Disclaimer: I don't own. I'm not Stephanie Myer. No suing.
-Double Disclaimer: This is a review, so you'll get the facts and my opinion. No hatin'-its my right to voice my opinion, just as it is yours to disagree. I'm open to discussion, just no flames.
Warnings: Um…nothing I can think of.
AN: This is my review of the movie New Moon. I saw the movie, and here I am to tell you what happened. My sense of humor will also be added to spice it up.
VR's Review of the second movie in the Twilight saga: New Moon.
"These violent delights have violent ends. And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which, as they kiss, consume."
Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene VI.
The scene opens with that famous quotation (By Bella herself), as Bella runs through fair Verona…errr….Volterra. Bella runs in dramatic slow motion, trying to beat the clock. When it does its ominous gonging, the scene does an abrupt change over. it's the meadow, with the happy flowers and cheery lovebird feel. Actually it doesn't give that kinda feel. Bella sees her Granny from across the field; Edward is there too. Bella flips out when Edward starts to sparkle in her Granny's presence.
The two walk over to her, and after a few Simon Says tricks, Bella realizes its not her Granny she's lookin' at, but her own reflection. Edward wishes her a happy birthday, and Bella wakes up in a freak-out. "Oh Em Gee-I'll like, get wrinkles! Gross!"
The next significant scene-or not-but hey we wouldn't have a movie if that were true. Anyways, Edward I Sparkle Cullen takes Bella to school and as the two bid goodbye, Jacob I am furry Black shows up for some reason. Jacob and Bella toss back a few cougar jokes (which is creepy and ironic b/c Bella is the youngest between her and Eddy-kins, and what happens with Jacob in Breaking Dawn…).
Then the script writers decide to put some crap foreshadowing by having Edward and Jacob glare at each other. Which admittedly, isn't scary at all considering its between a puffball and someone who sparkles. So anywho, we go to that oh-so-special- birthday party for Bella scene (since any scene involving school is unimportant.)
At the party, Jasper gets constipated(as usual in the films.) and chases Bella down for that vital bottle of Pepto Bismal in overdramatic slow-motion. Ok its actually Bella getting her proverbial paper cut, but the scene looked like it was filmed for both ways. Either way I laughed when Bella got pushed out of the way and Jasper acting like a extra from one of the 28 Days Later franchise.
So Carlisle or Carsizzle as some call him(he is a pretty boy after all) steps in, in doctor mode to save the day. After she gets at patched up from nearly being eaten, Edward drives her home and in her driveway commences the bad acting pseudo make out scene. Kristen Stewart and Rob Patterson demonstrate their heavy breathing skills. Its laughable-actually I probably did laugh.
Bella has a freak out because Edward is having a better relationship with his angst than her. The next bit is when Edward takes Bella to the woods, and no its not so they can practice their heavy breathing(or lack thereof), but so Eddy-boy can dump Bella in a more dramatic fashion than normal non-sparkly boyfriends do. So after he says the whole "You suck more than I do, and I'm gonna be even worse than I already am by dumping you to make out with my angst." He pulls a batman, and disappears, causing Bella the chase after him before crumpling to the ground with angst.
Then it gets dark…and a large, ominous looking shape watches Bella as she curls up with angst. Instead of eating her (Like I wished), it watches her in a way that is supposed to foreshadow the arrival of the pedo…werewolves. The foreshadowing doesn't work because every fan girl knows this plot thread by heart. The dark B-grade-monster-from-a-horror-flick runs back into the darkness when a search party arrives, looking(Obviously-that's why they're called search parties) for Ms. Angst Swan.
Cue shirtless Sam-leader of the wolf boys. The point is, Bella gets taken home to angst in the comfort of her own home and we're treated to a rotating camera with subtitles telling us of the changing months. Although there is one new thing that they added: Bella writes letters to Alice. Said letters never get sent, but are heard as "monologue" I call it that loosely. It sounds like gloomy bitching to me. This what we hear as we see Bella looking pasty and angst-y as she stares blank eyed at her school-or any surrounding for that matter. Incidentally, this is the only time Kristen Stewart actually looks like she's acting.
So the Port Angeles scene is up next-I actually can't remember any of the scenes between this one and the previous one-if there were any in the first place. That should indicate the quality of the movie, if it hasn't been made obvious already. So she goes to the movies-with oh-so-wonderful Jessica. They walk past some stereotypically thuggish looking bikers-complete with grubby facial hair.
Bella has flashbacks of the last time she was around some seedy looking guys(and no that doesn't include that other time…) and she walks towards them and looks at one guy(I think he was good looking-wait he must have, because Bella would never stoop to be seen with a guy that looks normal.) and so she gets on his motorcycle, thus insuring her bike fetish in the future series.
So she gets on his bike and cue the hallucinations. For the movie, they have made them visual rather than audio; which made me kinda sad-it would have made a funny scene for Bella to argue at loud with a voice in her head. Instead, we as the wondrous audience get to see a pasty Edward, who looks like just rolled out of bed. Because its Rob Patterson instead of say, George Clooney, I die inside when I see him.
So Bella spazzes and the biker decides she isn't the poon he isn't looking for(so no, Bella does not get raped-that would make the movie easier to watch-which is scary.) Said biker drops her near Jessica, who like a normal person-flips out. Bella immediately becomes a adrenaline junkie and its obvious.
But wait! There's more-unfortunately. Bella gets her bikes that suck-we don't see her buy them, but we do get to see her drive to La Push for her man-stealing plan…er…to see Jacob to ease her Hole(Or holes at this point…I can't tell either way.) Maybe Shih LeBouf dug them…hee hee get it? I know I spelled his name wrong, but hopefully my(yes I know its bad) joke isn't lost.
Anyway, Bella is amazed when Jacob imitates Chuck Norris when he does physical tasks. They do more cougar jokes-which is ironic because Jacob is the one who imprints on Bella's baby. However, Bella is in La Push to get over her angst and such. Cue another bad montage as Bella and Jacob spend time together. Bella does do the do-I-or-don't-I debate with herself as she contemplates using Jacob to make herself feel better(however it is more pronounced in the books than the movie.) It still shows the reason why she is a horrible heroine. Anyway, the only scene that sticks out is the one where the bikes are finally completed and Jacob teaches her to drive it; there is a sort of omg-will-they-like-totally-make-out-n'-stuff. Its twu-luv! Fake!Edward appears, telling Bella bikes are bad for you, m'kay? However Bella doesn't listen and she drives anyway and didn't understand the concept of steering.
Fan-service appears when Jacob literally rips off his shirt to stop the bleeding on Bella's head. (He shouldn't have.) He takes her truck to drive her to the hospital, and Bella spots the cliff diving, she freaks and tells Jacob to stop the car; they watch shirtless guys jump off cliffs and Bella says "Like, OMG that looks so cool-I gotta try that at the most inappropriate time, like ever!"
Then, the plot starts to poke its head out from its hiding place(where it is we'll never know.)-dear ol' Vicky the hooker…or vampire is darting around Forks. She wants vengeance for the death of her boyfriends James, the vampire Edward bumped off from the first book/movie. She has Forks in a panic and her own search party to boot. But since plot has showed up, the story has shifted back Bella since this series is all about her, plot must be sacrificed.
Bella walks to the meadow, and it looks even shoddier than it did last time; maybe its symbolism for Bella's state of mind. Either way it seems cheep to me. Oddly enough, the meadow doesn't even look the same from the first movie-maybe a change in location. Or its just me? Anyway, Bella starts to breakdown(yet again) and tah-dah Laurent appears in all his "I must eat you!" glory.
Sadly, that doesn't happen-the werewolves appear in all their furry wonder. One looks at Bella and they have a moment-then they chase after the black vampire(he is the only character that dies in this movie-the brother always gets it!) Laurent. Bella spazzes and runs away.
She goes…somewhere-back home-probably for the sole purpose of saying "ZOMG its wolves not bears!" to her father named Barney Fife. Then she heads to La Push, driving dramatically through the rain. Only because she "knows" that the wolves are connected with the Indian kids. She confronts a shirt-less Jacob in the rain; with the addition of his lycanthropy, Jacob gets a haircut.
Jacob does what Edward did in the beginning of the movie: telling Bella to hit the road in as horrible way as possible. She freaks out with her angst as Jacob glares at her. In the back round, a group of shirtless men glare ominously in the rain. Actually it just reminds me of Brokeback Mountain. Jacob joins them after Bella realizes she no longer has a man to use a crutch.
She angst more as she goes home, and much later in her room-she sleeps until she notices a sound-she wakes up. Yes it is Jacob-he pulls spider man moves when he climes up a tree and in her window. He is yet again shirtless for this scene-just picture him like this for the rest of the movie. Jacob gives vague "You must solve this mystery, sha laki ha do dah." in all his Native American mystical-ness.
The next day(God, will this movie ever end?), Bella goes to confront the boys at La Push and yes, they are still shirtless. She marches right up to them, and slaps one of them named Paul-yup that's a new addition to the movie. Then Paul manages to look constipated and another boy, Sam tells Bella to run the hell away. She does, but Paul furs lodes, turning into a CGI-jumbo dog. Jacob notices the trouble, and runs to save the damsel in distress that is Bella. He fur-splodes midair. Now, I'm not a CGI buff, so if anyone wonders if it was bad CGI, I'm not one to tell you.
Anyways, Jacob and Paul duke it out as wolfies. Bella freaks and the La Push wolves have no choice but to tell her the truth. They drive to Emily's-Sam's cum-dispenser, or rather his dear little housewife who cooks and cleans, and all round puts up with teenage werewolves.
The next significant scene is the infamous cliff diving scene-which is inter cut with scenes of the hunt for Victoria. It was implied that Old man Clearwater(portrayed by an ACTOR) had a heart attack b/c of Victoria, which was a slightly interesting development, but that's about it. Then some wolves attack her, while Clearwater covers up some wolf tracks(he is in on the werewolves at La Push) it was a decent scene-with ol' Vicky dodging all the fuzz ball's attacks.
Now for the cliff diving bit. They try to make it all dramatic, with bad music included-nearly Paramour-ish if memory serves. Bella jumps off, and when she gets in the water, Eddy-kins has arrived; he is lying or standing vertically if you want to call it that. They stare at each other; I'm really trying not to disturb the other audience members by laughing horrifically loudly.
Then Edward disappears and the serious, actual bit of drowning takes place. Its down all dramatically, and Victoria can be seen swimming towards Bella. The Jaws theme should be playing here, but its not sadly. What's even sadder is the fact that Jacob saves her in the nick of time. He revives her, and Jacob/Bella fans squeal; it should be noted that Bella looks pastier than usual.
Jacob drives her home, and as the truck idles, the audience gets teased with more Jacob/Bella will-it-won't-it material. The two almost kiss after Bella thinks on how her life just might not suck without Edward in it. But suddenly-note the sarcasm-a car pulls up. Bella recognizes it as Sir-Carsizzle's car; she goes into full "I must have Edward jizz mah pants, me be vamp NOW, K PLZ THK!!!" mode.
Telling Jacob to bugger off, she runs into her house and reunites with Alice, complete with deep tongue kisses (Okay, maybe not- but some girl on girl action would make this movie worth watching.). Jacob invites himself in, and the two non-human species start their bitchfest and the crucial phone call-Jacob answers it. Which means the biggest misunderstanding ever.
Alice has a plot induced vision of Edward going to the Volturri-vamps that pretty much run the show-and killing himself. Bella of course (begin eye rolling) let this happen. She makes plans to Volterra in Italy where the Volturri live. Jacob, who has a right to be flipping out-begs Bella to stay-where she is needed and wanted-Bella declines. Pretty much saying "STFU Jacob, I needs to have man(s)!" So in short, she's behaving in her usual, selfish self.
She and Alice get the hell outta dodge, complete with Bella's labor pain breathing-confirming the fact that Kristin Stewart can't act worth a damn. Then we do a loop around, getting back to the present, with Bella running in laughable slow motion-then Eddy-kins himself appears. He takes off his shirt. In the audience is the sound of laughter and exclamations of disgust as the pasty, slightly hairy body of Rob Patterson fills the screen.
Bella practically rugby tackles him and when he finally realizes she is real, he steps back in the shadows, and cue the Volturri.
They appear-with Dakota Fanning in the lead- in all their dark "respect mah auth-rata!" glory. Dakota Fanning plays Jane, who looks like a pubescent dominatrix that should have an episode of To Catch a Predator all to herself. Except she would eat said predator afterwards. And probably the entire crew as well.
Then they meet the three head baddies-with Micheal Sheen as one of them. Too bad he isn't in the movie long enough to make the movie enjoyable. But the issue of Bella's humanity( of lack thereof ) is called into question. The Volturri want to have her killed to keep vampirism a secret or turn her into a vampire herself. But Edward wants to keep her human because something along the lines of "I'm so evil since I drank one person's blood-OH NOES!" so conflict ensues.
There is an actual fight scene-its kinda cool even-with Edward and some muscular ish vamps Commence with fast motion and face cracking! Seriously-whenever a serious blow has been dealt, a vampire's face gets cracks in it-like a cheap vase. I was hoping Edward got his face shattered, but no it didn't happen. Then Jane appears with her cause pain with eye contact power.
Bella flips and then Alice comes in, revealing that she had a vision of Bella becoming sparkly too. We actually treated to said vision-of Edward and Bella prancing through the forest, their skin all sparkly. It was hilarious- mainly because of the was it was filmed-but it reminded me of a scene from Shrek 2; in the beginning during the accidentally in love sequence, where Shrek and Fiona are run/ prancing toward each other In a field of flowers, coming together just as pitchforks from an angry mob are being hurdled at them. The difference from between them is one is supposed to make you laugh and the other is laughable. Three guesses which one is which.
The Volturri are pleased that Bella is gonna be a vamp-there are more "OMG, She's like, destined to be a vamp!" Since it has been written that way for ages, the wait is long and boring. So with the promise that the Cullen's will make Bella as shiny as them one day, the Volturri allow them to leave; this introduces vampies that actually eat people, although that is never shown.
So anticlimactically, they head back to Forks. The only thing worth mentioning is when Bella and Edward make up somewhat-that seems to be saved for the next movie-not much is made of the so-called make-up/trust issue. Anyway, as they head back into the woods, they run into Jacob. Jacob is pissed-to put it mildly-that Bella(the woman he loves/lusts over) was nearly killed for the sake of a man who abandoned her. Its actually understandable. He and Edward are both on edge since they both want to get in Bella's pants-I'd say they both are concerned about her humanity, but who are they kidding?
So anyway-Jacob fursplodes into his for-legged form and the two guys are gonna get into it-over Bella "Mary-Sue" Swan. Naturally or course. Unfortunately, Bella stops the two just in time(damn) and she tells them "Both of you are man slaves-I won't have you fighting so I can have both you to keep my panties happy!" Or something to that effect and Jacob leaves. Then Edward and Bella are alone. Bella goes straight to it and tells Edward to make her into a vampire. He tells her yes, but-"Marry Me."
That's it. Really. I'm Serious. That's how the film ends, with a dramatic close up on his face(ewwww) and the words "Marry Me." before the screen abruptly goes black. Not even a slow fade to black. Wow. Well, personally I'm laughing at the "cliffhanger."
Performance: Oh my God. Did Kristin Stewart even take(and pass?) a single acting class? If she hasn't she really needs to. Breathing isn't an entire performance-and its bad breathing too. Rob Patterson can do slightly better, but he needs more than one facial expression. The only two that are actually actors were Micheal Sheen and Dakota Fanning, but they weren't on screen long enough to matter too much. The rest of the cast did alright, but nothing to memorable.
In my opinion-a movie is believable if the actors perform not only well, but great, makes the movie all the more believable. It could be the most out there setting, with crazy-ass plotlines, but with the right actors it can be a wonderful movie. New Moon just didn't have that-it fell flat on its face.
Couples: Well Bella/Edward wasn't convincing. I'll be honest-I don't like either characters separately and together. They don't have any chemistry, and the whole intensity with little to know physical contact. Now abstinence or non-abstinence between teenagers is a topic that I don't really care too much. It's the teenagers choice in my opinion. To me, their unhealthy relationship being idolized is more of an issue with me. However, my reasons for that are a totally separate issue.
Either way, these two don't really have any chemistry either way-which makes the issue moot. We already know that she'll be made a vampire either way, so the wait is really annoying. I just wish that they put two different actors to at least making the pairing look good.
As for Bella/Jacob-it never happens anyway. We just get teased with a will they/won't they issue. Which is stupid because Smeyer has set up Bella and Edward as soul mates. This is just Bella (and by definition Smeyer) wanting two men at the same time. Its more apparent in the book when Bella debates about using Jacob to make herself feel better even she knows that "She'll never stop loving Edward" and "She'll never love Jacob half as much she would Edward." that's just selfish really-not wanting to let go and make up her mind. She needs a man just to get by. Its pathetic.
Plot: The pacing is at least faster in movie than the book. Gah-it's the angst that makes the plot drag. It was torturous to get through the book, but at least in movie form its got a time limit. Plus it comes and goes-only really appearing in ways to move forward and then disappearing. So there isn't much of one.
Music: I actually don't remember too much of it. The music that went with the cliff diving was the only one that jumped out at me-and even that is only vaguely remembered.
Special Effects: I've heard that if a special effect is not noticed, then it is a good effect. The biggest special effect was of the werewolf transformations. Which were kinda cool, but I think some others would say they are cheesy. Honestly, I don't know what to make of it.
Overall: To me, if you have trouble remembering the sequence of events or pieces of a film than its not very good. Even if you've watched a great film and forgotten a majority of it. (Say it's been a long time since you've seen it.) You'll have at least remember having enjoyed it. I, however, remembered none of either of those things. To me, that means a movie wasn't too good. Also it was too hard to take it seriously; it is not good to laugh at something that is clearly meant to be a serious and dramatic scene.
Do you like my review? If there is any other films you'd like me to review-all you have to do is PM me.