Angsty, because I'm in the mood and I have time!
Tag to Changing channels, no matter how much it made me laugh- and omg...it did, there's still the whole brother vs brother thing going on so...here we go.
Summary: Changing Channels. Sam asks something Dean can only respond to with fear, and more than a little sadness because really...is there a choice?
Warning: It's 4am and I'm gonna be cursing. :) and I just randomly cried at the tv earlier for no reeason, I may be going mad. Yay.
Spoilers for Changing Channels, obviously and...maybe a few more in season 5.
Disclaimer: Oh I'm sorry...you thought I actually owned them, as in they're in my house, hung up...in a box for when I want them out again...don't be silly, more like in my damn bag...to show off everywhere with. Where's that damn bag?
Inspired by the band Cartel-Save Us- where the lyrics are "Won't you say you'll save us, I can't go on, out of rhythm with our time"
One brother has to kill the other.
That's all that's been running through Sam's mind, that and the fact that the closer they get to ending this thing, ending the end? and How confusing is that, that he doesn't have a choice because every damn thing they meet or see or feel or think about leads to one side facing the other.
Sam doesn't want any damn side, he justs wants to stand with Dean- if it was upto him, they wouldn't even be fighting right now, wouldn't even have met the angels, cos what a crock of good they've done.
Yeah, hi we're the good guys, except we're not because we wanted you to bring on the apocalypse and oh yeah, forgot to mention, we've been lying for a few thousand years now...but you can oh so totally trust us now. Yeah.
So Dean's driving, getting away from another situation and Sam's thinking over and over and over and over with intense HD replay and audio.
He's thinking so much, that he's decided on a plan, another stupid, absolutley ridiculous plan but he's going to try and just please convince Dean to agree on, and maybe this can be over. Just maybe.
Maybe he doesn't have to say yes, because every-living-thing is telling him he will, he doesn't belive in questions anymore or permission and surely permission is a question?...Isn't it? So why does he have to say yes?
Oh because, everyone will die...and the angels have so been helping cut that number down, haven't they?..hmm.
Dean presses down on the gas and the car roars forward and Sam's knocked slightly out of his thoughts.
He looked across at his brother, he's concentrated enough to be driving but he's numb and tired and just tired of it. So Sam thinks it's the perfect time to talk, Dean's too overloaded to lie and just desperate enough to try it.
"Dean" Sam croaks in the silence of the car.
"Yeah Sam" Dean sighs and turns onto the freeway, it's pitch apart from the headlights and he hasn't spotted another car for miles.
"I uh...I've been thinking, and...I really need to say something but you might not like it and then you'll shut me out and I'll go crazy if you don't listen to me on this because I can't- I can't just...ignore this"
Dean doesn't answer and Sam thinks he's done just that and shut him out, but then he's signalling and pulling into the byway, and Sam tries to quell his suddenly terrified heart.
"Yeah...I thought you'd want to have a talk" Dean looks to the side, shifts in his seat so he has a better view of Sam. "You've been quiet for hours" He muses.
Sam doesn't look, he can't look at Dean right now, he knows that because if he does he can't ask him to- he can't get it out of his mouth. So he pulls some cotton from the cuff of his jacket and pulls, twining it around his finger and focusing just on that.
"Sam" Dean says, it's all he ever needs to say.
"Uh...You know...the trick- Gabriel...or whatever...what he said, what everyone's said. I think...I think they might be right"
"What about?" Dean asks.
"That we'll say yes, I mean I don't want to, I don't ever want to ...have to do that, what they're asking but, do we even have a choice anymore?"
Dean swallows. "Sam, hey...look at me"
He's hesitant but slowly Sam's eyes shift to Dean's face and even in the darkness he can see the worry.
"What happened to us controlling our destiny? Team free will?"
Sam nods slowly. "Free wills an illusion. If anything they've shown us that- nearly killing you, just to get an answer and it won't stop...this won't end until they get an answer and they're not looking for no."
"We can keep running Sam" Sam doesn't even believe him because it sounds like Dean's well and truly given up.
"We can't" Sam blinks. "We can't run from this- they just find us and...it happens all over again, Dean...both sides are after us. Even if we win from one- the other's just waiting..."
Dean huffs. "So what do we do? Hide away, stay away from anything and everything?"
"No" Sam says quietly and he's not looking again that Dean starts to let fear creep in. Sam only acts like this when he's done something...when he's been stupid, desperate.
"Sammy" Dean whispers, his hand grazing Sam's slightly.
"If you...I mean, it's just like they said, one brother...has to k-kill...the other" Sam swallows, his forehead creasing. "Maybe...I mean..." Sam's breathing gets faster. "Look in the glove compartment...uh..."
Dean's fumbling, half listening to Sam's ramblings and half concerned at just what Sam's trying to tell him and whether he should chew the kid out or not.
Dean's hand automatically feels around and there, the hilt of a handle as he brings it out and frowns down in fear at Ruby's knife.
"Sam" Dean warns. "What...why is this here?"
Sam closes his eyes for a second. "It's a demon killing knife right?...I mean...it's something you can use...it'll work on me" Sam's barely speaking when he finishes but his eyes never leave his hands.
"Sam...what are you-"
"You have to kill me" Sam rushes. "Just use the knife, it's fitting isn't it?...Payback for how many people I k-killed with it. You-just...you have to..." Sam's breathing gets faster as he rushes on and Dean's eyes are widening in fear, in shock at just what Sam is asking of him.
Sam tenses and he closes his eyes, ready for the final blow.
Dean's hands squeeze Sam's shoulder and Sam fights not to jerk away.
"Just do it" Sam hitches. "Please"
Dean's eyes are full of tears as he looks at his brother and then at the knife. No it isn't fitting, not in the fucking slightest.
Dean opens the door with a squeal, leaves it open, he's too far gone to slam it shut- he doesn't want to hurt the car, the car didn't make a stupid idea.
"Get out" Dean says, it's cold and it's deep and Sam's eyes briefly open as he fumbles for his own door.
Yeah he thinks, makes sense, Dean doesn't want a nasty stain in the car- to remind him everyday of a brother who'd betrayed and failed him.
Sam steps out on wobbly legs, sees his brother round back at the trunk and meets him there, it's still black out, no other headlights on any cars for miles.
No-one would see it.
Dean's staring at him, angry now- guess he wasn't as tired as Sam thought.
"You want me to kill you Sam?...Is that all? You want me burn down a village or shoot a kid next?" Dean holds up the knife and gets closer to Sam.
"You want me to use this..."Dean blinks and whispers heartbreakingly. "on my little brother..."
Sam can't look, so he closes his eyes, it'll stop the tears and he won't have to see Dean.
"Open your eyes Sam"
And when he does, Dean's crying, shiny tears in streaks down his cheeks.
Dean rushes him, the knfe clatters onto the tarmac with the force Dean threw and his arms wrap, tight and strong around Sam.
Sam gasps, eyes blown in fear and then Dean ...Dean sobs. His chest hitching on Sam's and he wraps his arms around his back and fists them in his shirt and jacket.
"Sammy" Dean mumbles. And he sounds...sad...
Sam frowns. "Dean...you have to kill me, you're the only one who can...please"
Dean hisses a 'no' somwhere and holds Sam tighter, his arms trembling.
"But I can't kill you...Dean I can't ever do that...they can't ask me to- and I can't...even possessed I could nev-I can't do that, Dean please...I ca-I can't"
Somewhere along the blur of emotion Sam found his own hands curled and knotted in Dean's shirts and his eyes were wet, he blinked against it and breathed in deeply, feeling the warmth of Dean's chest and his brothers breath wisping by his neck.
"You never have to" Dean whispers, the words touching Sam's ear.
Sam closes his eyes, nudges his head into Dean's shoulder like he's a nuzzling puppy.
He doesn't remember why he's stood here, the wakes of terror slowly leaving his body but he can feel Dean, strong and there and real, and Sam thinks that he could be okay, if Dean's as worried as he is, they don't ever have to say yes, because saying no and getting killed for it is always better than having to kill eachother.
Dean's hand cups the back of Sam's head and as Dean shifts his mouth brushes Sam's forehead, despite the change in height they have, Dean always manages to be the big brother.
"Shhhh Shhh shh...Don't worry Sammy, it's okay"
Sam doesn't register untill then he's been leaning into Dean, mumbling fear-driven thoughts and shaking with tears.
"Dean...I can't" Sam breaks.
"I know...I know...It won't come to that...I promise"
Sam's eyes clench shut and he sees Lucifer smiling, goading for an answer.
Sam takes a deep breath, opens his eyes with a wince.
"No" he says, and it's strong.
Yeah, they can keep saying no Sam thinks, this isn't so bad with Dean's arms like towers around him.
There ye go :) LOL! :) A fun time writing that...mu GOD! There needs to be a man in my life now please...and he must understand I write boys and imagine them. Yeah...:)