Disclaimer: I don't own APH, or the style of this story.
A/N: another rewriiite. this one was a late birthday present for my dear Binhead. 3 and headcanon is fused here - instead of there being a North Korea, whom Himaruya currently hasn't drawn, Yong-Soo is just a schizo.
YONG-SOO IM: User Guide and Manual
CONGRATULATIONS! For some reason, you have just purchased your very own YONG-SOO IM unit! This manual was made in order for you, the owner, to understand how to extract the very best of your unit. And believe us, you will need this manual.
Name: Yong-Soo Im/Im Yong-Soo. Will respond to "South Korea", "North Korea", "Korea", "Older Brother", "Yong-soo-oppa", "Yong-soo-hyung", and indirectly to "Pedophile"; if in Nationalist mode, (s)he will reply to "Hwa-Jeong", "Sister", "North Korea", and "Bitch".
Place of Manufacture: Seoul, Korea
Weight: 135 lbs
Length: Longer than you'd expect
Your YONG-SOO IM unit comes with the following:
One (1) navy blue and white hanbok
One (1) art notepad
One (1) CD recording of "Arirang"*
Three (3) Korean drama DVDs
Four (4) jars of kimchi*
Your YONG-SOO IM unit is equipped with the following traits:
Male Model: Want to show off your unit to the world, or just in need of some cash? Well, send your YONG-SOO IM unit the nearest modeling agency, and watch him work magic!
Mangaka/Professional Art Teacher: Always wanted to learn how to draw? If you can sit through his lessons, we guarantee that you'll soon become the artist you always wished you could be!
Stalker: If you have a major crush on that cute boy next door, but he is terrified of you, never fear! Just send your unit after him, and you'll soon have all the photos you need.
Babysitter: He doesn't look it, but your unit is great with kids. Just don't leave them with him for too long; we are not responsible for any complaints filed by the parents of children he babysat.
Substitute Guardian: Trying to make a point to that ridiculous landlady, neighbor or teacher? Just sic your YONG-SOO IM unit on 'em, and watch your opponent run for their life!"
Removal of your YONG-SOO IM from Packaging
This is actually a much harder task than you may think. If you wake your unit incorrectly, then you will never hear the end of it; if you move him before he is completely awake, then you might accidentally make him hate you. To avoid the aforementioned scenarios, we have provided a list of safe ways in which you can awaken your unit:
1. Stand next to the box, preferably prepared to block flying box lids, and say either, "Aru!" or, "Desu." Your YONG-SOO IM will manage to sidekick or palm the box lid off and get up, and you must immediately reprogram him lest he grope you in the belief that you are one of his brothers.
2. Take either the CD recording of "Arirang", or one of the provided drama DVDs, and play them loudly. If using the CD, you will hear humming and sometimes singing from the box, and it is safe to remove the top; if you play the dramas, then you will hear irritated grunting caused by your unit's annoyance at missing the drama. You can then remove the top as well, though he will probably jump up and shock you before running to the television or computer where the drama is playing.
3. Open a jar of the provided kimchi and set it on a plate. Use a fan or other such machine to waft the smell towards the box. You can also do this with a plate of boolnak jungol* or spiced jjol myun*. This route will make your YONG-SOO IM hungry and he will whine for food until you feed him.
4. Mispronounce Korean. Say, "Annyeonghaseyo!" as terribly as you can manage. This will result in a lengthy Korean pronunciation lesson from your unit, who will jump up violently when he hears you speak.
5. Open the box and poke your unit's curl. He will shudder and wake up, and he might be horny, so you probably want to watch out.
Upon waking your YONG-SOO IM, or calming him down again, you will have the option to reprogram him from his normal modes.
The YONG-SOO IM comes in his default Happy-go-lucky mode, which unfortunately has Touchy as an add on. He will try to grope you at every living moment, and whether you are a girl with large breasts or a flat-chested boy, you'll want to watch out: staff warns us that it is extremely hard to get your YONG-SOO IM off once he has latched on to your (possibly non-existant) breasts. If he suddenly yells, "Your breasts belong to me!" then do not be alarmed; this is a sign of his default modes. He is also known to finish his sentences with, "Da-ze!"
The Drunk mode is simple to gain: keep him drunk, and you will have a blast. YONG-SOO IM is a hard drinker, and he has a very high alcohol metabolism and a taste for drinking games. Big Liar* is a very fun game to play with him, and he is guaranteed to make any parties of yours enjoyable. Be careful, though: he is underage in the United States and some other countries, so don't get caught. We, the creators of this unit, are not responsible for any claims filed against you, for whatever reason.
The Whiny mode is also simple. If you ignore him for about twenty minutes, or just forget to make dinner or go grocery shopping, then your YONG-SOO IM will start whining and exaggerating about how you starve him. He might disappear for a while, probably to bother a KIKU HONDA or a YAO WANG for food. He will return in an hour or so.
The Horny mode can be accessed by letting him grope you, or suggesting it. It's very simple.
The Dramatic mode is locked as well, and is unadvised because your unit will do nothing but sit in the corner and sigh. To get him into it is by showing him a set of binoculars; to get him out of it is by making him any sort of Korean cuisine.
Finally, his Nationalist mode entails quite a bit of history: since there is only one embodiment of Korea, YONG-SOO IM's mind is split into the dreams and ideals of both North and South, causing his schizophrenia. Therefore, Nationalist is basically the North Korean part of your unit's mind. In this mode, he will refer to himself as female and Hwa-Jeong Im. (Referring to your unit as anything apart from the okay-ed nicknames listed under TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS will get you killed. Painfully. With chopsticks.) While in this mode, your unit will be extremely violent, prone to fits, and extremely charismatic; she will ask for IVAN BRAGINSKI's company, and will get along with him swimmingly. It is not uncommon for her to sit down and write frantically in Korean, all the while grinning brokenly and mumbling about a "secure" life and weeding out any impurities. Nationalist is unlocked by either showing your unit one too many war documentaries, letting him play too many violent games, or neglecting him over a period of a week. He can be reverted to his normal mode by cooking him yakgwa*.
Relationships with Other Units
YAO WANG: Your unit has a long history with YAO WANG, leading back to YONG-SOO IM's childhood. When hungry or tired, your unit is known to go off in search of a YAO WANG unit, and when he's happy he often speaks about the days when he would grope his "older brother" or how much fun they had.
KIKU HONDA: YONG-SOO IM appears to hate this unit, but KIKU HONDA likes him a bit and will sometimes try to fix their relations. Truthfully, YONG-SOO IM adores the other unit, but he'll never admit it.
IVAN BRAGINSKI: Geographically, these two share a border and so have known each other for years. They do not interact much, though if they do speak then they are very friendly. IVAN BRAGINSKI and a YONG-SOO IM in Nationalist mode have a possible romance.
ALFRED F. JONES: Your unit likes him a fair bit for assistance in the Korean War, but isn't overly fond of him due to most ALFRED F. JONES units referring to YONG-SOO IM as a "FOB"*.
Your unit is fully capable of cleaning himself, though he does prefer bathing with others. There is no danger in bathing with him, though he might try and grope you.
YONG-SOO IM is lazy, and hence prefers for others to cook him food. He can survive off kimchi and rice, though he will hate you if that is all you feed him. It is advised to occasionally make him sweets, or give him foreign foods.
Your unit loves to sleep, but he also loves to party. It is up to you how long you will have him rest, because he will generally listen to you.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: My YONG-SOO IM unit is killing my computer! How can I stop this?
A: He is probably searching through the internet for more dramas to watch, and downloading from insecure sites. We suggest putting a long password on your computer and monitoring his time on it.
Q: My YONG-SOO IM lost his hanbok, and now he's refusing to wear anything!
A: The Korean spirit in your unit makes him want to always wear hanbok. You can call Customer Services and request a new hanbok, or purchase one from another store. You can make him one as well, if you have the talent.
Q: My unit flushes if I accidentally touch his curl. Why?
A: His curl is his erogenous zone. Touching it will make him break down and probably try and rape you; if he fails, he will run off in search of a YAO WANG or KIKU HONDA.
Problem: The YONG-SOO IM you received is tiny. Other than that, he's exactly the way he should be.
Solution: We've sent you a LITTLE!KOREA on accident. He is really no different than the normal YONG-SOO IM unit, but he just poses less risk of accidental law-breaking. If you don't want him, call Customer Services and we'll sort it out.
With the proper treatment and enough kimchi, your YONG-SOO IM unit will be a valuable companion. We hope you enjoy your time with him, and good luck!
A/N: rewrite two
*Arirang - arguably, the most known Korean folk song.
*Kimchi - a wonderfully yummy Korean food. It's like thin strips of cabbage and bean sprout soaked in this yummy spicy sauce, and it's great with Korean BBQ.
*Substitute Guardian - a joke on the fact that I've very rarely won an argument against a pure Korean. And I win against almost anyone else. But seriously, you don't wanna argue with a Korean, because they'll just overkill your dignity. :(
*Boolnak jungol - this kind of Korean food I've never tasted, but which looks ridiculously good. It's like octopus and noodle and YUMLOOKING.
*Jjol myun - this yummy stuff. It's like basically a less-spicy version of the sauce from kimchi, with these rice noodles soaked in it and served hot, unlike the chilled kimchi. It's goooooood.
*Big Liar - a very fun (drinking) game that I, being underage, play with Coke. It's like...you have a few bottles of alcohol, and then you have someone tell two stories: one's true, one's false. Then everyone else chooses a story, and if they chose the false one then they have to drink a penalty glass of alcohol. With Coke, you do the same thing, except that you can't go to the bathroom until you've drained a few liters - so like, you practically die from an overfull bladder.
*FOB - "Fresh off the Boat", the term for foreigners who 1) don't speak English, 2) speak bad English, 3) speak their own language when in packs at like, public places, 4) have thick accents. In the States, practically every foreigner is called a FOB if they can't speak proper English.
*Yakgwa - it's like a Korean sweet that supposedly tastes like gingersnap cookies. I dunno, I've never had.