Hello everyone. Gosh it's been so long since I've submitted anything...

Anywhoo, I might as well let you know that this scene has been formatted to fit this oneshot. The original use of this scene was intended for my other fic MBR, but I thought it would make you all laugh, so I decided to also take the concept and model it into a oneshot for those who don't read that fic. This is set in the Canon VK world, just an uncanon concept.

(Trust me when I say that this and MBR are two different fics entirely. Trust me. The other is a pretty dark fic, and this is one of its few moments made for pure humor. It's turned out to thankfully be nothing like MBR.)

There are implied relationships, and assumed ones in this fic. Nothing solid, you'll just have to read it for the lulz. If you came for the fapz, then this fic doesn't have any. My other oneshots do, but if someone wants to see an actual yaoi of YagariXZero, then I might write one if I find the inspiration.

Warning: there is some OOC

Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Knight. The ever-amazing Matsuri Hino owns it all.


It was a rather curious event for Zero to be called down to the Chairman's office during class. Not that the event itself was what was curious,—he happened to be called out upon often—but it was the sheer nature of the calls that were always... interesting, to say the least. Usually, Kaien was the one to pull him out to inform him of something mundane, or ask for his assistance, or assign him a task sometimes dealt out from the hunter's Association, but this time, Yagari was the one to request his presence, right when he should have been teaching a class.

Zero wasn't sure what was so important that his ever dutiful master would shirk his responsibilities to have a discussion with him, but whatever it was must have been important. Upon reaching the correct door, he rapped lightly on the door twice as a formality, knowing that Yagari would be able to sense his vampire student standing in the hallway.

"Come in." the muffled command floated through the door.

"You wanted to see me, shishou?" Zero asked as he entered the Chairman's office.

Yagari was the only one there at the moment, sitting in his normal attire in a small chair against the wall, carefully polishing the single barrel of his rifle. Eyes and mind trained on his task at hand, he fingered the trigger to make sure that it wouldn't stick from any sort of grimy buildup that might have accumulated over time. He set the steel wool down and examined his handiwork, not glancing once at the younger hunter, who stood impatiently in the center of the room, waiting for the conversation to begin.

"First off, I just want to let you know that you aren't hiding anything." Yagari looked up with a knowing frown. "Sometimes, I wonder if you'd be able to hide it if your life depended on it."

Zero made a face. Touga was usually direct, so it was rather confusing to hear him speaking in riddles for once. An uneasy feeling crept down Zero's spine, and he was suddenly uncertain as to whether or not he wanted to have this conversation with his master, whatever it was going to be about.

"Just tell me, because I have no idea what you're trying to say."

"...Yeah, it's a bit awkward, but since Kaien turns a blind eye to this sort of lesson, I guess I'm the lucky bastard that gets to teach you." he sighed, reaching into his jacket pulling out the last thing Zero expected to see—

The box was a fair size, gray, with the word 'Magnum' displayed along the front.

"Bullets?" Zero questioned at first, but a shake of Yagari's head, the deep frown lines etched into his face, and the tinge of pink along the top hunter's cheeks said it all.

"You're seventeen, and you still haven't been taught about certain things. Trust me, I don't want to have to do this any more than you do, but..."

Realization hit in that instant. Lavender eyes wide, Zero hastened to cut the lesson short to save both of them further embarrassment.

"You can't be seriou—"

"THIS," Yagari held up a small square with a defining circle in the center. "is a condom. You use them for—"

"Shishou, please! I know what they're used for." Zero retorted, his face getting hot. "I'm not even doing those sorts of things yet!" he loosened his scarlet necktie further in discomfort.

"Good." Yagari said in a relieved tone, tossing the box to the young hunter. He turned Kaien's chair around, revealing an open, brown package. "'Yet,'"

"What's that?" he asked suspiciously.

"A sampler order." Yagari nearly smirked at the mortification on Zero's face as he started withdrawing different boxes and tossing them to him. "MagnumXL, Warm Sensations, ENZ Lubricated, Ultra Thin, Spermicidal, Ecstasy, Ribbed, Ultra Pleasure, Twister, Banana Flavored," he smirked at the next one "Fruit by the foot—"

"Would you stop reading out the labels!?" the younger hunter growled, juggling ten plus different boxes in his arms.

Zero looked left and right, to the windows and the door behind himself to make sure that there wasn't anyone else around to witness the embarrassment he was being subjected to.

"You'll find which one works for yourself and Yuuki." Yagari assured. "Like it or not, I'm still your master, and right now, you're in the middle of a lesson."

Zero's face was a begrudging scarlet at the mention of Yuuki's name, his mind drifting off into a fantasy world when Yagari's voice anchored him back to the awkward reality of the moment.

"You do know how to put them on, right?" the raven-haired hunter asked, already unwrapping one, a yellow tinted one from the banana box, without waiting for an answer, much to Zero's discomfort.

Making a fist in the air, he raised a single, gloved finger to place the latex sheath over. "Make sure the right side is up so you can roll it down, like so." he used two fingers to coax the latex down.

"Let's not do this and say we did, please." he asked, noting how Yagari ignored him.

"The bubble at the tip is a reservoir to catch the sperm." he continued, sounding almost like a documentary.

"We are not having this conversation." Zero pleaded to himself.

"Too late, we just did." Yagari pulled the condom from his fingers and opened one of Kaien's desk drawers. "And you're interrupting the demonstration. If you know so much about condoms, by all means, would you like to come over and demonstrate how the catch mechanism works?" he asked, searching the drawers.

"Not a chance!" he shuddered.

"Here," the raven-haired hunter threw a tube of hand lotion at Zero, forcing him to abandon half his load of boxes to catch, and keep the tube from hitting him in the face. "Demonstrate while I hold the condom."

"Only if you stop saying that word." Zero almost growled, complying with his master's directions only out of pure respect.

Flipping the cap back, the younger hunter looked down into the latex sheath, trying to keep from gagging as he squirted the lotion down into the reservoir. His nostrils flared as a strawberry scent filled the air around them, mixing with the scent of banana.

"So I suppose I should have coaxed Kaien into teaching you then? He probably would have attributed this," he made a hand motion of wafting the scent of strawberries and bananas to his nose. "To 'think of it as a smoothie, Kiryuu-kun.'"

"I suppose you're right." Zero allowed. "Although," his brows furrowed in disgust. "A smoothie?"

"It's Kaien, you should be used to his quirks by now." he shrugged, returning to the lesson. "The sperm is supposed to collect at the tip here, so it doesn't spill out and get your partner pregnant. The condom," Yagari ignored Zero's suppressed flinch. "is also supposed to protect against STI's, STD's, the whole nine yards."

"Okay, are we done?" Zero asked, dearly wishing for a positive response.

"Yes, we are." the raven-haired hunter confirmed, throwing the condom into a wastebasket near the Chairman's desk. "Just take the boxes I gave you... and... go... do condom things with them." Yagari shooed, lighting up a cigarette to unwind. "Kaien's going to kill me for smoking in his office..."

Yagari watched as Zero lined his pants and jacket pockets with the bulky condom boxes before turning the handle to the office door. He looked left, then right, then left again, feeling as if he were about to make a turn in a car, and ran off down the hall.

"Oh, Kiryuu-kun, Yagari was looking for—"

"I ALREADY SAW HIM!" Zero's voice cracked under stress and echoed in the hallway before the sound of racing footfalls faded with the young hunter.

Kaien emerged in the doorway, looking dazed and confused.

"What's wrong with Zero?" he asked Yagari, watching in disapproval as he took a long drag, holding it for a moment before sighing the smoke out in relief. "He was walking kind of funny, like he had a secret he wanted to hide, but was too embarrassed to admit."

"I just demonstrated the use of condoms to him."

It was Kaien's turn to look mortified as he strung all the clues together—Zero's panicked statement, his frustration, the way he walked funny, to Yagari's lighting a cigarette in his office, right down to the fruity scent in the air. The open bottle of hand lotion and open condom wrapper on the desk were only the ribbons to tie Kaien's fears together. He approached Yagari to question him, only to spot the confirmation—the obviously used condom, ejaculate still inside, in his otherwise empty wastebasket.

"YOU SLEPT WITH ZERO?!" Kaien tore through his vocal cords with the shout, unbuttoning his trench-coat and taking down his hair to open a can of whoopass on Yagari. "YOU DEFLOWERED MY SON!" his golden irises flashed dangerously as the glass in front of them was tossed aside.


"AND HOW DID YOU DO THAT?" Kaien demanded, seething?

"I took a condom and did this!" Yagari tore open another condom and made the fist, extending his finger once more to roll the banana-flavored latex over. "Then I demonstrated how the reservoir worked with your strawberry hand lotion!" he tried to demonstrate a second time, shoving the lotion-filled condom back onto his glove. "See? You can examine the other one too! The same lotion is on the inside!"

"Then why the hell did Zero look at me like an idiot when I passed him in the hall?!"

"I don't know! Probably because I said that you would probably attribute the smell to that of a smoothie!"

"You can't be serious." Kaien said incredulously. "What kind of sick, sexual smoothie is this?!" he motioned to the condoms. "I don't believe you! My precious son..."


"I think I came in on the wrong part of this conversation."

Both Kaien and Touga nearly got whiplash from how quickly they turned their heads to the doorway. Kaname stood, obviously uncomfortable, sienna eyes darting around for any escape.

"I'll just leave you two back to your shouting match."

"Kaname-kun! Perfect timing! You have an excellent sense of smell, do tell, has Touga really deflowered Zero?"

"What am I, your personal super sleuth now?" Kaname snorted. "He can't take what's not there." his eyes widened as he pressed his lips together, grimacing after a moment. "I think the night class is getting rowdy, I better go pacify them."

"The night class isn't in session yet." both hunters said in unison.

"Then I better see that they get to class on time, hmm, bye!"

The pureblood disappeared down the hall, leaving naught but awkwardness in his wake. Yagari finally looked to Kaien, grabbing his gun.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Some-bo-dy's in trou-ble." Kaien sang gently, looking for his sword.

"Still think I took Zero's ass-flower now?"

"Oh bite me."


That's like, what, the second time or so Kaien jumps to conclusions from me? I know, I'm terrible. haha.

For everyone who reads this that also reads my other fics, I will be continuing with all 5, just to let you know. I just took a reality-check break is all.

Reviews: Please, thank you, and I would love you forever.