War of the Cullen's

I do not, repeat for emphasis DO NOT own twilight, I used my real life story and changed that names to protect the innocent and just happened to pick some relatable entirely enjoyable names- p.s. My cat's name is Bella but I assure you this is not a story about my cat.

"Hey." I call as I enter Rose and Emmett's house. We have been neighbors for years and we're best friends.

"Rose, come on I've got the boys double parked in the wagon outside, grab Caleb and lets roll." I yell from the foyer.


The stupid blonde bimbo is probably fixing her hair and make up just to play in the sand box with the kids. I roll my eyes and start hiking up the stairs.

I see Caleb in his room arms stretched over the gate. He is so cute, such a happy little boy with Emmett's playful personality, adorable dark curls and deep dimples.

"Come'er buddy, where is that mommy of yours, huh?" I coo and lift him over the gate and throw him on my hip.

"Let's go and find her and slap her around a bit shall we?" I tease. Caleb claps and giggles, he is just over one so I doubt he can understand.

"Rose!" I bellow throwing open the bedroom door; it thumps loudly into the wall and I see Emmett's very naked ass in the air between Rose's legs. I covered Caleb's eyes and back out of the room pulling the door closed


"Christ a nooner Rose, really?" I shout and hear shuffling on the other side of the door and suddenly Emmett throws the door open. He is shirtless standing in sweats that are on backward and inside out.

"umm, sorry Bells but I got an egg to fertilize." He jokes nodding his head back into the room where I could still hear Rose shuffling around.

"Ah ha. Well Caleb and I are just going to go down to the kitchen and burn out our retinas, bleach our brains and then join Jason and Nathan for a nice little walk to the park and play. Resume humping." I was fighting a smile when Emmett's face lit up. He closed the door and I heard him yell. "Drop those panties woman the impregnator is not finished with you." I stifle a laugh and take Caleb downstairs and outside.

"Your Mommy and Daddy are pervs, can you say pervs?" I croon to Caleb as I set him down in the wagon with my two boys. "Pers" he chirps and claps.

I stayed at the park for an extra long time before we packed up and headed back to Rose's to drop off Caleb. I got to the door and rang the bell, a few minute passed before Rose throws the door open.

"Why did you ring the bell?" she asked.

"You really have to ask that now that I have Emmett's naked ass burned into my brain? Before I come in is Cap'n get r preggers decent?" I joke.

She giggles and nods. "Your safe from Emmett's naked ass for now."

I laugh and drag the kids in. We get them settled in the family room with juice boxes and a snack and pop a movie in the DVD player. We each grab a bottled water from the fridge and sit at the kitchen table.

"So you guys are working on baby number two?" I ask even though I am quite sure of the answer.

"Yeah." Rose sighs all dreamy eyed.

I eye her cautiously and wonder to myself if baby lust is contagious.

"You know it always seems to happen in groups, one person you know gets pregnant and then bam a fetus epidemic. Everyone you know is either pregnant or knows someone that's pregnant. Don't get me wrong I love my boys but, my baby factory is closed ever since Nathan's fat ass pushed his way through my birth canal weighing eleven pounds and was only eighteen inches long, it was like pushing out a basketball literally." I rambled.

She laughed and looked out at the boys in the other room. "But their worth it." She sighed again.

"Ugh, your brain is full of baby batter, I'm outta hear." I stand to leave and notice Caleb and Nathan are slumped on the couch asleep and smile.

"Come on quit your bitching and stay for dinner." She smiles. "Call Edward and let him know to come here after work."

"He said he had to work late." I state flatly and nervously finger my bottle of water.

"Spit it out Bella." She demands and I shrug.

"You know how it is; the king of porn is always busy these days." I sigh and look away.

Edward is the president of a huge internet hosting company. Basically he keeps dudes in porn and takes a very hands on approach loading most of the sites himself and gives every site his personal approval. Customer satisfaction my ass, he like to look which is fine, it would just be nice if he came home and liked to touched.

"Okay honey." Rose smiled sadly at me and stood up to make dinner. Rose was always so good about giving me my space.

We finish dinner, hotdog-a-pus on top of Neptune's golden treasure basically Rose made hot dogs and mac and cheese and I got all goofy and cut the hot dogs into octopus to top the mac and cheese. It was ridiculous but the kids loved it and ate well. We said our good byes and packed up and went home.

I dumped the kids in the tub and grabbed my Cosmo to read while they played in the water. My boys are so awesome, Jason is five and Nathan is two. They look just like their father with crazy copper colored hair and bright green eyes. We called it mad scientist hair, it was completely unmanageable.

"Mommy Nathan just stuck a dinosaur up my butt." Jason yelled from the tub. I tucked my magazine under my arm and crawled over to the garden tub.

"Gimme the dino you little monster." I reached for Nate. The slipper little guy wiggled out of my grasp and plopped down in the tub sending water and bubbles everywhere.

"gggggggrrrrrrr." I growl at them and wipe my face off and drop my Cosmo into the water. Double fuck, I didn't even get to the sex your man in sixty ways article.

"Alright you little goobers, time to get out." I whine and lift Nathan out of the tub and dry him off first and he takes off into the living room. I dry Jason off and he took off to find Nathan. I cleaned all the water off the floor and drain the tub. Guh! I drop my Cosmo into the trash and the towels down the laundry shoot and follow the giggles to the living room.

Both my boys are running circles around the around the coffee table completely naked.

"What are you doing?" I try and fight a smile from forming. Jason stops and looks up with bright eyes.

"Mom, when you run your ding dong dances from side to side." He giggles and makes hand motions to show me what he means before he takes off again to chase after Nathan.

Ahhh nake time. Like I said just like their father. I wrestle the boys down and put them in their jammies and settled in to read them a story before I tuck them in and kiss them good night by myself again.

I make my way to the kitchen and grab one of Edward's beers and snuggle up on the couch to watch old episodes of That 70's show and fall asleep waiting up for Edward. When I wake up I stumble into our bedroom to see him already in bed fast asleep.

Asshole didn't even wake me up off the couch to come to bed. I flop down on the bed with more effort than necessary and roll myself into the blankets and pull them all onto my side of the bed and then reached behind me and jerked his pillow out from under his head.

"What the fuck Bella?" He grouches sleepily. I ignore him and keep my death grip on the blankets when he tries to pull them back and stick his pillow between my knees. He reaches over and manages to get his pillow back. I smile smugly I still got your blanket fucker.

AN: please review- it'll make me post an update faster!!!