While complaining about never being able to perform Spring Awakening in my Drama class, my friend suggested that I write a condensed version that he could assist me in performing. I think he was joking, but I did it anyway.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even Steffi D. And that is sad.

Spring Awakening: The Condensed Version

Act 1

Scene 1: The Bergman Residence

Frau Bergman: Wendla! Your sister just had a baby!

Wendla: Wow, that's actually really ironic, because I was just about to ask you where babies come from.

Frau Bergman: *gasp!* Shut your filthy mouth, child, and put on a dress about two feet longer!

Wendla: (whining) Mama!

Frau Bergman: *mumble* baby *mumble* love *mumble* husband *mumble* There you go!

Wendla: (whinier) MAMA!

Scene 2: Latin Class

Moritz: *snore*

Teacher: Herr Stiefel! Recite Latin!

Moritz: Uh…

Teacher: Time's up! (smacks him)

Melchior: Oh, come on!

Teacher: Shut up! (smacks him, too)

Melchior: Grrrr…d**m you, authority!

Moritz: Melchi, help me! I had a naked dream! (sucks thumb)

Melchior: And..?

Moritz: I'M SO SCARED!

Melchior: *sigh* Fine. You want me to write you an essay?

Moritz: (nods with thumb in mouth)

Teacher 1: Dude, Moritz sucks.

Teacher 2: Mhm.

Scene 3: The Girls' Spot (Wherever That May Be)/Georg's Piano Lesson/Hanschen's Bathroom

Thea: I LOVE MELCHIOR!

Anna: Me, too!

Wendla: Me, three!

Martha: *mumble* Moritz *mumble*

Thea: *epic gasp* MELCHIOR. GABOR. IS. JESUS!

Fraulien Grossebustenhalter: Well, Georg, time to play the piano and ogle at my ample bosom.

Georg: (drools)

Hanschen: Shall I engage in acts of self pleasure? Well, no time like the present.

Herr Rilow: Son! Hurry up! I have to pee!

Scene 4: Melchior's Room

Melchior: (writing in journal) Angst…angst…angst…

Moritz: OMG Melchi, I'm screwed!

Melchior: *blank stare*

Moritz: I'm so terrified! That essay gave me more NIGHTMARES! (sucks thumb again)

Scene 5: Melchior's Random Spot In The Woods

Wendla: Melchior? Fancy meeting you in this random patch of wilderness! What's up?

Melchior: Well, you know, just fathoming some radical ideas.

Both: (stare lovingly and sigh)

Scene 6: School

Moritz: Yippee! I passed!

Teachers: Mwahahaha…

Scene 7: Somewhere On The Way Back To The Girls' Houses

Thea: Martha, your hair is lame.

Wendla: Let's cut it!

Martha: No! My dad will beat and rape me!

Anna: OMG, we have to tell!

Martha: No!

Anna: Yes!

Martha: No! Shut up! You're so annoying!

Wendla: Hmmm…beaten…

Ilse: (pops out of nowhere) Dude, you get abused too?!

Ilse & Martha: (high five)

Scene 8: Melchior's Woods Spot/Wherever The Teachers Break The News To Moritz

Teachers: You fail.

Moritz: *sob*

Wendla: Melchi, will you hit me with this stick?

Melchior: No, you crazy b**ch!

Wendla: (lifts up dress) Please?

Melchior: How dare you tease me! (beats her up and runs away)

Wendla: *sob* Why am I so dumb?!

Scene 9: The Stiefel Residence

Moritz: Daddy, I flunked.

Herr Stiefel: (smack) You piece of crap.

Scene 10: The Gabor Residence/Wherever Moritz Is Reading The Letter

Frau Gabor: Dear Moritz: Just because you're my son's friend doesn't mean I have to give you cash or take your suicide threat literally. Love, Melchior's mom.

Moritz: (takes out gun)

Scene 11: Melchior's Hayloft

Melchior: Angst-ing in my hayloft…

Wendla: Hi!

Melchior: Go away.

Wendla: (hugs him) I'm sorry I asked you to hit me and showed you my half naked bum.

Melchior: (pauses, then pounces on her)

Wendla: Stop! We can't!

Melchior: Why not?

Wendla: Touché.

Melchior & Wendla: (continue)

*INTERMISSION*

Act 2

Scene 1: Church/Melchior's Hayloft

Priest: Sex is bad!

Melchior: Liar.

Scene 2: Yet Another Random Spot In The Woods

Moritz: Rawr! Now I'm officially CRAZY!

Ilse: Good afternoon.

Moritz: OMG HALF NUDE FEMALE!

Ilse: Come to my house!

Moritz: Sorry, can't.

Ilse: I'll give you lovin'!

Moritz: I can't - wait, what?

Ilse: Too late. You're really oblivious. (runs off)

Moritz: Dang. (dies)

Scene 3: The Funeral

Melchior: It's your fault.

Herr Stiefel: No, it's not.

Melchior: You killed him.

Herr Stiefel: No, I didn't.

Melchior: SHAME.

Herr Stiefel: *sob* Stop guilt tripping me!

Scene 4: Office At School

Teacher 1: Melchior, did you write this?

Melchior: Yes.

Teacher 2: Okay, now go away.

Melchior: …eff.

Scene 5: The Vineyard

Hanschen: Ernst?

Ernst: *dreamy sigh* Yes, Hanschen?

Hanschen: Can I just, you know, do whatever I want?

Ernst: *another dreamy sigh* Okay.

Hanschen: (jumps on him)

Scene 6: Wendla's Room/The Gabor Residence

Doctor: You're knocked up.

Wendla: Say whaaa?

Frau Bergman: Devil child! (smack)

Frau Gabor: Well, it appears my son is a rapist. Okay, reformatory.

Scene 7: Reformatory/Street Near Underground 1800s Abortion Clinic

Melchior: Sheesh, the guys here are nasty. (reads letter) Wendla's knocked up! Time to escape!

Wendla: Mama, where are we?

Frau Bergman: Oh, um, it's just -

Scary Doctor: (grabs Wendla)

Wendla: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

*I have conveniently removed Scene 8 due to it being pointless*

Scene 9: Graveyard

Melchior: Here's the grave of Moritz, and here's…Wendla?! Ah, well. (takes out razor)

Ghosts of Wendla & Moritz: Don't do it, Melchi!

Melchior: (shrugs) Okay.

Scene 10: Finale-Land

Ilse: Um…well…bye, everyone! Drive safe!

*Afterward added by yours truly*

Otto: Honestly, did I really have a point in this play at all? (walks off mumbling to himself)

The End