author - devona
title - Spike Like (1/1)
rating - consensus says PG-13
distribution - I'm soooo much about the sharing... but please, please, please let me know where it's going so i can visit it.
feedback - I'd like it -- I'd like it a lot. However, I am a babe in the woods when it comes to the fanfic world, so please be gentle. Comments can be sent to: email@example.com
disclaimer: Xander, Anya, Buffy, and Spike belong to Joss W. and company. [OT - M&M's belong to Mars Candies. There is a slight reference to the M&M candies commercial (the one with the blue M&M and Wm. Baldwin -- i.e. 'No Blue Aqui!')]. Love them all, but don't own any of them. They could sue me, but the words 'blood from a stone' come to mind.
spoilers - Ummm, nothing in particular, maybe a reference to 'Gone'.
ty's - Jill, Iana, Murray and especially Jessica for beta help!
notes - Xander, Anya, and Buffy discuss a Spike who's missing in action.
words of wisdom: Don't kick a puppy if you really want him to stay around; and never ever kick a wolf -- they bite back.
"Buffy! You can not be mad because he hasn't come!"
"I'm not mad, it's just...well! Wait, why can't I be mad? He said he'd come and he's not here! No Spike aqui! -- Unless this time he's the one who's invisible."
"Oh God! You so can not be mad about him not being here. I can give you at least three good reasons to not be mad. First, your being mad at the Spikelessness suggests -- suggests mind you -- Spike-Like feelings. Secondly, it's not fair to Spike for you to be mad at him, and thirdly, IT SUGGESTS SPIKE-LIKE FEELINGS!"
"Nuh uh! No Spike-Like feelings... see my neck...? Pulse like things happening here. Not so much for Spike. So, there are no Spike-Like feelings. -- And why is it 'not fair?' Why is my being angry at 'no show boy' not fair?"
"Well Buffy, you can't -- you can't just... and then just expect.... I mean... nobody can constantly... and well... what kind of man.... Oh God! I just inferred that Spike was a man! And I'm giving you Spike-Like advice! Uggh! It's some kind of evil spell; or an evil contagious Spike-Like disease. Kill me now before it spreads! No! Wait I can fight it...'No Like Spike, No Like Spike No Like Spike No Like Spike ...."
"It's okay Xander. He's good now. You can like Spike. I do. Of course, I don't like him the way you do Buffy. I've actually never really found Vampires very attractive. I did date one when I was 257 years old. His love bites were not like yours Xander. Perhaps because he was a new vampire he didn't know what to do with his fangs... Hmmm. And when I found out that he had an attack bunny for a pet --! Anyway Buffy, I think what my butter half was trying to say when he said you weren't being fair was that: you can't mistreat a Zuglasta Demon and then be surprised when he turns into an Andlogar Demon."
"Big time: 'Huh?'"
"'Butter half'? 'Butter half'?! I'll get back to you about that --. Buff what my, ummm 'butter half' and I are so unsuccinctly attempting to say is: if you're going to keep complaining about Spike, you know, with the whole 'always following you around, always wanting to play, constantly licking your face..."
"General puppy dog-ness?"
"Yep, exactly! If you have a Spike-like puppy dog, you have to realize that if you keep kicking him, yelling at him, and throwing him against walls, eventually he's going to get the point and stop following you around. And it's just not fair to get mad at the puppy when he finally decides he doesn't want to get the crap beat out of him anymore.... Oh, and by the way, Ugggh! Could one of you please, please stop me because I just used the words 'Spike' and 'licking your face' in the same sentence! Bad, bad Spike-Like disease."
"Nuh uh! I like puppies! Puppies good. I wouldn't hurt a puppy! Spike is sooo not a puppy. I mean with the following around, and wanting to, to... all the time! And he does like to nibble on my... but no! No, Spike's not a puppy; he's more like a wolf... all 'Grrrh' and big teeth and... and..."
"Puppy, wolf, Z 'unpronounceable name' demon, human -- same rules apply Buffster. If every time they try and show affection to their 'playmate' she clubs them over the head with her fist, eventually they either turn evil or they just stop coming around.... 'Course it would take an awful lot of 'puppy abuse' to make a wolf leave his woman -- Cuz of the whole wolves mating for life thing.... Okay, and now with the Buffy/Spike mating images I so wanted to avoid. Anya, do I have a fever, cause I'm definitely getting sick here."
"No fever Xander. And for your information Zuglasta demons don't have heads. But I do agree: the kicking and hitting and throwing of puppies and wolves is bad. You should stop that Buffy. I also think that you should stop treating Spike like he's an Andlogar demon when he's really --"
"I'm here! I'm here! Sorry I'm late, bleedin' motorcycle wouldn't start, then I decided to pick up some pizza for this lil' gathering, and bugger me if the pizza place didn't slide some 'free' garlic bread into my order! Bloody well near... What...? Why are you looking at me like that...?! ...eh! What's this? Pet...! You just kissed me! You just bleedin'.... That's twice now! 'Public display of affection' that was! You two are my witnesses...! Well now, what started all...? Buffy luv, watch your hands there, don't want the demon and the boy to see too much.... What the bleedin' 'ell! Where are we going? Ummmm... I guess we'll be right...yipes...!"
"Okay. Now that was sooo much more Spike-Like than I ever wanted to see. We may have created a Buffy Spike-Like monster here."
"Xander, not all monsters are bad.... Why are you looking at me like that? Why are you smiling at me?"
"'Butter half', Anya? 'Butter half'...?"
"Yes. It's the 'buttered' part that makes things so much tastier. Toast, rolls, baked potatoes, popcorn...butter pecan ice cream. Xander.... Xander...! That tickles...! Ohhh, well! See, I was right, butter would be yummy on that too!"