"No, no, no, stop it," B says around a bunch of fuckin girly ass giggles. I look over from my spot on the floor and I can't stop my eyes from formin a glare. She's sitting in the cro-mag's lap and he's lightly tickling her ribs with one hand, and she's squirming around. Fuckin barf. If I have to sit through an hour and a half of this I might go all evil again. It's not like I don't like seeing Buffy happy, 'cause I do, but this is supposed to be a scooby movie night, and there's no fuckin way that douche-bag is a scooby.
"Tryin to watch the movie guys," I say and shove a handful of popcorn in my mouth. They quiet down a little bit but they don't stop completely. This is how it's been for the last month. B met this guy, Marcus, while she was on patrol. She saved him from a pack of vamps but he didn't just run off like most people do, and he wouldn't accept the whole 'gang members on PCP' bit either. So they went out for coffee, she explained a few things, he asked her out on a real date, and they've been like love-sick teenagers ever since.
"I'm not going to stop 'til you say it," the cro-mag says and I can't help but roll my eyes. Don't get me wrong, Marcus isn't stupid. He's got two Ph.D.'s and has a high payin job and all that shit, but this guy looks more like a caveman than Angel did. Angel was an old ass vamp so that's something at least, but what's this guy's excuse? I glance over at him out of the corner of my eye and as soon as I see them my eyes roll. He's still tickling her a little, her hand is wrapped around his fingers but she's not really trying to stop him or his fingers would be broken. He's also blowin on her ear. Her ears are super sensitive and she's trying pretty hard not to squeal.
How do I know all of this about B? Well in the two years since Sunnydale went ka-boom we've become really close friends. Like, really, really close. And what do really, really close friends do? That's right kids, they tell each other everything. Well, B tells me everything, but I keep some things to myself. Like how I think her boyfriend should be put on display at the zoo next to the chimps to visually show evolution is real. Yeah, I think I made a good choice keepin that to myself 'cause B still has some anger issues and one hell of a right hook.
"Ok, ok, I'll say it: you're hotter than Johnny Depp." And there goes my fuckin appetite. It's a shame 'cause I have a pretty good spread of junk food I was really looking forward to eating. She giggles again and then I hear the light smack of a kiss. I seriously think I might puke, and I already ate a lot of green and red gummy-bears, so I really don't want that to happen. I glance around at the other scoobs and they're blissfully unaware of the gag fest that's happening on the couch. They don't have slayer hearing and I kinda hate them for it.
"Seriously, B, I'm trying to watch this," I say, sounding a little more agitated than before. Willow's sitting next to me and she gives me a weird look. I know exactly what the look means but I ignore it. When Kennedy and Xander's girl, Chloe, aren't out on a secret mission they act pretty much the same way on movie night. I never say a word about it either but their girlfriends aren't annoying, know-it-all cro-mags. Well, Ken's a know-it-all, but she's hot so I let it slide.
"You don't even like this movie. You voted against it than complained for fifteen minutes when you lost," she says sounding a little defensive. Ok, so more than a little. It's no secret that when shit starts to go down between me and B we go from zero to a hundred in six seconds flat. I'm pretty much asking for a fight right now, but I don't care as long as it breaks up the love fest between her and Marcus.
"Yeah, and you're the one who wanted to watch a gay pirate movie that was made for little kids. So why don't you pay attention?" Oh yeah, I'm just asking for that right hook to the face. It's not like I got anywhere to be tomorrow so I can take it. I'm not only irritated because of that douche-bag on the couch, but I can only take so much of her bad fuckin taste in movies. Next she's gonna wanna watch Harry Potter or some retarded chick flick. I wanna watch a fuckin classic, the original 1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and I get dissed on for 'not getting enough violence during patrol'.
"Wow, Faith, if I knew you were going to act like this big of a baby for not getting your way I would've let you watch your stupid horror movie, but no one else wanted to watch it either." Ok so she kinda has a point, but that doesn't matter now. I'm in a foul mood, and I have been since this morning so logic doesn't count. It's all the cro-mag's fault too. He stopped by for breakfast and ate the last of my cereal. The box had big bold letters: Faith's – eat and die. I guess B told him I wouldn't care 'cause there was only half a bowl left. Well I did fucking care.
And another thing that bugs me, why is he always hanging around here? Why can't they go over to his place and gross out his roommates for a while? If I didn't know any better I'd think he's doing this shit on purpose. Him spending the night every once in a while bugs me too. They haven't had sex. I know that 'cause B would've told me if they did, and our bedrooms share a wall so I would've heard it. Even if I wasn't a slayer I'd still have ears like a wolf. I look over at her to deliver my comeback but what I see makes my skin crawl. Marcus is gently rubbing his hands up and down her arms trying to calm her down. Why can't he just mind his own fucking business?
"Ya know what B, you guys enjoy your gay pirate movie and I'll go watch the grownup movies upstairs." Take that, ya fuckin bitch. It takes me exactly a minute and fourteen seconds to gather up all my junk food so my exit isn't as dramatic as I thought it was going to be. Xander, Willow and Dawn are looking at me like I grew a second head, but I could care less. Ok, that's a lie. I do care, and I feel like a jackass for makin a big scene on the one night we get to just chill out and relax together. It isn't completely uncalled for though, and I have my reasons for being so pissy.
I storm up to my room like a five-year-old drama queen and throw all of the stuff that barely passes for food on the little couch that Buffy said would look good in here. I practically slam my body down on my bed and stare up at the ceiling. I know I'm acting like some angsty teenager or whatever, but everything was going fine until that douche-bag came along. I honestly don't know what the fuck she sees in him. She's just doing the same shit she did with Riley back in the day; trying to be normal by finding a normal, all-American guy. Yeah, that worked out so well last time.
Anyway, back to the point: movie night is a scooby thing, and he shouldn't be here. B and I always sit on the couch together and eat a lot of junk food and mock whatever movie we're watching. Except for Casablanca 'cause that movie's the shit. And then her stupid boyfriend shows up tonight uninvited and she lets him stay. Like they don't spend enough time together. And I lose my goddamn spot on the couch so they can make moon eyes and slobber all over each other. What am I, a fuckin dog?
Yeah, that's exactly what I am. I'm the dog of the house who likes to be kicked. Not literally, but for whatever fuckin reason I can't seem to stop starting shit with B like in the living room just now. I'm not too worried though 'cause tomorrow I'll walk up to her with my head down and my tail between my legs and apologize for being a bitch. It was just really fuckin rude, ya know? She's the one who picked out that gay pirate movie and called for a vote when I wanted to watch something else. Then she doesn't even pay attention to the movie she wanted.
I sigh when someone knocks on the door but I don't say a fuckin word. I already know who it's gonna be, and I know that it doesn't matter what I say because they're gonna come in here no matter what. Sure enough, the door opens and I don't look away from the ceiling when Willow walks in. Yeah, that's right, I said Willow. Willow, Red, my partner in crime. Well, not really crime but you know what I mean. Red would never break the law, again, but we do get into trouble together.
Everyone thought me and Xander were gonna be like best buds or whatever but it just can't happen. We have some stuff in common, we read comics and like Star Wars and we can go on and on about which superhero is better. I always say James Bond, and he always says Superman. I'll admit Superman is pretty cool. He can fly, can stop speeding bullets and all of that stuff, but there is one thing that James Bond has that Superman never does. James Bond fucks really hot women while Superman is holding out for Lois Lane who he'll never be able to fuck 'cause he'd kill her.
"Faith, are you ok?" Willow asks and sits down on the foot of the bed. I don't know why she's asking that. I thought she was going to come in here and bitch 'cause I ruined movie night. Yeah, I know, Willow doesn't nag at me like that, but I guess I still have an insecurity or two I need to work out. "I know the ceiling can be very interesting this time of night but I was looking for an answer to that question." That makes me laugh. Well, it makes me laugh while trying really hard not to laugh so it sounds like a snort.
"I'm fine, Red," I tell her and I know there's no fuckin way she's going to accept that answer. She can see through all my little white lies better than anyone can. I guess that just happens when you're friends with someone for a while. I'm sure B can see through my little white lies but she hardly ever calls me on 'em. Alright, she probably calls me on 'em more than I'm willing to admit, but I gotta keep some of my pride since most of it is bruised right now. I have no fuckin clue why it's so bruised but it feels like it just went three rounds with Mike Tyson and got its ear bit off.
"Yeah, you threw a Dawnie sized temper tantrum because you're so fine. Sorry Faith, that's not going to cut it," she says and lies down next to me on the bed. See, I told you she wasn't going to let me get away with that. She's using her elbow to prop herself up and I can feel her eyes looking at my face. Willow's pretty good at seeing through all my bullshit, and sometimes I really fuckin hate it. She's lucky I didn't retaliate for saying I threw a Dawn sized temper tantrum 'cause that's a pretty big insult.
"Nothing's wrong, Willow. Must be getting close to that time of the month," I tell her and again I know she isn't going to buy that shit. I don't know why I always do this. I don't know why I can't just let my walls down instead of playing this game. But every time I get upset about something, especially after I fight with B, I always play the bullshit game, and Willow always wins. Well, not always. The first couple of months she would back off 'cause she didn't want to push me too much. That's all out the fuckin window now, though.
"You really think I'm going to be believe that?" she asks and I just shrug. Again I know this is all completely pointless but it's part of the game and who am I to screw that up? I still can't believe how B was acting downstairs. Dawnie was in the room for fuck's sake. She's supposed to be settin a good example for the little brat. Well what kinda example is she setting by sittin in her boyfriends lap and letting him put his hands all over her while they're in front of everyone? "I know you too well, Faith. You don't get pissy like this around that time, you just get, like, mega horny." I chuckle a little 'cause it's true.
"Being mega horny with no release makes me frustrated and being frustrated makes me pissy," I say and that sounds pretty fuckin good to me. Maybe she'll buy it now. Nah, she's Willow, there's no way she's going to settle with that logic. Like she said, she knows me too well to fall for any of this. But the more questions she asks the closer she's getting to the ones that are gonna touch some sore spots and I really don't want that to happen. That's what this game is all about: avoiding the real shit.
"Well why don't you find someone to help you out with that?" she asks and I can't stop the smirk from breaking out on my face. I'm sorry, but I have to. She just walked right the fuck into it. I finally look away from the ceiling and into her eyes. I spread my legs a little and bring my left knee up, and I arch my back towards her. I know I look fuckin sexy right now and I can tell Willow really wants to run her eyes down my body.
"You makin an offer, Red?" I drawl out nice and slow. I lick my lips and bite my bottom one a little and I swear her eyes just dilated a little bit. It doesn't really have anything to do with me, though. It has more to do with the fact that her girl has been gone on a secret mission for a month and a half and won't be back for at least another two. This is just another game we play: gay chicken. I can't decided which is gayer: Red going down on another chick, or us pretending we're going to kiss each other than pulling back at the last second and giggling about it like twelve year olds.
"Stop trying to change the subject, Faith," she says and gives me a little smack on my thigh. She's trying to sound casual about it, but I can hear the bite in her tone. She really is sexually frustrated because her girlfriend isn't here but she's trying to be cool about it. I just give her a little smirk and wiggle my eyebrows. She's the badass Wiccan now but I can still get under her skin. I've always been able to do that. "If you don't stop I'm going to tell Kennedy you hit on me." That makes me stop laughing. Kennedy's one hell of a slayer and when it comes to protecting what's hers she's more of a hit first and ask questions later.
"There's nothing to talk about, Red. Buffy pissed me off. Like that's something new," I tell her and go back to staring at the ceiling. Her eyes are still on me and I don't like the feeling of it. It's almost like she's trying to read my mind. She could do it if she really wanted to, but she doesn't because that's a real fuckin violation of trust. The only time she ever reads my mind is before she orders out and she wants to know exactly what I want to eat. Whenever I feel the little prickle on the back of my neck of her working that magic I instantly think of some hot celebrity I'd also like to eat out and all of a sudden she'll scream 'dammit Faith!'. Yeah, I'm awesome.
"Oh please. Stop trying to sell me all this crap, Faith. You and Buffy fight over absolutely everything." We do. You should see it at dinner time when there's only one roll left. We might as well be starving out in the wild and fighting to the death over a deer carcass. "But you never get mad at each other, not like this. What's been going on with you lately?" Again she has a point. B and I fight over everything like little kids but then five minutes later we're back to being the best of friends. I don't know what the fuck has been going on with me. I've just been in a real sour mood.
"I don't know, Willow. I just…don't know." I know exactly what's wrong. I just don't want to admit it. I don't want to admit that I don't like the fact that Buffy isn't making time to hang out with me anymore. We used to hang out all the time and then she got a boyfriend. Now most of our hang out time has turned into sucking-face-with-Marcus time. I feel like a little kid who's big sister doesn't wanna play with 'em anymore because she's too cool to hang out with a little kid. Wow, I now totally understand why Dawnie is such a freakin brat. Trippy.
"Ok, well than I'll help you get a clue: you're jealous," she says and she sounds dead fuckin serious. I look away from the ceiling and both of my eyebrows are lost in my hairline. I don't think they're ever coming back which is a shame 'cause I love using my eyebrows to help express my smartass remarks. I stare at her for a minute and she's not backing down. She's really fuckin serious. She thinks I'm jealous? What the fuck am I supposed to be jealous of?
"What-the-fuck-ever. I am not," I tell her and I sounded winded. Probably because I was holding my breath without even realizing it. Don't ya hate it when that shit happens? I do, I always get a really bad headache. Anyway, Willow gets this little smirk on her face and I know it well. She usually gets it when we play poker and she knows I'm bluffing.
"Faith, I hate to break it to you." No she doesn't, she totally loves this right now. "But you're so jealous you could be the new ruler of the Emerald City." She's been on a Judy Garland kick for the last couple weeks. Kennedy really needs to stop volunteering for these secret missions 'cause they're really starting to go to Red's head. My eyebrows finally come out of my hair and they knit together really tight and it kinda hurts.
"You're demented. I am not jealous of Buffy-fuckin-Summers." Like I'd ever want to date a guy like Marcus. He's such a fuckin cro-mag. How long have I been bitchin to you about him? She thinks I'm jealous over that douche-bag, that's one the funniest things I've heard in a long time. I think it's right up there with a Richard Pryor stand up, and Xander burping the National Anthem.
"That's good," she says that like a total smartass. I think we've been spending too much time together. "Because I wasn't saying you're jealous of Buffy." I let out a little breath of relief. As long as we got that straightened up. I know B is pretty cool but there's no way I'd ever be jealous of her. Except for that one time back in Sunnydale when I was all jealous and went crazy and tried to kill her. But other than that there's no way I'd ever be jealous of her. "You're jealous of Marcus." The sound of the air leaving my body sounds like air hissing out of a punctured tire.
"Why in god's name would I be jealous of that tool?" I ask and I practically shouted the question. Kinda surprising considering I didn't have any air in my lungs, but whatever. I hope no one downstairs head that 'cause I'm already in trouble with B. I don't need her hearing me callin her boyfriend a tool 'cause that would just piss her off even more. Willow gives me this look like I'm the one who's been smoking crack and it makes me wanna smack her. I don't, which is pretty big of me if you think about it.
"Fine, you live in denial all you want." What the fuck is she talking about? I am so not in denial. "But the truth is you're in love with Buffy." You wanna say that one more fuckin time? My eyebrows shoot back into my hairline and now I don't think they'll ever come back down. "You always have been. That's why you get cranky whenever Marcus is around." Really? I thought I got 'cranky' 'cause the douche eats all my food and never fuckin leaves. The look on Red's face goes from amused to dead fuckin serious. It's creepy how fast she does that.
"But if you don't pull yourself out of denial soon and tell Buffy how you feel before it's too late than you're going to be the bitter drunken bride's maid at the wedding of Mr. and Mrs. Tool," she says and just keeps lookin me dead in the eyes. I can't fuckin breathe because everything she said is just so fucking crazy. There's no way I'm in love with Buffy. There's just no goddamn way I can be in love with her. Red really needs to lay off the romance flicks 'cause they're really starting to warp her sense of reality.
Buffy's an annoying, high maintenance, bottle blonde who pouts whenever she doesn't get her way. She always uses the last of the milk and just puts the container back in the fridge. She's constantly hiding my cigarettes to try and get me to quit smoking and when I ask her where she put 'em she says anti-cancer fairies stole them. She's uptight, a total pain in my ass, loves hearing the sound of her own voice, and there's no fuckin way I'm in love with her.
"You really need some help, Red. I don't know what the fuck you've been smoking, but it's fuckin your brain up big time," I tell her and sit up in the bed. I don't wanna deal with this shit right now. My mood is getting even worse and if she doesn't stop I might slam my fist through the wall. Yeah Xander's good at the construction stuff but that doesn't mean he does it without bitching about it. Willow sits up too and I can tell just by the look on her face that she knows I'm getting close to the edge of doin something violent.
"Faith, just think about it, ok?" she asks in that tone of voice that sounds like she's talking to a cornered animal that's about to make a run for it. She puts her hand on my knee and I think she's using magic because it's calming me down a little bit. Normally when I'm freaking and someone touches me it makes me wanna turn tail and run. "A lot of bad things have happened to you, and it makes you feel like you don't deserve to be happy but everyone deserves a chance."
I glance over at her and I can tell just by the look on her face that she believes every word that just came out of her mouth. She leans in real close and leaves a little kiss on my cheek and gets up. I watch her walk outta the room without another word. Who the fuck does she think she is to just come in here, turn my fuckin world upside down, and then just walk out? Fuckin witch thinkin she can just do whatever she wants 'cause she can kill us all with just one look. Then again that is a pretty good reason.
But what-the-fuck-ever. I thought she was my friend, ya know? I guess not. Friends don't tell their friends that they're in love with someone just to mess with their heads. I'm not in love. I've never been in love and there's a good chance I'll never be in love. It's not like I can't get a boyfriend or girlfriend, if I wanted to put up with the baggage that goes along with one of those, but I know what loves gets you and I don't want it. I don't wanna have my heart metaphorically ripped outta my chest.
Well, I'd rather have it metaphorically happen then physically happen, but you fuckers know what I mean, right? Goddamn, I need a cigarette really fuckin bad. I don't care if they're bad for you, or if they're gonna give me cancer one day, I really fuckin need one. I get off the bed and walk over to my dresser. Man, could this day get any fuckin worse? I don't think so. Today has just been a weird day for me. It started with the last of my cereal being eaten, then I lost to Vi at a sparring match, then Dawnie kicked my ass at chess, and now this bullshit.
Maybe Red kinda has a point. Maybe I am jealous of Marcus. Not in the way Red was goin on about earlier, but ever since they started dating B hasn't been hanging out with me as much. All I wanted back in Sunnydale was for us to be friends, and now that we finally are I guess I'm jealous that she's spending more time with him than me. I dunno. That sounds pretty retarded but at the same time it doesn't, ya know? Red told me one of the reasons we didn't get along back in the 'Dale is because she was jealous of me takin B away from her like that.
I open up my jewelry box and pick my lighter up. Man, I fuckin love this thing. Xander gave it to me for my birthday. It's a Zippo that he got custom made just for me. It's chrome, and on one side it has the logo for the Red Sox, and on the other is has a little green four leaf clover. He told me if I keep it in my pocket and take it everywhere I go it'll bring me luck, but I don't wanna do that 'cause I'm too afraid of losin it. I open up the little drawer at the bottom of my jewelry box and lift up the false bottom. When I see it's empty I get this fucked up feeling in my chest and I wanna scream. Why the fuck can't Buffy just leave me and my cigarettes the fuck alone?