Disclaimer to Stephenie Meyer for the Twilight characters.
Disclaimer to Friends and the WB for the ugly naked guy. I cried when he left.
"Oh! Look! There's a hot naked guy!"
"What?" I asked, completely swamped by the amount of deadlines that I had to meet. I have to admit, if I did anything well, it had to be procrastination. My roommate Alice Brandon was staring at whatever was across the courtyard in the same apartment complex as us.
"I said there's a hot naked guy!"
This I had to see. This apartment complex filled with old people, or people who had no humour. Alice and I needed more fingers and toes to count how many times our neighbours above us, below us, on the right of us, on the left of us, complained about us. There had to be no way that a hot naked guy lived here. Not here, of all places to live in Chicago.
I bounded towards the window and peered at whatever Alice was peering at. It was true! Alice and I looked at each other. We smirked in feminine delight. We looked back at the naked man who was just stood there, naked. We could only see the back of his head and anything above the waist. I could tell that he had reddish hair, but my knowledge of the male anatomy was limited. All I could tell from his body from what Alice had said and that was 'hot'.
After a while, he walked out and Alice and I groaned aloud. Yes, we were a horny pair of women. Yes, we had more oestrogen that we could handle. Yes, it was completely unfair how Alice was practically engaged to her long-distance boyfriend Jasper Whitlock and yet she was allowed to ogle at the naked man across the complex. I, on the other hand was waiting for that first guy. I could afford to be a nosy neighbour. A horny, nosy neighbour.
One day there will be a question on 'Who wants to be a millionaire' asking "Who is the oldest virgin in the world. Then the answer would be me. Laugh, point, stare. I don't care. I'm grown to accept that I will always be unlucky in love, will grow old, and die.
God forbid anyone write: "Born, live, die a virgin" on my gravestone. God forbid.
By now, I was entirely too entranced to care about any deadline that I had to meet or my sex life issues. Alice and I ordered takeout and discussed, in length, about our encounter and thoroughly analysed every muscle on his back. It was at 12am when Alice hauled and dragged my ass to my study desk to write the article I needed to hand in, in exactly 9 hours.
I woke up, my head in a mass of paper. I rubbed my eyes with the back of my fingers and my groggy eyes looked at the clock. 8am. My eyes wandered over to the article I needed to finish and I realised with ecstasy that the article had already been printed. I vaguely remembered sending over a draft to the editor. All was well. Except for the fact I had to get to work in an hour.
I needed to start my day with tea. I just couldn't function if I didn't have my morning ritualistic cup of English tea. I could hear Seattle, the coffee central of America, cry out at my weakness. I couldn't help it if coffee made me gag. Only in situations where I was suffering deep fatigue did I dare try a coffee, but even then, I preferred energy drinks.
I wandered, with my hot mug of tea over to the window where Alice and I had seen the hot naked guy the night before. I couldn't tell what he was doing, but he was definitely not walking in front of us. I sniffed the scent of tea deeply, letting the tendrils of steam warm up my face.
"Are you drinking that crap excuse for coffee again?" she called out from the bathroom. I had learned that Alice spent 80% of her morning either in the bathroom or in her wardrobe. The other 20% was in her bedroom, and on occasion the kitchen. She was also irritable in the morning.
"Make me some coffee," she called out, well, cried out, as if she was intense pain.
"Please would be nice," I muttered under my breath. This was unneeded. That woman had the hearing of an elephant. She chastised me on my 'anal-manners-thing' before I walked five steps into the kitchen. I wandered over to the kettle and decided to make her some instant coffee instead of using the coffee-maker. The thing I needed least of a morning was the smell of coffee making me want to upchuck my guts.
I was done in about four minutes. Alice would probably moan about me using instant coffee, but that was standard Alice. After about three coffees, she'd perk up and become Alice the best friend, rather than Alice the moody cow. I walked back to the dining room, where my tea was slowly cooling, but something stopped me from picking up my mug and talking a nice warm gulp.
"Oh my God! It's the hot naked guy!"
I heard a door slam open and the clacking of heels as she rushed over. Alice collapsed onto me as she looked out of the window where we had a front-row pass to the window of the hot naked guy.
This time we could his face in profile. He had a nicely curved nose and an angular jaw, and he looked extremely tired. He stretched and I could see his biceps tense. Again, we were denied the chance to see his body and full face as he turned and walked out of the room. Again, Alice and I groaned in disappointment. I lifted my mug of tea to my lips and took a long gulp. I could feel the warm liquid make its way down my throat slowly and I put my mug down, half-empty, unable to feel the satisfaction that the English tea usually gave me. I was suddenly annoyed that we hadn't seen his chest this time.
Alice on the other hand was a lot more perkier than she had been. The coffee I had made for her sat on the kitchen counter, not drunk, for the rest of the day. It turned out, she didn't need it.
Damn the hot naked guy's ability to swap our personalities with the profile of his face.
"Look! It's the hot naked guy and he's painting his room?"
"Really? What colour?"
"Erm, I can't tell, maybe blue?"
"Why would be paint it blue?"
"Maybe because he's a poet and he sees his blue walls as a metaphor for the deep sky."
Conversations in the Swan-Brandon household concerning the hot naked guy who lived across the complex usually contained such material. If the hot naked guy was doing something then we would analyse it like true girls. Today, he was a poet. Yesterday because he had built some shelves onto his bare walls (whilst naked, may I add) he was obviously a reader. The day before, we assumed he was a professor because he ate pizza. We don't know how we came to that conclusion, but it had involved a lot of wine and a lot of giggling and staring at the hot naked man.
By the end of two weeks we had determined these things: that he had the hottest body from the waist up (bar Jasper for Alice), he had reddish-brown hair, pale-ish skin, well-defined biceps that probably looked thin from afar but would be very nice to touch when tensed, a sprinkling of hair across his chest (yes, we had invested in a pair of binoculars to find that out) and a six-pack that was not too defined. And a happy trial. No one could forget that damn, sexy happy trial.
The only thing that we didn't know was the colour of his eyes, and most importantly, his name.
To be honest, "hot naked guy" suited him much, much, much better.
We watched as the hot naked guy's bedroom changed from a cream colour to a rich blue colour. His back muscles were working like some kind of sexy machine and his arms were so wonderfully tense when he reached up with his roller to reach the quite tall ceilings.
"Jeez, he's tall," I muttered. This was another fact that we put in our unofficial hot naked guy factfile. It was odd that we hadn't really noticed it before. Maybe because he lived across the courtyard.
"Probably not as tall as Jasper," Alice shrugged. I looked over at her.
"How is that going anyway?" I asked. It was a question that had been bugging me as if late when we discovered the hot naked guy.
"He wants to come over," Alice told me.
"I don't know, do you mind?"
"Of course not!" I told her incredulously, "don't say that you never let him come over before because of me!"
Alice looked guilty before saying, "Well, there is the hot naked guy too."
"What about him?"
"Well, if Jasper comes over we can't talk about him."
"One last time?"
Alice and I had prepared for Jasper's stay, and we had enforced a no-hot-naked-guy rule. We just had to hold it in if we noticed the hot naked guy. We couldn't say a single word about him. Unfortunately, as we looked across the apartment complex, he wasn't there. We sat there and waited for him to appear to no avail. Finally, the doorbell rang signalling Jasper's arrival.
I had seen Jasper before. Years ago. Nevertheless, to my utmost jealousy and shock, he had changed and grown since the last time I saw him – obviously. Alice was right. He was probably taller than the hot naked guy and probably hotter too. Damn Alice. Now I had to put up with him and Alice for the entire week and was not allowed to look at the hot naked guy across the apartment complex. I dragged my horny ass into my study to work on some article that I had promised to work on but had never gotten round to it. I sat in my chair and sighed, blowing out all my frustrated energy out towards the laptop screen. Papers of research was fanned out beside the laptop and I flexed my fingers, getting ready to spend the next three hours ignoring any compromising sounds, drinking tea, and writing this article.
"Oh, my God! There's a random naked man across your apartment complex!"
I froze before sprinting towards the door. I ripped the door open and ran towards the window where we could see exactly what Jasper was shouting about. Jasper, Alice and I made a crowd around the window and peered across.
The hot naked guy was dancing.
A little part of me tingled at the sight of him dancing.
Jasper wasn't completely blind to our obsession with the (hot) naked guy so we explained. We told him how we just seemed to see him on occasion doing random stuff whilst nude. I tried to point out that it freaked us out rather than attract us. He raised an eyebrow at that, obviously seeing the kick we were getting out of seeing this naked man dance. However, instead of being jealous and possessive of Alice and my Peeking Tom ways he was greatly amused. He laughed about how funny his Alice was, and that was that.
"Hey! Look! The naked guy is doing some sort of kickboxing."
Jasper had gotten into our routine of randomly staring out the window and seeing if the hot naked guy was there. Alice and I tried hard to omit the 'hot' part of the 'hot naked guy' but sometimes it came out as a slip of the tongue. The first time Alice had done it had been in front of Jasper much to her horror. Jasper responded by laughing out loudly and then putting a hand on Alice's back.
"It's okay if you think that," he said seriously, "I think that Megan Fox is hot, and you don't care."
So from then on, we were permitted to start calling him 'hot naked guy' again.
However, this time it wasn't the fact he was there that Alice and I ran to the window and attempted to push Jasper away. Alice even had the binoculars that we had bought what seemed a long time ago.
It was because our factfile was growing old. It was devoid of new facts. We had never seen his legs before. Alice muttered under breath a few words before looking away. She shook her head at me, showing that there wasn't much to report.
Jasper just laughed and asked us why we didn't go around and just ask him. We shrieked replies and he gave up. When Jasper went out to do his daily jog, I pulled Alice aside and told her that if Jasper ever proposed, she'd have to say yes.
"Come on, a guy that doesn't seem to care that you spend half your morning practically oozing over a naked guy across the complex? How many of those do you get?"
Alice even had the audacity to think.
It was a week later and Jasper had to leave. Alice and Jasper said a very physical and emotional goodbye which I avoided any contact with by hiding in my study. My assignments were growing in number as an employee quit and my boss had yet to find a replacement. Research hung on the walls by a small ball of tack. I read through each one and highlighted some key facts. I then went through interview tapes and then transcribed them before printing them off and highlighting key questions and answers as well. With my iPod firmly in my ears I set to work finishing all the work I had to do.
After a while, I felt tired from staring at the same computer screen and went to the kitchen for some tea. Alice and Jasper weren't in the apartment anymore. I supposed that Alice was taking Jasper to the airport and saying another emotional goodbye. Thank God it was only a few more months before he finished his doctorate and then there would be no more of this emotional goodbyes and Alice sulking for the next five days. Then they could actually get married.
The reality of how life was forming for Alice hit hard. Here I was still a virgin at 26-years old, and Alice was almost having children with her boyfriend who was probably going to be a university professor. Fantastic. My bad mood didn't dissolve even when I sat in the dining room with my mug of English tea and letting the smell of tea flow straight into my nose. The warmth of the tea was simply scorching into my skin and I put the mug down. I stood up and looked out of the window.
What I saw made me stumble to the ground and I sat there in a state of inertia, a state that Alice found me in. Alice had called out my name, checked the study and then went for the next obvious place – the area where we could see the hot naked guy. Alice ran over to me and shook me, but I was still in shock. I just couldn't believe. Not in months. It had been so long.
"What is it?" Alice asked worriedly.
"It's the hot naked guy."
Alice jerked up and looked out of the window. I could tell by her face that she was confused probably because she couldn't see the hot naked guy. She looked back down at me, who was staring at her.
"What about him?" she asked slowly.
"He was, he was," I gulped unable to say what I saw, it was too unreal, "He was..."
"Having sex with another woman?" Alice whispered in shock, That-That cheater! We trusted him!"
"No, even worse," I managed to choke out of my throat. It was much, much worse. There was no way that the hot naked guy ever be a cheater. He could be a traitor. Never a cheater.
"Worse than having sex?" Alice said, trying to make sure that I was sane, she probably couldn't think of anything that would be worse than watching a real-life porno in our dining room.
"He was wearing clothes."
We didn't look for him after that. We felt betrayed. Jasper had rang about him, and Alice broke the news to him. We even got drunk and sobbed hysterically about how the naked guy had done us wrong.
It was incredibly crazy of course. We were absolute nutcases. Jasper was too polite to say it, but he probably was thinking it. Especially when I started rambling and singing about it to him on speakerphone. Jasper as it turned out had recorded it secretly and he sent it to me via email, much to my mortification.
I. Will. Never. Drink. Again.
We went back to being Alice the irritable and Bella the tea-aholic in the morning instead of Alice the perky and Bella the tormented horny. That was the way it was supposed to be. We even migrated to eating food off the kitchen counter or in front of the television to avoid the temptation of looking out the little dining room window where the hot now-clothed guy's apartment was. Due to the fact I didn't spend so much time peering out the window I actually got through assignments a lot quicker. To a great expense, though. The absence of the hot now-clothed guy was obvious in each conversation that Alice and I had. Everything fell dead after a while, and we wandered off to our separate rooms.
It was as if Alice and I had been a married couple and the hot once-naked guy was the spark we needed to keep the marriage going.
I missed Alice and the hot naked guy across the apartment complex.
It was two months after the revelation of the hot naked guy. We had been drinking. Jasper had finally flew over and proposed, properly to Alice. Alice was ecstatic. When Jasper had left, Alice and I raided our sad little alcohol cabinet and drank to the proposal. We were finally reconnecting from the silence between us during the past two months. Soon, we were so pissed that we were toasting anything that we could get our hands on. Alice hit her glass lightly against a wall to attract my attention. I raised mine with hers and she smiled as she put her hand on her usual dining chair.
"I would like to propose a toast to, um, Mr. chair, because it has been amazing for the past, um, hic, three years," Alice said solemnly.
"And don't forget that, you were um, sitting on that chair when you saw hot naked guy."
"Oh-OH!" Alice screamed, stumbling towards the window and looking through it. I went to it as well and we laughed.
I couldn't see clearly, but I could tell there was someone across the complex. I could tell there was a window open. It was hot naked guy, but he was clothed. Well, we would have to change that.
"Mr. um, Hot naked guy?" I called out loudly, "Get your clothes off!"
"Yeah!" Alice quipped drunkenly, "Get your clothes off!"
The cold wind made it easier for the fog to clear in my head and see that he was staring at us. Alice noticed too. We ducked in a fit of giggles and reached up to close the windows but the latched slipped through our hands. Being so drunk meant that closing the windows felt as if we were closing it with gardeners' gloves. Seeing as it would take too much trouble, we decided to just leave it. We fell onto the ground. We were on one another and just plain laughing. We sat for a long time, pointing at objects, laughing and prodding each other in a poke war.
I looked up, the room seemed to swirl around me but it righted itself.
"What is that noise?" Alice grumbled.
Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!
"I think it's the doorbell," I slurred and I stood up shakily. I found it hard to put on leg in front of the other and walk to the front door.
Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!
I must have bumped into a myriad of items, but I couldn't feel the pain.
Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!
"I'm coming! Jeez, Louise!" I shouted as I fell onto the door. It was unwise to unlock a door whilst drunk, but apart from old people and the building manager giving a crap about our noise, there was little else. I turned the key in the lock and undid the chain. I opened the door. My vision was a little fuzzy and I saw...I saw...
"You!" I pointed, my eyes were wide - I could feel the eyelids strain as I forced them wide apart. My expression was completely unknown. If it was funny, he wasn't laughing.
"I would just like to complain about the completely inappropriate comment you just made at me across the complex," the man started to say. I didn't care. I just needed one thing.
"I'm Bella Swan, what's yours?"
I slowed down, "Bella Swan, name, yours?"
He looked at me as if he'd rather go back to his apartment than push this further but he sighed and said, "Edward Cullen."
"Edward, that's a pretty name."
"I don't think that's the effect my parents intended."
"Aren't you going to apologize?" he asked impatiently.
"For what?" I asked confused.
"Telling me to take my clothes off?" he said trying to jog my memory. I think I heard him chuckle at that too.
"I did that?"
"I think I have the whole complex as a witness."
"Oh," I muttered, "I'm not sorry."
"Tha-what?" He said, his expression changing from delight to anger.
"I'm not sorry, because you look good naked," I explained in some drunken ramble, "all I know is that a long time ago, you were naked every day and now you wear clothes."
"You-You?" Edward said to me, blushing a violent red, "You saw that?"
I nodded, "Me and-and my roommate used to watch every day."
Edward looked thoroughly shocked.
"And we were incredibly upset when we saw that you were wearing clothes again, because it was like you were, um, hot naked guy but not you're hot clothed guy," I continued. I think I fell on him and he caught me. I looked at him, and saw that he had nice green eyes. I added as a random afterthought, "a very hot, hot clothed guy."
After some time I think that he put on the living room sofa and let me sleep there. He left as well.
The next morning was hell. Literally. I had a humungous hangover and I made it my first priority to call work and take a sick day. Yes, I did that sometimes, but seeing with my current progress, I was ahead of assignments so there shouldn't be anything wrong with doing it.
On the table beside where I had been sleeping was a note. From the hot naked guy.
I was glad to make your acquaintance last night. I hope I didn't make a bad first impression by coming across rude. I hope you survive the killer hangover.
From, Edward (or the hot naked guy).
PS. I don't even know if it is that you call me that. I just heard it a lot last night, whilst you slept.
I staggered into the dining room with the note determined to show Alice the note and make her jealous for a change. The air in the dining room hit me like a bus and Alice was curled up into a ball whilst sleeping in it. I realised the amount of energy we were wasting because the heaters were on as well.
Shit...the bill for that is going to be sore.
I wished I had kept to my pact and not drank last night. I decided to make a new pact. Not to drink even on special occasion. It was strictly a tonic water diet from now on, as well as English tea. I wasn't even going to get drunk at Alice's wedding.
I ran over to the window and closed it. I looked out and across the complex I saw him, staring at me and he winked...
"Alice, wake up."
"Alice," I shook her a little more persistently now.
"Slepok," she continued to say illegible words. I couldn't think of the sentence that would definitely wake her up, but I knew the sentence that made me tingle to say.
"LOOK! IT'S HOT NAKED GUY AND HE'S STARING AT US!"
A cumulative of Twilight and Friends and my overly twisted mind again made this oneshot. Yay. Please give it some love.
PS. I know that I cut out a lot of major Twilight characters, but if I added anymore then it would have made it all weird and wouldn't work. I don't know.