X-1999 and the characters from that manga/show do not belong to me. I am just borrowing them for the moment. This is a drable of a plot bunny that jumped into my head a few days ago and wouldn't leave me alone. (Ps, spelling of names, and quotes are just off the top of my head, so please don't flame me if they are not exactly right.)
23 March 2010
Because I Loved You
lionette AT mailcity DOT com
I've heard it said that it can be the very act of trying to prevent a prophecy from coming true that brings it to pass. It's funny what passes through your mind while you are dying.
I remember you. I see you. You are all I think about. All the rest is unimportant, there is only you, Subaru.
You burst into the hospital room after the incident with my eye, gasping for air like you had just run a hundred miles in a marathon. I had found that amusing at the time, but then you went and said the worst thing you possibly could have.
"I love you, Seisherou!"
Up until that moment I had been so sure you had lost the bet. I had been so sure that I didn't care about you one bit, and that I could kill you or leave you and it would make no difference. But I hadn't counted upon you or your own feelings. I was always selfish in that way. You weren't supposed to love me, Subaru. You were supposed to stay indifferent and embarrassed and preferably fearful towards me and my advances.
So when you declared your love and I felt my heart sinking in my chest for the first time ever in my life, I knew what I had to do. I knew I had to protect you from the future you had inadvertently decided to engage in. I had to destroy that love you felt for me, so that I could save you.
My mother's words floated through my mind: "You will be killed by the one who cares for you the most, and they will be the next Sakurazakamori."
No. Not Subaru. I refuse! To kill another person would destroy him!
So I had to destroy you first, Subaru. And I thought I had. Typically, I misunderstood the power of human emotion. I forgot that hate also can be the same as love. Sometimes even stronger. Because if you hated me, then you still cared for me.
Perhaps I should have told you about it in that hospital room instead of just acting. Perhaps if I had explained to you the gravity of those words you had just declared, and what you would be destined to become, you would have been disgusted and rejected that love. Perhaps you would have then been safe from that destiny, and I could have then protected you from the shadows as I had been for the last year. Watching you, wanting you, but never to be with you.
Perhaps if I had told you, you would have clung to me tighter, and tried to find a way to break away from destiny. Perhaps we could have spent the last few years together and you might have even been somewhat happy before destiny forced you to kill me. Perhaps I could have trained you, prepared you for what was to come. Even now, with all these years of bitterness and hurt, you are still so pure, so gentle, so kind...
Perhaps if I had told you, your sister would still be alive, and she wouldn't have cast her curse. (But then again, maybe I would have killed her eventually anyway. She was really quite very annoying). She misunderstood the situation. She thought that her life exchange spell would protect you, but in fact it sealed your fate. At the time I only thought of convenience and how her murder would help to drive the wedge deeper between us. I was wrong. So wrong about so many things. Just like I had been so sure, so sure, so sure for that year of your feelings (or lack of them) towards me.
I'm sorry, Subaru. I'm sorry I failed in my promise to protect you. I hope that in the end you would understand that I really was doing my best to protect you. Because I really, really, also really loved you.