I do not own 'Spiderman' or anything related.
Commentator: Hello, all you readers. I'm the Commentator. For those of you who don't know me, I'm a higher entity who's favourite hobby is to commentate on and make fun of mediocre pop-culture. And these are my assistants, the Professor-
Professor: How do you do, everybody.
Commentator: And Sammy the Slug.
Commentator: Now, as is clear from the title, our current project is 'Spiderman'.
Professor: Sir, seriously, 'Spiderman'?
Commentator: -What's wrong with 'Spiderman'? Or right in this case?
Professor: Sir, hasn't 'Spiderman' already been parodied?
Commentator: (Understanding what he means) Prof, we've been through this. Just because something's already done doesn't mean that someone else can't do it better.
Professor: No we didn't.
Commentator: We didn't? Huh. Must be thinking of a totally different conversation between two other people then. The point is I think anyone can parody 'Spiderman' better than (Shudder) the blank movie crew.
Professor: I'm only saying perhaps the reason it was so bad was because it is difficult to parody 'Spiderman'.
Commentator: Yeah well if you parody pop culture like the blank movie crew then it's bound to be bad no matter no difficult it is to make fun of 'Spiderman'.
Professor: -I don't understand.
Commentator: Allow me to explain. You see Professor, since I got into the parodying business, I learnt that there are in fact two different types of the parody. One is the superior version that actually does what it's called and PARODIES the thing it is about, and is popular because it makes fun of the things everyone hates. The other is the inferior version where they just cram in a load of toilet humour and pop culture references and pass it off as funny.
Professor: You mean like every episode of 'Family Guy'?
Professor: So, you think we can do a better job of parodying 'Spiderman' than 'Superhero Movie'?
Commentator: I think anyone can do a better job of parodying 'Spiderman' than 'Superhero Movie'. Let's just watch, shall we?
Peter: Who am I? You sure you want to know? It's not that this is a scary tale or anything, I'm just saying it to for dramatic effect. All right. You were warned. My name is Peter Parker, world's biggest nerd. I'm so unpopular that even the other nerds hate me. Can't imagine why.
Nerdy Girl: Oh sure, just because a girl wears glasses and is less than good looking, that automatically makes her a nerd?
Peter: Honestly, because of that and the fact that for some reason I keep missing the bus for no explained reason it sometimes feels like someone up there hates me. Well two of them, really, a director and a writer.
Meanwhile, in a limousine…
Harry: Okay, Dad, explain to me one more time so that I can remember. Why on Earth for any reason would you have me enrol in a public school when you can afford to send me to a private one?
Osborne: Oh come now, Harry, surely public schools aren't as bad as the media portrays them to be!
Harry: Even so don't schools that are privately funded naturally superior to those that are funded by the state and federal governments?
Osborne: All right, how else are you supposed to become friends with Peter Parker if not in High School?
Harry: Er, in College like in the comics, which actually makes more sense?
Osborne: Yes well the director wanted your friendship to be established earlier now get out of the limo!
Harry: Hey Pete!
Peter: Harry! I forgot that I had a lifelong best friend amongst all the shunning and bullying. Sure would have been good if I had one friend on the bus.
Harry: Yeah, Dad won't let me ride with all the lowly mortals despite being expected to go to school with them.
Osborne: That would be me. Hi there, I'm Harry's dad. We've never met despite the fact that you two are apparently lifelong friends. I hear you're quite the scientist. I'm sure your parents must be proud.
Peter: My aunt and uncle are, Mr Osborne. I'm afraid I lost my parents a long time ago.
Osborne: Oh I'm sorry to hear that. Okay I've got to ask. Are they S.H.I.E.L.D agents or scientists in this continuity?
Peter: Oh who knows? Given how the filmmakers like to keep the different superheroes separate, probably the latter, although the former would allow an excuse for Sam Jackson to be in the movies.
Harry: Go on, Pete! Talk to her!
Peter: Nah. I'm too shy. Besides she's already got a boyfriend who would probably kick my ass for flirting with his girlfriend. More so than usual.
Harry: Oh, okay. Then I'm sure you won't mind me flirting with her even though I'm your best friend and I know that you love her and present your knowledge as my own to her.
Peter: Not at all. Wait, what?
Scientist: Here we have successfully created fifteen spiders by combining the DNA of numerous species of spiders.
Student: (Puts up their hand) Why?
Scientist: -Why what?
Student: What's the point in creating new species of spiders? What's the practical purpose of it?
Scientist: Because playing God is fun!
Mary-Jane: I'm sorry you said fifteen, right?
Scientist: Yes that's what I said.
Mary-Jane: You're sure about that number?
Scientist: Young lady, I assure you that I do not make mistakes like that.
Mary-Jane: So you swear on your mother's life that there are fifteen exact?
Scientist: YES THERE ARE FIFTEEN; THERE ARE FIFTEEN EXACT, WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING?
Mary-Jane: Because there are only fourteen.
Scientist: -Oh. Really? Oh well, must have miscounted, nothing to worry about. Anymore questions? Yes, you with the obscure figure.
Commentator: Hi, yeah, I can't help but notice that there's a crack in one of the glass cases.
Scientist: What crack?
Commentator: The one right there!
Scientist: Crack, what crack, I see no crack!
Commentator: There's a huge crack right there, a spider's clearly escaped!
Scientist: A likely story despite the apparent strength of these super-spiders.
Commentator: -Tell me Miss Scientist, how deadly are these spiders?
Scientist: Oh they're instantly fatal, although there's a one-in-a-million chance that the bite will give you spider powers.
Commentator: So, any parent would be able to sue your university of every single penny you've got if their child was to die because you were too damn lazy and careless to check that none of your spiders got loose-
Scientist: Moving on!
Spider: Mwahahaa! Time to bite someone for no adequately explained reason!
Professor: You know, this is the bit in the whole Ezekiel retcon thing where the spider deliberately gives Peter his powers actually make sense. It's the only bit of that whole story that made sense!
Spider: All right fine, time to give some poor loser superhuman abilites so that he can gain the confidence to talk to the girl of his dreams and defend himself from bullies!
Professor: That's better.
Peter: Ow! Ooh, I don't feel too well. But instead of doing the sensible thing and telling someone about it or going to the doctors I think I'll just sleep it off when I get home.
Spider: Mwahahahaaaaaa! Now to make my getaway and never be seen again! Hmm. I wonder if I should give someone else spider-like abilities?
Commentator: Okay that's just impossible.
Peter: What is?
Commentator: tell me, Pete, do you happen to do any sort of exercise?
Commentator: Do you do any sports?
Commentator: Do you have a special diet?
Peter: No I just eat the same crap as everyone else, why do you ask?
Commentator: Then how is it that you have no gut? It doesn't make any sense! It completely defies all the laws of nature!
Peter: Now okay, there is a logical reason for this. You see ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
And so as Peter sleeps, the bite he received from the spider transforms his DNA into a human-spider hybrid!
Commentator: And this is supposed to make more sense than the radioactive bite? Forgive me if I don't understand how a newly created spider is supposed to be more plausible than a radioactive one.
Professor: Because sir whereas a radioactive spider if it even survived the radiation, would only barely affect you, whereas a newly created genetically engineered spider's venom would contain a virus that may rewrite your DNA.
Commentator: -Oh. Right. Well when you put it that way, I guess it does make more sense!
May: Peter didn't come down for dinner.
Ben: Ah, let him be!
May: Shouldn't we at least check on him before we go to bed?
Ben: Nah, let him be!
Peter: Whoa! Somehow being bitten by a spider has not only given me a muscular physique, but it has also improved my eyesight even though the human is five times sharper than even the spider with the best vision.
May: Peter, breakfast!
Peter: No time for the most important meal of the day! Have to go to school!
May: Oh okay! Didn't he seem a little…different to you?
Ben: Not at all!
May: He was able to run on the wall!
Ben: It's the teenage hormones, they do that!
May: He seemed more confident than usual.
May: He wasn't wearing his glasses!
Ben: Um, hormones?
May: He was wearing something OTHER than his usual collared short sleeved shirt!
Ben: (Drops his spoon) Dear God your right! Something must have happened to him!
Peter: Hey, how come I'm eating lunch on my own like a total loser? More so than usual? Isn't Harry supposed to be my best friend, why isn't he eating lunch with me?
Peter: Wow! Being bitten by a spider has given me a sixth sense! Because everyone knows that spiders have six senses! Wow! Being bitten by a spider has given me acrobatic abilities, because everyone knows that spiders can do somersaults! Wow! Being bitten by a spider has given me martial abilities, because everyone knows that spiders genetically know Kung Fu!
Commentator: Anything else that spiders can do that everyone knows?
Peter: Not that I can think of.
Mary-Jane: Harry! What are you doing? Help Peter!
Mary-Jane: Good God man, are you his best friend or aren't you?
Later that day, Peter discovers another ability he gained from the spider bite in an alleyway.
Peter: WHOA! Being bitten by a spider has given me tiny hairs on my hands that enable me to crawl on walls! Huh. I guess that is one of the more plausible abilities for a spider to give me.
Later that day, after coming home from failed web-slinging (Which apparently took the whole day) Peter realises that he forgot to do wall-painting with his uncle, who has left him a note.
Commentator: Why does he keep calling you Michael Angelo?
Peter: Because I'm a genius, and Michael Angelo's a genius. Duh.
Commentator: I know but wouldn't Leonardo be more appropriate?
Later that day, while taking out the trash, Peter runs into Mary-Jane, and they discuss his behaviour at school that day.
Mary-Jane: IT WAS REALLY FREAKY! So what are your plans after High School?
Peter: Wait, wasn't I just freaky a moment ago?
Mary-Jane: Didn't anyone tell you? I love freaks.
Peter: I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or not.
After seeing Mary-Jane get in a car with Flash, Peter decides to win her heart with a car. Now, whereas most responsible people get a job in order to get money, Peter decides to use his superpowers to win a wrestling match.
Peter: Wow! No one seems that freaked out anymore about me despite what happened yesterday! Plus you would have thought that I would have gotten into trouble for skipping school. Hey! Could it be that this school suffers from the dreaded Sunnydale Syndrome?
Fury: No actually that's our doing.
Peter: Gasp! So you really do exist in my world?
Fury: Not officially. We're used to this kind of situation. Did you really think that you're the only superhero? You've just become part of a wider world.
Peter: I have?
Fury: Actually I'm not too sure. Movie directors like to keep their superheroes in separate continuities even though that conflicts with the comics. In any case we've had a specialist who's used to dealing with this kind of situation.
Peter: Really? Who?
The Haitian: (Flicking money) Hey. It pays to contract out your services!
Meanwhile, when the day comes to get the money, Uncle Ben drops him off at what he thinks will be the library, and has something to say.
Ben: Peter, your recent change in behaviour is worrying me. Spending all your time in your room, neglecting your chores that one time, defending yourself from bullies.
Peter: And you're not at all baffled as to how I defeated a football jock twice my size?
Ben: Hormones. Look, Peter, you're changing. It happens with puberty.
Peter: Um, Uncle Ben? I went through puberty like five years ago, although it actually feels like fourteen.
Ben: -Riiiiight. I just want to tell you Peter that just because you can beat someone up, doesn't mean you should beat them up.
Peter: I didn't beat anyone up, I defended myself from someone who was trying to beat me up! This is injustice! I'm being told off for self-defence, that's suddenly a crime now?
Ben: Yes. Just remember Pete that with great power comes great responsibility.
Peter: What the heck does that even mean?
Ben: -What do you mean what does it mean? It means use great power responsibly! Don't make fun of one of the most legendary lines in history!
Peter: -So your referring to me gradually becoming a man as great power. Riiiiiiiiiight. Okay. That makes sense.
Professor: You know, come to think of it, before the retcon the whole 'with great power comes great responsibility' actually made more sense context wise.
Commentator: Wait what? What retcon?
Professor: Oh yeah Uncle Ben didn't originally say that it was just in the caption.
Commentator: -That explains so much.
Meanwhile in the arena, Peter enters in his costume.
Commentator: Let me get this straight. You've been working-for five evenings on a costume, and that's the best you could come up with?
Peter: I guess the filmmakers want me to have a more organic development of my costume.
Despite beating his opponent, however, the manager refuses to pay Peter all of the money.
Manager: You're lucky I'm giving you any money at all!
Peter: What? Why?
Manager: You cheated!
Manager: By using your web-crawling and slinging abilities against someone who didn't!
Peter: Oh right. That.
Just as he leaves the building, however, a thief runs through the corridor with some cash. Instead of stopping him, however, Peter just lets him through.
Guard: What's the matter with you, kid? How dare you not stop a guy who was older than you holding a gun!
Later that day, however, Peter would find his uncle having been shot and dying in his arms. Later that day Peter tracked down the killer.
Spiderman: Now, Burglar, I shall seal your fate! (Pulls off his mask)
Burglar: Why did you just inexplicably take off your mask and expose your identity for no reason?
Peter: That is how I've sealed your fate.
Burglar: What do you mean?
Peter: Well, those who find out about a superhero's secret identity, unless their memory is wiped, tend to die.
Burglar: -Oh. Right.
(Peter grabs the Burglar, only to see that's it's the very robber he let go earlier)
Peter: Oh. Oh dear. Well this is life changing.
And so, Peter learnt a valuable lesson: With great power, comes great responsibility. And so, Peter becomes the superhero Spiderman! Some time into his career, Spiderman encountered a flying menace only known as the Green Goblin, whom he would save his love Mary Jane from.
Mary-Jane: Who are you?
Spiderman: You know who I-aah! (Clutches mouth) Why isn't the mask muffling my voice? Seriously, how am I able to speak clearly with the mask over my mouth as if I don't have it on?
Commentator: Spidey, you just pointed out a major flaw in adapting Spiderman for the screen.
Spiderman: Now you know who I am!
Mary-Jane: No I don't.
Spiderman: -Wait, what? Seriously? Don't I sound exactly like a certain best friend?
Mary-Jane: None that I can think of.
Sometime later, the Green Goblin captured Spiderman, and attempt to convince him to join him.
Green Goblin: People will eventually turn on you, Spiderman, because in case you've forgotten, one of the things that 'Spiderman' is famous for is that everyone's a gullible idiot who believes whatever some newspaper tells them to believe!
Commentator: And this is different from the real world how?
Sometime later, Spiderman saves Mary-Jane from a bunch of rapists, and they kiss.
Spiderman: Wait, don't you have a boyfriend or something?
Mary-Jane: What's your point?
Spiderman: None whatsoever.
Sammy: Boss! Don't ruin one of the most romantic moments in the film!
Commentator: But she's cheating on her boyfriend!
Sammy: With the superhero she has a crush on!
Commentator: And that makes it okay, does it? Am I the only one who's concerned that she's being unfaithful?
Cop: Spiderman! You're under arrest!
Spiderman: Under arrest? For what?
Cop: I don't know, but I'm sure there's something you must have done! Cos the newspaper says so!
Spiderman: Yeah, dude, I know my rights, and I'm pretty sure you can't just say "Spiderman, I'm arresting you for whatever crime you may have possibly or not have done". Unless you live in a fascist state, that is-
Just then a woman can be heard screaming in the burning building, and Spiderman goes to investigate.
Spiderman: Oh my! A shrouded old woman! Well I'm sure that she can't possibly be the Green Goblin in disguise! OH MY GOD! IT WAS THE GREEN GOBLIN ALL ALONG, I HAD NO IDEA! SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME PLOT TWIST!
Spiderman: Aggh! Oh my suit! You sliced up my suit! God! I mean do you have any idea how much this thing costs? Oh man, I can't stitch this up. Man, I'm gonna have to bin the whole thing apart from the mask and start all over!
Later that day at Thanksgiving dinner, Norman Osborne (A.K.A. the Green Goblin) makes a discovery.
Osborne: (Gasp! OH MY GOD! PETER PARKER'S SPIDERMAN! Which was pretty obvious come to think of it given that Spiderman and Peter Parker have the exact same voice.) Something has come up. And let me assure you it has nothing to do with the cuts I've seen on Peter's arm.
Everyone: That's okay, we believe you.
Later that day, Harry confronts his father about his behaviour, who insults Mary-Jane.
Harry: You're wrong about her, Dad! She's not some slut who'd kiss some stranger in an alleyway!
(Mary-Jane guiltily plays with her fork)
Sometime later, Aunt May is attacked by the Green Goblin. While at her bedside, Peter and Mary-Jane get closer.
Peter: I'm actually Spiderman's personal photographer.
Mary-Jane: You are? Well despite the ludicrousness of your statement I instantly believe you. But why do people say such things about him?
Peter: And by people you mean the Bugle? And by the Bugle you mean Jameson?
Mary-Jane: Pretty much, yeah.
Peter: No idea, it's not properly explained.
Later that day, Mary-Jane is kidnapped by the Green Goblin, and Spiderman confronts him.
Green Goblin: Tell me something, Spiderman. Notice anything interesting about our surroundings?
Spiderman: Sure. We're at the Queensboro Bridge. What's your point?
Green Goblin: And have you noticed that I've also got your girl captive?
Spiderman: Er, yeah.
Green Goblin: And that you're also facing the Green Goblin?
Spiderman: Why are you pointing out the obvious?
Green Goblin: Remind you of any famous scene in 'Spiderman' that marked the end of the silver age of comics?
Spiderman: …HEY YEAH! Oh. Aw, crap. Well, given that it's Mary-Jane and not Gwen Stacy there's a chance that she'll just get sucked in an alternate dimension instead-
Green Goblin: No Shadow Realms. We're not that lame.
Spiderman: -Oh right.
And so, as a diabolical twist to his game, the Green Goblin attempts to make Spiderman choose between the woman he loves and a tramway car full of children. However, like Batman in 'Batman Forever', Spiderman attempts to save both, because he's both Peter Parker and Spiderman or something like that.
Green Goblin: Whoa whoa wait a minute, are you able to hold that car?
Spiderman: Er, yeah. What's your point?
Green Goblin: I thought that spiders the size of humans could only carry at least 4 tons?
Spiderman: And your point is?
Green Goblin: That thing weighs far more than four tons.
Spiderman: -Oh. Right.
Spiderman's strength weakens as he realises he shouldn't be able to hold the car with ease. Of course there's alot of things he shouldn't be able to do but this is something especially. Just when the Goblin appears to have won, a Deus Ex Machina flies through the air.
Green Goblin: What? A baseball bat? Oh come on! Who is responsible?
Just then a load of ordinary New Yorkers have come to Spidey's rescue.
Green Goblin: Hey, what gives? I thought everyone was supposed to hate Spiderman by this point?
Commentator: Yeah, it seems that Sam Raimi has done away with all of that.
Green Goblin: -What?
Spiderman and Mary-Jane: What?
Other Spidermen: WHAT?
Commentator: Personally I think it's an improvement. It's such a relief to watch a 'Spiderman' continuity where not everyone's a gullible idiot who believes everything they read in a newspaper in spite of the evidence.
And so, after rescuing Mary-Jane and the hostages, Spiderman engages the Goblin in an epic showdown.
Spiderman: You know something, Gobby? Choosing 'The Night Gwen Stacy Died' as the issue to base your master plan around was a bad idea.
Green Golbin: Why do you say that? (Uses the remote to remotely control the glider)
Spiderman: Tell me something, Goblin. What happens after Gwen is killed?
Green Goblin: Well if memory serves me correctly, the Green Goblin and Spiderman engage in a final showdown, the Green Goblin then remotely positions his glider in an attempt to kill Spiderman, but he just jumps out of the way and the Goblin gets impaled in- (Spiderman jumps out of the way of the incoming glider) Oh. Cr-GAK!
Harry: Gasp! Spiderman has come in with my father's body! I must make the only possible conclusion that he has killed my dad!
Commentator: You know, I'm not sure that's the only conclusion-
Mary-Jane: Peter, I love you, and I'm yours.
Peter: I'm sorry, Mary-Jane, but I don't love you.
Commentator: You fool! What are you doing? For the past two hours you've been drooling over Mary Jane, and the audience has been cheering you on, and now that you finally have her you don't want her? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
Peter: I'm sorry. I just want to protect her, that's all.
Commentator: DAMN YOU PETER PARKER!!!!!!!!
And so, all is well. Well, apart from Harry's Dad being dead and Peter not being able to be with the woman he loves. But other than that all is well. What more adventures await the Webslinger? Find out next time on Spiderman Abridged!
Peter: You know, there was something in that film that didn't make sense.
Commentator: -Only one thing?
Peter: Well yeah! Since when can spiders produce silk from their front limbs?
Commentator: Well I don't think the filmmakers really could have it coming out of your butt, do you?
Peter: Well no, but- what happened to the mechanical web-shooters?
Commentator: Yeah, Sam Raimi thought you inventing those would have been stretching the audience's suspense of belief a bit too far.
Peter: -Let me get this straight. This is a movie, where a spider bit somehow gives a teenager superpowers, a world of serums that turn you into crazed super soldiers who ride on magical gliders, where masks defy the laws of sound and physics by NOT muffling a voice when they should, and Raimi thought mechanical web-shooters were stretching the audience's suspense of belief?
Commentator: I know, you know, directors just have very weird lines of logic. I mean Daniel Radcliffe was hired by Chris Columbus because he wasn't TOO emotional! Can you believe that? Well at least Raimi knows that people have there limits. I mean there are some writers who think they can get away with any sort of crap just because it's a sci-fi-fan show!
The Haitian: Why was he glancing in my direction?
P.S. I do not own the Haitian, Nick Fury, S.H.I.E.L.D or anything related either.