X-Mail
By Charon

Disclaimer: No matter how much I wish, I do not own these characters. (Mmm... Subaru...) If Clamp were dead, they'd probably be rolling around in their graves over what I did to them. So they'll just have to settle w/ rolling around in their beds. I am not affiliated w/ Subaru (either the car or the person), Isotoners, or Disney. Don't sue, don't sue!

Caveat: The various e-mail addresses and URLs were made up by me. Hopefully none of them really exist... but if they do... shhh, you didn't hear it from me. ^^; EDIT : It's been brought to my attention that the story e-mail addresses can no longer be seen here. To read the "full" version of this story, please follow the link on my author's profile.

Warning:Some Yaoi-ness and Major OOCness ahead.

Now let us take a peek into the trashbin for Subaru Sumeragi's e-mail mailbox...

Part 1: Subaru's Mailbox

***
Subject: Free Time Free Lunch?
Date: Sun, 27, Jan 1999 14:55:59
From: the_real_kamui
To: thesumeragi

Hey Subaru,

I've got some free time tomorrow between 11 and 2 while I take a break from angsting over Fuuma, Kotori, my mother, my aunt etc. I was thinking maybe we could have lunch or something? Anything except shish kabob. LMK.

Kamui

***
Subject: Re: Free Time Free Lunch?
Date: Sun, 27, Jan 1999 15:38:32
From: thesumeragi
To: the_real_kamui
References: 1

Dear Kamui,

I'm afraid that I really shouldn't indulge just yet. I've still got quite a bit of angsting to make up after all those breaks I took to set up kekkai and fight the Dragons of Earth. (Not to mention all those trips to the hospital...) If you don't mind having pocky or ice cream, you should ask Yuzuriha.

Subaru

***
Subject: Sponsorship Opportunity
Date: Sun, 27, Jan 1999 17:22:41
From: promotions
To: thesumeragi

Dear Mr. Subaru Sumeragi,

This is a follow-up to our previous communications. Are you certain that you will not reconsider helping in the promotion of our new "Destiny" line of luxury cars? We are willing to negotiate over your remuneration. Please feel free to contact us anytime at this e-mail address or to phone us at (410)555-SUBARU

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
T. Swiss
Head of Subaru Promotions

***
Subject: Your Daily Morning Wake-up E-mail
Date: Mon, 28, Jan 1999 09:25:58
From: Ghost Girl : fashionpolice
To: thesumeragi

Subby-poo!!!

You should wear that adorable red and black sleeveless number today. (And don't forget the matching red gloves!) I'm certain both Seishirou and Kamui are tired of seeing you in that egg-colored trench coat. ;p~

You aren't going to spend the entire day sulking inside your room, are you? Honestly, you need to get out more. And you need to eat more, I can see how thin you've gotten! At least take up *someone's* dinner offer sometime! ^_^

Love & Huggles

Hokuto

Georgey porgey, puddin' and pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry,
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too
He's funny that way

***
Subject: Re: Your Daily Morning Wake-up E-mail
Date: Mon, 28, Jan 1999 09:33:11
From: thesumeragi
To: Ghost Girl : fashionpolice
Reference: 1

Hokuto! If you're going to die and leave me to fend off grandmother all by myself (not to even mention that death curse of yours! ) the least you could do is let me dress myself!

So, you think the red gloves match better than the black ones?

Subaru

P.S.- Kamui says "hi" to Kotori.

***
Subject: Join the Dragons of Earth!
Date: Mon, 28, Jan 1999 12:34:54
From: i_am_so_sexy
To: thesumeragi

Dear Subaru,

This is an unparalleled time to switch over from your old service to the Dragons of Earth! Membership fees are at an all time low and a great new position has just opened up on the team! Benefits include...

*Fastest Internet Connection on the Planet
*1/2 Off on Floral Arrangements
*VIP Treatment at Many Government Agencies
*Tax Reductions for Helping to Save the Rainforests
*Availability of a psychic dreamwalker 24/7

And much more! Drop by our website for further details .org
Special *personal* treatment if you say that Kanoe sent you!

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper
-- The Hollow Men, T. S. Elliot

***
Subject: Re: Join the Dragons of Earth!
Date: Mon, 28, Jan 1999 15:54:13
From: thesumeragi
To: i_am_so_sexy
References: 1

Kanoe,

Please stop spamming me. It's bad enough with Fuuma & the others without having you join in as well. I'm afraid I'll have to start charging $500 per solicitation if this keeps up.

Subaru

***
Subject: So how's my favorite onmyouji?
Date: Mon, 28, Jan 1999 23:05:23
From: sakura_assassin
To: thesumeragi

Dearest Subaru-kun,

Long time no see, ne? I hope you're taking good care of my sakura tree. It has very finicky tastes, as you well know.

I hope you're not still angry over that entire "kill your sister, kill you" thing. Anger isn't good for the soul, you know. And I've always been interested in the state of your soul, especially now. Think about what we've been discussing.

Hope to be seeing you soon. Real soon.

Seishirou

***
Subject: Re: So how's my favorite onmyouji?
Date: Mon, 28, Jan 1999 23:41:05
From: thesumeragi
To: sakura_assassin
Reference: 1

Long time no see, ne?

Seishirou-san, it's been two days.

I hope you're taking good care of my sakura tree. It has very finicky tastes, as you well know.

Actually, I've been rather busy shopping for chainsaws at the local malls lately.

I hope you're not still angry over that entire "kill your sister, kill you" thing.

I'm not dignifying that with a response

Think about what we've been discussing.

I really don't know about that entire "melding of souls thing"...

Subaru

***
Subject: Re: So how's my favorite onmyouji?
Date: Mon, 28, Jan 1999 23:48:16
From: sakura_assassin
To: thesumeragi
References: 1, 2

Dearest Subaru-kun,

Long time no see, ne?

Seishirou-san, it's been two days.

Oh, but two days can be an eternity!

I hope you're taking good care of my sakura tree. It has very finicky tastes, as you well know.

Actually, I've been rather busy shopping for chainsaws at the local malls lately.

Is my little onmyouji developing a sense of humor now? You'll give me a heart attack! *weg*

Speaking of which... look behind you...

***
Subject: Subaru, where are you?
Date: Thu, 31, Jan 1999 13:43:12
From: the_real_kamui
To: thesumeragi

Hey Subaru, where have you been the past few days? : ( Hinoto has been looking all over for you, you might want to drop her an e-mail.

Anyway, the clamp campus trio gave free tickets to that new amusement park (Tokyo Disney or something?) to Keiichi and I, and I wondered if you'd come along and save m-- err, accompany us. We've even got food coupons. (That Imonoyama-san is really thorough, isn't he? I think he's going to drag me there bodily tomorrow if I don't go.) Please LMK, ok?

Kamui

P.S.- I just got this weird threatening e-mail from the sakuraka--sakurakamori--sakura-- that assassin guy. Do you know what's up with him?

***
Subject: Re: Subaru, where are you?
Date: Sat, 02, Feb 1999 12:01:00
From: thesumeragi
To: the_real_kamui
References: 1

Dear Kamui,

I'm sorry that I couldn't go to the park with you yesterday. I've been... busy... lately. I'm really sorry that Fuuma showed up there. Has Keiichi gotten out of the hospital yet?

I'll definitely talk to Seishirou-san about the e-mails. I don't want anyone threatening you.

Subaru

***
Subject: Opportunity of a Lifetime
Date: Sat, 02, Feb 1999 15:23:43
From: promotions
To: thesumeragi

Dear Mr. Sumeragi,

It has come to our attention that you would present an ideal spokesperson for Isotoner(r) Gloves. We understand that you are a very busy person, so besides any fiscal recompense our company is also willing to extend a lifetime's supply of gloves to you. Please contact us if you'd be interested in this opportunity.

A. Hazard
President Isotoner Inc.
(443)555-0666

***
Subject: Dragons of Heaven Membership Renewal
Date: Sat, 02, Feb 1999 16:05:19
From: Princess of Sky Dragons : see_no_evil
To: thesumeragi

Sumeragi-san,

You have not yet filed for a renewal of your DoH license and the deadline is fast approaching. Remember that you'll lose your benefits of leaping from building to building and creating kekkai for several weeks if you allow your membership to lapse before reapplying. I have attached the application form-- please reply ASAP if you need a deadline extension.

--
Hinoto
For I dipped into the future
As far as the eye could see
Saw the vision of the world
And all that it would be.

|| Attachment Removed ||

***
Subject: (no subject)
Date: Sat, 02, Feb 1999 21:59:36
From: technogirl
To: thesumeragi

I see all and I know all

--
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

***
Subject: ????
Date: Sat, 02 Feb 2002 22:54:55
From:
To: happilymarriedman, ineedabetterwish, see_no_evil, the_real_kamui, i_like_my_head, fashionpolice, thesumeragi, swordmaiden, hotguy, blue, red, genki, ninja, cookingpro, headmaster, i_hate_swords

Hey everybody, did you get a weird e-mail from technogirl too? And look at the date on my e-mail! Do you think my computer has been infected?

--
~Karen
Have a Wet & Wild time at the Flower Soapland ---
1-9-99 Higashituji "Don't get mad. Get even."

***
Subject: Re: ????
Date: Sat, 02 Feb 2002 23:15:55
From: Editor of Asuka: happilymarriedman
To: winknudge, ineedabetterwish, see_no_evil, the_real_kamui, i_like_my_head, fashionpolice, thesumeragi, swordmaiden, hotguy, blue, red, genki, ninja, cookingpro, headmaster, i_hate_swords
Reference: 1

It's all right Karen. It's probably only Satsuki playing a practical joke. I'm certain Hinoto is looking into this right now as I type.

Just ignore the date headers for the moment and they'll probably go back to normal soon. Everyone knows that it's 1999 not 2002. :)

Aoki

Subscribe to Asuka today!

***
Subject: Double Date?
Date: Sun, 03 Feb 2002 13:27:19
From: Sorata Arisugawa da Man: hotguy
To: thesumeragi

hey subs!

good thing our email accounts are back to normal, eh? anyway, kamui told me all about the glove model shibang. congrats! although personally i'd go for the car deal heh heh.

anyway kamui has been in a funk lately ever since that fuuma-blowing-up-disneyworld thing and arashi thinks that he needs something to take his mind off things. so how about a double date with you and kamui and me and arashi? arashi has agreed to it but only if you and kamui go too. pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaase man, be a pal?

pleeeeeeeeaaaaaase? (;_;)

--
Sorata
"Do not interfere in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup."

***
Subject: Your Wish
Date: Sun, 03 Feb 2002 13:47:06
From: i_am_kamui
To: thesumeragi

So have you thought about what we discussed? I know you want it. I can see the wish within your secret heart.

--
//Kamui//
"Insanity is not a state of mind, it's a place. I go there often, want directions?"

PS- Leave my Kamui alone!!!!!!!!

***
Subject: Re: Your Wish
Date: Sun, 03 Feb 2002 14:01:05
From: thesumeragi
To: i_am_kamui
Reference: 1

For the last time Fuuma, I don't want that damned eye! And I think Kamui is quite capable of choosing who he wants to be around.

Subaru

***
Subject: Re: Your Wish
Date: Sun, 03 Feb 2002 14:05:01
From: i_am_kamui
To: thesumeragi
Reference: 1, 2

For the last time Fuuma, I don't want that damned eye!

I AM KAMUI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI! KAMUI!

***
Subject: ...
Date: Sun, 03 Feb 2002 14:10:50
From: thesumeragi
To: the_real_kamui

Your friend scares me.

Subaru

***
Subject: SUBARUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: Sun, 03 Feb 2002 22:31:47
From: hordes_of_screaming_fangirls
To: thesumeragi

WE LOOOOOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUU SUUUUUUUBARUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!

PS You should go out w/ Kamui!

***
Subject: Re: SUBARUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: Sun, 03 Feb 2002 23:48:09
From: thesumeragi
To: hordes_of_screaming_fangirls
Reference: 1

Err, who are you and how did you get my e-mail address?

***
Subject: SUBARUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: Sun, 03 Feb 2002 23:53:54
From: hordes_of_screaming_fangirls2
To: thesumeragi

NO, SUBARUU YOU SHOULD GO OUT WITH SEISHIROUUUU!!!!!!

***
Subject: SUBARUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: Sun, 03 Feb 2002 23:56:48
From: hordes_of_screaming_fangirls
To: thesumeragi

NO, KAMUI!

***
Subject: SUBARUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: Sun, 03 Feb 2002 23:58:59
From: hordes_of_screaming_fangirls2
To: thesumeragi

SEISHIROU!

***
Subject: SUBARUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: Mon, 04 Feb 2002 00:01:49
From: hordes_of_screaming_fangirls
To: thesumeragi

KAMUI!!!!!!!!!!!!

***
Subject: SUBARUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: Mon, 04 Feb 2002 00:03:15
From: hordes_of_screaming_
To:

SEISHIROU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***
Subject: SUBARUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: Mon, 04 Feb 2002 00:04:57
From: hordes_of_screaming_fangirls
To: thesumeragi

KAMUI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***
Subject: SUBARUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: Mon, 04 Feb 2002 00:06:01
From: hordes_of_screaming_fangirls3
To: thesumeragi

BOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***
Subject: E-mail Change Request
Date: Mon, 04 Feb 2002 00:07:24
From: thesumeragi
To: administrator

Dear Sir/Ma'am

Due to the increase in unsolicited mail to my old account, I request that my account be closed and a new one opened.

Thanks for your time.

Subaru Sumeragi

***
Subject: Re: New E-mail Address!
Date: Mon, 04 Feb 2002 22:59:33
From: the_real_kamui
To: onmyouji
Reference: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

Hey Subaru

Thanks for telling me about your new e-mail addy. (Although it took me three tries to spell onmyouji right, eh heh) Don't worry, I won't tell Fuuma about it. That's really weird about that screaming fangirl mail though. I've gotten alot of spam from the dragons of earth but none from any screaming fangirls yet.

I know that you've been using for years now, but if it gets really bad you can always switch over to the free e-mail accounts we were given. Supposedly they're safe now that they've been disinfected from the Beast's last attack. (You did remember to send in your DoH renewal, right?)

BTW, what did you say to Sorata? He's been sobbing for like two days straight now. Arashi has rolled her eyes so much I'm afraid they might get stuck that way.

And you're sure that you're too busy for dinner tomorrow? We might try the new italian place if we can drag Sorata out of his room.

Kamui

PS- In that other e-mail which friend did you mean? ^^;

***
Subject: Tsk, tsk...
Date: Mon, 04 Feb 2002 23:15:12
From: sakura_assassin
To: onmyouji

Subaru-kun,

Changing your e-mail and not even telling me? One would think that you're trying to avoid me. And do you know the *trouble* I had to go through to get it? Well, actually, that was fun. (But you might not hear from your dear sister for a few days. *g*)

I hear that you've refused my little gift that I left with the dark Kamui. How disappointing. I bet you're not even taking good care of my sakura tree either. Looks like you'll need to be punished...

Seishirou

***
Subject: On Second Thought...
Date: Mon, 04 Feb 2002 23:27:55
From: onmyouji
To: the_real_kamui

Kamui, about that dinner date...