This is the last chapter of this fic. Thank you so much to everyone for reading. I have another chapter fic written for the Lupin Big Bang which I'll begin posting soonish. Enjoy this last chapter!
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never were. Never will be.
The next few days were difficult; the full moon transformation almost impossible. Sirius was noticeably absent from Remus' bedside after the change, and Remus was startled by how very much that hurt. He hadn't realised how much he'd already come to rely on Sirius before sex entered the picture.
Peter and James had been watching Remus and Sirius worriedly for days now, their attempts to act as peace-keepers earning them snappish rebukes. By the time the first Hogsmeade weekend of the year dawned, Remus was just about ready to pull his hair out. He'd come to realise and accept that he cared for Sirius – really cared for Sirius – and it made his stomach churn unpleasantly to think that he might have lost him forever. He was determined that, today, they would talk properly. Remus would confess that he was scared of what he was beginning to feel, scared of his burgeoning feelings for Sirius and how that would affect their friendship, but that he wanted it back.
But his resolve dissolved when he awoke to Sirius' loud and raucous boasting about his plans for the day.
'She'll be begging me for it,' said the same voice that had pleaded with Remus to fuck him harder just over a week earlier.
'Sure, Padfoot,' Peter said in a bored voice then his face appeared in the gap between Remus' bed curtains. He smiled when he saw Remus was awake and flung his drapes wide open. 'Alright there, Moony? Aren't you coming to Hogsmeade?'
Remus saw Sirius' eyes flick over to him and caught a glimpse of - What was that? Guilt, uncertainty, regret? - before a shutter came down and replaced the expression with bravado and cold arrogance. Remus' defenses immediately came up. Sirius used words like weapons when he was like this; his tongue cut like a knife and his aim was true.
'You staying here to study, Moony?' Sirius said blithely, shaking his head at a wary Remus. 'Don't you think you should get out there and do some shagging before it falls off from lack of use?'
Remus clenched his jaw, determined not to acknowledge the ache in his chest when he thought of Sirius with some vapid tramp; instead, responding to Sirius' taunts, letting thoughtless words spill from him in a poisonous flood as he climbed out of bed. 'I am going to Hogsmeade, actually,' he retorted, snatching up some clean clothes out of his trunk at random. 'If only to watch you fall flat on your face. Who's the unfortunate prey today, Padfoot? And how did she get so unlucky as to have your attention fall upon her?'
Sirius narrowed his eyes, taking a step forward. Remus knew James and Peter took his words at face value – just Moony and Padfoot's usual acerbic banter - but he could see that Sirius had heard the anger beneath the light tone.
'Bridget Markham,' Sirius replied, staring at Remus. 'And I'll have you know, I've never had a complaint from anyone about my... attention.'
'Perhaps once they get some comparisons...'
Sirius' fists curled. 'Jealous, Moony?' Sirius said, voice soft but venomous. 'Perhaps you're wanting a little of my attention?'
'I don't want anything from you, Sirius,' Remus snapped, shoving past the other boy on his way to the bathroom.
James and Peter's initial amusement had faded as the tension rose, and Peter gasped softly as Sirius stood his ground, shouldering Remus hard as he passed. The momentum spun Remus around, he and Sirius now facing each other.
They stood there for a long, tense moment, eyeing each other as James and Peter shifted uneasily, then Remus whispered, 'Get fucked, Sirius,' before turning to stalk off to the bathroom.
'I intend to,' Sirius called angrily after him, Remus slamming the door hard as he heard Peter whisper, 'Did we miss something?'
Sirius ignored the curious gazes of Peter and James as he focused more attention than strictly necessary on sliding his belt into the loops on his waistband.
'What did you do?' James asked darkly.
Sirius frowned. 'Why do I have to have done something?' he snapped. 'Why can't Remus ever be in the wrong?'
'You have to admit that it's usually you,' Peter said and Sirius almost growled as he lifted his head to scowl at the other boy.
'You'd better fix this, Padfoot,' James threatened, scowling at Sirius before he disappeared into the bathroom after Remus.
Sirius tugged angrily at his belt, the leather whipping his hand as he yanked on the end.
It was just bloody sex. We both know that. Why'd he have to ruin everything and call it off?
Just sex... Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, recalling the sensations that washed over him when Remus touched him. His breathing faltered. Remus' touch left him quivering in places he didn't know could quiver and his head spun from the overload of sensation. He'd been with his fair share of partners and he knew how good sex could be, but if there was such a thing as a perfect shag, he and Remus had had it.
And he knew what the difference was, no matter how much he'd tried to deny it over the last few days. He cared about Remus. He respected him. He – possibly – was falling for him.
Maybe that's why he called it off? Maybe he could tell you were feeling things you had no business feeling?
Sirius knew he was being a complete and utter bastard now; could see how hurt and angry Remus was by his sudden coldness, but it was this or break down like a fucking girl and admit to Remus that he needed him, that he craved his touch and his kiss.
That he wanted more than just friendship, more than just sex. And that perhaps he always had.
The day after the full moon, he'd snuck past Madam Pomfrey and sat by Remus' bed, determined to admit his feelings. Remus had been sleeping and Sirius had intended to shake him awake, but instead, found himself sitting carefully on the edge of the bed, watching the other boy in repose. He looked so peaceful and Sirius' heart ached when he thought about the distance between them. The distance he had created.
In the end, he couldn't face Remus, couldn't face a possible second rejection, and he'd fled when he saw Remus' eyelids flutter.
This was not what was supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to fall for him.
He sighed heavily then looked up to see James and Peter staring at him. He turned and attempted to make a dramatic exit; the effect ruined when his feet tangled in his own trailing bedclothes and he fell face-first onto the floor at a startled Peter's feet.
'It's Remus you should be groveling to,' Peter quipped, offering a hand to help him up. 'You're throwing yourself at the wrong person's feet, Padfoot.'
Sirius grumbled a suggestion as to which of Peter's orifices he'd like to shove his foot up, but took his hand and let the blonde haul him to his feet. Peter looked decidedly unconcerned at the blatant threat to his well-being and sauntered across the room to grab his jacket before he descended to the common room.
James stood as still as a statue, gaze fixed on Sirius. When Sirius chanced a glance at him, he winced at the burning anger in his best friend's eyes.
'I told you not to do it,' he hissed and Sirius looked away.
'I've done nothing,' he muttered, pretending to search for his jacket. 'You always think the worst of me.'
'Unfortunately, you keep living up to expectations,' James snapped. They both stilled when they heard the shower turn off then James glared at Sirius. 'You make it better. I don't care what you have to do, Sirius, but you fix this or I'll make good on my promise.'
Remus fingered the block of dark chocolate on Honeyduke's shelf as his other hand rummaged through his pocket, mentally tallying up the total of the coins that tinkled together softly.
'Damn,' he muttered, realising he was a couple of Sickles short.
'I don't have enough either,' a quiet low-pitched voice said behind him. 'We might have enough together, though, if you don't mind sharing?'
Remus twisted around, blinking in surprise at the blonde boy who was smiling tentatively at him. 'Remus, isn't it? Gryffindor?' the other boy said, his smile hopeful.
Remus felt the corners of his mouth turning up in response. It was a nice smile. 'Yeah,' he replied, turning so he was facing the other boy. 'Daniel from Ravenclaw, right?'
Daniel's face lit up, his smile wide and unrestrained. 'That's me,' he confirmed with a nod before he reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of coins. 'I saw that you kept coming back to the dark chocolate. Not that I was watching you or being creepy or anything...'
He bit his lip, flushing deeply, and Remus couldn't stop the grin from spreading across his face. He was inexperienced at this game, but he had spent enough time around Sirius to know an attempt at flirting when he saw it.
'It's my favourite,' he said, letting Daniel off the hook. 'But I'm a little short.'
'Mine too,' Daniel said enthusiastically. 'We could... share a block. Go halves...' He gnawed at his lower lip, the redness that had been receding flooding back to his cheeks. 'If you want. Um, it's okay if you don't...'
'No,' said Remus hurriedly, grabbing a block of the chocolate off the shelf and smiling encouragingly at Daniel. Sirius had made his contempt for Remus clear this morning. If he didn't want Remus, why shouldn't he find someone who did? 'We can do that.'
'What do you mean, you knew?'
'Remus told us he fancied blokes as well as birds just after the full moon,' James said dismissively. 'Peter was going to set him up with Lara from Hufflepuff and Moony said he'd prefer that Marcus bloke.'
'And you're alright with it?' Sirius said anxiously. 'You weren't a bastard or anything?'
'I think you're confusing me with yourself there, Padfoot.'
'Very fucking funny, Prongs.'
'Will you stop glaring at them!' James snapped as Sirius' eyes drifted back to Remus and Daniel who were having a drink and sharing some chocolate at a nearby table.
'I'm not glaring…' he retorted.
'Padfoot, Daniel is practically bleeding from the holes your eyes are burning into him.'
Sirius turned his head to scowl at James. He'd blown off Bridget, who actually seemed pleased to be rid of the inattentive Gryffindor, and rejoined his friends only to be stunned by the sight of Remus drinking with some – admittedly good looking – Ravenclaw bloke. Nausea made his stomach twist and his fingers itched to wrap around Daniel's throat.
Jealous. I'm fucking jealous. Godric, who'd believe it?
'I would have thought you'd be a bit more concerned about your friend's first outing - literally - as a poof,' Sirius said irritably. 'I just want to make sure no one says anything nasty to him. You're straight, James. You don't understand how awful some people can be.'
'I understand that you are no more looking out for a mate right now than I am shagging Pete.'
'What?' asked Peter in alarm, returning from getting drinks in time to catch James' last comment.
'I don't know what you're on about,' Sirius muttered, taking a drink from a confused-looking Peter.
'You do,' returned James. 'I told you, Padfoot. Moony's not your personal plaything. You couldn't leave him alone, though, and now everything is bolloxed up.'
'I don't think he's my personal…'
'You do,' Peter interrupted, taking a sip of his drink. 'You always have. When you're both mutts, you are in your own little world - you wouldn't notice if Prongs or I weren't there. And once you've changed back, you're still really possessive of him.'
'Am not,' mumbled Sirius, flushing.
'You are,' said James. 'You won't let us near him after the moon…'
'He hates everyone making a fuss…'
'You are always draping yourself all over him and almost growl if one of us does it…'
'I do not drape myself…'
'And then there was that day I caught you both in bed…'
'We were… mucking around…'
James looked sceptical. 'With red faces and hard ons?'
Sirius' mouth opened but nothing came out. He snapped his jaw shut and looked away, feeling his face heat up.
'You and Moony?' Peter asked, looking from Sirius to James as he finally caught on. 'Is that a good idea?'
'There is no…!' Sirius realised how loud he was speaking when the room quietened and he glanced around, seeing many eyes, including Remus', watching him.
He caught Remus' gaze for a moment, but the other boy quickly returned his attention to Daniel. Irritated by how close Remus was sitting to the blonde, Sirius turned back to Peter and James and leaned in.
'There is no me and Moony,' he scowled. 'He's over there very happily letting Daniel whatsit practically grope him. There is nothing going on between us, alright?'
He pushed his chair back, the legs scraping noisily along the wooden floor as he stood. 'And if there was,' he snapped, snatching his coat off the chair. 'It would be none of your business.'
As he left the Three Broomsticks, he looked over his shoulder towards the table Remus and Daniel had been sitting at, but saw that it was now empty. With a sigh, he trudged back to the castle, sulkily ignoring the calls of greeting from various classmates along the way.
Just accept it, Sirius. You blew it and now it's someone else's turn. You lost him.
The thought made him want to throw up and he stopped, putting his hands on his knees and bending at the waist. He took a few deep breaths, clenching his eyes shut tight as he cursed himself for not seeing what had been right in front of him.
He wanted Remus. Not as a shag, not as a friend. And now, it would never happen.
A rustling noise distracted Sirius from his morose thoughts and he looked up to see two familiar boys snogging behind a tree. His heart dropped into his stomach as he watched Remus enthusiastically returning Daniel's kiss, hands twining in the other boy's hair like they had in Sirius', and suddenly, it was hard to breathe. Sirius bit his lip, tasting coppery blood as he tried to stop himself from screaming at Remus to stop. Sharp pain shot up his forearms and he realised he was digging his fingernails into his palms in an attempt to halt the urge to punch Daniel in his pretty face. Sirius turned away, closing his eyes again to try and get the image of Remus' kissing someone who wasn't him out of his mind.
Then he ran.
He ran all the way back to the castle, ignoring Hagrid's greeting; not stopping until he reached the common room. Lily Evans stared at him in shock as he burst through the portrait hole, nearly knocking her and her friend, Alice, over.
'Watch where you're going, Black!' she snapped.
'Fuck off, Evans, you twat,' he growled back, feeling a shot of vindictive pleasure when her eyes widened in shock.
The feeling faded quickly though and by the time he threw himself moodily onto his bed, he regretted being so short with her. 'It's all Remus' fault,' he thought as anger as hot as molten lava bubbled up inside him, ready to explode. 'How could he go from kissing me like he did, like it meant something, to kissing Daniel like he was trying to fucking devour him today?'
Unable to be still, Sirius leaped off the bed, pacing the room like a caged animal. Was it that easy for Remus? Had he really not felt what Sirius had felt when they were together? Was it really just sex between them for him?
Sirius stopped in front of Remus' bed abruptly, glaring at it as if the soft pillows and bedding had offended him.
Even as the vindictive word slipped from his lips, he knew he was being unfair, but he wanted to lash out, to make someone else hurt so he could ignore the pain in his own chest, so he didn't have to think about the reason he was so very upset.
'Fucking Remus,' he fumed, angry at himself for thinking this way and even angrier at Remus for making him feel like this. 'Stupid fucking mangy werewolf.'
'Are you talking to me?'
The voice startled him, but he quickly hid his surprise, turning to look at the tall, thin figure in the doorway.
'I don't see any other werewolves in the vicinity so by process of elimination – yes, I'm talking to you.'
Remus raised his eyebrows as he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him with a flick of his wand. Sirius' eyes ran over him urgently, searching for any evidence of lewd behaviour: buttons done up incorrectly, untucked shirt, unzipped fly… But Remus looked as neat and tidy as he always did; the only evidence of the ferocious lip lock Sirius had witnessed were slightly puffy lips which Remus now licked.
Sirius scowled and looked away, ignoring the arrow of lust that shot right through him. 'Enjoy your date?' he asked caustically, leaning in what he hoped was a nonchalant manner against the post of Remus' bed. 'I can't believe you got all worked up about me seeing someone when you were planning on meeting him.'
He watched as a flush coloured Remus' cheeks. 'I didn't plan to meet up with Daniel, and it wasn't a date, although I did enjoy his company,' Remus said softly, shrugging off his coat and tossing it onto his bed. 'I…I was ready to come back, though.'
He sat on his bed and looked at Sirius, obviously uncomfortable. 'Why were you insulting me behind my back?'
'I saw you kissing him.'
Remus' eyes widened and Sirius bit his lip, a little too late to stop the resentful sounding words from flying out.
'I…we…' Remus stammered, but it seemed that once started, Sirius' verbal diarrhea was impossible to stop.
'I didn't realise that you were suddenly snogging every bloody person in the school. No wonder you didn't want to keep things going with me. You couldn't fit me into your schedule.'
Remus' eyes narrowed now and he shot to his feet. 'Daniel was kissing me because he wanted to, not because he was experiencing a lull in his sex life.'
He took a step closer and crossed his arms over his chest. 'And why the hell do you care, Sirius? You were the one that kept saying that it was just sex between us and you put up no fight at all when I said I thought we should stop. If you'd seen me sucking Daniel's dick today, you'd have no right to be pissed...'
The mirror on Sirius' bedside table shattered as a pulse of magic throbbed through the air. Remus stared in surprise at the broken mirror then looked at Sirius whose eyes were wide and shocked as he realised that his anger had done that. He felt a trickle of liquid on his chin and wiped it away, realising it was blood when he saw the red smear across the back of his hand.
Remus' face changed when he saw the blood, surprise morphing into concern. 'Padfoot?' He moved to stand in front of Sirius and touched a finger to the still-damp path the droplet of blood had taken. 'You're bleeding!'
'It's fine,' Sirius muttered, pushing Remus' hand away from him, unable to stand the tingling heat the spread over his skin at the touch. 'I just bit my lip.'
He sucked the abused flesh into his mouth, noticing that Remus' eyes stayed fixed on his mouth, darkening as Sirius' tongue swept over his bottom lip to soothe it. A corresponding shudder of desire shook him and he took a deep breath, summoning the remnants of his courage to confess to his feelings because he couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't be without Remus anymore.
Remus looked up and Sirius felt his cock harden when he saw the raw want etched in the other boy's face. 'I... I want...' He faltered when he saw Remus' throat undulate; the words vanishing before he could form them.
Remus frowned, looking at him closely. He said, in a raspy voice, 'What do you want, Sirius? Just... tell me what you want from me.'
This moment could completely ruin their friendship, or it could lead to something that Sirius suspected he'd wanted from the moment Remus crawled into bed with him that fateful day.
'I want... I want you,' he whispered, feeling incredibly exposed and so very scared that Remus would turn him away. 'I don't want you going out with other blokes, I don't want you kissing them. I just... I just want you. With me.'
Sirius shook his head. 'No, I... it was never just sex,' he admitted softly. 'I just didn't realise it until you told me you didn't want me.'
'I did want you!' Remus insisted. 'I was... You said you wanted sex and I wanted... more. I thought I'd scare you away and I didn't want to ruin everything by fall...'
He bit his lip then smiled shyly when Sirius grinned at him, his face flushed pink. 'Really?' Sirius asked, and Remus nodded.
'Then you... you want to... be with me?' Sirius asked, eyeing Remus hopefully.
Remus stared at him, eyes guarded. 'And what about you? Do you get to go out with anyone you damn well please?'
Sirius shook his head, taking a step closer. 'No. No one but you. I never wanted anyone but you. It just took me a while to realise it.'
'That's because you're a dense prat.'
A glimmer of a smile twitched at the corner of Remus' mouth and he looked at the floor. 'Suppose we could give it a try,' he said, trying not to sound too eager.
Sirius whooped in delight and closed the distance between them. He wrapped his arms around Remus' waist and kissed him hard before lifting him off the ground and spinning them.
Remus cried out in alarm, smacking Sirius on the shoulder. 'Fuck! Put me down, you wanker! I'm not a bloody girl!'
Sirius chuckled and let Remus' feet touch the ground. 'You're not?' he teased, his breath hitching when Remus' groin rubbed against his. 'Perhaps you should prove it.'
Remus huffed indignantly and gave Sirius a shove onto the nearest bed then launched himself at him, intent on making sure that every time Sirius took a step for the next day or two, he was reminded of just how male Remus was and to whom he now belonged.