Have a Fantastic Period
Chakotay and the other males find out what happens when cycles align and men's deadliest enemy takes over the ship; women with hormones.
By Emiliana Keladry
Disclaimer: Star Trek- Voyager isn't mine, sadly.
Author's note: This story was the thoughtfulness of me and my best friend. It's slightly based on "Have a Fantastic Period", part of the british comedy Red Dwarf, which you can look up on youtube. Enjoy!
Captain Kathryn Janeway sat at her desk, drinking a hot cup of black coffee and reading through the most recent status report. They were traveling through a quite uneventful part of space, which didn't help her mood. It was… that time of the month. The calendar was giving her that evil look again. She groaned, not enjoying the tightness in her stomach and her head was pounding. It was almost time to go to the Doctor for some medicine to make her feel better. Sometimes she hated being a woman. The door chimed and she wished that she could throw something at the door to make the person go away.
"Come in," she snapped, trying to keep the edge out of her voice and failing.
Chakotay came in with a smile on his face and a report in his hand. "Read anything interesting? You look bored," he laughed.
"I brought you the reports from Engineering. B'Elanna wasn't in the best mood and I volunteered to bring them to you."
Kathryn put out her hand, not bothering to stand up. Chakotay handed it to her, not sure what to think. His captain didn't look well. He stood before her for another minute before she looked up at him with a frown on her face.
"Is there something else I can help you with?" she hissed.
"No. Is something bothering you, Kathryn?"
"No," Captain Janeway growled. "You're dismissed."
The commander quickly exited the Ready Room and halted at Tuvok's station. He rubbed his hand on his chin, getting the Vulcan's attention. He paused what he was doing, giving one momentary look towards the Captain's location. Chakotay glanced around the Bridge, deciding to keep his voice low.
"Have you noticed anything strange today?"
"Commander, time has aligned the cycles. You must tread carefully," Tuvok responded, keeping his eyes on his console.
"What cycles?" Chakotay asked.
"Menstruation, bleeding, period, in the rag, get the red gift, mother nature, God's curse, the red death, the dot, manhood's death, the monthly, monthlies, one's friend, a visit from Aunt Flo—"
"I get it," the man interrupted. "Does this mean that every female on the ship is experiencing this all at the same time?"
"Evidentially," Tuvok stated.
"Should I go to red alert?"
The Vulcan simply raised one eye-brow in response, causing Chakotay to smile.
"I would suggest that you be cautious."
"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind."
Chakotay returned to his chair, giving a glance towards where the Captain was hiding. If every female on the ship was experiencing the same thing… this could be a danger to the crew. Well, a danger to all males on Voyager. The turbo lift opened and there was the sound of a groan. Turning, Chakotay saw Harry enter the bridge. His face was pale and he didn't look well. Ensign Kim went over to his station and went to work. Chakotay went back to his work, considering asking Harry if he needed to go to sickbay. He didn't get the chance for there was a loud thump as Harry collapsed.
"Harry!" Chakotay exclaimed, hurrying over to him.
He groaned, his eyes rolling his eyes back into his head.
"Chakotay to sickbay, medical emergency on the bridge! We need to transport Harry to sickbay immediately."
There was a blue light and Harry disappeared.
"Tuvok, you have the bridge," Chakotay ordered, getting into the turbo lift.
Chakotay made his way quickly to sickbay. He walked past a female crewmember in an argument and another female crying. Upon entering sickbay he found the Doctor scanning Harry. The ensign was sitting up and puking into a bowl. The Doctor motioned for Chakotay to stay back, patting his patient on the shoulder once before leaving the force field.
"It appears that he's contracted the stomach flu. I treated Naomi Wildman for the same thing this morning. He'll be fine in a few hours. I inoculated Samantha Wildman, but I didn't know that someone else had contact with Naomi this morning. It appears that Ensign Kim had breakfast with her. Scrambled eggs and pancakes to be exact."
Chakotay grimaced at the thought. "Should we inoculate the rest of the crew?"
"I can have something prepared in a little bit if you thinks it's that big of a deal. I can contact Captain Janeway for her opinion on the matter."
The first officer thought about this for a moment. Kathryn was already angry and this would not improve her mood to know of a minor health risk for her crew, especially one that would leave them staring at their breakfast again.
"Doctor… I don't think that this is a good time to let the Captain know about this… she's having a certain problem," Chakotay muttered.
"Menstruation," the Doctor said plainly.
Harry spit out the water he'd been drinking to clean his mouth out. It sprayed all down his shirt. Now he smelled like vomit and he had water everywhere. The Doctor fetched a towel for the ensign and walked back over to Chakotay, putting a smile on his face.
"It's a completely natural part of life… well, for women it's natural. If you had the same problem, I'd be worried. I'm guessing that Tuvok informed you that all the females on the ship have aligned cycles. It happens when women remain together for extended periods of time. It can just take a while for them to line up."
"Is there anything I can do to make her less unhappy?" the man asked.
"I've actually been studying females and their anatomy. I've developed a holodeck program that will inform males not to treat a woman during her 'monthlies'. It would be wonderful if I could test it on the males of Voyager. They could surely benefit from this lesson before I end up with several male patients suffering from hormone attacks from B'Elanna or other members of the crew. I'd be very willing to share my insights," the Doctor exclaimed.
"That sounds like a great plan Doctor, thank you. What program is it?"
"It's EMH Alpha One. Make sure you recommend it to every crew member in need!"
Chakotay grinned. "I will, thanks Doctor." He walked a few steps closer to Harry, noting that his face was still pale and his lips had a greenish tinge. The commander was grateful that the smell was contained by the force field. "Feel better Harry."
"Thanks Commander, good luck dealing with the Captain," Mr. Kim responded, looking like he was going to be sick again.
"I'll need it. See you later Doc."
The commander exited sickbay, feeling a little bit better about what the day would bring. He went straight to the holodeck and planned on warning his fellow males before things got worse. In sickbay, the Doctor put down the force field and took the puke bowl to be cleaned. Harry wiped the make-up off his face, grinning at the Doctor. The two bustled around the room, leaving out different medical equipment and bandages. Everything was falling into place with their plan.
"Nice work Mr. Kim," the Doctor complimented. "You almost even tricked me."
"Thanks Doc. Next time, don't talk about scrambled eggs and pancakes in puke… that almost made me actually sick."
"It's time for stage two… Operation Have a Fantastic Period."
To be continued...
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