food & fatcakes

In which many things are metaphors, and Freddie wakes Sam up when she's sleeping. "Is there going to be a pattern of you interrupting me when I'm doing something you shouldn't interrupt?"


"Is there going to be a fucking pattern of you interrupting me when I'm doing something you shouldn't interrupt? Because I'm gonna say right now, it will not end well for you."

"It's four in the morning, Sam. What exactly, were you doing that was so important?"

"..."

"Just sleeping, then?"

"Sleeping is really important to me! It's right up there on the list with food and Fatcakes!"

"Fatcakes are in a different part of the list then food?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I don't know, it just seems illogical."

"Well, sooorry, I didn't ask for your help while making my list of important things."

"What else in on your list?"

"I dunno. Things."
"Oh, wow. Now I know! That's so helpful, Sam."

"Glad I could be of assistance. But you better tell me why you woke me up, or I'm gonna give you the beating of your lifetime, boy."

"That's not super threatening when you're not here, I gotta tell you."
"Explain, nerdboy, before you're talking out of your ass."

"I... I just felt like I needed to talk to you."

"..."

"You're such an incredible loser."

"I know, I know."


".. Are you asleep?"

"No. You're freaking keeping me awake, with your annoying presence."

"Sorry. It's- it's kind of hard, being away from you all the time. I wanted to hear you."

"Ignoring the creepy aspect of that stalkerish apology, how about we agree that the next time you want to hear me, you do it when I'm not peacefully resting."

"Deal."

"... Are you asleep?"

"No."

"Good. You don't get to be asleep if I don't."

"Fair rules, I suppose."

"...I really, really want to go sleep, Freddork."

"Then... fall asleep?"

"I can't!"

"Count sheep."

"Why are you so lame?"

"Oh, I'm sorry that I can't help you fall asleep properly!"
"You're the one who woke me up!"

"... Well, I wanted to talk to you! Most girls would be flattered."

"I'm not most girls, Fredrickson."

"Obviously."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing! Nothing. It's just you're... different than any other girl I've met so far."

"Was that supposed to be an insult?"
"No, it's meant to be a compliment."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"You're pretty bad at giving compliments, Frederico."

"Always appreciate the build you give to my self esteem, Sam."

"Self esteem? What are you, a thirteen year old girl?"
"I'm not a girl!"

"Are you sure? For all we know, your mom wanted one a lot more then she said."
"So, what? She gave me a secret sex change and I just haven't noticed yet?"
"No. I'm saying she's probably got one planned for you."

"... No. No. NO. I mean, I don't think she's done that."

"I would ask, just to make sure."

"Yeah... yeah, maybe I will..."

"It's a true sign your mom is crazy that you actually believe me when I say she's probably planned out an undercover sex operation for you."

"At least she doesn't walk around in bikinis all day!"

"Yeah, that one really hurt. At least my mom doesn't still give me tick baths, and scrubs in all the places, when I'm seventeen!"

"Almost eighteen. And I TOLD you, she doesn't do that anymore!"

"..."

"She doesn't do it that much anymore!"

"That's what I thought."


"Hey. Are you still awake?"

"Hey. Yes, I am, because you woke me up, and now it's like, physically impossible for me to go back to sleep!"

"I was wondering something."

"..."

"Sam? Don't you want to know what I was wondering?"

"Not particularly."

"Sam!"

"Ugh, fine. Wonder away. Nub."

"You're a good friend."

"Damn right I am. Now tell me what you were wondering about."

"Do you miss me?"

"... Not at all."

"I miss you a lot."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Well, what am I supposed to say to that?"

"You're supposed to say oh, yes, Freddie, I miss you so much! I ache for you!"

"That sounds a little dirty. Ache. Ha, ache. Definitely dirty."

"Shut up, I was imitating you. Besides, how is ache dirty- oh. Yeah, it kind of is, actually."

"Told you."

"... So, when are you and Carly coming back from her grandfather's?"

"First, don't say grandfather. Makes you sound like a loser. Not that you don't all the time anyway. Second, I don't know. Soon? Do you expect me to memorize Carly's travel schedule? I'm not you, Fredweird."

"Grandfather? Really? That's a perfectly not nerdy thing to say! And hey, I don't memorize her schedules! I don't even like her anymore. She has a boyfriend. Did you forget about David?"

"Her having a boyfriend never stopped you before."

"Yeah, but I grew out of that stupid, I'm in love with Carly, stage. And no, this is her first really steady boyfriend."

"Steady? What is this, the eighteenth century? And really? When did you grow out of it?"

"Sam! I told you! I told you on the exact day I realized I didn't like her anymore."

"Did you think I would like, write it down or something? I don't remember you ever telling me. I just assumed you decided to shut up about it because David is so much taller and stronger than you."

"He's not that much stronger. Or taller. I'm average height, Sam. Average. Normal. Something you aren't. But how don't you remember? You laughed and then pushed me off my chair, saying, 'I was starting to think you were going to go pro on this stalker thing'."

"Average for females, maybe. You know what I find creepy? You remember the day, and the exact wording of what I said, while I didn't remember that you had even had this epiphany."

"AVERAGE FOR MALES, SAM! And you should remember! It's not creepy. Carly remembers!"

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Fredderoo. Plus, Carly only remembers because she was so relieved she wasn't going to end up having to fill out a restraining order on you."

"She was never going to fill out a restraining order... was she?"

"She had already gotten the forms."


"So, what are you guys up to, down in good old Yakima?"

"Well, Carly's having fun visiting colleges and her grandparents... but for me, it's pretty boring."

"No looking at colleges for you? I thought you were applying to places."
"Yeah, but sure as hell not in Yakima. Yakima. See, even the name is nubbish."

"It is a pretty nubbish name."

"What about you? Berkley hasn't responded, right? I mean, you would have said something to us."

"No, it's still a few weeks until I get the letter. If I get the letter. But I don't know... I'm kinda having second thoughts. Like maybe I want to stick around Seattle."

"I thought Berkley was your dream."

"Yeah... dreams change, though."

"...Hmm. Getting a little too deep there, Fredloser. Stay here or not, you'll always be a nerd."
"Thanks. That really helps with the decision."

"Anytime."


"Have you spoken to Tommy lately?"

"You mean my now-in-jail ex boyfriend Tommy?"
"That's the one."
"Considering I don't really frequent the joint- well, not that often anyway, no, I can't say I've stopped by to see him. Why?"

"Just wondering."

"... No, seriously, why?"

"I just wanted to know, Sam. Can't I ask you questions? You're one of my best friends."

"It's still kind of weird you asked."

"Why is it weird?"
"I don't know. You're the one making it weird!"

"You're the one making it weird!"

"Your face is the one making it weird!"
"...That was really immature, Sam."

"Wrong. Saying 'what starts with f and ends with uck? Fire truck!' is immature. Your face is just funny."

"It doesn't even make sense!"

"No, saying, in the pants, after everything doesn't make sense, Mr. I thought I was being really funny but actually all the tenth grade girls hated me for like three months. Your face always makes sense."

"Hey, in the pants is a classic joke! It's timeless, and it only gets better with age."

"It was even worse when you started saying it in Spanish..."

"Okay, you know what, this conversation is ending."

"I swear, I was gonna have nightmares about you saying 'pantalones' over and over and over."

"...You're a terrible person."

"Oh, you enjoy it. Keeps you on your toes."

"I lied, I didn't miss you at all."

"Yeah, you did."

"Dammit."


"Are you sure you don't know when you guys are coming back?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Call Carly and ask her if you want."

"It's now... Four-forty six in the morning. I'm not calling Carly."

"You called me at four in the morning!"

"That's different."

"Name one way it's different."

"It's different because. Because... Well, I knew you would answer."

"What's that supposed to mean??"

"It just means that I call you at a lot of weird times, but you always... I don't know, come through for me."

"..."

"Wow. That was exceptionally girly of you."

"I just said something really meaningful to you, Sam, and you can't even pretend to be flattered? Or at least not totally pissed about it?"
"Don't get your panties in a twist, Benson. Chill."

"I will not CHI- maybe I do need to chill."

"I was just trying to offer you some good advice."

"Well... thanks. I guess."

"Oh, see, and you talk about me not being sincere."
"I didn't think you even knew what sincere meant."
"Okay, I'm hanging up!"

"..."

"Sam? You still there?"

"Yeah. I'm still here."


"How's Seattle?"

"Eh."

"Eh? Seriously? Look, this isn't the Canadian Olympics, don't say eh."

"I just mean it's boring!"

"I can see why. Without me and Carly there, who's dealing with your dorkish tendencies?"

"I have other friends besides you guys."

"Name ten."

"Gibby! Gibby and me are bros."

"I said name ten, not one. But then again, I always knew you weren't as smart as you pretended to be."

"Shut up, Sam. Gibby, and Shane, and Germy-"

"Germy? That kid hasn't died of too many colds yet?"

"Nope. You'd think he would have... so many consecutive illnesses..."

"Yeah... anyway, keep naming, boy. I've only heard three and I asked for ten."

"Wendy, and-"

"You were hanging out with Wendy?"

"Yeah. Why? Your voice just got kinda weird."
"No it didn't."

"Pretty sure it did."

"So, you and Wendy, hmm?"

"Oh, no. We're not flirting or anything, she just gave me the history notes I missed, and we've sat at the same table at lunch a few times."

"She gave you the history notes, did she?"

"Don't do that thing where you make it sound all suggestive! I can almost see you raising your eyebrow and winking right now."

"What can I say? I'm expert at sleazy things."

"Yeah, a fact your past boyfriends can account for."

"..."

"Sam?"

"..."

"Aww, Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."
"..."

"I don't think you're slutty or anything, it was just one of those you know, jokes that people make. And I know, I'm a terrible joke maker, you've told me that many times."

"..."

"Sam??"

"I'm really sorry."

"... honk- shooo, honk-shooo..."

"Are you sleeping??"

"...honk-shoo.."

"Oh. Okay then. I'll just... er, I don't know. Sit here until you wake up? Though knowing you, that could be never."
"...honk-shooo..."

"...."

"..honk-shoo..."

"..."

"BOO!"
"AHHH!"


"God, SAM!!"

"You scream like a little girl. I guess puberty hasn't helped you in that aspect."

"Why? Why would you do something like that?"

"Because I can."

"... I should have known. Your fake snoring isn't that good."
"What? Take it back!"
"Take what back??"
"My fake snoring is awesome! You're just jealous because yours isn't as good."
"Oh, yeah, I'm jealous my fake snoring isn't as top notch as yours."
"Top notch? If you ever wonder why I make fun of you, there's one of your examples."
"Top notch is not a weird thing to say!"

"It's pretty dorky."
"It's not like I said twenty-three skidoo or something!"
"Ha. Twenty-three skidoo. Now that would have been dorky."

"So you admit top notch isn't a strange thing to say?"
"No, I admit it's not as weird as twenty-three skidoo."

"... I never get anywhere with you."
"By the way, nice apology."
"For what?"
"For calling me skanky."
"I never called y- Okay, I never meant to call you skanky!"

"I'm just saying. I wasn't really asleep. And it was pretty heartfelt."
"So? I felt bad about it."

"Uh-huh."

"What??"
"Nothing."


"Sam?"

"Mhm-hm."

"You didn't break up with that Tyler guy yet, did you?"

"Yeah, actually I did. Broke up with him... maybe a week and a half ago. We were here, so I didn't get around to telling you. "

"What??"

"Whoa. Calm yourself. Why?"

"Because, because- Oh, no. I'm gonna get killed."
"Explain, Benson."
"Well, see. Look, don't get mad. But around last week, Tyler was bragging that he had gotten some play with this chick named Amber."

"Gotten some play? Um, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air called, he wants his lingo back."

"...Wow. That was... impressive."
"Thank you. Anyway, what were you saying? About that slutty girl, Amber?"

"Yeah. Well, he was telling all his friends about it, and I thought he had been cheating on you..."

"Oh, god. Did you do something, like, brave and try and fight him?"
"Funny, Sam. No, I didn't, I'm more into the smart and hilarious pranks that get back at him."
"Let me guess: you asked Spencer for help and he gave you his paintball gun."
"Possibly."

"Yeah, that's surprising. Hopefully you're better at aiming than he is."

"I am. I got Tyler five times before he went completely down, in front of everybody in the cafeteria and in the process, Gibby dumped soup all over his head, while Shane videotaped the whole thing."

"Whoa. That's... very extensive of you. Almost up to the standards of some of my pranks. Almost."

"Well, I learned from the best."

"There really is no one better then me. But, Freddie, he's going to murder you. Did you think this thing out, at all? Aren't you supposed to be the logical one?"

"I know! But I just got really, really mad when I heard he was cheating on you. I wasn't thinking, just doing."

"... That's what she said."
"Wow. Really? Kind of thought we were having a moment."

"That was sorta nice of you."

"Sorta? I was defending your honor!"
"Well, you really don't need to. I can handle myself."
"I know. I think everyone knows you can take care of yourself. I just wanted to... I don't know. Protect you."

"..."

"Thanks."

"No problem."


"Hey, Freddie?"

"Yeah?"
"Anytime you need a favor- maybe you need someone to disappear, need to hide a body... I guess I owe you now. So, just uh, just ask."
"I don't think I'll be needing to hide a body anytime soon."
"Probably not. But hey, if the situation calls for it... you gotta do what you gotta do."
"Words of wisdom."

"Aren't they?"
"Thanks, Sam. I'm sure I'll owe you soon enough."
"It does tend to swing that way."

"I'm not the luckiest leprechaun next to the rainbow, am I?"
"I would answer, but I'm too stunned from the use of the words, luckiest leprechaun, in that sentence."

"It's a legitimate saying!"

"Who else says that?"
"My-"

"Your mom doesn't count."

"... Never mind, then."


"I'm gonna fall asleep soon, just so you know."
"Yeah, I'm beat too."

"Beat?"

"Sam. Stop. You don't have an hour to make fun of me for that."
"That's true. When I get back, though..."
"I know. I'll remind you."
"Thanks."

"Sam?"

"Mhmm?"

"There was a reason for me calling."

"What was it?"

"I wanted- I wanted to tell you something."
"... Are you going to?"
"I don't know now."
"Okay, then."
"I think I'm too scared."
"What do you want to tell me, Fredward?"
"I think I'm... I think I'm almost definitely, positively, in-"
"Hurry it up, we don't have all day. I've got ten minutes until Carly's grandparents come in, and I kind of want to get maybe a second of sleep."

"I- I, I'm, I, I am in-."

"Nice stuttering."

"Never mind."

"What? No! Now I want to know!"

"Ha... believe me, Sam. You don't want to know. I was just going to tell you-"

"Oh, frick, there's the door slam! Hold on, don't hang up."


"I'm back. Sorry, thought they were coming in."

"That's okay."

"...So?"

"So what?"
"Are you going to tell me?"
"I thought you'd forgotten."

"I never forget things."

"Neither do elephants."
"Are you calling me an elephant??"
"NO!"

"Uh-huh. Oh, you are so getting beat up when I get back."


"Hey, Sam?"

"Frederica."

"Were you serious?"

"When?"

"When you said you didn't miss me."

"..."

"Sam?"

"Fine, Freddie. I missed you."

"... Cool. I missed you too. That's, uh. That's all I wanted to say."

"I'm gonna go to sleep now, okay?"
"Kay. Bye, Puckett."

"Bye, Benson."


later, by himself, after she's hung up and no one in the world could possibly hear him:

"... I just wanted to say I'm in love with you."


hope you guys liked it! by the way, if anyone can guess the Scrubs or Psych references in this, I will personally give you an appletini or a pineapple.