They had been dating for almost a year and Derek had kept the most important thing in his life a secret. But he knew this woman was the one, he knew they were going to go further together than he had with anyone and that meant it was time to tell her.
He led her down the hall of his two bedroom apartment toward a semi closed door and it was needless to say that she was afraid of what he had to tell her. But she kept a smile on her face, kept the optimism in her eyes and remained open minded. He stopped just short of the door and turned to her in panic.
"I've never told anyone I've dated about this and chances are after you find out you're gonna run and I'm going to regret it but I can't lie to you about this."
"Are you like a serial killer or something?" Addison asked jokingly "Do you keep all your victims in that room? Like...organs every where with a shrine made of skulls?" Derek smiled, admitting that random remarks like that were part of the reason that he was falling for her. "Because I'm not sure how well I'd take that."
"No. Although I'm pretty sure that something like that would send you running too." he took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. He thought of different ways he could put it, wondering which way would sound the best. Finally he decided that the simpler it was said, the simpler it would be recieved. "I have a daughter." he admitted.
Addison froze, she looked into his eyes wordlessly but at least she was wasn't running. "A daughter?" she finally asked, not knowing how else she could react.
"She's four." he explained. " She was born when I was 21. Her mother disappeared after she was born. So I've been raising her by myself. She's never met anyone I've dated, she doesn't understand the concept of having a mother. She doesn't get along too well with my sister so...she might have a hate for woman. I'm not sure."
"You have a daughter?" she repeated her question.
"Yeah, Addie, I do. Is that a problem?" he replied defectively.
"No, it's just that you always made it sound like you've never been in a serious relationship and now you tell me you have a daughter. I'm just confused. I'm sorry."
"It wasn't a serious relationship. It was one drunken night. She got pregnant and I wanted to do the right thing. I wasn't in love with her or anything. And obviously, she wasn't in love with me either or else she wouldn't have popped a kid out and left 30 minutes later."
"Yeah, you have a point." Addison answered.
"And I love you, Addison. I really do and I think we have a lot going for us. But we can't go further if I hid this any longer. She's really important to me and you're really important to me." he paused, watching her carefully. "Say something, are you thinking up ways to dump me right now?"
"No! Derek, stop being so negative. I am not dumping you, I'm shocked but I'll get over it in a minute or two. You have a kid, I love kids. I've always wanted a kid, maybe not the second I entered a seriously relationship but so what? We can make it work. Right?"
"I'm sure if you're sure." she answered. "Because if we're going where I think we're going than I'll be there with you raising her and if you don't think I'm the right person to do that with than you have to let me go before I get attached..and Derek, I get attached instantly."
"You're the right person." Derek promised. "You're the only person I'd want to do this with."
"What are you doing here?" he asked spitefully.
"How's your daughter?" Addison replied, ignoring her estranged husband's question.
"I thought she was our daughter."
"Yeah, well...she was. But something tells me that you don't want to share a child with me anymore." she answered. "I never had legal custody of her, so she's not mine and there is no way in hell I'd ever be allowed to see her again after the divorce I smell coming. And I have a feeling that you finally told her that I'm not her mother so... I'm on the losing end of this war. That's not to say I don't care about her."
"She's fine." Derek answered. He had to admit that she was right. He wasn't going to allow for his daughter to see her after the divorce, even if she was the one who raised her. She was also right in the fact that his daughter finally knew the truth. Through the whole time they were together, he was afraid of telling Ella. But now he finally had the courage, he needed to hurt her. And what better way of doing that than turning the one person who she loved unconditionally against her. "And you're right, I did tell her."
Addison nodded, tears swelling her eyes. "I had a feeling." she answered. It couldn't be maternal instinct because she wasn't a mother, at least not biologically.
"I'm sure you did."
"In all fairness...I had it coming, right?" she answered, giving him a small smile to hide her pain.
Nothing would ever be the same again. It was a given. He never realized what would happen between his daughter and his wife when he decided to give the marriage a chance. He never noticed what was going on with them because he was to busy hiding his feelings for Meredith. He never noticed the tension between them. He assumed everything would be the way it was in New York. Ella would worship the ground Addison walked on, she would be her idol. He was wrong.
Addison leaned against the refrigerator in the cramped trailer, holding an envelope in one hand and a sheet of paper in the other. Ella was sitting on the table with her arms crossed, she didn't look like the typical 16 year old preparing to be yelled at and Addison looked far from the typical mother preparing to yell.
"You failed Anatomy?" she asked calmly, neatly folding the report card and placing it in the envelope. "If you needed help with Anatomy you could have just asked, Ella. It's not like your father and I are strangers to the topic."
"You are a stranger." she answered straight faced, the perfect come back to the statement previously said.
Addison ignored it, trying not to let the words get to her. "Really?" she asked. "After everything I've done for you, after everything we've been through that's what you have to say to me. If I were in your shoes my mother would be stabbing me right about now. But I did everything in my power to not turn out like her. I didn't everything to raise you decently. I did my best to be the mother you deserved to have. And that's what I get?"
"You're right." Ella admitted. "You're not like your mother, you're worse than her. And if this is the type of mother I deserved that I must be one fucked up little bitch."
"Ella...that's not what I meant. You are not...you're perfect, okay? I used to dream of having a daughter like you. The day you called me 'Mommy' was literally the best day of my life. I want what's best for you." she explained truthfully. She really had dreamed of having a little girl to look up to her and love her. She used to dream of taking her daughter shopping and tying her hair into perfect pig tails. Ella gave her all of that. She made Addison's dreams come true, even though it was short lived.
"I'm not your daughter. And you're not my mother. Not legally, not biologically. We are in no way connected. So you have no right to discipline me or yell at me about grades. You are nobody. Your opinion of me doesn't even matter."
Addison sighed in defeat. She put the envelope down with the rest of the mail and ran her fingers through her hair, taking a few deep breaths as she tried to calm her self and sustain from crying. Finally, after almost a minute she turned around and left without saying anything more. Ella watched her car disappear into the distance and she just sat there.
That night Derek got home to see his daughter sitting at the table, watching TV and feeding herself a bowl of cereal. He looked around the trailer and noticed his wife wasn't there. It's not like there was any where else she could be, aside from the hospital and the trailer and her old hotel the only other place Addison had seen in Seattle was the bar. There was no where she could go.
"Where is Addison?" he asked, taking his jacket off and hanging it in the small closet.
Ella shrugged her shoulders and put another spoonful of cereal in her mother.
"What do you mean you don't know?" he asked. "She had the day off, she was suppose to be here. You haven't seen her all day?"
"I've seen her." she answered. "I just don't know where she is right now. She left a while ago. I don't think she's coming back. She seemed a little...um emotional."
"What did you do?" he automatically asked.
"Me?!" Ella asked innocently. "I didn't do anything! Why would you assume this is my fault?"
"I have a hard time believing you weren't somehow involved." he answered. "Are you telling me she randomly decided that she was emotional and left?"
"Not exactly." she admitted. "I failed Anatomy this semester and she was going all maternal on my ass so I told her to back off. Except I may have been a little more harsh."
"Did you try to call her to apologize?" he asked.
"Why would I do that?" Ella replied, looking at him strangely. "It's not like she didn't have it coming. And besides, she left her cell phone here. She only took her wallet and her car keys."
"She's not going to come back, you realize that right?"
"Yup. You're welcome." she smiled, assuming that her father would be proud of her for doing what he couldn't. He didn't fight her anymore, he gave up on the conversation and went to bed. He was to tired to deal with her at that second. Later on he would punish her and deal with finding Addison.
A week later he was served with divorce papers which stated that she wanted nothing out of their marriage. She just wanted out. With the divroce papers he receive a note that told him she was giving up, she wasn't willing to fight anymore. She claimed that she had nothing left to fight for. Her location was not disclosed, and she never mentioned if she was doing alright or not. It was all strictly business between them. There was nothing else left.
He went home and placed them on the table while he started looking through the phone book for a new place to order take-out from. Ella came into the trailer after a night out with her friends and the first thing she noticed was the divorce papers.
"You saw Mom?" she asked, although she had never used the name while Addison was in Seattle. She hadn't even used her first name. She wouldn't call her anything as if she didn't deserve to be like any other human.
"No. I didn't see her. Someone served me divorce papers. Although she did pass on a note." he replied. He would give almost anything to see her one more time. He had done everything to try to find her, get in touch with her but it had all failed. The only way he knew she was alright was because she filed for divorce. No one in the family had heard from her. Not his side, not her side.
"So where is she?" Ella wondered curiously.
"She didn't say." Derek answered. "It's in my briefcase if you wanna read it."
Ella grabbed his briefcase and turned it upside down on the bed, everything in it fell out. She shuffled through all of it until she found the one piece of paper she wanted.
I'm really sorry things had to end this way. I wish it could have different. But I screwed up and there is no forgiving what I did. I can't blame you for not being able to see past it, I can't blame Ella for losing respect for me. I shouldn't have agreed to try to work it because we both knew it would never be the same.
Please don't make this any harder than it is. I just want out, nothing else. Everything is yours. Anything you want. The houses, the stocks, the cars, everything. I give up, I have nothing left to fight for. I've lost everything. I even lost the one person I thought would never turn against me. She can't bear to be in the same room with me, she can't stand the thought of me. I couldn't stay there knowing that she hates me, I couldn't stay and watch you falling for another woman right in front of my eyes. I give up, you win. It's over. By the way, if it makes a difference, I'll never love anyone like I loved you and Ella. My life will never be the same without you guys.
All My Love,
Ella threw the letter back into the rumble of files and sheets. She looked up at her father apologetically. "Guess I ruined this for you." she whispered.
Derek didn't say anything. He looked at her emotionlessly and began cleaning the mess of papers so he could get into bed.
"So now you're not talking to me?"
"I'll get over it, Ella. Forget it ever happened and go to bed. We'll deal with this later." he said because he really wasn't in the mood to talk or deal with her.
"Ya' know..it's kinda sad. I sent one woman running the day I was born, she didn't even bother to stick around long enough to see me. And now Addison's gone too. It's like...I don't deserve a mother. No one can tolerate me. I repel maternal emotion"
"She tolerated you for 12 years." Derek answered. "Your actual mother left you the second you were born. Don't compare them." he slid the bedroom 'door' shut to isolate himself for the night. He needed to be alone and think. He needed to wallow in self-misery. He needed time to adjust to the fact that he was now officially alone, that there was no rescuing his marriage anymore.
"What does it matter how long they stuck around. Fact of the matter is that they're both gone. And I'm the reason they both left. It's like I don't even understand the concept of having a mother. " Ella whispered to herself, falling back onto the couch that she considered to be her bed. She had no one to tell her everything was going to be alright, she had no one to fix her problem. She had no one. What's worse it that she knew that it was her fault. She wouldn't be alone if she could just understand the meaning of unconditional love.
Randomly thought of this while I was trying to fall asleep last night. I'm not sure if it's good or not because it's so random that I'm not sure where I even came up with it.
Hated it? Liked it? Loved it (which I doubt)... Let me know your opinion.