Disclaimer: J.K.R has yet to give me any rights to the Harry Potter franchise...thus, this remains nothing but non-paid fun.
The Author's Note
"You look surprised."
"Well, yes, I assure you I am."
"I can't blame you. You always react this way."
"Always…what? What do you mean always?"
"Well, it's a terribly long explanation and I'm rather eager to get on with this, so to cut it short; I'm writing a story, and you're the lead character. It's fanfiction I'm afraid. Hmmm…by the looks of you, I've caught you in the middle of hunting for horcruxes again. I'm terribly sorry, but at least you're getting a break from angst-filled Harry and team-desertion Ron. But yes, you always pop in here when the ideas come, and of course you're always utterly confused.
"Horcruxes? How did you know? Wait, a story? You're writing about me? Is this some odd kind of magic?"
"Yes, a story, yes, about you, magic? Perhaps…after all, a good story does bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses."
"'Bewitch the mind, ensnare the senses,' good Merlin, you sound just like Professor Snape!"
"Yes, I rather image I do."
"Wait, did you say I'm a book character? What about Professor Snape? Why are you laughing?"
"You are always full of questions. Yes, you're a book character…considering your proclivity, isn't that delicious irony? Oh, there's a kettle on the stove, make yourself some tea, this is about to get extremely interesting, now that you've brought up Severus."
"A book character… You call him Severus?"
"What mischievous enchantment is this?"
"Miss Granger! What are you doing here; where is here?"
"I'm not entirely sure sir…you'll have to ask…her."
"You may call me Valkyrie, my dear Potions Master. Now please put your wand away, I assure you it will have no effect on me. Oh, and to cut you off at the pass, as it were, I am a writer, you are a character, though not my own creation, sadly. I am concocting a story in which you feature rather prominently, thus your sudden appearance here. Magic? Maybe. Mischief? Most definitely."
"A character? What sort of madness are you spouting? What are you talking about you insipid woman?"
"Honestly, must we do this every time? Also, can you two try to arrive together at least once? It will save me loads of explaining. Severus, go over to that bookshelf and have a look. You go too Hermione. You'll see seven books, 'Harry Potter and the fill in the blank,' give the back jackets a quick read…you snarky man…"
"What was that?"
"Nothing, nothing. Let me know when you've figured it out loves."
"You've both been at the shelf a while now…are you both sufficiently satisfied? May we get on with the writing?"
"This is rather a lot for a person to take in all at once. I'm a book character, a fictional creation according to you! No. Surely this must be a dream. Yes, that's all this is."
"Fine, a dream, whatever moves this along and makes you willing to acquiesce me."
"Not so fast, madam author. If I am to be placed in a 'story,' I demand to know to what ends you are reaching!"
"Well Severus, if you must know…and you always must, it's a romance. Stop staring at me. Get your hand out of your pocket. I already told you the wand will do you no good."
"Wait, wait just a minute. A r-romance? A romance? W-w-why is he here then? You said I was the lead character and if he's here and nobody else is…surely, you don't mean…you wouldn't!"
"Drink your tea Hermione. Trust me on this one, you're always quite blissful in the end, both of you."
"Her! HER! You are writing a romance featuring myself and the insufferable, golden girl of Gryffindor? Are you barmy? I'm her Professor, I'm a Death-Eater, an old…er man! Besides the fact that, well, I would just never-"
"She's not your student in my story…and we're all well aware of your duplicitous role in the war. She's in her thirties and your colleague and you have loads in common. Honestly! Why can't you ever just come quietly Snape?"
"She's naught but a teen-"
"OH! OH MY!"
"Yes Miss Granger, you've aged and yes your clothing is far more suited to an adult witch of your position and yes that is a wry gleam in Severus' eye at your sudden change in appearance."
"You impertinent woman! I do not have a 'wry gleam'!"
"Then stop looking at her like you'd like to take her to the nearest broom closet, you impossible man."
"How dare you! Besides, my heart was quite irrevocably shattered in my youth. Trust it won't resume its beating for the likes of Herm-Miss Granger!"
"I assure you it will. You're older and wiser now too. Yes, you can thank me later that I haven't given you grey hair or the typical middle-aged paunch. Plus, you actually pay a bit of attention to personal grooming now that you've got the time. Oh, and as far as Lily, you let that angst-filled obsession go after the defeat of Voldemort and your subsequent service to the cause, you reluctant hero, you."
"I most thoroughly hate you."
"You usually do for the first few chapters. You know I'm right though…I'm the author. Think of me as Albus Dumbledore with a god complex."
"Good sweet Merlin!"
"I know, terrifying."
"Hermione, dear, you haven't said much, come have a seat, bring your tea."
"W-What about Ron?"
"Bless your heart, you're still in shock. Here, let me lay it out for you. Ron…Hermione, I love Ron, I do. He's a great character and heavens, I can't ever begrudge a redhead, but do you really want to be Molly Weasley 2.0? I don't mean that as an insult to Molly at all mind you. She's fantastic and I'd love to write about her sometime. I mean, Bella…well, she didn't know what hit her! It's just…I never pictured you as the overwhelmingly domestic type. Which, let's face it; with Ron, sweet though he may be, your life will consists of cooking enormous meals, birthing a litter of children, and endless discussions about the Chudley Cannons."
"Oh…well, I…a litter? Oh my…"
"Stop smirking Severus, at least she makes it to the epilogue…such as it is."
"What do you mean 'makes it to the epilogue,' Miss Valkyrie."
"Well, you're mentioned in it…posthumously."
"I know, terrible isn't it? What can you do? It's canon. Oh gosh! Severus, please, sit down, I forgot how you react to the news! Let me get you a bit of Crown. Hermione, grab that newspaper on the table there and give him a fan if you would."
"Here, does that help? It's no Ogden's I'm sure, but it'll hopefully suffice."
"He dies? He really dies?"
"As if you would care, Miss Granger."
"I'd care Professor."
"I'm a murderer you know."
"No, it was mercy…he asked you to-wait? How do I know this?"
"Oh, well, I write you much older than you were when you got here so of course your knowledge has been altered to accommodated that fact."
"By Merlin, you're the one that saved me in the shack! Stayed at my bedside…"
"See, I knew it'd hit him too…eventually. He's always much more cantankerous than you. Well, you both seem to be coming along nicely now. I'll have to think of some kind of charming scenario in which to place you and how to make you realize you're so perfectly suited for each other."
"I still fail to see how I could be perfectly suited for the chit."
"Really Severus, use that dazzling intellect of yours. She's your intellectual equal with an absolute greed for knowledge, can be as snarky as you when she wants, an avid reader, downright Slytherin at times, and while, she's no pageant queen, no offense Hermione, she's certainly lovely in her own way."
"Well, I…she…perhaps she is all of those things, but still, I-"
"Yes, I know. Shut up."
"But what about me? I'm to be with…with Snape, I mean, a hero, yes, but Snape!"
"You think of me as a hero?"
"Of course, I do…a difficult one, but a hero all the same… Oh! Didn't she tell you to shut up Severus? Goodness! I mean Professor-"
"Oh, no, don't go back…you two will get down to calling each other by your given names at some point, now's as good a time as any. Also, Hermione, you're a smart girl, after the whole Lockheart fiasco, I hardly think you're looking for the blond knight on the white horse. Give ol' Sev; don't glare at me Severus. Anyway, give ol' Sev the once over. He's not handsome in bronze god way, but he's got some kind of dark, brooding elegance that you find irresistibly attractive. Also, he's sardonically funny, got a mind like a razor's edge; he's fiercely loyal, and you know underneath that black-hearted façade, he's quite the romantic. Oh, did I mention that voice? Imagine that reading you a bedtime story, just saying."
"Well…when you…I mean, Severus, my…a bedtime story you say?"
"See? And you Severus, you find that demure little blush quite enticing, don't you?"
"Right, good. Would you stop glaring at me Severus! I know you never expect your sudden declaration of feelings, though you ALWAYS do it. Great, well, seems you're both coming along swimmingly. You two talk, I'll just settle myself back at the computer then. Now, setting, bookshop? No. Hogwarts? Eh, to begin with I suppose, but let's incorporate some travel. Muggle London, Cairo, The States, any preferences? You two sure are quiet. I suppose that means you'll be alright letting me get on with this now that you've seen it my way? …Severus? Hermione? Oh good grief! I usually don't have you two snogging like that until much later chapters! Honestly, you're both impossible…I might as well just start off 'once upon a time'."
AN: The actual Author's note! I believe this is just one pipe short of a crackfic. Welcome to what my brain does to me at four am. Pure silliness. Please review, review, review! :)