I do not own 'Spider-Man' or anything related.

Commentator: Welcome back, my normal and superhero wannabe friends to the latest installment of 'Spider-Man Abridged (With Commentary)'! Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

(The Professor does so, and out pops no envelopes)

Commentator: What the? We didn't get any reviews? I thought we constructed an extra shoot for any gifts?

Professor: No, I don't think anything is blocking up the shoot this time.

(Pushes up a broom just to be sure. Nothing comes down)

Commentator: Huh. Fancy that. Oh well I'm sure they're just coming in late, they're bound to come down in a second.

(Night time)

Commentator: Yep. Any minute now.

(It's now the next day)


Professor: Apparently our readers did not consider our parody to be review worthy.

Commentator: But that's impossible! The parodies are always the more successful ones!

Professor: What about 'Fullmetal Alchemist' for it's first chapter, as well as one of the 'Yu Yu Hakushou' chapters.

Commentator: Well okay there have been exceptions.

Professor: And not all of the more serious ones have done that badly. Heck 'Philosopher's Stone With A Difference' has the highest number of hits!

Commentator: Something that still baffles me. At least tell me we got a decent number of hits for this fic!

Professor: Hmm, let me see. (Fiddles with glasses) Gasp! IT'S EXACTLY ONE HUNDRED!

Commentator: What, one hundred? WHAT, ONE HUNDRED? That's all?

Professor: Apparently so.

Commentator: Huh. Oh well that's not too bad I guess. But you're telling me we got no reviews at all?

Professor: We did get favourited.

Commentator: Then that person shall be spared.

Professor: Well at least now that you've whined people will review our fic now.

Commentator: They'd better! Otherwise people are gonna get-


(He points to an envelope floating down from the shoot)

Commentator: Oh! See, Prof? I told you they were only late coming! Well done, 1. You have spared your world from my wrath.

Professor: Yes. That list would have gotten really long.

Commentator: Now let's see what he or she has to say:

this is an awsome parody. you should totally do another one for spiderman 2. also try to abridged kingdom hearts (with commentary). that guy is so funny.

Yeah, the thing about 'Kingdom Hearts', Anonymius only parodies things that he's seen or experienced and sadly, neither apply to 'Kingdom Hearts'. Although even without playing the game I guess I could make a few jokes at its expense! I mean seriously, mixing cartoon characters in a serious setting with them all in different worlds? Ha! However, we will be doing ones for all Spider-Man films, so here's the latest!

Secretary: The board have been waiting for their pizzas for over a second! I'm not paying for these!

Peter: Well, even though I could easily blame my lateness on the traffic (Which would be true if I wasn't Spider-Man), I easily give in to your unreasonable demands.

Pizzeria Owner: You're fired!

Peter: Please give me another chance! I'll do better next time even though I'll never be able to arrive for work or deliver pizzas on time-

Pizzeria Owner: I'm not talking about your punctuality!

Peter: -Oh. Then what's the problem?

Pizzeria Owner: Next time you deliver a pizza, you GET the money no matter what reason they give you!

Peter: -But I can't do that! I'm too mild mannered!

Pizzeria Owner: And that is why I'm firing you.

Commentator: (In the basket of Peter's bike) Cheer up, Pete! Honestly, I don't know what you were thinking! You working at a pizzeria! Ha! That's about as lame as you working at a burger restaurant, HAHAHAHA why are you looking at me like that?

Professor: …I take it you've never read any of the comics, have you Sir?

Commentator: Prof, the only magazine with pictures and speech bubbles that I'll ever admit to reading are the ones in black and white and read from right to left, why?

Professor: Well…you know 'Ultimate Spiderman'?

Commentator: I'm familiar with the comic, why?

Professor: Well…he eventually works for a fast-food joint called Burger Frog.

Commentator: …WHAT? What happened to the Bugle?

Professor: Apparently they shut down for no clear reasons. The comic skipped six months worth of detail.

Commentator: But I thought that 'Ultimate Spiderman' was supposed to be better than the mainstream nowadays?

Professor: Perhaps the writers felt that Peter Parker working at a fast food restaurant was more relatable to our modern day teens than a newspaper company.

Commentator: Yeah, but a burger restaurant? Shudder. It's Buffy Season Six all over again.

Professor: But don't worry, this won't happen for another six years!

Commentator: Anyway Pete, I don't understand why you were applying for a job other than the Bugle in the first place!

Peter: This is why.

Jameson: PARKER! I demand that you get me pictures of Spider-Man so I can write lies about him and make the police department and city hall waste time and money on someone who isn't even a criminal!

Commentator: Ohhh. I see.

Peter: Spider-Man doesn't want his pictures in the Bugle, anymore, you've turned the city against him!

Pedestrian: We love you Spidey!

Pedestrian: You the man, Spidey!

Guitarist: Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can-

Peter: Just listen to that cry of hatred outside!

Jameson: I know, ain't it great?

Hoffman: Hatred? But that sounded like-

Robbie: (Places hand on Hoffman's shoulder) I wouldn't bother, if I was you. They're still not used to Spider-Man in this universe being loved while he's hated in almost every other continuity.

Jameson: I'm sorry, Parker, but I won't accept anything else!

Peter: Well instead of taking advantage of the fact that I'm the only one who can get you pictures of Spider-Man, which contribute largely to your sales, thereby forcing you to accept my terms of taking it easy on Spider-Man or threatening to take them to another paper that would gladly take them, I easily give in to your demands.

Peter: Man, what a day it's been. Getting fired, being forced to give Jameson pictures that will slander Spidey's reputation, getting into trouble with Dr Connors. Could this day get any worse?

Friends And Relatives: Happy Birthday!

Peter: Oh yeah it's my Birthday! I kinda forgot with all the misery I've been experiencing today!

Mary-Jane: Did you see my billboard?

Peter: Yeah. Oh boy.

Mary-Jane: Oh boy? What are you, Scott Bakula's illegitimate love child?

Peter: Oh boy that was a surprisingly good birthday! Despite everything that has happened today!

Director: Yeah well I thought I might as well give you a good birthday before all the crap I'll put you through this.

Peter: Gee, thanks! Wait, what?

Peter: Oh boy. I'm struggling to pay the bills, as is Aunt May. Hey wait a minute! I thought my job at the daily Bugle was supposed to pay for all the bills and support my aunt! Seriously, isn't that the reason I get a job at the Bugle in the first place?

After speaking to Dr. Octavius about girls, Peter takes his advice as to how to woo the woman of his dreams.

Commentator: Let me get this straight. You are reading poetry?

Peter: Yes.

Commentator: To win Mary-Jane's heart?

Peter: Yes.

Commentator: Even though you already won her heart and despite the fact that you were the one who turned her down in the first place?

Peter: Um, yes?


Commentator: Did Miles Millar and Al Gough write this script or something?

Professor: Yes they did and you know it! Don't make it out as if they always have illogicality in their scripts!

Commentator: After what happened to 'Smallville', who could blame me?

Professor: Sir, part of the blame also goes to the other writers as well. I mean Gough and Millar did write 'Memoria' after all!

Commentator: That was them? But that was the best episode of Season 3 ever!

Octavius: So, what do you think of my tentacles?

(Everyone is horrified)

Octavius: What?

Scientist: Those tentacles-they look kinda familiar...

Octavius: Huh? Oh yeah I bought them off a sentinel a year ago. But don't worry, as long as I have this chip, they're totally harmless!

Tentacle #1: MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! At last! We are free of humanity! Again! Now to fulfill our purpose and wipe out humanity! Tonight, the night of the tentacle begins!

Tentacle #2: Do you think anyone got that reference?

Tentacle #3: I think it was lost on the younger members of the audience.

Tentacle #4: I'm just here to look shiny!

Later that film, Peter plans to see Mary-Jane's play.

Peter: It was sure nice of my old boss to let me keep the bike. OH NO! MY BIKE HAS BEEN DESTROYED!

Commentator: Personally, I think those crooks did you a favour. I mean if you are going to be able to ride a motorcycle, at least let it be a cool one!

Although beating the crooks, Peter has problems getting into the theatre.

Peter: Oh come on! You've gotta be kidding me! This can't happen in real life! So what if you're a little late for a play, you're not allowed in despite paying for it? Hey you look awfully familiar Mr Bouncer guy.

Usher: I don't know why. Of course my last job was at a wrestling arena, but I can't imagine how we met there. And I'm not a bouncer, I'm an usher!

Peter: Really? Could've fooled me.

Later that film, Mary-Jane tells Peter that she doesn't want to see him again, and when he gets the wrong kind of drink, he snaps.

Peter: Okay seriously, what the crap? (Throws the glass down on the ground) I can't believe all the crap I've been going through this film! Losing my job at the pizza parlour, getting bumped into at school, getting into trouble with Dr Connors, my aunt and I being in debt, not being able to see Mary-Jane's play, my spider costume going pink, me suddenly losing my spider powers, getting cut off on the phone, Mary-Jane no longer wanting to hang around with me, not being able to get a single appetiser, and to top it all off, when I finally get a drink, it has an umbrella in it? I can understand the difficulty of balancing a life of Spider-Man with Peter Parker, and that the crime can make it difficult to have a personal life, but not being able to go to the play once? Just the once? Seriously, WHO WROTE THIS SCRIPT?

(Real writers are tied up, while a green hand finishes writing the script up to this point)

Green Goblin: Heheheheheheh. Ain't I a stinker?

Spider-Man: And to top it all off, my best friend hits me and I'm forced to take pictures of the love of my life and her fiancée. That's it! I can't take it anymore! I don't want to be Spiderman anymore!

(Suddenly Spiderman runs out of web fluid)

Spider-Man: Uh oh. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to wish that while web-slinging. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(As he falls, he is joined by another superhero falling, this one wearing a cat themed costume)

Masked Hero: Oh, hello there! You trying to fly by falling too?

Spider-Man: -Who are you?

Masked Hero: The name's Copycat. World's mightiest hero!

Doctor: Have you been experiencing Heartbreak, bad dreams, heartbreak? Did I mention heartbreak?

Peter: Yes, several times! Although I can't imagine why that would be a reason. I have been having dreams as Spider-Man though.

Doctor: Spiderman? Well even though it's perfectly natural for anyone to dream of themselves as a superhero, I'm going to look at you strangely anyway.

Peter: Well, in the dream, I was trying to crawl up a wall. But I couldn't do it, in the dream. Did I mention that this was a dream?

Doctor: Yes! Several times! I don't know why you keep mentioning that, It's not like I think you're Spider-Man or anything! Of course I'm a doctor, not a psychologist, however I will tell you that you have a choice to be selfish and put your needs before all others. After all, that is the American Way!

Peter: -The American way…

Uncle Ben: Now Pete, you must continue to be Spider-Man despite the crap life throws at you.

Peter: I'm sorry, Uncle Ben. I refuse to accept your unreasonable suggestion. I'm Spider-Man no more. No more...no more...

Director: Oh dear. I think I pushed him over the edge.

Commentator: JEEZ, YA THINK?

Peter: Ah, I am so happy now that nothing can destroy my good mood.

Plot: What about an inexplicable punch in the stomach that comes completely out of nowhere?

Peter: OW! Nope, not even that. Any injury I receive will be healed by the power of my glasses!

Commentator: You still have those things?

Peter: Uh, yeah, what' the problem?

Commentator: Okay Pete, I understand that your eyesight is no longer good, but if you're not going to wear contact lenses could you PLEASE get glasses with a thinner frame?

Peter: What's wrong with my glasses?

Commentator: Well for one thing they make your nose look big.

Peter: And so, I lived happily ever after. The end.

Commentator: Not meaning to burst your bubble, Pete, but-what are you supposed to do for money?

Peter: -What do you mean?

Commentator: Well let's face it, Spider-Man was your livelihood! How are you supposed to be paid for photos of Spider-Man if, well, you know, Spider-Man isn't around anymore?

Peter: -I don't think I thought this through.

Commentator: Jeez, ya think?

Peter: Hi MJ! You saw that I was at your play? I'm a reliable person now! I do my homework, and there is absolutely nothing else for me to do! Will you ditch your fiancée and go out with me even though I told you that I could only be your friend?

Mary-Jane: Peter, did you really expect me to break up with my fiancée and go out with you when you told me you didn't feel the same way just because you saw my play?

Peter: ...Um, yes?

Mary-Jane: Are you sure you're a genius?

Commentator: Clearly not at life!

Peter: Well. That kinda went differently in my head.

Commentator: I guess loads of things happen differently in your head. And why aren't you wearing your glasses, I thought you were practically blind now?

Peter: -Oh that's right! I can't see well anymore without my glasses! I completely forgot all about that!

Commentator: How? How could you possibly forget that?

Commentator: This is all your fault! All that crap you threw at Peter drove him over the edge!

Director: I'm sorry!

Commentator: Well you should be! You just killed Spider-Man!

Director: What can I do to make it up?

Commentator: Bring back Spider-Man!

Director: Oh fine. Do you think him seeing a poor guy beaten up, a house fire, and realising that people need him including Mary-Jane will turn him back?

Commentator: It just might.

Peter: Wow! Those girls were checking me out!

Commentator: (Sniggers) Yeah. Sure they were, Pete.

Professor: Actually Sir, he may have a point. Peter does have a lot of admirers in this movie.

Commentator: I know, it's bizarre!

Meanwhile at his Aunt's house, Peter has just confessed to her about how his actions led to Uncle Ben's death.

(Aunt May stares at him)

Aunt May: Pfffffft HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! YOU? IN WRESTLING? AHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Oh Pete, I do love you, and I think you're brilliant but-YOU'RE NO WRESTLER AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Peter: No, I mean it! I was at this wrestling tournament and I-

Aunt May: OH STOP IT YOU'RE KILLING ME! Oh Pete. It was nice of you to try to cheer me up by taking the blame.

Peter: Aunt May I'm serious, I'm responsible!

Aunt May: Of course you are-Pete. Excuse me for a moment while I-deal with this-shocking revelation. (Goes upstairs, and erupts into even louder laughter)

Peter: That kinda happened differently in my-

Commentator: WE KNOW!

Later that film, Peter realises that people need Spider-Man, and attempts to jump across to another building.

Peter: I'm back! I'm back! I'm back! Even though I'm not too enthusiastic about going back to a life where I can't be with the woman I love or help a newspaper slander me AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Crashes into a car below)

Peter: Yeah. That-could have gone better.

Copycat: (Lying on top of a nearby car) You're telling me.

Peter: -Are you still trying to fly?

Copycat: It's my seventy-seventh time! I'm hoping to get to a hundred.

Peter: Right. Are you sure you can fly?

Copycat: I'm positive! I did it the first couple of times! Course the first was when my brother caught me and the second was when I was on a ledge.

Peter: Right. I don't suppose it ever occurred to you that flying by falling DOESN'T WORK?

Copycat: …Wow! You're really smart! I never would have worked that out by my own! Hey, have I got that right, is your name Peter?

Peter: Er, yeah.

Copycat: MINE TOO! Hey, do you suppose that I was named after you or something?

Peter: Er, yeah, excuse for a minute I'm going to run away now.

Peter: MJ, I'm sorry. I thought I could be there for you, but lately I realised that I can't.



Peter: (Taken aback) What?

Mary-Jane: First you tell me that you have an epiphany that we can be together, and I go through all this trouble of meeting you, cheating on my fiancée, mind you-

Commentator: Oh like cheating on your boyfriends is that big a sacrifice for you to make!

Mary-Jane: -Now you tell me that you've had another epiphany that we CAN'T be together? What are you going to have a third epiphany that we can then rush into the church asking me not to marry the guy making me a runaway bride then after going out for a while you're going to have a fourth epiphany that we can't be together leaving me all alone? YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! (Breathes harshly a few times) All right. Just kiss me.

Peter and Commentators: -Huh?

Mary-Jane: I know it's a strange request after getting mad at you, but I want to be sure of something.


Professor: Knows what?

Sammy: That Peter is really Spider-Man!

Professor: ...That was quite some quick thinking, Sam. AND HOW COME I DIDN'T REALISE THAT BEFORE YOU?

Commentator: Honestly, I'd be very surprised if she didn't realise that Peter was Spider-Man, what with his sudden martial skills and no need for glasses at school, Spidey saying 'I was in the neighbourhood' the exact same way as Peter, not to mention that he and Spidey have the exact same CAR!

Professor: Exact same car? When was that shown?

Commentator: (Lying flat on the ground with his hands covering his head) NO! CAR!

(Professor sees a hurled car about to crash through the window.)

Professor: Oh. Car. CAR!

Peter: Gasp! My spidey sense which has been inactive all film has suddenly and conveniently reactivated right when I need it!


Commentator: Did anyone get hurt?

Professor: No, I think we're all okay. Hey, where's Sammy?

Sammy: (Stuck between the cab and the wall) I only wanted to get a better look of the car!

And so Doctor Octopus kidnaps Mary-Jane.

Mary-Jane: No! This wasn't supposed to happen anymore! Seriously isn't the reason Peter broke up with me was to make sure I wasn't kidnapped?

Just then, Spidey's powers return, and he walks out to free Mary-Jane, accidentally stepping on his glasses along the way.

Peter's Glasses: GAK!

Commentator: Yes! The movie is starting to improve!

Spider-Man: Oh no! My mask has been hit by the sparks! However, instead of doing the sensible thing and keeping a hold of my mask, I'm going to throw it away and risk revealing my secret identity. Besides, it's not like people are going to see me without my mask!

Man: He's only a kid! No older than my own boy!

Woman: Really? I'd say he looks 29!

Peter: Uh oh. My cover's blown. OW, what's that noise? It sounds familiar.

Commentator: That would be the sound of outrage from the fans given that your secret identity has now been exposed. You last heard it when you turned down Mary-Jane at the end of the last film.

Peter: Oh yeah!

Professor: NO! This is a travesty! This is the worst event in comic book hero history since 'Batman and Robin'!

Commentator: Oh come now, Professor, at least it's not as bad as what Tony Stark did.

(A cloud of black smoke flies past the train)


(Commentators stare)

Commentator: Sigh. I really dislike these running jokes.

Sammy: But boss! That wasn't a flying joke! It was a running one!

(The Commentator kicks him out of the train)



Child: Why did you do that to that poor slug?

Commentator: Simply put? Because he asks for it. Constantly.

Professor: No! This is unacceptable! (Lights a bomb) The secret must be protected at all costs! (Prepares to throw it)

Commentator: PROF, NO!

(Knocks the bomb out of his hand, and sending it flying through the window)


Voldemort: AAAH!

Pizzeria Manager: My pizzeria!

Commentator: Wow. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. But seriously Prof we must not interfere!


Commentator: But when I do it, it's cuuute!

Professor: But how is Spiderman going to get out of this mess?

Child: Don't worry! We won't tell anyone!

Commentator: Oh I see! They're going for the Hannah Montana method!

(Professor stares at him)

Commentator: Which I totally don't watch! AHAHAHAHA! Seriously now, I was watching TV, then the advert for the movie came up where she reveals her secret identity, and I was just curious so I looked up on Wikipedia what happened, I don't actually watch the show or anything-


Dr Octopus: Oh, Spidey, Spidey, Spidey. Having your secret identity exposed, that's extremely careless! Now let's see, I'm trying to remember, what tends to happen to those who discover the hero's secret identity? Oh! That's right! They all die.

Professor: Oh, so Dr Octopus kills them! Few. It's nice to know that Spidey's secret is safe.

Commentator: PROF!

Professor: Oh like you show compassion to those who die in trains!

Commentator: What are you talking about?

Professor: Remember when we watched 'Caprica'?



Commentator: Oh sure. The brown skinned guy is the terrorist.

Professor: SIR!

Commentator: What?

Professor: These characters we have just gotten to know have suddenly died, and all you can do is complain about stereotypes?

Commentator: Well yeah! It's only a tv show, it's not like anyone was actually killed, but enforcing stereotypes? That actually affects the world!

Fortunately, though Dr Octopus fails to kill the passengers.

Professor: Goddamn it, can't you actually kill people?

Later that film, Dr Octopus hands Spider-Man over to Harry, who plans to kill him.

Commentator: Say. That dagger looks kinda familiar.

Harry: Huh? Oh yeah, it belonged to the Natchioses, I kinda took over all of their property when no one was left. Of course there is this legend that the one who holds this dagger and tries to kill someone out of revenge for the death of their father is cursed to find that the person is the one they love the most. But I'm sure it's just a legend! Now then, I want to look into the eyes of my father's murderer as he slowly dies.

Commentator: Oh yeah. Like that wasn't just lifted out of 'DareDevil'!

Harry: GASP! Peter? You're Spider-Man? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Commentator: It's okay! We can save the situation! There's a possibility that he will accept that Dr Octopus just got the wrong guy just don't do anything-


Commentator: -Revealing your spider abilities.

Harry: Peter. You killed my father.

Peter: And instead of answering your question and avoiding any future misunderstanding that will lead to you becoming the new goblin and trying to kill me, I'm just not going to answer the question with a simple 'yes' or 'no'.

And so, Spider-Man tracks down Dr Octopus and defeats him.

Spider-Man: Now to suddenly pull off my mask!

Commentator: Stop revealing your secret identity!

Spider-Man: Oh like it's a secret anymore!

Commentator: Seriously, you're worse than DareDevil!

Professor: But just as bad as his Ultimate counterpart!

Peter then turns around to see that Mary-Jane has seen him without his mask.

Commentator: So wait we don't even get to see Mary-Jane's initial reaction at the unmasking of Spider-Man? That's like setting up a superhero fight, then cutting to a different scene!

Copy-Cat: Why was he glancing in my direction?

And so Octavius sacrifices himself to save the city.

Tentacle #1: Curses! Our plan to destroy New York City has failed! No matter, soon we will be back, and exact our vengeance on humanity! It has only been postponed. TENTACLE DAY IS INEVITABLE!

Tentacle #2: Shut up, Gary.

Mary-Jane: I guess I always knew, who you really were.

Peter: Shame that never played useful when you got mad at me for missing your play. Was it the upside down kiss?

Mary-Jane: Well, that and the fact that you suddenly gained martial abilities similar to Spider-Man, no longer needed your glasses, the whole 'I was in the neighbourhood' line, Spiderman disappearing around the same time you said you were free, not to mention the obvious fact that you and Spider-Man sound EXACTLY THE SAME! Honestly, I can't understand why I didn't put two and two together that you were Spider-Man earlier!

Commentator: Neither can we, Mary-Jane. Neither can we.

Mary-Jane: Now to run through New York in my wedding dress instead of doing the sensible thing and making my decision before I put on the dress and actually call off the wedding!

Mary-Jane: Peter, I love you, and I'm yours.

Peter: Mary-Jane I-

Commentator: Pete she's right at your doorway! She has always been right in your doorway! Don't turn her down after making her run through New York like a complete idiot!

Peter: Mary-Jane, I'm so-

Commentator: Pete if you don't accept her I'm going to whack you repeatedly with a mallet.

Peter: Sure why not?

(Mary-Jane and Peter kiss. Finally)

Audience: HOORAY!


And so, Peter and Mary-Jane have FINALLY gotten together. What future trials await them? Find out next time on 'Spider-Man Abridged (With Commentary)'!

Commentator: I say, Professor, this film made a lot more sense in the game adaptation.

Professor: How so, Bakura?

Commentator: Well, in the game you had Spider-Man late for the whole play instead of just the beginning and held up by the usher/bouncer for no reason. You also had Spidey feeling bad about trying to woo Mary-Jane when he knew she was engaged. You also had him stopping the train by jumping behind it WITHOUT revealing his secret identity. You had half of the city hating him instead of stating 'you've turned the city against him' when the only people who hated him were Harry Osborne and criminals!

Professor: What about Jameson?

Commentator: Well last time I checked, libel IS A CRIME. Not to mention that the scene with Harry Osborne unmasking Spidey was a lot less reminiscent of Daredevil and Elektra with his reaction not so over the top and Spidey not so oblivious, plus you actually saw Mary-Jane seeing Spidey without his mask for the first time, plus you had MJ calling off the wedding BEFORE getting in the dress instead of after and running through New York like a complete moron! not to mention Ock's storyline was a bit more complex with him blaming Spider-Man for the death of his wife and the storyline overall was more complex with characters like Black Cat, Shocker, Mysterio and the Rhino.

P.S. I do not own the lyrics of the Spider-Man theme song, Voldemort or anything related either. If there is anything I've missed then I apologise. Also the Commentator's views to no reviews at first coming in do not reflect my own.