While complaining about never being able to perform Spring Awakening in my Drama class, my friend suggested that I write a condensed version that he could assist me in performing. I think he was joking, but I did it anyway.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even Steffi D. And that is sad.
Spring Awakening: The Condensed Version
Scene 1: The Bergman Residence
Frau Bergman: Wendla! Your sister just had a baby!
Wendla: Wow, that's actually really ironic, because I was just about to ask you where babies come from.
Frau Bergman: *gasp!* Shut your filthy mouth, child, and put on a dress about two feet longer!
Wendla: (whining) Mama!
Frau Bergman: *mumble* baby *mumble* love *mumble* husband *mumble* There you go!
Wendla: (whinier) MAMA!
Scene 2: Latin Class
Teacher: Herr Stiefel! Recite Latin!
Teacher: Time's up! (smacks him)
Melchior: Oh, come on!
Teacher: Shut up! (smacks him, too)
Melchior: Grrrr…d**m you, authority!
Moritz: Melchi, help me! I had a naked dream! (sucks thumb)
Moritz: I'M SO SCARED!
Melchior: *sigh* Fine. You want me to write you an essay?
Moritz: (nods with thumb in mouth)
Teacher 1: Dude, Moritz sucks.
Teacher 2: Mhm.
Scene 3: The Girls' Spot (Wherever That May Be)/Georg's Piano Lesson/Hanschen's Bathroom
Thea: I LOVE MELCHIOR!
Anna: Me, too!
Wendla: Me, three!
Martha: *mumble* Moritz *mumble*
Thea: *epic gasp* MELCHIOR. GABOR. IS. JESUS!
Fraulien Grossebustenhalter: Well, Georg, time to play the piano and ogle at my ample bosom.
Hanschen: Shall I engage in acts of self pleasure? Well, no time like the present.
Herr Rilow: Son! Hurry up! I have to pee!
Scene 4: Melchior's Room
Melchior: (writing in journal) Angst…angst…angst…
Moritz: OMG Melchi, I'm screwed!
Melchior: *blank stare*
Moritz: I'm so terrified! That essay gave me more NIGHTMARES! (sucks thumb again)
Scene 5: Melchior's Random Spot In The Woods
Wendla: Melchior? Fancy meeting you in this random patch of wilderness! What's up?
Melchior: Well, you know, just fathoming some radical ideas.
Both: (stare lovingly and sigh)
Scene 6: School
Moritz: Yippee! I passed!
Scene 7: Somewhere On The Way Back To The Girls' Houses
Thea: Martha, your hair is lame.
Wendla: Let's cut it!
Martha: No! My dad will beat and rape me!
Anna: OMG, we have to tell!
Martha: No! Shut up! You're so annoying!
Ilse: (pops out of nowhere) Dude, you get abused too?!
Ilse & Martha: (high five)
Scene 8: Melchior's Woods Spot/Wherever The Teachers Break The News To Moritz
Teachers: You fail.
Wendla: Melchi, will you hit me with this stick?
Melchior: No, you crazy b**ch!
Wendla: (lifts up dress) Please?
Melchior: How dare you tease me! (beats her up and runs away)
Wendla: *sob* Why am I so dumb?!
Scene 9: The Stiefel Residence
Moritz: Daddy, I flunked.
Herr Stiefel: (smack) You piece of crap.
Scene 10: The Gabor Residence/Wherever Moritz Is Reading The Letter
Frau Gabor: Dear Moritz: Just because you're my son's friend doesn't mean I have to give you cash or take your suicide threat literally. Love, Melchior's mom.
Moritz: (takes out gun)
Scene 11: Melchior's Hayloft
Melchior: Angst-ing in my hayloft…
Melchior: Go away.
Wendla: (hugs him) I'm sorry I asked you to hit me and showed you my half naked bum.
Melchior: (pauses, then pounces on her)
Wendla: Stop! We can't!
Melchior: Why not?
Melchior & Wendla: (continue)
Scene 1: Church/Melchior's Hayloft
Priest: Sex is bad!
Scene 2: Yet Another Random Spot In The Woods
Moritz: Rawr! Now I'm officially CRAZY!
Ilse: Good afternoon.
Moritz: OMG HALF NUDE FEMALE!
Ilse: Come to my house!
Moritz: Sorry, can't.
Ilse: I'll give you lovin'!
Moritz: I can't - wait, what?
Ilse: Too late. You're really oblivious. (runs off)
Moritz: Dang. (dies)
Scene 3: The Funeral
Melchior: It's your fault.
Herr Stiefel: No, it's not.
Melchior: You killed him.
Herr Stiefel: No, I didn't.
Herr Stiefel: *sob* Stop guilt tripping me!
Scene 4: Office At School
Teacher 1: Melchior, did you write this?
Teacher 2: Okay, now go away.
Scene 5: The Vineyard
Ernst: *dreamy sigh* Yes, Hanschen?
Hanschen: Can I just, you know, do whatever I want?
Ernst: *another dreamy sigh* Okay.
Hanschen: (jumps on him)
Scene 6: Wendla's Room/The Gabor Residence
Doctor: You're knocked up.
Wendla: Say whaaa?
Frau Bergman: Devil child! (smack)
Frau Gabor: Well, it appears my son is a rapist. Okay, reformatory.
Scene 7: Reformatory/Street Near Underground 1800s Abortion Clinic
Melchior: Sheesh, the guys here are nasty. (reads letter) Wendla's knocked up! Time to escape!
Wendla: Mama, where are we?
Frau Bergman: Oh, um, it's just -
Scary Doctor: (grabs Wendla)
*I have conveniently removed Scene 8 due to it being pointless*
Scene 9: Graveyard
Melchior: Here's the grave of Moritz, and here's…Wendla?! Ah, well. (takes out razor)
Ghosts of Wendla & Moritz: Don't do it, Melchi!
Melchior: (shrugs) Okay.
Scene 10: Finale-Land
Ilse: Um…well…bye, everyone! Drive safe!
*Afterward added by yours truly*
Otto: Honestly, did I really have a point in this play at all? (walks off mumbling to himself)