Be kind with me, i didn't revise this, correct any of it, + i'm quite drunk. I came back to my older style, i like it way more than the last i published, please look at it and tell me what you think of this.
Damn its dark,
Damn its cold.
Should've put on something more warm than just a hoodie, but i wasn't planning on being out so long.
I was scared, that's all. I wish i could tell him why. He feels betrayed, of course he does.
I left our dream job, at the moment where things were looking up for me. And not once was he jaleous of my sucess. He was only appy for me. He assumed i needed time to myself. But the truth is i needed time away from him.
And not that i signed with TNA, he understands that what i'm doing he fleeing as far as i can from him. He doesn't know why, but i guess he can see in the way i act that i don,t want to be near him anymore. I just can't stand it.
Thinking about it, disgust toward myself rises inside me in a chill and i feel like i might scream.
I never asked for this to happen. Everyone always thought i was weird, different. They could never even imagine how screwed up i am. I always been to close with him. Always had a sens of posession towards him. But it wasn't until he started dating Amy that i really understood what was happening to me.
At first i was so freaked out, i fled anyway i could. Anything i could find. Music, drug, alcohol, sex, name it. But in the end, it made no difference to what i was feeling.
I really tried to kill it Matt, i swear. But it's inside me, it's ap art of me, maybe its even what makes me who i am. Since i can't tell you, since i'm so afraid of you running from me if you ever knew, i shut myself up, and it end up killing me slowly. I had to get away. I had to have a reason not to see you as much, not the smell you, touch you, and not being able of doing what i really want. I'm protecting my heart from breaking in million of piece, torning it beyond repair. I prefer loving you in silence than being hated for loving you.
My train of thought is cut off by the sounds of someone running behind me.
I turn around to see long brown curls, broad chest, mesmerizing eyes.
- Jeff dammnit! What the hell? Been looking for you around townfor more than hour!
- I never asked you to go after me.
- Will you tell me whats happening? I feel like you're running away from me. I mean, you were champion man! You left it all just to get away from me? Really?
- I did.
His eyes widened, his cheeks get a little red, he's getting pissed off now.
- Why the fuck would you want to flee your own brother?
- I have my reasons ok? Leave me thee fuck alone.
- Well that seems to be what you want, right? Me as far from you as possible?
Without me prevent it, wich is stupid, i should've seen it coming, i get violently tackled on the hard concrete of the street. My back hurt it so hard i let out a scram of pain. He got on the top of me, holding me down strongly, his hands on my shoulders.
He said, his voice hoarse, harsh and definitely mad as hell,
You're gonna tell me what the fuck is wrong with you!
I'm starting to tear up. That's exactly what i wanted to avoid. He's right. Something is more than wrong with me.
You don't want to know, Matt, really.
His jaw clinched and he swung a big right fist directly on my nose. I yell this time, fuck, this hurt, he probably just broke my fucking nose,fuck!
Tell me now or i swear you're nose is not the only thing getting broken tonight!
That's it a tears run down my cheek, medling with the blood dripping from my nose.
-I love you Matt.
- I love you too Jeff, but i'm pretty pissed now so you better talk.
- You don't understand, do you?
- Well you better start fucking explaining!
- Thats the thing Matt, this is the problem.
- What is the damn problem?
- That i love you dammnit! Don't you get it?
- What do you...
He stops his question short. He just understood, his eyes get more big that I've ever seen them.
Its... That's a joke, right?
I'm sobbing now , reaching my face with my hand to grab my head, my brain hurts so bad, from the fall and the emotion.
No... It's not... I... I'm so sorry Matt...You can't even imagine i never wanted to..
Shut up! You mean you... ah!
He gets as quickly as he can on his feet, and talk as he's already getting away from me still looking me with disbelief and something that looks more and more like utter disgust.
-I can't believe you just said that...
- That's why i wanted to get away Matt, to avoid this...
- You should've go more far? You should have hide someplace where anybody would ever know how sick you are, Jeff!
Ouch. I hadn't planned on it to be that painful.
-Matt, please can we just forget i even said anything? Please
Great. I'm begging on top of that!
I... That's something i can't do Jeff this is too...Too screwed up i... I Can't Jeff. This is sick.
He turns his back on me and runs like i have the pest of something. Maybe i do.
I'm happy it's night so no one's there to see me fall to me knees and hurt to concrete so hard my hands starts bleeding. I screwed everything. I feel like i'm gonna puke, or scream, or maybe i'll jsut die right there.
Damn it's dark,
Damn it's cold.