I know, this story may seem too familiar but I decided to move all of my JB stories from my old account to this one. It just feels better this way. This story is still the same, just under a different account!
This is like a really personal story to me and I am so proud of this. This could probably be the best I've ever written.
The song is really beautiful, Adam Levine did a wonderful job and it is totally worth downloading. =)
Edited: 26 April 2010
Disclaim, disclaim, disclaim...
All alone in an empty room
Nothing left but the memories of when I had my best friend
If I could change the last image I have of Jennifer, I'd give anything for it. To strike a box cutter into your soul mate's heart is just as agonizing as piercing your own and I wasn't even allowed to her fucking funeral. I stayed hidden in the trees across from the ceremony; unbidden tears rolled down my face as they began to lower her body into her final resting place. Now I am here, in an asylum, because they think that they can save me from myself. Without Jennifer, I am nothing. I'm just the fucking Kicker.
People predominantly believe that a mental hospital helps a person get rid of the thoughts and images causing the derision that put them there. Attendants do what they are told and give me sedatives to 'ease the pain and help me forget', but I feel no pain anymore and I will never forget. I feel almost nothing, but every night, again and again, my mind spurs flashbacks from the past: a flash of white teeth, a glimpse of radiantly blue eyes, pale alabaster skin drenched in blood, the steady sound of a heart slowly dying. Mental hospital? Sedatives? Nothing can save me from thinking about her.
I don't know how we ended up here
I don't know but it's never been so clear
We made a mistake, dear.
Melody Lane. The only good enough reason to give justice to the name Devil's Kettle. That's where everything began. I went there with my best friend and left with something else. Something dark. How could I have not seen through it? Then at least, I might have been strong enough to save her. The thing is, she wasn't just my best friend. She was everything to me. No one in the world could have loved another person the way I loved (and still love) Jennifer Check. It must have started years ago, when the hardest decision to make in life was choosing what crayon to use. We were sandbox lovers and our profound, complex love only deepened with intensity through the years. Despite having the best person in my life, I knew from the moment I realized I loved her that it was wrong. Best friends don't just fall in love with each other, let alone a popular girl and the nerdy kid. To the outside, this was what we were, but we never paid attention to any of the fucking gossip. We ran much deeper than that. I just wish that I wasn't so blind to everything. So fucking naïve! Our love cost us both our lives: hers, completely lost and mine, totally shattered.
She changed after the incident at Melody Lane. If I wasn't so fucking naïve I would've realized that Jennifer wasn't Jennifer anymore but a vicious, boy-eating monster. To me, she was the epitome of perfection, nothing was wrong with her because she loved me and I loved her.
And I see the broken glass in front of me
I see your shadow hanging over me
And your face, I can see...
Then she tried to kill me. It ruined everything. She came into my room one night and I expected sex not a struggle for my life. I knew she didn't mean to though, it was the evil inside of her. It was attracted to everything she was attracted to and my blood called to her like a fast food bell signaling an order up. Lucky for me, she didn't kill me that night but it had put a serious strain on our relationship. I mean, what was I supposed to do when my girlfriend/bestfriend tried to eat me? Order a side of fries to go with my kidneys? I knew that Jennifer had changed the moment she towered over my beaten-up body; her very essence telling me she wanted to kill. The monster was taking over her and neither of us could save her from herself because she was too far-gone with hunger.
"Jennifer," I weakly called out, begging one last time.
Then her expression changed if not completely. From a face contorted with deranged evil and hunger, the monster allowed me a glimpse of the real Jennifer fighting her way in her body, trying to gain control. Tears pooled in her eyes and her expression was so forlorn. This was the Jennifer that I loved and who was dying inside of her own body.
I remember how we used to talk
About the places we would go when we were off
And all that we were gonna find.
Life for us wasn't as complicated as it had become towards the end. Like the young lovers that we were, we dreamed of so many things that we thought were possible for the both of us. She had wanted to become an actress and I had wanted to pursue a career in music composition and art history. Big dreams for little girls. Of course, that had meant that we would be going off into different colleges that suited our preferred courses but our decisions always included each other.
We were young and foolish and already we were fucked up. Stupid indie band with eyeliner. After tonight, I should probably break out and massacre their sorry asses mercilessly for what they did to the woman I loved.
And I remember our seeds grow
And how you cried when you saw
The first leaves show.
The love was pouring from your eyes.
Like the 'married couple' that we were, it was only eventual that we would consummate our love for each other. Naturally, I was not her first fuck, but I was the first one to actually mean something. I hadn't had sex with anyone prior to her (though I almost let Chipper stick his twiggle-stick in me on one crazy, drunken, band-geek night), so it was so fucking perfect for me. And I remember everything.
We'd just gotten over from a fit of laughter. On the television, Rob Schneider and his crazy antics had sent Jennifer into a laugh-gasm; her beautiful, raven hair cascaded around her shoulders as her body shuddered from her loud laughter. The sight of Jennifer's eyes scrunched up and mouth opened widely had always bemused me because she still looked fucking beautiful. And of course, her laughter was infectious.
After ten minutes or so, we both laid down on my bed completely spent, ignoring the movie that we had been watching. We both were panting and just staring at each other, little giggles transpiring between us. Then it got to a point where we were just staring at each other intently. She shifted onto her side with her head resting on her arm, her bottom lip sucked into her mouth. I looked down at her lips and for the first time in my life, I had a real urge to kiss her. She must have sensed my lesbian-gawking because before I knew it, she snuggled closer to me like she was going to sleep (she'd always cuddle up to me when we had sleepovers—she was afraid of the dark). But this time she was facing me and was close enough for me to smell her light perfume and feel her hot breath against my lips.
I closed my eyes on the feeling of her body so close to mine, and I hesitantly slid my hand over her side before resting it on her hip, secretly wanting to bring here even closer.
"J-Jen?" I tried to whisper as I reopened my eyes. "I think—,"
"Shh. Don't think, Needy. Just feel," she interrupted me and silenced me with a soft, open-mouthed kiss upon my lips. I almost retracted in shock but I found myself glued to her mouth, and I closed my eyes again. Electricity shot through my veins and I pulled her closer, reveling in the taste of her cherry lip gloss. Before I could feel anything else, I heard her moan as she deftly slid her tongue into my mouth. My skin began to tingle as I pushed my body over hers and swallowed both of our moans with a deeper kiss. Her hands found its way into my hair and I placed myself in between her legs, feeling the heat radiating from her there.
Thirty seconds later, we were both devoid of our clothes in which she had seductively removed mine. She was on top of me now and I was relieved because I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I let her take the lead. I was both scared and thrilled that I was losing my virginity to her tonight. She raised her face from where it was latched onto my neck and looked at me questioningly. I offered her a look that said, 'bombs, away. I trust you,' and she filled her eyes with certainty of that fact.
She didn't break our eye contact as her hand made its way slowly down my abdomen, passing through the valley of my breast. I shuddered against the cold feeling of her hand against my skin and I quietly hissed. Then her fingers passed over the juncture of my thighs and gently brushed against a wet spot that had me instantly arching my body towards her. She bit her lip and I could tell that she was more nervous than she'd ever been.
I gripped both of her shoulders and held her tightly against me as she pushed a finger into me. It wasn't enough to completely break me yet but the intrusion of her digit into my tight hole was very uncomfortable at first. Noticing that, she leaned forward and whispered sweet nothings into my ear all the while licking and kissing my ear lobe.
"Needs," she whimpered. "You're so fucking tight. Mmmh, I love how I feel inside you."
I was passed the point of comprehending words because she had added another finger which only quadrupled the intense feeling that was slowly building up in my abdomen. Her other hand busied itself by playing with my hardened nipple and I writhed beneath her, digging my fingers into her skin. I vaguely thought of pleasuring her as well but she seemed to be enjoying herself because I felt her grinding her hips into my leg, spreading the wetness that had coated her mound.
All I could hear were my moans and whimpers as Jennifer's ministrations moved faster and I could definitely feel something coming on. I was about to have my first orgasm before Jennifer slowed down her movements, prolonging the suspense.
"Needs," her hot breath fanned my face before she leaned down and planted an open-mouthed kiss. I hadn't realized that she had been panting, too.
"Mm-yeah?" was all I could manage because I felt as if a coil was wound tightly in my body and a single movement would unhinge it, causing me to fall apart in ecstasy.
"Look at me." I hadn't realized my eyes were closed but when I did open them, they were met with a deep blue, almost metallic gaze. Her intent look caused more wetness to pool around her fingers and she bit her lip, suppressing a moan. Then all of the sudden, her expression turned vulnerable. I should have known was what coming next.
"Needy…I love you." She whispered before leaning down and capturing my lips in a hot kiss, giving me no time to respond. She simultaneously pressed her thumb against my clit and dug her fingers deep into my pussy, curling at a perfect spot—all the while going wild at my leg. We both came instantly.
"Fuck!" I had to break the kiss and shout something to channel out the intense feeling coursing through my body. I felt a dam break inside of me and the rushing water of it flooded my whole body and throbbed deliciously. I screamed a silent cry as she bit into my shoulder, obviously feeling the same way I did. As the waves continued to thrash against the confines of my body, I let go of her shoulders and gripped her hips, pulling her into me. She moaned loudly, arching her neck towards the ceiling before collapsing on top of me. She carefully slid her fingers out and pressed that hand into the bed as she settled her face into the crook of my neck. She was still panting.
As we lay unmoving, I felt so rested. My arms were still wrapped around her and slowly, her breathing quieted down. I thought that she had fallen sleep but then I felt hot liquid leaking into my neck and falling onto the pillow. She was crying.
"Jen? What's wrong? Did I do something wrong?" I pulled away from her and true enough, her eyes were red with tears rimming them and her bottom lip was quivering slightly.
"No, it isn't you. You're perfect. It's just—I'm a little scared." I scooted up against the headboard, cradling her shuddering body.
"You're the first person I've ever opened up to, Needy. I love you so much and it scares me that we could just be like torn apart one day. I can't lose you, Needs." She whispered the last words and closed her eyes tightly.
She started crying in earnest now and I wondered vaguely if it was normal to cry after sex—no, making love. I held her against me and ran my hand through her hair in an effort to soothe her. I kissed her head over and over. After a while, she quieted down a bit.
"I love you too, you know that right?" I whispered into her hair.
"Now, I do." She leaned up and kissed me softly on the mouth. We made love several times that night and each time, I felt more and more safe.
So can you see
The branches hanging over me?
Can you see
The love you left inside of me?
In my face
Can you see?
The look she gave me that night she tried to eat me reassured me that the Jennifer that I loved was still alive, though I was uncertain if I still had the chance to save her. Then the thought passed over me like an angry cloud, heavy with bloody rain. I realized that the only way to truly save her was to…kill her. Only then would she be free from the restraints of the monster inside of her. But I didn't want to kill her! I loved her so much to want to kill her, but I didn't want to be selfish. Jennifer must have been so exhausted of fighting already. I was keeping her from peace.
It was my dilemma. To kill or be killed by the one I loved. All that was left of the old Jennifer were the memories I had of us before she had turned into darkness. This new Jennifer was pure evil and I knew that it didn't love me the way the real Jennifer did. I felt so empty. I felt dead. The choice was up to me; but had I truly been strong enough to make the right decision if I still feel plagued with guilt and regret?
Through the trees
I will find you;
I will heal the ruins left inside you.
Through the thick fog separating us, I had vowed to save Jennifer the only way I knew how. So the next day, I bought a box-cutter from Home Depot and immediately resented it the moment I looked down at the receipt when I walked out of the store. Why the fuck did I buy a box cutter out of all potential murder weapons? I was killing my girlfriend with a box cutter? I must have been seriously deranged even then.
After fighting an internal battle of purchasing a bowie knife or a hacksaw, I stuck with the cutter. I didn't need an epic weapon to end her life. What we shared was profound and intense but in all its glory, we were just two lesbigays fallen into the dirty trap of fate. There was nothing epic about that. The most beautiful way to end something is the simplest of ways. And so, box-cutter.
Once long ago, I had promised Jennifer that I would give anything to her and would do anything to keep her happy and safe. This monster inside was hurting my Jennifer and I had to stop it, even if it meant a lifetime without her.
'Cause I'm still here breathing now
With every fiber in my being…whatever it takes.
I'm still here breathing now...
I'll stay with you 'til the end, Jennifer. I won't let you go.
Until I'm set free.
I knew that my love for Jennifer was stronger than life itself and I drew courage from that. I needed all the courage I could muster to eliminate the very source of my life. I knew that i was going to hate myself forever for doing what I had to do but I also knew that I would find peace someday. That I would be with Jennifer again. But until then…
Go quiet through the trees.
It was the middle of the night when I had snuck into Jennifer's room. I had done this many times before just so I could cuddle up in bed with her and sometimes make love but that time was entirely different on a whole new level. I told myself to make it as painless as possible for her. The actual thought of killing her haunted me then and still sends gruesome shivers down my spine as I remember the life of her slipping through the empty spaces between my fingers.
"What the fuck are you doing here?! Get out of here, Needy! You aren't safe with me." She knew that she wanted to eat me because the monster in her did and because of that, she shut herself off from me but it couldn't stop me now. I was standing in the threshold of her bedroom door and she was on the other side of the room. I stepped once and she walked back until she hit the wall behind her. She looked pitifully fragile and pale in the silver moonlight as she brought her hands behind her, as if trying to disappear into the wall.
"I'm going to make it all better, Jennifer." I heard my voice betray me as it croaked out of my throat. How the hell should I know how to cajole a person before I killed them? I moved steadily towards her, making sure that she knew everything was going to be okay; she made no movement to run. She seemed to sense my purpose for visiting her that night. She was giving herself up to me. She wanted me to end the pain. To make it go away.
We were both crying silently as I stood right in front of her. Her face was one of fright and pain. I had no idea what I had looked like but I guessed I must have looked like a serial killer in the heavy rain-jacket that I wore to fight off the bitter cold of that October night. Yet until now, my bones still shiver. To try and distract her, I raised my hand up and she flinched a little bit as I brought it against her cheek. She leaned into my touch and closed her eyes. She exhaled and cried even more.
Acting on dire instinct, I closed the space between our lips and plunged my tongue into her mouth, wanting to remember every single detail of her kiss. I wanted to memorize every part of her body but her lips had always been the most wonderful thing about her—apart from her radiantly blue eyes. Simultaneously, we slowed the kiss down to gentle, open-mouthed movements that was both bittersweet and sensual.
She raised her eyes to meet mine and I gripped the cutter in my left hand, bringing it up to her chest and finally thrusting it into her. She made a choking noise that sounded like the wind being knocked from her and I could have sworn my own heart exploded. My hand burned against the cutter, feeling the evil I had done but I knew that it was the right thing to do. A few more tears had leaked out of her eyes that had begun to soften after reacting to the pain of the cutter. Her face began to relax as her body began to slump against mine. She was drifting onto the floor and I tried to keep a strong face for her.
The wound caused blood to spurt from her chest and onto mine but I could careless as I watched her eyes begin to totally disappear behind her eyelids. They never made it. Her body stilled and the blood had finally stopped spurting. She was gone.
'Cause you're not coming back
I can't bring myself to remember that night anymore. I'm tired of the pain it causes me. If I could just kill myself now and end the hurt I would. Maybe I will. After all, there isn't anything left for me now. The love of my life was gone, my family and friends had deserted me. I was all alone.
And you're not coming back
I tried thinking of other scenarios of how I could have handled the whole man-eating Jennifer situation but they all ended with her dying. Nothing was going to change that. Not only was I going to save her from herself, I was saving other people from suffering.
I could pretend this all had never happened. I could slip into a fantasy world that was more peaceful than reality. But the truth of the situation was apparent in the hole in my chest. My Jennifer was gone and never coming back.
Take my breath as your own
Take my eyes to guide you home
She was standing in my doorway and suddenly my desire for her was unbearable. I wanted to squeeze her tight and have her reassure me that everything was going to be okay. She was always much stronger than me. But I also felt like I wanted her blood. I wanted to taste it on my tongue. Because of that, I was afraid of myself when I was with her. She didn't know how vulnerable she was with me, a killer and I had to use every ounce of self control not to lunge myself at her, aiming for her neck. I tried pushing her away but she saw right through my lies. She knew I needed her here.
The moment she stalked slowly towards me, I knew that she was going to end my pain. Finally, some fucking peace. I was tired of having to fight with myself all day everyday and here she was, my Needy, my savior. I hoped that she would make it as painless as possible but I thought of it to be selfish of me. After all, she was the one who was going to be living the rest of her life without me beside her. I couldn't imagine the pain of that.
I felt my back hit the wall and I knew it was almost over. The wrenching pain inside was going to end soon and I would be in peace. Oddly enough I felt comfortable with Needy in front of me(even though she looked terrifying dressed in a murder-jacket), but the thought of dying sent shudders down my spine. I let out a breath that I had been holding as she held my cheek in her hand. I leaned my face into her palm and felt tears rolling down my face. I hadn't realized I was crying but now I wanted to give myself up to her. I wanted her to see that it was okay that she was going to do this and that I wasn't going to be mad at her for that.
Before my mind could register anything else, I felt her lean into me and kiss me with a ferocity that only my Needy could possess. I cried even more because I realized that she was trying to remember everything. I had wanted to do the same but the fuzzy feeling of her being with me was enough to make me ready. We gently kissed each other, trying to relay our deep, deep feelings for each other. I opened my red-rimmed eyes and hoped that through the fatigue and pain that I felt, my love for her would be conveyed by them. She needed to know I was okay. This was what she needed for me to do.
A split second later, I felt a painful throb in my chest and I perceived a knife to be embedded deeply into my heart. Thank you, Needy, for making this as painless as possible. It didn't stop the blood from pouring out of me though. I felt my limbs grow weak as I slowly slid down the floor. I tried to smile, or say something to Needy whose face was stolid—probably trying to be strong for me. But I was okay now. After she stabbed me, I felt the pain lessen to a dull and an intense silence flooded my system. Suddenly, everything inside of me just stopped moving and I knew that the monster had left my body. I felt my soul returning into its familiar crevices, and suddenly I was me again. But it was too late; my body was shutting down and I was glad of it.
But you're not coming back.
Long after I had stabbed her, I remained on the floor, perfectly content with just staring at her. I couldn't bring myself to look into her lifeless eyes anymore though because there was nothing in them that would ever pull me towards her again. Instead, I roamed my eyes over her skin. I had noticed that in the moment I struck the cutter into her chest, her skin seemed to begin to change. To glow. I realized that because I had killed her, the monster had disappeared and the real Jennifer replaced the stoic body it had left behind. Even in her death, she still looked so beautiful. So peaceful. Her hair had recaptured its natural luster and her eyes, God forbid, her eyes were radiantly blue again!
"Jennifer?" I called out hopefully.
I lightly shook her shoulders but the movement only caused her head to fall backwards towards the wall. Her half-lidded eyes pointed towards the window and the darkening moonlight only reflected the emptiness behind her falsely lit eyes. Her lips were parted and I almost thought that I heard her weakly calling out my name.
"...Jennifer?" I repeated her name over and over, shaking her even more. Then I hugged her cold body against me and cried openly in the darkness, screaming out in sorrow and pain for the immutable damage that I had done.
It is dark outside and I literally am thinking about killing myself. I can't do anything to help ease the pain. Sedatives don't work and kicking fucking annoying proctors don't either. Nothing can lull the pain in my chest. Everyday, it only seems to intensify as I long for her. I know I am being stupid; I have to move on but I'm afraid that if I do, I might forget her. Then everything would be as if it never happened.
And you're not coming back.
'Cause you're not coming back