Which Way To Sesame Street?

(the story elements of this fic are derived from those in God of War III)

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Intro: A Glitch in Time

The three judges had approved him. With cold, collected triumph, Kratos ambled on to the next area of Hades' realm. He would need to meet Hephaestus in his forge eventually, but the alluring portal that adorned a wall of the cavernous room proved to get the better of him. He recalled that only moments before, he was unable to pass through these. Perhaps now, completing the three trials and gaining the judges' consent, he could. If his guess was correct, this Hyperion Gate would lead him to another statue of Pandora. Taking a few tentative steps forward, the blue glow of the otherworldly doorway engulfed his body…

Within a split second, the warrior knew that wherever the portal did lead to, it was definitely not any part of the Underworld. In fact, it was not like anything he had ever laid eyes on before. Strange buildings surrounded him, and people wearing even stranger clothing strolled about, some even riding on contraptions with two large wheels.

"What…is this place?" Kratos murmured in wonder.

A few passerby gawked at him, some with puzzled expressions and some with friendly but cautious nods. Awestruck, Kratos walked on, taking his new environment in with fascination. Young people tossed an orange bouncy thing through a net fixed to a wall while older ones stared into great sheets of black and white paper, drinking…whatever it was they were drinking. Suddenly remembering what his original task was, he grew impatient. He stormed over to the nearest man and grabbed him roughly by the arm.

"Tell me where to find Pandora!"

Shaken, the man said softly, with a forced smile, "Well hello sir, you must be new here. I've never heard of Pandora, but this is Hooper's Store. Best sandwiches in town!"

Unimpressed, Kratos sneered and drew his blades, "Who are these Sand Witches you speak of? I shall DESTROY THEM!!"

Frightened, the man pleaded, "No sir, please! There are children here! Sandwiches are just a type of food."

Confused, Kratos eased up a little.

"You…eat witches?"

The man chuckled at this and gave Kratos his hand.

"I see we got off on the wrong foot there. Let's try a proper introduction! I'm Bob, and welcome to Sesame Street!"

Kratos stared at the man's outstretched hand, and then back at him, obviously having no clue what the gesture meant. Seeing he was going to get nowhere speaking to this fool, Kratos about faced and decided to find answers elsewhere. What kind of place was this, where people showed each other their hands and ate witches? At least he knew what the name of the place was: Sesame Street. He was almost certain no such place existed anywhere in Greece.

He trudged through the street, pushing children out of his way and kicking random flocks of chickens across the sidewalk. So far there seemed to be no one he could speak to for directions.

"Hey, you! SCRAM!"

Kratos turned to wind up face to face with a green, dirty, furry creature with giant eyes that stuck out the top of its head. Its body was only half visible, the lower half hidden away in some sort of large metal pot. He scowled at the creature.

"Tell me where to find Pandora. NOW."

The creature scowled back, apparently immune to his bowel-weakening intimidation.

"You're blocking Slimey's sunlight! He's trying to get a tan here, now SCRAM!"

Kratos stepped closer to the creature, his face mere inches from it.

"I will only repeat myself one more time, filthy beast."

A nervous expression flitted across the creature's face.

"Uh, hey buddy, cool it. I don't know what you're talking about…"

With that, Kratos hoisted the creature up, metal pot and all.

"Hey what do you think you're do-"

Unfortunately, it never got to finish that sentence, because before it knew anything Kratos had launched the thing into the air and somewhere over the trees. Trees which were pretty far away to begin with.

With the annoying green thing gone now, Kratos moved on, growing more and more irritated at this most unwelcome intrusion on his quest for revenge. Suddenly it occurred to him, and his blood nearly boiled with anger.

He thrust both fists to the sky, screaming to the heavens, "ZEUS!! You think you can so easily sidetrack me?! This is YOUR doing! Your games only serve to increase my hatred and hasten your death!"

"Who is Mr. Bald Man talking to?" a small, high-pitched voice chimed.

Pausing, Kratos looked down to the source of the little voice. Yet another weird-looking thing stood before him, seemingly not even standing three feet tall. It also had big buggy eyes at the top of its head, but it wore no metal pot and its fur was a brilliant scarlet. It seemed harmless enough and he saw little value in slaughtering it.

With a huff, Kratos shoved the little red creature aside.

"Why is Mr. Bald Man upset? Does he need a hug?"

Trying to control himself, Kratos barked "No! I do NOT need a hug! I NEED to find my way to Zeus so that I can finally relish extinguishing the life from his miserable carcass."

The little red thing stared in silence for several moments.

"Elmo still thinks Mr. Bald Man needs a hug."

"Who is Elmo? Is he the god of you people?"

The little creature laughed.

"Hahaha-heeheeheehee!! No, silly! Elmo is Elmo!"

"I…do not understand."

"Elmo's name is Elmo. What is your name?"

"My name is of no importance to you! Now get out of my way."

With that, the Spartan pressed on, determined to find a way out of this maddening place called Sesame Street.