More spontaneous crack- this time, with the added bonus of being thought of and written two hours after I was supposed to be asleep, so it's half-awake crack! Rejoice!

--

Ise Nanao sighed, glancing at the occupants of the cafeteria with a faint scowl. Beside her, Kotetsu Kiyone spared a glance in her direction.

"Is something wrong, Lieutenant Ise?"

Nanao's lips curled into an even tighter frown. "Nothing in particular," she said, eyebrows drawing together, "but is it just me, or..."

Kiyone looked inquiringly at her. "Or what?"

"Or are all of the good men taken by other men?"

Kiyone blinked. "I never really thought about it...."

Nanao leaned backwards with a puff of breath escaping her lips, sweeping a stray lock of hair back behind her ear where it belonged. "I mean, I know that as Shinigami, we live long enough that pretty much every last one of us stops caring about sexual orientation and just goes for whatever's friendliest, so to speak, but..." she let out a frustrated growl. "But this is just ridiculous!"

Kiyone thought carefully. "Well, let's see... I guess it depends on what you count as a 'good man'."

Nanao gestured vaguely. "You know... The good men. The ones every girl in Soul Society has thought about once or twice."

"Like, third seat and up?"

"...If you want to oversimplify, yes."

Kiyone nodded. ";Let's see.... Well, there's Kuchiki-taichou and Renji, obviously. And of course my captain and yours; they've been an item for like, the last century or something..."

"And Hisagi's dating Yumichika."

"Hisagi Shuuhei? No way- he had like, a mega-boner for Matsumoto, didn't he?"

"Well, Yumichika, in all his fabulous glory, managed to get him to switch teams."

"Well I'll be damned." Kiyone thought for another few moments. "Isn't that like, it, though? That's not so many."

"It wouldn't be if you stopped there," Nanao agreed, taking an almost-forgotten glass of green tea off the table. "But I talked to Matsumoto, and she said that two of those ryoka boys are knocking boots, too. The substitute and that nerdy Quincy kid, if I remember."

"You mean that Ichigo boy? I though for sure he was with Kuchiki-san."

"Nah, she's dating that hobo she brought back from Hueco Mundo."

Kiyone pursed her eyebrows. "Is that why I see them together so often? I never even thought that..." she trailed off uselessly, and then shrugged. "But hey, I wouldn't call him a hobo anymore- you probably only saw him when she first brought him back. But now that he gets the chance to bathe on a regular basis? That man is ho-ot~!" she sang, as if dragging out the word would help get her point across. "But anyway, if what you say is true, then that's one guy whose at least straight. And I don't think Kira is dating anyone at all!"

"True. And Hitsugaya's too young to date anyone."

"And when he's not, Matsumoto will be all over that, I can tell."

"I though Matsumoto was still all hung up over Gin?"

"Well, I heard so many things about that guy I just stopped believing any of it. That he was with Matsumoto, that he was with Kira, that he was with Aizen; even something about molesting Captain Hitsugaya!"

"I suppose you really can't take any of them at face value..."

"Exactly."

There was a comfortable silence. Nanao finished her tea.

"I even heard things about the former captains, you know. You know, from that incident a hundred years ago?"

"The one it turned out Aizen was responsible for all along?"

"Yeah, that one."

A brief silence.

"Well, what did you hear?"

"That Urahara and Hirako have taken up together."

"...Oh."

"Yep."

"...Think there's any truth to it?"

"I haven't seen either of them in a century, and I didn't actually know them back then. So. No idea."

"Same here."

Another silence.

"Hey- you said Yumichika's with Hisagi?"

"Yeah?"

"Then how come I heard he had a thing with Ikkaku?"

"I figured that was just speculation because Ayasegawa's such an obvious fairy and those two are best friends."

"Oh. That makes sense."

More silence.

"So... You wanna hit on Lieutenant Kira just to see what he does?"

Nanao thought for a moment.

"What the hell; sure, why not?"