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The bonfire was over; Summer had left with Seth and Ryan. Ryan had wanted to stay, but Marissa wanted to be alone, so she had made him leave, telling him she'd be all right that she just wanted to stay out a little longer. He'd agreed unwillingly, but the brunette knew he wasn't going to drop it any time soon.
Finally on her own, she made her way to that spot where she and Alex had shared their first kiss. She sat down in the sand, trying to think back to the nights events. She was exhausted after everything, and she was at a loss, not knowing what to do. She hadn't been in the mansion for a while now, what with living with Alex and all, and, well, she didn't think she could go back to what had become her home, figuring Alex would be there. The last thing she wanted to do was make the girl feel uncomfortable.
A saddening feeling washed over her as she realized she'd have to have her final visit soon. She could only hope it didn't look anything like the one Alex had shared with Jodie way back, when they had gone to retrieve Alex's heart. As she thought about the memory, her hand grasped at the pendant around her neck, the second heart, the one Alex had given her after she had found both in Jodie's room. She found comfort in the pendant. However, she wasn't looking forward to that meeting her and Alex would have to share. She was afraid of what would happen.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her cell phone.
"New message? Who's messaging me at this time? Probably Ryan..." She opened her phone, anticipating Ryan's name to show up, along with his number, but she soon realized it was a different name.
'New Text Message'
Hey...uh, I figured you might need a place to crash, plus all of your stuff is at the apartment. I'm spending the night with friends, so, if you want, you have your key and if you can't grab all your stuff, let me know and you can come by another day. Take care. –A'
"Oh great, I drove her out of her fucking apartment." Marissa let out a sigh, she was so confused and so sad about the night that sleep was the only decent thought running through her mind. Not liking the fact that she'd driven out her now ex-girlfriend from her own home, she tried to reason with herself that it would be for the best. She had a place to sleep; she could get her stuff together and trek back up to the mansion tomorrow. At least her mother would be happy.
Although at that moment, she couldn't care less that it was her mother who was going to be pleased, after all, she was the one who would be getting what she had been after. Marissa sighed, she hoped the blonde girl was going to find happiness, and soon, she knew the blonde all too well, she knew, no matter how hard Alex had tried to hide the pain, that she had hurt the girl who had meant everything to her. Alex had always been the strong one, and she had seen how Alex had tried to fight showing the hurt she'd caused her earlier. She didn't want to cause the girl anymore pain then she already had. It was best if she stepped out of her life as soon as possible, so the girl would be able to move on.
She made her way over to her parked Mustang, got in, turned her keys and drove off, probably for the last time, to the place she had began to feel was the only place she could call home.
She arrived and used her key to get in. It wasn't until she set foot in the apartment that she realized she'd been holding her breath, half hoping to see Alex there as she turned on the lights. Of course, she wasn't, after all she was spending the night with friends. Marissa thought of starting to pack right away, but a yawn caught her off guard, and she decided sleeping first would be for the best. She could take care of packing and getting her stuff in the A.M.
Out of habit she went towards the room, but soon retraced her steps and decided to sleep on the couch. It was no longer her bedroom, and as much as she knew Alex would want her to sleep there anyways, "God... she always cared so much for me, I know she still would now... even after everything," she couldn't do it. She knew she wouldn't be able to spend the night in that room, alone, without Alex holding her close.
She went to the couch and laid there, her heart felt heavy, her mind was racing, she felt the weight of the world on her shoulders, but the day's events had worn her out, and her eyes closed immediately, her sleep couldn't be peaceful though, how could it ever be, when "the one" was no longer there...Her final thoughts were of Alex, and as the numbness took over her, she fell into a restless night.
Alex had walked away; she couldn't believe she'd just willingly stepped away from the one thing in her life that made sense.
"I thought I made sense to her as well...why would she just let me walk away?"
"They say if you love something, let it go. I'm hoping she comes back...I'm hoping she figures things out...I don't know what I'll do without her. All I know is I can't stick around here waiting though...the pain will be too much. And I can't let her see me suffer."
She wanted Marissa to come running after her, to tell her she was sorry, that she wanted this, that she wanted Alex, that she needed her, even if it wasn't tonight that she came after her, she wanted Marissa. She knew her heart could never love another the way she had loved Marissa. Her heart only had beat for the tall brunette.
She also knew she wouldn't be able to stand it here though. She wouldn't be able to deal with the possibility of seeing Marissa and not being able to touch her, to kiss her, to hug her, to make her forget all of her worries. She knew, no matter how hard it was for Marissa to see, that Marissa needed her in her life. They were meant to be, they'd find their way... hopefully.
She'd made her way farther along the beach, away from the bonfire, she turned back one last time before reaching her skeazy ex-con friends, she smiled at Marissa's phrasing, "oh God.. this is why I need to go; I'm already finding ways to remind myself of her." The last thing she saw at the beach that night was Marissa and Ryan, holding the torch, lighting the bonfire, together.
"You better treat her right. You hurt her, I will find you, and you will regret it. I lied, it was always about you. You're the safe choice for her, but you'll never be the right one. And no matter what, I'll always be here to pick up her pieces when she realizes it...She'll know how to find me. I just hope she realizes it sooner than later. I don't know how I'm going to make it until then."
She reached her friends, and as tough as they had seemed earlier, they knew Alex well, hell, the three of them had known each other since they were kids. Dylan and Joe could see their female friend wasn't holding up too good. She'd explained briefly the situation when she had asked them for help, but they both wanted to do more for the hurt blonde.
"Hey, look, she wasn't worth the fight, come over tonight, the three of us can just watch movies and drink, alright? It'll take your mind off things, even if just for a while." Joe asked her.
She smiled slightly, she liked that they were boys, they didn't force her to open up. She was like one of the guys to them, and so, they treated her like one of the guys who'd had a rough night. Cheap booze, bad movies, crashing at her two oldest friends place, sounded perfect, and hopefully, it would momentarily help her. "Yea, okay, sounds fine."
Besides, she knew Marissa wouldn't have a place to go for the night, and as much as she wanted to see the brunette again, she didn't think she could handle it tonight, nor tomorrow. She'd break in front of the girl, but she knew that right now, it's wasn't what Marissa needed. She needed to stay strong, for Marissa. She reached for her phone and typed up her message;
"Hey...uh, I figured you might need a place to crash, plus all of your stuff is at the apartment. I'm spending the night with friends, so, if you want, you have your key and if you can't grab all your stuff, let me know and you can come by another day. Take care. –A"
She found Marissa's name in her contacts, and hit send. She let out a sigh. She knew the message would come off as cold, but it's all she could do for the time being.
She had to stay strong. "I love you, so I'm letting you go. Hopefully you find happiness, actually, there's a small part of me that doesn't want you to. There's a small part of me that already aches for you to realize you and I, we were meant to be. I want you to be happy, I'd give my left arm and leg for your happiness. I know, it may seem cheap, but, I'd give my heart and soul to be the reason for your happiness. You know, you'll always have my heart. When you come back, I'll hand you back my soul and my mind, I need those two for now, to stay on the right track, so I'm not down spiralling when you come find me. But hurry, I don't want to waste too much time."
She couldn't help but feel sad as her thoughts ran through her mind. The boys and Alex reached her jeep and all three of them got in. About 15 minutes later, they had reached the boys apartment and quietly made their way inside. Alex just went straight away to the couch and collapsed on it, Joe went in the kitchen to grab new case of beer. Meanwhile, Dylan put in the first movie.
"They may be boys, but, I know they've lived through enough stuff to know that they understand. I'm lucky to have these guys, they've got my back."
She smiled at the thought, she'd known these guys all her life, neither of them had tried anything on her, ever. They had always supported her, when she told them she liked girls, when her parents kicked her out, when all the shit happened with Jodie, and now this.. "God, these guys have always, ALWAYS known, how to be there for me."
She smiled as she realized what movie Dylan had put in, nothing better than some bloody, mindless, action packed movie to get your brain to shut off. She thanked Joe when he handed her beer number one. She sunk in deeper when the extremely B-movie styled intro appeared on screen. God she loved how Dylan knew Death Proof was the perfect first choice.
A couple of hours later, the floor was officially littered with empty beer bottles, they were halfway through their third movie and three quarters of the way through the case of beer. Alex had stopped drinking as many though, about halfway through the second movie, her mind wasn't where she wanted it to be. She found the boys bottle of vodka, of course, they weren't happy to see their girl hurt like that, hurt so bad she felt she had to wash it away with crystal clear liquid, but both knew that with time she'd talk. And if not time wasn't enough.. then alcohol would do it. Especially at the rate she was going at it.
The credits started to roll and Dylan got up to put in a new movie in. That's when he heard Alex start to mumble, Joe had gone out for a smoke, so he turned around, he was all ears for his friend.
"You.. yknow," she had a hard time forming a decent sentence without slurring at this point, "whaJoe said bfore...it...it twas a lie."
Dylan made his way back to her, "what did Joe say that was a lie?" He kept calm, it was the best thing to do. Losing his cool meant things would get out of hand, she'd shut down even more, and that would ultimately hurt more.
Joe had come back in only pick up the last part of Dylan's sentence. When he walked in, he saw Alex was starting to talk, so he took a seat as well, "I lied?" He asked her.
Alex nodded more violently then intended. "Ysss, you..you did."
They wanted her to talk, so they pushed, slowly, "can... can you explain how I lied Alex?"
Alex's face seemed to concentrate for a bit. "You.. you said she.. she wasn't worth the fight. You lied, she .... she is more than worth the fight.... she's... she's the only thing, only thing thamatters."
Dylan spoke up, "how can you say that Lex? That girl, she walked away from you, without trying to fight for you. How can you say she's still worth you being so broken hearted? She walked away from the best girl who could have ever set eyes on her."
These were the times that she remembered why she loved these tough guys so much. Sure, they could play rough, and sure, they could be nasty, but anyone who took the time to get to know them, if you showed them trust, if they cared about you, they were the best pals anyone could have asked for. She smiled as she realized how much she loved when she could get through to them. She smiled even more when she remembered how no matter what, these guys would never bring it up again, unless she brought it up first. They knew how hard it was to open up.
"Because Dill. Because Joe... Because, causeshe was the one."
"You can't know that Lex.." Joe replied, he felt terrible that his friend was hurting so much.
"I can. I can.. and I did, and I... I still know. She.. she made everything, everything bad diss....disss....dissappear. She was my everything....She had, has, and will always, always, you BOTH hear me? A.L.W.A.Y.S. have, my heart, soul and mind."
"Lexi....you know, there are plenty more fish..." Dylan tried.
"I DON'T WANT ANY OTHER GODDAM FISH! I DON'T CARE HOW FUCKIN BIG THE FUCKIN OCEAN IS! SHE WAS MY FISH! SHE WAS IN MY OCEAN! SHE ... SHE...SH....She....she was everything." That was it, everything she'd held back, she let go, the tears, they started to fall freely. Nothing could stop them now. She couldn't stop them even though she wanted nothing to do with them at the moment. She tried wiping them away, but she felt two strong hands grab her wrist.
Dylan and Joe, they weren't the touchy feely kind, and they knew Alex wasn't either, well... not with them, it was why they'd never had an issue with her, to them, she was one of the guys, with just a smaller build. They had seen her a few times back home, they'd seen her in action, and they knew she could handle her own, but they also knew, that just like guys, she was only human. Even though they all seemed tough, they were all human, they knew they'd all at one point or another felt the need to cry, or have someone be there for them, even if they didn't want to admit it. They knew how hard it was for someone like them, or like Alex, to open up like that, and that's why, when it happened, they never reminded her, they knew how much harder things were if you had someone nagging you continuously. So, they did what they always did when one of the guys had a REALLY, really tough time, and couldn't hold it anymore. They were there for each other, and they were there for Alex that night.
They each grabbed one wrist and stopped her from wiping at the tears, knowing that would only make things worse. They held her while she cried, sobbed, mumbled things and when she had passed out, partially due to the alcohol she'd consumed, Joe took notice of the three quarter empty bottle, which was originally full when Alex got to it, and partially due to her mental state, Dylan picked her up. He carried her to his bedroom and he lay her down and tucked her in. He knew Joe would be in the process of cleaning up and he went to help him. That way, in the morning, the only reminder of what had happened at the apartment would be waking up there. Seeing what she had to drink and everything else, wouldn't help.
Alex was barely conscious enough to feel herself being picked up, she didn't know what was happening, but she knew she was safe. She felt she was being put down and she relaxed into the mattress, she knew her sleep wouldn't be peaceful, how could it ever be, when "the one" was no longer there...Her final thoughts were of Marissa, and as the numbness took over her, she fell into a restless night.