As I sit with my back against the bare white wall, I study the vacant room of my former apartment.
I let another tear slip down my cheek.
I can't really think though. My mind is filled with a thick fog. My heart feels like it was shot and there was a gaping unsealing hole left. I feel my stomach twisting in disbelief. Like a black hole, I feel it consuming my whole being.
I am so cold. So freezing, that my whole being is convulsing. Then again, it may not be the cold, it could just be me. I can't tell anymore. Nothing seems to connect. I don't even feel a drive to fight for a reason to understand. All reason is gone. I don't know what I'll do anymore. It feels as though I am in a maze. It never ends and I keep hitting all the dead ends.
I try to remember why I am crying again. I feel a haze wrap around my mind. It's like a shield; keeping me from thinking. From remembering. But what? I continue to cry, harder now. I try my hardest to make room in my mind for reasoning.
You know that saying, 'be careful what you wish for'? No one ever heads that warning, and apparently neither do I.
I can practically hear my heart breaking. I feel the bile rise up my throat and I turn & emptied my stomach. Now too weak to move, I continue to just sit there and start sobbing uncontrollably.
Why the sudden episode? I remembered.
Edward. Edward Mason. My husband. Does not… exist anymore. He's gone.
It suddenly reminds me of that stupid song that Alice, Edward's sister/ my best friend, and I always make fun of. Live like we're dying by Kris Allen.
'You never see a crash till it's head on.'
How true that part is.
Edward was in the driver's seat; talking to me animatedly about a story Emmett, his brother, had told him at dinner that I had missed while I was in the kitchen.
Edward was talking to me, his dazzling green eyes on me while he was driving. No matter how many times I have told him to keep his eyes on the road, he never did.
"Edward, eyes on the road." I chastened, smiling at him.
"Sorry love." He apologized, giving my hand a slight squeeze, and then turned back to the road.
I noticed his eyes grow wide and worried. I turned to look out the main front window and my heart went into overdrive.
A red Chevy truck was barreling straight towards us.
I was aware of everything all at once -the green trees, the left turn attempt to avoid the red Chevy that would have caused a different accident, my Wuthering Heights book on lap, how clear the blue sky was, and the position of cars in the rear view mirror.
I was aware of every other street and car and pedestrian and sidewalk and house that caught my eye. When I look back, it's as though I had 360 degree vision.
I noticed the curb in front of me, but my car was sliding toward it. "Oh No, don't let us slam into that curb." I knew that hitting the curb would have changed what was happening so much, but with that thought...
I heard a strange noise and then I was looking through a white fog. For a moment....just a moment....I wondered if I was dead, and honestly, I was waiting for people to step through to greet me. Those expectations didn't last long as the answer fell into my mind that the airbags exploded.
The airbag powder cleared quickly since the air conditioner fan was still running. Now I could see cars stopped outside and people from across the street were staring. That's what people do. They stare.
Then I felt frightened. "Is Edward alright?" I opened my eyes and looked over into an image that would haunt me for the rest of my life.
Edward's body lying limp, bruised, and bloody, over the steering wheel.
As I continue to sob, I remember that Alice was coming to pick me up from Edward and I's apartment. Or just mine now. I was just saying goodbye. I couldn't really stand to live here anymore. The memories were too fresh.
I then think about having to go see Edward's family. Today would be the first time. I didn't go to the funeral. I… just couldn't. I hadn't even seen Alice yet. She had left a note on my door, telling me that she was picking me up whether I liked it or not. I then wince, as I think about the likenesses between Edward and his family. They all, except Esme, have those same piercing emerald green eyes. And Esme has the beautiful bronze hair that Edward has. Or had.
Right then I realized that I can't handle being reminded of him. It may seem irrational to run from Alice, my best friend, or Emmett, who was practically my big brother, and Carlisle and Esme, who were like my parents ever since mine had died a few years earlier. They had been shot by drive by shooter. But, what if they blame me for distracting him? What if they hate me now? No. No, I can't handle the rejection.
I rise unsteadily to my feet, run down to my black Saturn, and jump in the driver's seat.
I start the car, driving away from my past, not once looking back.
Tell me what you think?!?!