AN* A Sequel to SWAP. Though possible to read alone, it is so much better to be read after SWAP. I think. Thanks for the heart-fattening reviews at SWAP, hoping for more *hint. Not as hilarious, lack of material, I'm sorry. But tell me what you think. Please review.
As you may know, a certain sexy debonair fiend stole you from me the other day and wrote some inconsistent stuff that he thought I would be writing. I just want this diary to know that I did not get dumped by Stefan, I dumped him upon reading Twilight because it made me realize, "shit-fuck! From this point of view, I see the err of my ways! Picking a vampire like Edward or Stefan for great sex is stupid, because they're out of practice! They don't get laid!"
I'm so messed up, shit! I think Damon's really got into my head but how could that be? I'm sure I never took off my necklace.
I just don't think that Stefan has other ex-girlfriends, you know? Maybe he does, but like, how many? 3? 2? 1? Damon on the other hand, oh my, this guy's probably mastered sex like he's mastered looking hot all the time. Damon doesn't have those ugly moments that humans and yes, even vampires have, you know?
Oh damn, I cannot believe that I am deciding who to be my lover by comparing them in that part of life—or of the body. What has gotten in to me? Why am I so cool and horny? Is it because I am secretly just like Damon? Maybe. That wouldn't be bad, you know. He's like, the perfect vampire. Vampires are already perfect, but he? He is the superlative of an absolute adjective!
Anyway, back to what I wrote yesterday. Yesterday, I was pretty theoretical about things, and I just want to update my little research and say, after a first-hand experience, that indeed, Damon was like… oh shit, I think I just had an orgasm just thinking about him.
I'm scared to tell Damon what I really feel, which is, "Oh, Damon! I love you, I love you, I love you! I cannot wait until your delicious large p
"What the hell, Damon? Again?" Elena couldn't believe what she was seeing, Damon writing on her journal, AGAIN!
"I just wanted to right some inconsistency that I wrote last night. First I said he dumped you then suddenly you dumped him. I think you might have messed up my brain Elena." He told her, as he kept the diary high enough for her to feel she could attempt to reach it but in reality would never succeed.
"I think your brain has always been, you know," she twirled her finger at the side of her head, "messed up."
"Messed up? You want to talk about messed up, sweetie? Who was tearing off the clothes last night? Even I, the vampire, was surprised, you little nymph, you." He was laughing at her.
Her jaw dropped. She was tempted, surprised, shocked, baffled, and horny; she didn't know which feeling of the five was the strongest. Damn it, she should be offended for being called a nymphomaniac.
"I lost a button on my pants because of you last night!" she hoped that was a good enough retort.
"I lost a shirt—Armani. Oh, I also lost my boxers—silk and imported." He smirked. "Oh, but that's all in the past. I know the next time you'll be more careful, right?"
She took a piece of paper, thinking that it was the best way to express her overwhelmed self. "As if there'll be a next time!" She huffed at him and got out a paper and a pen.
I, Damon Salvatore, badass of the century vampire, do not love rough sex. I actually hate rough sex and like my women subservient and if I were a human, which I'm gladly not, would prefer my women also barefoot, pregnant, in the kitchen.
Armani? Do you know how much that costs? Women can be so expensive! I know I'm a chauvinistic, egoistic, prick, but what can I do? I'm male! I prefer my Armani more than my woman—because all men are secretly gay!
"You know, I'm starting to think that feminism should take a backseat sometimes because clearly, a lot of women are so misandrist hence Elena Gilbert." Damon said.
"Stop reading the entry while I'm writing it, damn it. Let me read mine too, just to be fair." She demanded.
Damon opened the diary but kept it in his grip as she read it.
"You're delicious large what?" Elena raised a brow at the unfinished sentence.
"Pen. You can't wait until I write in your diary again. Why, what were you thinking?" He laughed and winked at her, his eyes twinkling with mischief.
Elena rolled her eyes. "I cannot believe I am letting you defile my journal."
"Oh, come on, you love that I'm giving you an excuse to have sex with me again. Like, oh wait, I'll write it in the diary." He sat away from her and began to write again. Elena continued writing as well. She couldn't make a witty retort, it was too late and he'd probably say something better since he was actually really good with his words.
Elena is so great in bed that even my hundred years of practice puts me to shame, me, Damon Salvatore, Mystic Fall's most eligible man and closet devotee of Samba dancing. After some quiet time in my own little dark happy place, I've realized that Armani was definitely worth it and even quite a small price to pay. We can wreck a Mercedes Benz and it would be worth it for all I know.
"Admit it, this is foreplay. Writing diary entries turn you on, doesn't it?" Damon laughed as he stared her down as she wrote.
Then Damon began to write.
I've been thinking about Stefan, on how loserific he is. He went all beast face on us when he caught Damon spooning me in my room. Apparently, unfamiliarity to the word "privacy" runs in the Salvatore blood.
I woke up because Damon's strong, lean arms suddenly tightened around me so wonderfully possessive and I felt his morning situation press against my back. My eyes flew all the way open at the sight of the man who just opened the door.
Truth is, I woke up not because I was thinking, "Oh shit! It's Stefan, the love of my life!"
It was more, "Oh Shit! I'm naked and someone just opened the door on me!" For awhile, with Damon's frame enveloping me from behind so enticingly, when Damon said, "Good morning brother," I was like, "brother who? You have a brother?"
I can't believe Damon's made me forget about Stefan so quickly. Duh, I've slept more times with Stefan but just had a hundred times more orgasms with Damon because he is really good in the sack.
"Ok, so we've both settled in both our accounts that we are good in bed, what now?" Damon said, quite bored with the whole "write in your diary" theme.
"I know this will sound very bipolar, hypocritical and stupid, because it probably is. I can't have sex with you right now. I just broke off with Stefan! Do you want to be a rebound? Anyway, it's starting to make me feel like a slut."
"Stop being a prude, it is not hot." Damon rolled his eyes and threw the damned diary on the floor. "Then what was the whole diary thing, for? I wasted my creative brain cells for nothing? I cannot believe it, you beguiling evil minx." Damon then covered his face with a pillow and grunted.
"I really can't have sex with you now. Not with everything such a mess."
"Then, let's have sex…" then Damon checked his watch which read seven pm. "8 pm, when your head is clear."
"Damon, I'm serious."
Elena stared at him with a jaw wide open.
"The day after tomorrow?"
She raised a brow.
"Fine, next week?"
"You are so my bitch." Elena smirked.
"What?" He looked confused.
"I just made a point. You are so wrapped around my finger." Elena laughed.
Damon was astounded. He couldn't believe that he just stepped right into Elena's verbal trap. "Whatever," he said, masking his wounded ego caused by the big reveal of him being under her heel. Shit. Badassness just leveled down. Maybe Stefan wasn't originally lame and it was her who had actually caused the pummeling down? "So, can we have sex now?" He whispered in her ear, in the most seductive voice in the world, trying to make up for the fact that he just lost major manly points.
Much to everyone's joy, except for the brooding one named Stefan, who was out in wilderness with feathers around his mouth after just eating a pigeon, Damon and Elena made love, though they would never admit it, insisting it was really just "boning" or "having sex".
*AN Come on, comment please? I'll post another one if I get enough reviews? I'm so evil, I blame Damon. Thanks for reading!