This is what happens when I'm bored, all sort of stories began to form in my head. I have no idea where this one came from.
Don't own anything.
'True love can't exist without friendship.' Drell, Sabrina the teenage witch, season 1, episode the kiss.
For all those times you stood by me,
For all the truth that you made me see,
For all the joy you brought to my life,
For all the wrong that you made right
She can't remember the first time she ran away from home ( two year olds generally don't remember much); and the reason is also a mystery ( she's heard the story, she can guess, but the truth is she doesn't know). Two year olds don't generally run away from home, but then again she's never been a normal child.
She doesn't remember what happened, and yet she knows it at the same time ( her mom told her once), they'd been fighting ( not that that wasn't normal), Charlie and Renee that is, screaming. The reason for the fight is forgotten in time, like so many other things, and in the end it doesn't really matter why they fought, just that they did. The screaming had frightened her ( at least that's what her mother assumed), and she had run out of the open front door ( finding out who had left the door open had been the basis for yet another fight), it doesn't matter who left it open, just that it was.
She had turned to the right (not that she thinks that her two year old self had payed much attention to the world) and ran. According to the story she was later told her parent's had panicked, and called everyone they knew. She was eventually found by Billy, who took her home and let her play in his house. She doesn't remember any of this of course ( she was just two at the time), but she thinks she probably would have liked it better there than at her own house.
Her mother ( impulsive as always ) had packed their stuff the next day, left Charlie a letter and left Forks. She figured that if their fighting ( the screaming, the insults, the fights) made a two year old run away in fear that perhaps it was time to cut their losses. They could never make it work, they loved each other ( Renee was sure they still did), but they were to different to live together.
She doesn't remember the first time she ran away from home, but it marked the rest of her life. (it made her mother run away to).
Children make friends easily, at least it's what her mother told her on her first day of kindergarten ( or she thinks that's what her mother told her, she could have heard it somewhere else), she told her not to worry, because kid's make friends easily, she'll be fine. What her mother didn't tell her was that children were also cruel, especially to those that were different from them. And Bella was always different, while others found their entertainment outside in games ( she's always been a klutz, she prefers not to fall down and hurt herself) she was always hiding in a corner.
She was eight when she discovered the magic of books, the alternate universes, tales that took her far away from the world she lived in. Story's that introduced her to magic, and kingdoms and flying children. There were little girls in attics, and secret gardens, and world's hidden in wardrobes. There were little girls who fell into rabbit holes, or kids that flew to Neverland. These worlds brought her a way to escape the reality of her world, away from taunting children, away from her mom's boyfriends, away from anything she's ever known.
They bring her perfect worlds that she can imagine and yet at the same time she can't. She's trying to escape a world that is not so perfect; so she finds herself drawn into every single story she can find. She knows that someday the illusion will shatter, the story will become just that stories, and someday nothing will matter anymore. But until that day she'll read them, because they bring her comfort.
Someday she'll find a world she's been looking for, a perfect world that will rbing her nothing than happiness.
Eventually the illusion shatters, the stories become nothing more than words on paper. There's no more magic, no more escaping. Wonderland becomes a dream ( an almost forgotten reality); Neverland ceases to exist the day she grows up (after all it's just for the kids that never do) and Narnia becomes nothing else than a fantasy ( the wardrobe is just a wardrobe after all). But the world around her doesn't change, she's still different from anyone else; she quickly discovers that if children are cruel teenagers are even more so. Her classmates ( especially the girls) couldn't understand why she preferred to read stories about other worlds, instead of gossiping about this one, or going out.
They thinks she's strange, but she guesses that's alright because she is.
She can't remember Jake as a kid and she's pretty sure he doesn't remember her either, and it isn't for a lack of trying. Sometimes she thinks she almost can, but she's never quite sure, and it doesn't really matter anyway. She couldn't remember Billy when her dad mentioned him, but once she saw him he was part of her live again ( past and present, and at that moment she thought, the future as well), she remembers his daughter's as well (thought the memories are kind of vague), but not Jake, never Jake. She thinks this might be because he was so much more younger than her, or because it never really mattered anyway.
Sometimes she thinks she does remember him, or at least the essence of him. She remembers fragments, little things, like mud fights and fishing tools, horror stories and camp fires. And she thinks they must be about Jake, because who else would start a mud fight? But still it's not like it matters, because they weren't them back then, just two small children playing silly games to pass the time. Like those friends you make at the beach ( when you're all alone) and play with for the day, and when you leave at night you say goodbye and maybe we'll see each other again, but you never do and the memory fades over time.
Bella can't actually remember Jake as a kid ( not really ) and that's okay, because then they weren't best friends, they probably weren't even friends. Just two kids who saw each other once a year and played together ( maybe ). Kind of like childhood friendships, that you think will last forever, but they never do ( odds are that ten years later you won't even remember each other).
They don't remember each other as children, and that's okay.
She does remember someone else from that time ( though she's not sure why she remembers this person specifically and not the others), it's weird and logical at the same time, and that doesn't actually makes sense, but then again not much does. There's nothing special that makes her stand out, and she never saw much of her either, but she remembers her because it all ended. Sarah Black was the first person close to her ( or at least close enough) to actually die, and that made all the difference in the world. It made mortality real and dangerous and frightening, because in books only the bad ones die.
Still she doesn't know if she actually remembers Sarah, or if she's made her up from stories and pictures she's seen. She thinks she does remember her, but it might be one memory, or different fragments mashed together to create one, but it's not like it matters. She remembers she was nice, and beautiful and always looking out for her. She used to look at Sarah and think 'this is exactly what the heroin in a storybook would look like, would act like.' Beautiful and kind, this is who she wanted to be when she grew up ( because she was the heroin in her own story).
A story that ended suddenly, without warning, and Bella looks at what is left behind and thinks 'this is who I want to be when I grow up, beautiful and kind, like a heroin in her own storybook.' Not death, no ending like this, Bella thinks this might be the moment she began to fear dying, leaving the world behind.
'I'm going to fight for you until your heart stops beating.'
He says it like it's the most natural and normal thing in the world, like there's actually somewhere out there that wants to fight for her. The words make her cringe, they create images that make her weak, that tear her apart, and make her doubt what to do next. She can't look him in the eye, can't show that she's struggling to find meaning, to find something that makes her choice right. Because he'll seize the opportunity and keep talking, until she remembers something else. She doesn't want to hear it, she doesn't want to know, she wants to remain in another world, run away from the reality.
She's never been a dreamer, she used to read story's, but she never dreamed much. So when Edward says that she'll lose everything she's ever dreamt of doing, but she never had dreams, so how can she lose them? She prefers not to think of her family or her friends, she prefers not to think of the almost and the what if's, they'll only make it more confusing, they'll only make her doubt. She doesn't think of the future, and kids and grandkids, because she's just eighteen and who thinks of that at this age? She doesn't want to think of the future and what she'll lose, because she'll have Edward and in the end that's all she needs.
But when Jake says those words it shatters her resolve, it makes her see the things she'd rather forget. Until her heart stops beating, and she remembers she's actually afraid of death, and she can still remember the day Sarah's body was lowered into the ground ( she couldn't phantom how a woman so full of live could live forever in such a small space) and she though that's not what I want to be when I grow up, that's not what I want to know. Jake's words make her realize that in the end immortality and forever won't mean a thing, because she won't have a heart that beats, not anymore.
He says until, and that's perhaps the worst of it all, because it signifies an ending. One day he'll stop fighting, one day her hearth will stop beating, one day he'll be gone but she'll still be there. Someday she'll find that there's nobody left, nobody that remembers, nobody that cries for her, nobody that fights for her.
She'll still be there, not death but not quite alive either; forever with a frozen heart.
Love ( she thinks ) is a four letter word, and she's never quite been able to grasp the meaning of it. She looked it up in a dictionary once ( love is to like another adult very much and be romantically and sexually attracted to them or to have strong feelings of liking a friend or a person in your family), but even that is not helpful because it doesn't actually explain any of it. Someone once told her ( it had been a school psychiatrist, but who the hell cares ), that this has something to do with the divorce of her parents and such a young age, and that she has trouble understanding love because she's never actually seen it.
Edward's love for her is even harder to comprehend, because she's not quite sure why he loves her. There's nothing special about her, she can't find in the mirror what he sees in her, and it's simply not alright. There's no reasoning behind his love, and when she asks him why he loves her, he begins an entire explanation about how great she is and how beautiful, but that doesn't explain anything to her and in the end she simply pretends to understand. But the truth is she doesn't.
But when Jake says 'I'm in love with you', it's the most natural thing ever, and she has no trouble believing he loves her or understanding his love for her. Because she can feel it, she can see it, every time he's close to her. She can see it in his eyes, feel it in his hugs, in the way he acts around her. She doesn't have trouble with his love, but she still doesn't quite understand the meaning of love in general, Jake's love is just easy to understand and accept.
When Jake takes her hands and says 'I'm in love with you', it's clearer, and more truthful, and more beautiful than anytime Edward has told her he loves her. Because she actually believes him.
I love you. Three words. Eight letters. It should be easy to say, there are words out there that are harder to pronounce. But this one almost kills her. I love you. Easy to think, easy to write and yet she can't say it out loud, because she doesn't know if she does.
'I want you to pick me instead of him.'
The illusions of other universes shattered, but her love for books remained. It brought her different worlds, different story's, different characters. She loves reading Romance, because it makes her forget everything else ( like those other universes once did). She's never actually been a great fan of 'Romeo and Juliet', in fact this story doesn't begin to domineer her mind until Edward makes it important, until he makes it a part of their story. The stories she thinks of are Robin Hood, and 'Little women' and even 'a walk to remember'. The stories always end tragically, but the love is real and in a way that's enough.
It's those stories, the opposite of what fairy tales are (seeing as there are no happy endings) that make her believe. The thought that even despite the tragic ending (whether they know it comes or not) they can find a way to love each other is both beautiful and great. In a way she guesses that's also why she liked those alternate universes so much, because deep down she knew the characters could never stay there, and that made it all the more fascinating and beautiful.
No matter which story she loves or reads, the prince is never like Edward. He never manipulates, never makes her do things she doesn't want to, never gets his sister to babysit her. Never forbids her to see the person's she wants to, never leaver he alone in the cold dark woods. They're more like Jake, she thinks, kind and strong. A prince that let's her make her own choices, her own mistakes, who still understands and loves her in the end.
He just stands there, takes her hands, and says 'I want you to pick me instead of him.'
Simple, clear and heartbreaking at the same time.
True love is when two people know each other imperfections, limitations and flaws, and still accept each other without hesitation, without hoping for any change.
'You wouldn't have to change for me, Bella.'
It's just one sentence, one simple sentence, and yet it shatters everything she believes in. It destroys the reasoning behind her choice, her resolve, and it leaves her with nothing. It makes her think, it makes her feel, and she's angry but not at Jake at Edward, at herself. She thinks (she knows) she needs to change for him (he wants her to), it's the only way he'll be able to love her, the only way he can be close to her without wanting to kill her, love her without hurting her, and yet he doesn't actually know her, so how can he be sure he loves her? He wants her to change for him, but he'll stay the same forever, because he wants her to become the persons he wants her to be, the person she is in his mind, the person she isn't in reality.
Jake is easier, simpler, acceptable. He doesn't try to change her, he doesn't need her to, he loves her just the way she is. He knows she's not perfect, but that's okay, because neither is he, and that's what love is all about. He wants her just the way she is, flaws and all, doesn't need her to change for him. She doesn't have to pretend, no need to become someone else for him to be able to love her. He loves her, not because she is perfect, but in spite of the fact that she is not, but neither is he, in the end no one is perfect and that's okay. He wants her the way she is, the way she is supposed to be.
He loves her, not who he wants her to be, and she doesn't need him to change either.
They're not perfect, nobody is.
Love can't exist without friendship.
That's just the way it is, true love is based on mutual understanding and respect, knowledge of each other. It grows out of a strong friendship, because you can't have love without friendship. But Edward doesn't know her, he doesn't know her at all; and at the same time he's never actually bothered to try and figure her out. It's not like it matters; he's made up his mind of who she is (of who he wants her to be) and he doesn't need to know anything else. He doesn't know the girl that made mud fights, and reads books to escape realities. He doesn't know the girl that read about alternate realities and believed in magic, he never actually tried to know her.
Because it wasn't her, not in his eyes, not his friend just his love. She thinks he doesn't respect her much either, because if he did he would let her make her own choices, her own decisions, her own mistakes. He doesn't know her, he's not her friend.
Jake knows everything about her, he was her friend first, before anything else. He doesn't mold her into someone she's not, he knows everything about her, from the little girl who ran away from home, to the girl who read books and the one who sat in his garage. He knows the simple little things about her, and that's what makes it true love, it turns it into reality not just a fantasy. He knows her, he respects her, her feelings, her decisions and her mistakes. He's her best friend and that's why she loves him.
You can't have true love without friendship. There's just no other way.
There's nothing special about the moment, the earth doesn't stop moving, time doesn't slow down either. There are no grand explanations. She simply turns the page of the books she's reading and she knows.
Nothing changes, there's no earth shattering resolution, just the simple knowledge. The reality of it all, it changes nothing and everything at the same time. There are no words of wisdom, just a book and an old song on the radio, and she knows. She just hears a sentence and everything around her becomes clear.
'I'm everything I am, because you loved me.'
And it's truth, she wouldn't be this strong wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for Jake. She's everything she is, every feeling every decision, because Jake choose to love her. It's simple and clear and she knows in that moment, that she loves him as well, that it's him she wants.
There's noting special about the moment, she simply knows it.
Later she finds an old picture, hidden between long forgotten stuff. The smiling faces of Sarah and Billy Black look at her, and she feels the warmth radiate from them, even if it is just a piece of paper. And she thinks it's not really about Edward and jake (and at the same time it is), but it's also about live and death. She remembers watching Sarah's body being lowered down and thinking 'I never want to die, I want to live forever'. (forever frozen in the same body, with no beating heart. Does that make her alive or dead?).
But at the same time she remembers the aftermath. The pain in Billy's eyes never disappears, sometimes she can see the longing in Jake's eyes ( as he sees another mother with her children, as he watches old pictures of his mom) and more recently the image of Leah and Seth heartbroken. The pain never fades away, and if she dies ( if she becomes one of them), Charlie and Renee will hurt forever. Not to mention Jake and her friends, and maybe on some level even the rest of the pack.
She's afraid to die, but the death are person's who's hearth's have stopped beating.
She wants to live, no matter how hard live will turn out to be.
There are no great love declarations, no explanations either. There's just Jake and Bells, just like they always were and like they always will be. He's in his room, sitting on his bed, and he almost looks as if he's been expecting her to come, as if he knew. He doesn't ask questions and she doesn't say anything either, but in some way he already knows, like he always does.
There's nothing special about it, she sits down and leans her head against his shoulder. And he pulls her closer and hugs her, and they simply become one. They're together, just in each other's arms, and yet in a way that simple moment is more important, more emotional than any moment she's ever shared with Edward.
There's noting special about it in the end, the earth doesn't stop moving, time doesn't slow down.
It's just Jake and Bells together and that's what makes it special.
'You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they are not.' Jodi picoult.