Hi guys, this story is one that i wrote AGES ago and i thought i should put it up.
okay this was written from the complete random ideas that come from that thing you call a brain and my utter love for Itachi3 and the sheer weirdness of the story was not due to the fact i am on meds...which i'm not by the way...i think...??
Oh well, read and enjoy!
Akatsuki's mysterious mystery
The day was like any other day in the Akatsuki hideout in Amegakure with all of our exiled ninjas hanging out in the common room when it all happened…….
'Hey Kisame chuck us the chips' said Sasori, he was sitting on one of the luxurious black leather lounges courtesy of Pain. Kisame picked up the one of the bags that was lying on the floor and chucked it to Sasori. Deidara was sitting next to his master being a faithful follower and was molding his clay into little models of the Akatsuki clan. Of course Kakuzu was busy counting the groups monthly funds, with Hidan sitting in the corner performing his daily ritual for his 'religion'.
Itachi was busy channel surfing through their 160 inch flat screen with surround sound and home movie system, Zetsu sat beside him watering his flower pot lovingly and singing soothing lullabies to the plant to make it grow big and healthy. And last but not least our favourite bad-ass Akatsuki member Tobi was being his usual self and saying about how he is such a great Akatsuki member and how 'bad-ass' he is and boasting about being the founder of the Uchiha clan and so on and so on.
'HIDAN YOU'RE GETTING BLOOD ON THE CARPET AGAIN!!' yelled Konan as she sat beside Pain as they sat on the two seat sofa. Pain just rolled his eyes and continued to watch the TV.
'Hidan do you have any idea about how much it costs to get a carpet steam cleaned these days?' Kakuzu said as he got up from his seat and walked over to Hidan who stopped and glared up at the person intruding on his sacred ritual.
'What the bloody hell do you want Kakuzu you friggen asshole, you're intruding on my bloody important sacred fricken ritual you god damned idiot!' he said with a glare.
Kakuzu grabbed Hidans' shoulders and pulled him towards him until their faces where practically touching, 'a lot of money Hidan, a lot of money…. And we need money….' Kakuzu said in a menacing voice, 'WE DON"T NEED AN IDIOT LIKE YOU GOING AND SPENDING IT ALL ON FUCKIN STEAM CLEANING!!!'
'Woooaaahhhh chillax Kakuzu it's just a few specks of blood' he gestured to the giant pool of blood that was laying at his feet, '……….. a few specks of blood…………. I'll show you a few specks of blood!!!!!!' Kakuzu yelled as he grabbed Hidan by the hair and yanked upwards, he clamped his arms around his necks and had Hidan in a head lock and was tightening it by the second.
'…h…h…he…..he...lp….m…me…' Hidan gasped at the others who were just sitting around, Hidan started to try and struggle free of Kakazus grasp but his attempts failed miserably.
'Kakuzu let him go,' ordered Pain who still looked at the uninteresting soap opera that was airing on the station they were watching, 'if you want to fight take it outside.'
Kakuzu let go of Hidan's neck unwillingly and went back to his money calculations yet again, while Hidan fell to the floor gasping for breath as he filled his deprived lungs with air.
'Thank you heavenly Jashin-Sama I am oh forever grateful to you,' prayed Hidan as he looked at the ceiling imagining that Jashin-Sama was right there above him, 'you have saved me once again from the evil wrath of Kakazu-bastard I am in your services forever great and almighty Jashin-Sama.'
'Oh shut up already Hidan your so annoying' said Itachi as he stood up and walked away towards his bedroom. 'What did you say you son of a…..' Itachi whipped around and glared menacingly at Hidan activating the Sharingan as he glared at Hidan, Hidan stopped saying what he was about to say because of him immediately being sucked into the Tsukiyomi world. '……. Where you saying something Hidan' said Itachi his voiced laced with venom, Hidan shook his head wildly '…..good I thought so.' Itachi deactivated the Sharingan and turned around and walked away. Hidan was left standing there dumbfounded, he scratched his head today just isn't my day is it… he thought as he turned around and went back to his corner and started to perfect his killing ritual.
After Itachi left the gang to retreat to his bedroom Kisame was still munching on a packet of chips, Tobi was sitting next to him boasting about how he nearly destroyed Konoha by releasing the Kyuubi on the village almost 16 years ago. Zetsu had moved off the couch and sat on the floor and was flirting with his blooming flower plant thingy (some sort of rare flower… or that's what Zetsu says...). Pain and Konan were having a conversation on whether or not Orochimaru was a pervert or a child rapist, and for once they were agreeing on both arguments. Sasori and Deidara were having a wrestling match over whose art was better, although Deidara had practically pulled his master apart so there were body parts strewn all over the floor. Deidara then picked up the two legs that were lying at his feet and started to run around the room with a very very pissed Sasori pulling himself along the floor behind him cursing.
Suddenly a strangled scream rang out, all of the Akatsuki members stopped what they were doing and immedietly grabbed their weapons that were hidden beneath their cloaks. They were all silent even Tobi (which was a first), they all searched for an enemies chakra but when there was no sign of an enemy they all sighed. They were pro's at this by now, being exiled blood thirsty mass murderers helped too.
The sound of approaching feet made all heads turn towards the entrance door to the common room as Itachi burst through the door looking as if he would throttle the first thing within his reach. His eyes were blood red and the sharingan activated, his hair had come out of his usual neat ponytail as it draped around his face, creating a curtain of hair between Itachis' face and the members of Akatsuki. All of the Akatsuki members started to back away from the fuming Uchiha, all of them had a synchronized shiver remembering what happened last time Itachi was this mad.
'Who ate my cookie..... ?' Itachi said as he stood in the dining room where his once yummy cookie had lay on a plate on the dining room table. All of the other Akatsuki members sat around the table rubbing their now full bellies, looked up to see a fuming Uchiha staring down at them. 'Huh...? That was your cookie? I thought it was Deidaras?' said an innocent sounding Kisame. 'Huh? No I didn't have a cookie anyway I thought it was Kakuzus?' said Deidara with a small burp. 'Why'd I want a cookie do you have any idea how much money we waste on cookies every year? Anyway, Konan didn't you say it was yours?' stated Kakuzu. 'What? No I only said that because Pain said to save him the cookie, it was Pains favorite flavor anyway, choc chip.' Said Konan purposely putting all the blame on the leader of the clan. 'What are you saying Konan!! Are you going to betray me now!!' yelled Pain. 'No of course I'm not betraying you I'm just stating the truth,' said Konan in reply. 'Oh is that right' said Pain sarcastically, 'anyway I don't like cookies I thought you knew that Konan, I especially hate choc chip' Pain said with a cough averting his eyes from the fuming Uchiha. Everyone could tell that their leader was lying so bad and they also all knew that choc chip cookies were his favorite food in the whole world. 'Anyway I thought Tobi and Zetsu were saying they were going to go halves on it' said Pain nervously praying that his awesome acting skills had fooled the Uchiha from killing him. The Uchiha turned on the innocent looking Tobi who was at the time sucking on a lollypop 'Huh, I'm too busy to eat cookies…I'M PLOTING TO BECOME THE RULER OF THE WORLD!!' Tobi stated in an oh-I'm-so-mighty voice with an attempted evil laugh which consequently failed miserably. Itachi turned to the plant man 'I don't like manufactured food, anyway Hidan was saying he was going to sacrifice his cookie to his stupid god thingy...' Stated Zetsu as he looked on at Tobi his mouth watering. 'What? I wouldn't have some fuckin cookie when I could be practicing my ritual, I don't have time to have a COOKIE' said a pissed Hidan but everyone knew this was normal for him.
'Well, if you didn't eat it then who is the criminal who ate my cookie!!??' screamed Itachi furiously.
Nobody said anything, not daring to say that they all were the criminals who ate his cookie. They were all too afraid of the consequences if they admitted they ate the cookie. Seeing as no one would admit they ate his cookie Itachi cracked and well…let's just say they never dared to eat an innocent looking cookie that was on the dining room table ever again…
**Return to the Present**
'……Who…..…killed…..Mister……..Sir…….Fluffy……Cuddly…….Charles……..Henry………Walter……Uchiha…….Junior…..' Itachi said his voice passive and cold, as he glared at his fellow house mates, searching for an answer. If words could kill, they'd all be dead by now. They all gulped back the fear that was stuck in their throats, for crying out loud, why are they afraid of Itachi… I mean he's just a back stabbing mass murdering cold hearted traitor who killed his own family (and I'd like to mention incredibly hot but that just ruins it….) … what should they be afraid of? "Well?" said Itachi, searching for an answer.
No one answered, they didn't have a clue who did kill Itachi's beloved pet but if they said that he would still beat them up in anger that they didn't know who did it. Anyway they weren't stupid enough to tell Itachi that, they all knew how much Itachi loved that ball of fluff. Itachi would share his food with it, bathe it, clean it, brush it, sleep with it and he loved it so much to the extent that he would sing lullabies to make it go to sleep. Now that sight had scared the rest of the team for life, Kisame even had nightmares about it.
All of the Akatsuki gang knew that Itachi thought of his pet as family, well, even if Itachi's real family was dead and his only relative alive was a stuck up duck butt hair wearing emo freak, that Itachi didn't even like and only didn't kill him because he didn't want to have to dirty his sword with such emo-ish blood (I mean, it's Sasuke…). But Itachi had bought that pet from the Amegakure village pet store one day when he had gone into town accompanied by Tobi and Pain. They had walked past the store and Itachi heard a small noise and looked over at the ball of fluff in the window it was….how should I explain this…love at first sight, Itachi saw himself in that ball of fluff all alone with no one there for them.
Since that day Itachi has carried a picture of his pet in his coats' inner pocket and always was thinking about his beloved pet, everyone who saw Itachi with his pet would have sworn he was drunk because….well….let's just say he acted more like a little girl than a murderer when he was with his pet. But now since his beloved pet is dead, they knew they were seriously in big trouble this time, unlike last time when it was just an innocent cookie but now since it's his pet…..
This time they were all baffled, because they had no idea who did kill Mister Sir Fluffy Cuddly Charles Henry Walter Uchiha Junior. Pain being the leader of them all saw that it was his responsibility to calm the flaming Uchiha down. 'Itachi…. none of us killed you pet, we haven't even touched him,' said Pain very slowly. Itachi turned to him and glared his sharingan focusing on Pain, Pain winced but didn't say a word, 'if none of you have touched my adorable pet then WHO KILLED HIM!!!' screamed Itachi at the group standing before him.
Then all of a sudden Itachi slid to the floor sobbing 'oh god *hic* why *hic* my poor pet…' Itachi wailed while continuing to sob into his hands. All of the other Akatsuki members went and tried to comfort him, Konan and Sasori went and got blankets and pillows while Pain and Kisame was trying to move him to the couch. Tobi and Hidan had gone to the kitchen to get some hot chocolate and choc chip cookies, while Deidara was making clay toys to cheer Itachi up and Kakuzu was trying to call up the pet shop to buy a new pet for him (although this was done unwillingly because well…..it's Kakuzu).
When Itachi was seated on the couch with lots of pillows and blankets surrounding him and with a plate of choc chip cookies in his lap and was sipping a warm hot chocolate with marshmallows in it did Itachi finally start to clam down. All of them were quiet while Itachi was drinking the hot chocolate and nibbling at the cookies, suddenly Itachi stiffened up and looked towards the doorway eyes cold and hateful.
'So it was you….wasn't it… you killed Mister Sir Fluffy Cuddly Charles Henry Walter Uchiha Junior didn't you?' said Itachi towards the empty doorway. All of the others just stared at him thinking that he has finally cracked after all these years, I mean first it was singing to an animal and now talking to empty doorways. A laugh sounded from the doorway coming from nowhere in particular, 'ahhh, so you found me…and about time too I should say.' All of the Akatsuki members just jaw dropped and stood dumb-founded staring at the empty block of space, a voice had come from nowhere…had they finally cracked too?
'Who are you?' questioned Itachi. 'Well, in your realm I am known as your God but you can call me Kishimoto!!' stated the block of air with a sudden bright light shining down on the empty doorway and a soundtrack of angels singing starting to play. All of them just sweat dropped and shook the very corny image they had just seen from their minds. 'So why did you kill my beloved pet if you're god?' asked Itachi a little pissed off that God had killed his pet, he would have been okay with someone else killing his pet but GOD?? That was just too far.
'Well, I got all of this stupid spam mail from Itachi fan girls out there because I had killed you off and they started to continuously send me viruses and emails that said many mean things that I don't like being said about me so as a punishment to all the fan girls out there I would MAKE YOU SUFFER!! Mwahahahahahaha!!' stated the block of space in the doorway. 'So you're saying that you killed my cute pet because of spam mail from my fan girls?' asked Itachi, 'yep that's right you got a problem with that buddy!!' replied the air space. 'Yes I do have a problem with that,' said Itachi as he slowly got up from his seat and approached the talking blob of air, 'you did all of that because…YOU GOT SOME FRICKEN SPAM FROM SOME FAN GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ARE YOU A IDIOT OR SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!' screamed Itachi aggravated by the block of airs' stupidity. 'That is correct…wait….did you just call me an idiot…?' questioned the empty block in the doorway 'yeah I did idiot, do you have a problem with that idiot?' retorted Itachi. 'Oh no you didn't… you did not just say that...' 'Well guess what…I just did so deal with it! Stupid Idiot' 'You say that one more time you're going to regret it' 'Oh yeah, is that right well guess what? You're an I.D.I.O.T' 'Oh no you just didn't uhuh nobody says that to the almighty Kishimoto!'
And so they continued this fight on and on, all of the others had already left back to their rooms doing whatever they want, not caring about the crazed Itachi screaming at the block of air in the living room doorway.
Random isn't it? Sorry if you are confused but hey, i told you it was gonna be random