A/N: finally thought of a plot for this. TvTropes, dattebayo! Literally!
Hey, if Kyon: Big Damn Heroes could do it…
MAGICAL GIRL MAGISTRA EREBEA MOLLY!
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Disclaimer: The Dresden Files belongs to Jim Butcher, I'm just playing in it. All others besides the story are by their respective creators
Outside, Molly and Ivy were having… difficulties. The annoying thing about fighting this particular kind of Senseless– well, the specific annoying thing of fighting this particular kind of Senseless– was that it was hard to tell if they were having any sort of effect on it. No matter how hard they hit, blasted, slashed, bashed and bombed the thing, it still looked completely healthy, it's movements not at all hampered or hindered. Molly had managed to hamstring it in a particularly risky maneuver that had nearly crushed her leg, but aside from a shower of blood out of a Peckinpah movie, it seemed like nothing had happened at all.
If anything, it was getting faster, pulling off all sorts of insane attacks, such as dropping the moon on them. Both girls had been reduced to dodging a lot now, as the Senseless was attacking too quickly for them to find an opening that wouldn't leave them squashed like bugs.
"Well, this is bad," Molly panted as she and Ivy dodged, alternating. Thankfully, one of the Senseless' own peculiarities was that it could only attack in straight lines, easily predictable. "Got any ideas?"
"One," Ivy panted, dodging a ridiculously colorful and absurd attack that involved Pluto (the dog, not the planet, for some reason), a giant squid, a shark and twenty tons of marshmallows. Her hand darted into his hip-purse, drawing out a flying squirrel, which she threw into the Senseless' face. It howled, pounding randomly and ineffectually at the little mammal. They knew exactly how long this would last. The Senseless was reliable in the predictability of it's timing, if not it's actions. Ivy took the opportunity presented, putting the back of her hand to her forehead in the classic gesture of helplessness and crying loudly. "Oh, woe is me! It's a million to one chance, but only a Deus Ex Machina can save us now!"
The cry came just after the crash of an inconvenient wall being made to go away as a crackling form wreathed in electricity jumped out, a long mane of hair flowing behind it like a tail as a more literal tail peaked out from a jail-baitishly short skirt, revealing just a hint of underwear. Long, thigh-high stockinged legs clad only in cute white socks and slippers scissored and spun at the speed of light, and the Senseless was suddenly knocked back as the helicopter-like attack hit, sending it reeling.
Their conveniently timed savior landed in front of them in a slightly animalistic crouch, fox ears twitching, nails elongated into claws. "Girls," she said in greeting, glaring at the Senseless who was slowly getting to his feet. "One of you might want to go up there to back up Soulfire-chan. I'll handle this."
"Are you sure?" Molly said, as Ivy hopped up to the hole in the wall, mallet in hand.
"I'm sure," Magister Magi Kitsune Girl Negius Springfieldus said, energy crackling around her as her legs tensed beneath her. "I'll try to expose it's back, you go for the spine of neck. It can only deny causality for so long."
"And if that doesn't work?" Molly said as sounds of enthusiastic violence echoed from Lara's office.
"Finish him," Negi said, in the exact intonation of a certain video game.
Molly held Bling in her hands, twisting the handle somehow, and two small, narrower chainsaws whirred in her grip. She thanked that princess friend of Reiri's who'd given her dual-wielding lessons as she prepared to circle around. "Let's kill this sucker…"
Harry kept her blasting wand– definitely a wand, what with all the bells and whistles on it, though thankfully not literally– leveled at the Shippa Senseless, trying to keep both her and Lara covered. Even with– or perhaps especially because– of the pseudo-love whammy haze she'd slapped on Lara, the White Court Vampire was glaring at Harry with alert, protective eyes, keeping herself between the Magical Girl and the Senseless.
"I promise to love you every moment of forever," Lara said deliriously, moving like a drunk getting ready to go boxing.
Harry-chan sighed. "Lara, I get the feeling you are going to hate me for keeping you alive after this."
The Senseless sneered. "Fyuliz UUishardz," she said. "Yooz derz tinkz yuz cans ztrykz meez do–"
Behind her, Ivy leapt screaming through the hole in the wall, her mallet rising to bash the back of the Senseless' head in. There was a wet crunchy sound not unlike a bow of cereal being crushed under an anvil, and a shower of rainbow colored blood, piss, bubbles and Hello Kitty symbols floated out of the wound.
"DIE, YOU ABOMINATION AGAINST NATURE, DIE!" Ivy cried as her mallet began to rise and fall like Mario's in the original Donkey Kong. "DIE! DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH GARBAGEI'VE HAD CRAMMED INTO MY HEAD BECAUSE OF YOU THINGS? DIE DIE DIE!"
Lara gave a cry of surprise and tried to rush to the fallen Senseless' aid. Harry snapped up a modified shield spell, creating a shining silver wall for the vampire to crash into. She bounced, off, beginning to batter at the wall ineffectually as Ivy, still in a homicidal rage, really got into the rhythm of things, her mallet coming up and down with workmanlike regularity. Outside, the whirl of dual chainsaws and anti-army spells mixed with random catchphrases that made absolutely no sense in any context, finally culminating in an agonized scream and a ten-minute soliloquy going on about THIS WAS IMPOSSIBLE, I AM INVINCIBLE!
Finally, the Senseless stopped moving, and Ivy quickly leapt off its back, her mallet covered from the head to halfway down the shaft with the various absurd fluids the Senseless inevitably had inside them. She had to be quick, because the Senseless metamorphosed into a pile of manure afterwards.
Lara began to blink, not in any confusion, but simply in reaction to finally being properly reconnected to her body. Outside, bad poetry readings were replaced by various sounds of embarrassment and in some cases screams of utter terror as people realized they were dangerously close to being intimate with a member of the White Court. She looked between the fur-clad Archive, at the two unconscious men on the floor, at the hole in the wall, at her disturbed desk, and at all the glitter she'd been covered with. She plucked the flower that had been stuck into her hair. "Why," she said, "is there a big pile of crap on my floor?"
Harry-chan pointed at Ivy. "She did it."
Ivy, pinching her nose with her free hand, looked at Lara as seriously as someone holding that pose could be. "There's a very good explanation for all this, Lady Raith…"
Harry woke to find himself looking at a really hot teenaged girl who looked kinda like his mother. For some reason, the air smelled like crap.
She promptly hit the top of his head with a short stick. "None of that. We have more than enough problems already without weird sexual subtext getting into everything. Get up."
Harry got shakily to his feet, feeling a dull throb on his head from it being hit really hard by someone else's head, but when he lifted up his hand there was no bump, nothing tender. His eyes fell on the vaguely human-shaped pile of excrement and he nearly threw up.
"Yeah, you get use to it," the girl said, nose crinkled in distaste as she pulled a kerchief tied around her neck up to cover her nose. "Come on, everyone's in the next room. Lara wants to talk to you."
"Oh, joy," Harry muttered as he held his own nose, following the girl. His keen detective senses took note of her glowing-rune covered coat, the gun at her belt– also with lots of glowing runes– the spurs that clicked on her feet, and pulled a close-to-home conclusion. "Let me guess. You're like Molly and Ivy?"
"You could say that," she said dryly. "In here…"
It looked like some kind of sitting room. There were sofas, chairs, bookshelves, big windows, curtains, lamps and, this being Raith central, expensive paintings and weapons on the walls. Ivy sat on one chair, her mallet now heavily stained with things Harry didn't want to identify, resting on the back of a raccoon on the floor. Kincaid stood behind her, grim, serious and slightly embarrassed. Molly stood on the other side of the room, her stance making it clear she was covering the area behind Ivy, and now wielding two smaller chainsaws which both smelled strongly of ketchup and spaghetti sauce. Next to her stood a much younger girl with long red hair, fox ears, a tail of a similar zoological source, thigh-high socks, and an absurdly short skirt on an outfit that looked like some kind of severely truncate kimono. The sleeves had apparently thieved the skirt, being absurdly long and cover her hands.
"Hey Harry, Soulfire," Molly said, waving a chainsaw in greeting and making her companion duck even though it wasn't on. "Welcome to absurd exposition central. Have a seat. Try the pie."
"There's pie?" Harry said, opting to stand, staff gripped tightly in hand.
"Well, no, we just like saying that," Molly said. "We were just finished telling Lara about the Senseless."
"It is absurd," Lara said, glaring at Ivy, who smiled serenely. "While I can credit that we were all somehow… attacked… and made to act out of character–"
"Which should be leaving you on the floor as a brain-scrambled mess," Molly pointed out. "Instead, you're seriously debating this with us. Empty night woman, you SAW the Senseless turn into a pile of crap! Unless the properties of ectoplasm have changed a lot since I last heard?"
"It's absurd," Lara insisted. "It's impossible. Reality does not work like that! To think a being can cause causality itself to decay? Ridiculous!"
"You sound suspiciously like normal people do when they're faced wit the supernatural," the girl Harry supposed was Soulfire– and why did that tickle at him for some reason beyond the obvious reference to angelic fire?– said, putting both hands into the pockets of her duster and arching her back as if leaning. "Next you'll try to rationalize it, then pretend you just remembered it wrong, and in a little while you'll deny it ever happened. Next you'll be saying vampires don't exist."
Lara glared at her. "Exactly who do you think you are, girl?"
Soulfire glanced briefly at Harry for some reason, then raised an eyebrow at Molly.
"Go for it," Molly said, grinning evilly. "It's always fun to see the reactions."
Ivy reached into her purse and pulled out a small puppy with a telephoto lens sticking out of its mouth. "Ready!" she said cheerfully as Kincaid eyed the device in askance behind her.
Soulfire shrugged and stepped a little off to the side, her coat suddenly flaring out as she twirled, energy rushing from her. Lara and Harry jerked in surprise at the surge of energy, which felt very strange to the wizard's senses and actually caused a small wind to blow through the room. There was a moment when Soulfire's body seemed to be a naked silhouette of light, a moment of blinking as the light receded and…
Harry's jaw dropped, staring. The other Harry grinned at him, pushing back his hat. "Yo."
"Two Harry Dresdens," Lara said tonelessly, the way a severely traumatized person does. "Hunger help us all. It's a sign of the apocalypse."
Ivy gleefully took pictures.
The still-unnamed fox-girl coughed nervously. "Um, actually…"
Molly slapped a hand to her face, nearly braining herself with one of her chainsaws. "Oh Lords of Outer Night, don't tell me we actually have another Buffy-damned apocalypse to deal with again!"
"Okay, we won't," previously-a-girl!Harry said.
Molly glared at him. Her chainsaws spontaneously whirred to life.
"Hey, easy there grasshopper," previously-a-girl!Harry said, raising his hands placatingly.
"He calls me 'grasshopper', dood," Molly said. then she blinked, staring at her mentor. "Harry? You all right?"
"Rule 63 shock," Ivy said matter-of-factly. "It's fried his brain. To reboot I suggest kicking him."
Previously-a-girl!Harry considered this and kicked him.
"OW!" Harry cried, hopping on his unkicked leg. "Hells bells–!"
"And he's back," Molly said. Then she turned to the foxgirl. "You were saying about the apocalypse, Negius?"
"Hey, I thought we weren't–" previously-a-girl!Harry began. Any further words were cut off by a ball of black energy that knocked his hat off his head.
Negius– seriously, what kind of name was that?– looked up at her seriously. "They've found it, Molly-chan. At least, found out where it is. It's somewhere here, on this Earth. The Tourney Old Man was trying to get the info to the Shippa since it was the one they had stationed here."
Ivy and Molly grew still. "Fuck on a pogostick," Ivy said succinctly
Harry didn't know whether to boggle at the language or just get lost in all the crazy. He opted for trying to make sense of things. "Found what?" he demanded. Lara leaned forward, obviously wanting to know as well.
"The Tropernomicron," Negius said grimly.
A dark, dramatic silence fell over the room.
"We have no idea what that means," Lara said.
- To be continued...
A/N: Unfortunately, there were no barons in this chapter. Perhaps next time?
Please review, C&C welcome.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.