A/N: WARNING! MOOD WHIP-LASH AHEAD!!!!
MAGICAL GIRL MAGISTRA EREBEA MOLLY!
By Shadow Crystal Mage
Disclaimer. The Dresden Files belongs to Jim Butcher. More Power to him! All other recognizable and unrecognizable material belong to their respective owners and creators. For those not in the know, apparently Molly's full name is Margaret "Molly" Katherine Amanda Carpenter. Go figure.
"This is bad," Harry said.
That was all that had to be said, really, though Harry felt it lacked impact.
During the White Council equivalent of the Teacher's convention– except in teacher's conventions you don't usually bring along your student to show them off (or in his case, prove she's not up to evil)– Molly had disappeared. There were plenty of witnesses. One second she was trying– badly– to conjugate Latin properly, the next second her plate was shattering to the ground a she disappeared.
Fifteen minutes of frantic searching had revealed nothing, after which she'd reappeared as inexplicably as before, now wearing some kind of armor/miniskirt/weird-fashion-thing instead of her brown apprentice robes and fighting an all-black figure in a skull mask and screaming properly conjugated Latin insults as she tried to dismember him with a glowing chainsaw.
Dresden had been mildly impressed in between bouts of screaming horror.
After hilarity had ensued, there'd been much Wardening and threatening of Dooms of Damocles. Thankfully, there were a lot of witnesses so Molly wasn't immediately sentenced to die, but it looked close there for a few minutes, with the Merlin getting that crazy-Saruman look in his eye.
Harry barely heard Molly mutter "Negi warned me about days like this..."
When they'd finally gotten out of there on back home in Chicago, Harry pressed Molly for what had really happened. He'd had to hear it twice, because it was too weird even for him.
"I was summoned to another world to be a holy warrior for its head big-shot, and later representative for said world in a multiversal crisis to fight the Mary Sue Armada."
"Mary Sue Armada?"
"Ask Ivy. She was there."
"Ivy? That Ivy? As in the Archive?"
"Yes, her. Go ahead, ask her. Tell her Mahou Shoujo Magistra Erebea Margareta says 'hi'."
Harry wasn't familiar with the first two words, but the next to he recognized. "Mistress of Darkness Margaret?"
Molly sighed. "It's complicated."
Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh. One of those things. You'll have to tell me at length when we get home to your parents, because I'd rather not have to be the one to explain this."
Instead of flinching, Molly actually seemed eager. "It'd great to see them again. It's been, what, three years?"
Harry nearly put his foot through the floor and whip-lashed their necks as he suddenly stepped on the break.
Molly's parent's knew something was wrong the moment she came home and started hugging and kissing her brothers and sister like she hadn't seen them in years. Harry tried not to look guilty as both parent's gave him suspicious looks. He didn't know the full story himself, so how was he to know if it was his fault or not?
Eventually the four of them sat in the kitchen, Charity dishing out looks she hadn't directed at Harry in years. It almost made him nostalgic.
"Well, it's like this," Molly said after Harry had laid out the groundwork. "I was summoned to another dimension by a being who called itself the Authvatar. He told me he was looking for champions and the Uriel had given him permission to go fishing around here. Apparently, I qualified."
"Qualified how?" Michael asked.
"There was a checklist, actually," Molly said, sounding partly rueful, partly annoyed. "I don't remember the whole thing, but 'on the path to redemption', 'struggling with inner darkness', 'noble lineage', 'lousy student'… I still feel the urge to take my chainsaw to Authvatar even after resolving most of the hang-ups I have on the list."
"Which reminds me," Harry said. "Where'd your chainsaw go? For that matter, where did that armor you were wearing go?"
"I'm getting to that," Molly said. "Anyway, Authvatar somehow blackmailed me that going along with this was the only way for me to get home, and he gave me a magic bracelet." She held up her right wrist, where what looked like an elegantly made, completely black bracelet with a few colored stones was looped on. "All I have to do is say the magic words and I become," she rolled her eyes and said in a partly sarcastic, nasally voice, "Magical Girl Magistra Erebea Margareta, Dark Champion of the Innocent, Black Protector of the Weak, Mysterious Knight Against Evil, and Wielder of the Chainsaw Called Bling." Her voice dropped back to her normal register, and she gave Harry a level look. "Don't blame me, I didn't make any of that up."
The adults stared at her. "Your chainsaw is called Bling?" Harry said.
"So anyway, I have to fight this group what were apparently demons who were going around trying to conquer the world. They used tree-monsters as shocktroops, hence the chainsaw. After several months of fighting, I finally either defeat or convert them to my side, only to learn that they're actually just to forerunners of the Mary Sue Armada, who are led by this warlock named N-O-B, or however she was spelling it that day. She had the power to utterly destroy causality, logic and eventually existence just by being there, and she knew it. To stop her, Authvatar made an alliance with other beings like him from other dimensions, and I joined the force that was assembled. I didn't meet everyone, since there were a lot of us, but I got to know some people really well. That was where I met Ivy. Or, as she was calling herself," again Molly's voice shifted to what was apparently her announcer voice, "Magical Girl Intellectus Archive Ivy, Keeper of Knowledge, yadda-yadda, sis-boom-bah. She favored cute animal-based explosive attacks, for some reason."
"You don't say," Harry said, voice slightly glazed.
"I made a lot of friends there…" Molly said, voice becoming distant. "Magical Girl Onyx Pterodactyl Kira… Mahou Shoujo Solaris Bloodsucker Reiri… Magical Girl Infinity Impossibility Kim… Magical Boy Invictus Perseus… Magical Girl Cosmic Twinkly Stargirl… Mahou Shoujo Omni Creator Haruhi… Mahou Shounen Theater Avenger Sasuke… Magister Magi Kitsune Girl Negi… Magical Girl Soulfire Angel-Redemptor Harrry…"
Molly chuckled. "That's actually part of the reason I agreed to fight for three years. A teenaged, girl, magic holy fire-wielding version of you can be a surprisingly inspirational leader, Harry. You– well, she– was the head of our team. It's how Ivy and I ended up on the same group. Plus we figured we could keep down the number of burned buildings."
"Oh, not you too," Harry said. "Will people stop getting on my case about those?"
Molly smiled a bit wistfully in remembrance. "Good times…"
"What about those Armada forces?" Michael prompted.
Molly's face fell, and her eyes took on a slightly-haunted look. "That was horrible. I thought fighting the tree monsters was tough… the first time we fought against them, almost all of us were injured almost instantly, even Percy, and his gimmick is to be practically-invincible. If it weren't for Authvatar and the others like him sacrificing nearly all their power to strengthen us, we'd all have been killed right there. Fortunately, we were all able to take advantage of our new power-ups and subsequent second wind to cause a strategic malfunction so that we could regroup and combine our attacks. After that, things got worse. I'd… rather not talk about it right now…"
A stunned silence descended over the kitchen as Charity rose to hug her daughter, who leaned against her mother in a vaguely disturbing way, almost as if she'd gotten into the habit of taking emotional comfort from any and all human contact. Harry couldn't imagine what she must have been through.
Molly felt tears coming to her eyes as she remembered all the near-Death and almost-Death and even a few really-Death-experiences she'd gone through or witnessed…
…Molly swinging Bling, gutting a Jeerleader Senseless with one hand as it swung its razored pompoms at her, yelling about team spirit, while her other hand made a gesture she'd learned recently, summoning the forces of darkness to throw a blast of force at another one was trying to take Magical Girl Phantom Dani from behind as she was preoccupied with using her Lyrical Freeze Scream on another…
…Marvelous Metahuman Psionic Jean-X's noble sacrifice to save the Ranma-Force group as they were paralyzed with fear by the Kat-Korps, remaining dead for a grand total of 216 seconds before reincarnating as Marvelous Metahuman PhoeniX Jean…
…The Unchosen One's– Magical Girl Succubus Harriet, Mahou Shoujo Sailor Saturn Holly, Magical Boy Grand Gryffindor, Magical Boy Slasher Slytherin, Harry Potter, Magical Girl Veela Vigilante H!, Mahou Shoujo Goth EbonyEnobyN-O-B, Mahou Shoujo Magical Martial Artist Haru Saotome, Em Gee Nudist Rose, Invincible Omni Ion H. James E.P., Crimson Ninja Inferno Halu Uchiwa– suicidal attack on Monsieur Noir, which rendered him unable to hurt or even affect anyone in their alliance, as well as slowly poisoning his soul to cause it to self-destruct…
… lying hidden in a ditch, barely covered by a few uprooted bushes as she and Reiri lay, the self-declared Solar-Vampire gently suckling the blood from the cut on her cheek as the vampire re-grew her legs…
…Molly killing a BFS-Wielder Senseless by shoving one of Ivy's Tactical Atomic Hamsters its mouth. The agony of losing her hand almost made her black out. Thankfully, Haruhi imagined her a new one…
…Reiri giving her a vial of solar-charged blood as a thank-you offering, which came in handy when she had to fight the sentient hemo-manic disco-ball elf Drawde the Coolend…
…everyone lying on the ground around the campfire, staring up at the strange, unfamiliar stars and making up their own constellations. Crimson Binder Codek Kurapika had half-seriously taken notes, and had evolved the navigation and coordination system they used…
…Shining Eternal Friendship Peach and her unfortunately having to give some of the younger girls, like Card Mistress Tsubasa Sakura, Lyrical Nanoha, Unlimited Wandless Hermes Rose, and Keymistress Sparkling Deus Ex Sari, the TALK, while the unfortunate Kitsune Girl Negi and, surprisingly, Omni-Deca Dialer Ben, had done the same for some of the younger boys, and the young at heart, like Magical Boy Blood-Ruby Triassic Connor and Stunning Unlimited Impulse…
…Twilight Ninja Vengeance Sharingan betraying them and nearly getting the Ninja Ops killed. Theater Avenger Sasuke had gone alone to either convert him or kill him, upgrading himself to Kaleido Crimson Sasuke and still barely matching Sharingan's Endless Curse mode. The boy's cries, one anguished, the other raging and defiant, as Kaleido begged Molly to kill them now, while she had the chance, Molly's tears as she used Infinite Cosmos Edge on Bling, feeling the resistance as the chainsaw cut through magic, flesh and bone, the horror as Dark Gauntlet revived their corpses with his Nekros Bracelets…
…the feeling of a hand on hers, and a voice in her ear… "Screw it all… Burn everything…"
"Mommy," Molly said, barely choking the words out as she realized she was crying. "It was horrible…"
The phone rang.
Harry took the excuse to leave the room as she picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"Mister Dresden," a familiar young voice said. "It's… good to hear your voice again. This is Ivy. Please tell Magistra Erebea that a Shippa Senseless got away from me. I need her assistance to track it down and destroy it."
"Crap," Harry muttered. "She wasn't kidding, wasn't she? It's all true."
"Unfortunately, Mister Dresden," Ivy said, and Harry was disturbed by the implications of the fact that her voice sounded no less disturbed than it ever did. "Please give the phone to her. Every moment that passes allows the Senseless to increase its effect on the world."
Gritting his teeth, Harry called into the kitchen. "Molly. It's Ivy. She says she needs your help. Something about a ship?"
There was a sigh. Harry could feel the looks the senior Carpenters were giving him on a actual magical level. He'd felt friendlier entropy curses.
"No rest for the righteous," Molly muttered, then picked up the phone. "Molly here. I'm on my way, Intellectus." She hung up
"Molly," Charity began, sounding a bit lost but with overtones that meant she was winding up.
"I have to go mom," Molly said. "You don't know what these things can do… how they can utterly destroy a world by poisoning causality and reason… Ivy and I are the best chance to stop this." Without waiting for an answer, she thrust her braceleted fist into the air. "Night! Cosmos Power, Burn UP!"
Darkness wrapped around her, and there was a whir of an engine that Harry somehow knew was a chainsaw…
– To be continued...for some bizarre reason…
A/N: This is an extension of a weird idea I had, of one of the Carpenter kids becoming a magical girl, which is an extension of the weird idea that one of them gains the responsibilities of (or responsibilities similar to) a Knight of the Cross (probably Michael's secret fear), which is an extension of the weird idea that one of them becomes partners with a Digimon, along with Helen Beckitt(Demeter)'s comatose daughter (whose name I can't seem to find) and Thomas' (OC) younger brother. It started as a parody and rapidly went nuts. I have no idea where I'm going with this myself. I'm inviting other people to contribute to this idea of weird magical boys and girls…
Magical Girl Pretty Archive Ivy came out of nowhere during writing, though.
The rest of the magical boys and girls just followed after that…
Just a random rant, I find people who explicitly write 'flashback' and 'end of flashback' at the ends of a flashback sequence to be really annoying, especially if they're not limited by font and can use italics (they almost always do as well). It's one of my personal signs of at least a sloppy writer, since a wholly italic text-block after a partition is usually taken as a sign of a point-of-view shift of some kind. Close second are those who feel they need to put in a 'cheat sheet' at the beginning of a chapter to tell people how to tell when a character is thinking or using some special mode of communication. Seriously, if people can't tell without the cheat sheet, you're doing it wrong, or at least very, very badly.
I'll throw in who the magical girls and boys are in the next chap, which I can't resist adding, so in the meantime, see if you can identify them all. All teasing was done with affection, so please don't flame me.
Please review, C&C welcome.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.