Disclaimer: I am a poor, broke Med student. I wish I owned more than a stethoscope.

AN: Hope everyone likes this. I actually based a part of this off of a dream I had - the part as you will see when Lily's in Transfiguration - which was actually very funny (and Channing Tatum was in it:)) but I couldn't seem to get the funny-ness (lol) to translate...Oh well, I tried. There are probably a million mistakes b/c I suck at proofreading – so, I apologize for that.

So here's another fluffy, pointless (really really long) oneshot but whatevs, I love the fluff :)


Bloody, utterly useless.

I groaned, dropping my wand on the table beside my miserable excuse of a Transfiguration practical assignment and watched sulkily as it rolled away off the table and onto the floor.

Great. Now I had to go pick it up.

Transfiguration was so stupid (and my thoughts on the subject had nothing to do with the fact that now in my seventh year at Hogwarts, I was still completely inept at it).

Charms , on the other hand, I loved. Now there's a useful subject. One can do so much with Charms.

And Potions.

Wonderful subjects if you asked me.

But Transfiguration? When in the world would I ever need to know how to transfigure a teapot into a bird? In the middle of a fight, would I say to a Death Eater – 'Oy, hold on a minute! Let me just find a kettle and try to change it into a bird so that it can attack you, yeah.'

I think not.

Glowering at my now misshapen teapot (I honestly have no idea what it had tried to turn itself into a few minutes ago on my last attempt), I grabbed my wand off the floor and tried once more to transfigure it into some semblance of a bird.

I muttered the incantation grumpily and watched as my teapot sprouted wings where the handles once were, gave a feeble sort of hop right over to the edge of the table and fell where it shattered into a number of pieces.

Honestly. The pot-bird was even more pathetic than I was. Was it really trying to fly?

All the same, I felt ready to cry. Or punch something.

I was going to fail Transfiguration - especially tomorrow if McGonagall decided to make me actually show her how to transfigure a stupid bird. I wouldn't be able to pass off Marlene's perfectly transfigured object as my own with her watching my every move.

Maybe I should find another teapot and throw it – let it join its relative on the floor. That might make me feel a little better.

"Alright there, Evans?" A deep, male voice (that was the bane of my existence) interrupted my thoughts on finding other things in the room to smash.

A very sexy, deep, male voice. Not that I would ever admit that out loud.

"What do you want, Potter?" I asked, half-turning to him only to do a double take (which I really hope was not completely obvious) as I realized that a very shirtless, half-wet James Potter was walking down the stairs to our shared, Heads common room.

From the looks of it he had just taken a shower and had pulled on a pair of baggy, grey sweats over his boxers (not that I was looking down there or anything). He towelled off his wet hair as he walked over to me and was soon close enough so that I could see beads of water dancing their way down his oh-so-scrumptious, muscled chest...and shoulders...and abs...sigh.

I watched a particular bead of water as it made its way down his neck, over his chest, down those hard-as-rock-looking abs of his and disappear into...

"Lily?" James' voice snapped me out of my not-so-innocent thoughts.

"Huh?" I asked, jumping a little and looked up to find his gorgeous hazel eyes now amusedly staring into mine.

Oh boy. I needed help. And not just with Transfiguration.

"What exactly are you trying to do?"

He dropped his towel onto the desk and bent down on the floor to look at the remnants of my Transfiguration assignment.

"Reparo" he said, pointing his wand at the mess.

Instantly the wings disappeared and the shards flew back into the form of a teapot. He straightened up and put it back onto the table. I couldn't help but notice that the movement made the muscles of his abdomen contract a little and I could just imagine what his skin would feel like, what the muscles would feel like under my fingers as I ran them over his body...

Oh. My. God.

This Potter infatuation needed to stop. NOW.

I gulped and took a deep breath, trying to steady my rapidly beating heart. Honestly, one glimpse of a shirtless (very attractive) guy and I go into teenage-hormone-crazed-girly mode.

"I'm trying not to embarrass myself in transfiguration tomorrow."

James smirked and dropped himself into the chair beside me. "You're not doing such a hot job."

I shot him my most hateful glare.

Remind me why I started to fancy him again?

"Thank you, Captain Obvious" I grumbled.

He simply returned in kind with that adorable grin of his.


That's why. Well, one of the many reasons.

"You're going about it all wrong," he said.

"How so, oh great Transfiguration God?" I asked, sarcastically.

Although really, the name probably fit. James really was quite brilliant at the subject.

A sly grin crept across his features. "Will you call me that in the bedroom, love?"

I gulped inaudibly (or at least I hope it was inaudible) at his use of the term love. I mean he's said it loads of times before...but still...just the way he said it...

Ugh. I officially suck. At Transfiguration. At hormones (although, I don't really know how one can suck at hormones). At life.

Quickly, I tried to gather my wits about me. I narrowed my eyes at him, grabbed the teapot lid and threw it at his face but, being the brilliant, star Quidditch Chaser he was, his reflexes quickly kicked in and caught it, despite my horrible aim.

James only chuckled as I glowered at him some more. "There's your problem, love-"


"-you need to relax. Calm down. Stop being so angry. The poor teapot did nothing to you. Stop giving it the glare you usually only save for me."

"See, like that" he said pointing at me as my glare intensified.

I threw up my hands in frustration. "Nothing can help me! I'm dreadful at Transfiguration!"

Okay, maybe I was being a little melodramatic but I could not help it. I really was dreadful. Hence, the flying (if you could call it flying) and crashing teapot.

"Look," James said, picking up my wand, "...you just have to concentrate. Watch my wrist movement."

I watched in ill-disguised awe as he smoothly flicked his wrist while muttering the incantation under his breath and the stupid teapot easily transformed into a graceful, white dove. It flew around the room a few times and then landed once more back on the table where James immediately transformed it back into a teapot with a simple flick of his hand.

"Show off" I grumbled, now very annoyed.

He chuckled, pulling his chair closer to me and grabbed my hand in his.

I think my hand tingled for a good hour after he touched me.

"The wrist movement is like this-" he said, my hand still (tingling) in his as he demonstrated the action once more. "Now try it on your own."

I sighed and made the mistake of looking up into his eyes once more. I couldn't say no.

Ugh. What's happening to me?

"Fine," I muttered grudgingly. Why not embarrass myself once more in front of the object of my lustful affections?

I concentrated on the teapot in front of me, tried to mimic his previous wrist movement and watched hopefully as my teapot began to transform. First it grew a beak, then these weird chicken leg things...and with a loud 'Squawk' began to scuttle around the table like some deranged robot-toy with its batteries all in a tizzy.

"What the hell!" I practically screeched, jumping from my chair in partial fright as James started howling with laughter beside me.

"Shut the hell up, Potter!" I exclaimed, furiously. "Make it stop!"

The stupid prat however, would not stop laughing. He kept banging the table making the stupid teapot scuttle around some more.

Annoyed, I threw my wand at him. Unlike the teapot lid though, this did hit him in the face. It's too bad it didn't cause much damage (which would have been very helpful to me because then I would have no reason to stare at his gorgeous, yet annoying face anymore).

Still chuckling, James pointed the wand at the crazed teapot and immediately transfigured it back into what normal teapots should be like – you know, like not moving on its own and stuff.

I groaned and buried my head in my hands.

"I'm such a failure at life," I moaned.

"Aw, no you're not Lils," James said. All of a sudden I felt his two hands start massaging my shoulders.

Well...that felt nice.

"You're just a failure at Transfiguration," he continued. I could practically hear the smirk in his voice.

I elbowed him in the gut which only caused him to start laughing again.

"I hate you," I mumbled.

He chuckled. "No you don't," he replied in what seemed like an all-too-knowing voice.

I glanced up at him to see him looking at me with a very unsettling expression. As though he realized that instead of trying to avoid talking to him like I did before, I now found silly excuses – like discussing prefect rosters and patrol schedules – just to hear his voice and have him talk to me. As though he knew the only reason I went to Quidditch practices was so I could sometimes catch him without a shirt on and not because I was waiting for Marlene like I told everyone. As if he knew I fancied him. A lot.

Oh shit.

I really, really hoped he still fancied me else all my emotional turmoil would be for nothing.

Trying to save face and muster up whatever little dignity I had left of the situation, I narrowed my eyes at him and replied sarcastically: "Don't you just wish, Potter."

I grabbed my things and stood up. "I'm going to bed," I added, plaintively.

"Don't you want your teapot?" he asked, innocently.

I punched him (really hard) on the arm as I walked away, trying to ignore the sounds of his chuckling behind me.

"We will continue today's lesson with live animal transfiguration," Professor McGonagall stated the next day, her gaze beadily surveying the classroom and I swear it landed on me. "It is a rather simple process and I will be walking around noting your progress so be prepared to show me what you have accomplished."

From my seat near the back of the classroom, I snorted.

Simple? Battling a lake full of grindolows was simple. Dealing with a forest full of hundred-foot tall spiders was simple. Controlling myself around a shirtless James Potter was – well, you get the idea.

This? Not simple.

"Don't worry, Lily," Marlene said from her seat beside me as the class started bustling around, noisily getting their teapots ready for practice. "If you fail Transfiguration, at least you know James is good at it. Your kid will at least be half decent."

I threw her a glare as she started laughing as if she had said the funniest thing in the world. Some best friend she was. I had once considered taking applications for new ones. I think I should consider that idea again. But then there was the whole process of reading through them and doing interviews...I really couldn't be bothered.

"Maybe she won't pick on me today," I mused, jabbing at my teapot with my wand.


"Doubtful. She loves to pick on you," Marlene answered breezily as she skilfully turned her teapot into...well, some kind of pretty-looking bird.

Honestly. She was absolutely no help.

Sighing, I turned back to my own woeful attempts of bird transformations and spent the next twenty minutes trying to get my teapot to turn into some semblance of a bird (while sneaking glances at one dark, messy-haired boy a little ways off in front of me because I did have a quite a perfect view of him in Transfiguration and it would be a shame to not utilize that view). It managed to sprout a wing in those twenty minutes.

Was it really possible for me to be even more horrendous than I was the night before?

The teapot's wing fell off.

Apparently so.

"I give up," I grumbled, dropping my wand and flopping back onto my chair.

"Aw, just keep trying Lils. You'll get it soon enough," Marlene said encouragingly.

"That's what I'm doing," I answered through gritted teeth.

I looked around the classroom noting my fellow classmates progress. I swear, everyone was better off than me. Even Peter had managed to turn his teapot into a duck which was now waddling around and making these weird quacking/hissing (almost like a kettle) noise. Well, it was sort of a bird...that could not fly...but close enough.

My gaze then fell on James. He was lounging back in his chair, lazily turning his teapot back and forth into different types of birds while joking around with Sirius.

I rolled my eyes and picked up my wand. What had Potter told me? Concentrate...right. My gaze fell on him again.

He had ditched his robes and tie and rolled up the sleeves of his school shirt to his elbows. I could see the muscles in his forearm moving as he waved his wand. That obviously sent me off into another daydream where I found myself imagining what those arms would feel like wrapped around me...


I jumped and screamed as the loud screeching sound brought me out of my reverie.

"Oh my god, Lily! What the fuck did you do?" Marlene cried.

What did I do? I stared at the thing in front of me, unable to move and couldn't believe my eyes. Instead of a nice, little teapot or a nice, tiny bird, I had somehow managed to transfigure the teapot into a giant – and I mean giant – ostrich-y thing (or was it a chicken?). It looked part ostrich, part chicken (an Ostrichicken?) – I couldn't decide. I noticed the teapot lid on its head acting like a hat. I would have laughed if the thing was not glaring at me (yes, glaring) with these freaky, glowing red eyes.

Then without warning, my crazed Ostrichicken let out another loud 'squawk' and took off madly around the classroom. Half of the class was in hysterics. The other half was screaming as they all tried to duck out of the way of the bloody thing.

"Oh for heaven's sake, calm down!" McGonagall bellowed.

But no one paid her any heed. Especially me as my creation decided to turn its attention back on me and stared at me for one eerie second. I just knew it was ready to pounce and kill me (which in hindsight, I really do not appreciate. I mean, I did give the thing life. It should appreciate me, not try to kill me).

I screamed as the Ostrichicken lunged at me and I managed to scramble up over my desk, jump over Justin Meyer's desk (stepping on his poor bird in the process) and land right beside – of course, who else – James. Sirius was practically rolling around on the floor laughing his arse off. James looked as though he didn't know whether to laugh or try to protect me from the deranged bird. Obviously, he should have been more about the protecting but he opted for the laughing.


The thing lunged at me again and I managed to hurtle around a few desks (screaming all the while, I might add) and make it to the front of the room while everyone else either watched in frozen horror, laughed their brains out (ahem, Sirius and James) or chased after the thing trying to stop it (thank you Marlene and Remus). Professor McGonagall had toppled onto the floor which might have been my fault as I somewhat ran into her during my escape route.

Oh my god. Was that thing still following me?

I felt a beak nip at my shirt and I screamed again, turning around a little. And in that split second the bird decided to stare me down with its creepy eyes again, one thought came to my mind.

Ostriches can run really fast, Lily. You have to run!

So I ran.

(Not screaming like a five year old by the way).

I can just imagine the scene. The Head Girl running down the Transfiguration hallway being chased by some giant, deranged, hybrid bird.

Stupid Potter and his sexy arms and his bloody concentration idea. This was so his fault.

I kept running down the hallway, fearing for my life (because I realized I didn't have my wand on me), hearing muffled shouts behind me along with the squawking of the Ostrichicken (I think its half-chicken genes slowed it down a little to be honest – I got lucky).

Then I stopped because I realized I had backed myself into a huge corner. I had neared the end of the hallway where I had three options.

Run straight into a wall.

Topple over the balcony onto one of the moving staircases way down below.

Or just drop and play dead.

Option three sounded very appealing at that moment.

I slowly turned around, breathing heavily and nervously staring at the manic bird. It had slowed down as well and was eyeing me beadily as if calculating its next assassin move. (On a side note, maybe I should work for the mafia or something – I could make them these crazy, killer birds and make a fortune off of them. Huh.)

Then without warning, the thing lunged at me (again!) and as I screamed and tried to move away, I felt its beak-thing latch onto my hand - hard.

Ouch. That hurt.

It tried to attack me again and in my haste to get away, I tripped and almost toppled over the balcony if it had not been for a pair of strong arms that reached out and grabbed me before I fell. Very nice strong arms that belonged to an equally strong body that smelt equally as good.

I heard a loud "Stupefy," a thunk as my crazy creation fell to the floor stunned and eerie silence that soon followed.

I slowly looked up to see McGonagall holding out her wand, her face bright red (I'm positive mine was even more red), Marlene anxiously biting her nails staring at the spot where the Ostrichicken had fallen and half of the Transfiguration class staring in shock. Except the shock was soon replaced by snickering. A lot of snickering.

I was going to be the laughingstock of the whole school

Now everyone knew about my transfiguration failures. I felt like crying.

"Miss Evans!" McGonagall looked like she was ready to breathe fire. "Never...in all my years...ever..." she trailed off, glaring at me.

Then she turned to look at the chortling class (honestly, like they'd never done anything stupid before like transfigure crazed birds that attacked people - hmmph) and snapped at them to get back to class.

I think she was a little pissed that I knocked her over. To be fair though, I can't be bothered about being careful not to knock teachers over while I run away - my life was in danger.

Turning back to me, she snapped: "Potter!"

I jumped realizing that James still had me in his arms and I was clutching onto the front of his shirt.

"Take Evans up to the hospital wing. She's bleeding."

She then turned and briskly walked back down the hallway.

Huh. I was bleeding, I noticed. Apparently the crazy, delinquent bird had taken off a chunk of my skin. Ew.

"Are you okay?" James was looking down at me with a concerned expression on his face but I could see the corners of his mouth twitching slightly.

If possible, I turned even redder than before. Of course, he would be there to see me like this.

"Don't laugh at me," I whined.

"I'm not laughing." There was a definite twinkle in his eye now and more twitching of his lips.

I let out a strangled moan and buried my head in his chest to hide from the utter embarrassment. Although, who I am kidding? Really it was just an excuse to touch him longer (and smell him some more).

Crazy ostrich-chicken birds try to kill me and I was relishing the feeling of being in James Potter's arms (even if he was laughing at me).

I really am hopeless.

I always thought Madame Pomfrey was nice. I thought she cared about the plights of the students that entered her hospital wing in search of a cure to their ailments – or you know, for a bandage or something. I thought that she healed them with the utmost care and sympathy.

Obviously I was wrong.

"You were bitten by what?"

Were the corners of her mouth twitching?

"An Ostrichicken," I answered huffily. "You know...like an Ostrich...and a chicken..."

Beside me, James started snickering all over again.

I wanted to punch him in the face. He'd been doing that the entire time I was explaining my story to Madame Pomfrey. Who by the way, was definitely laughing at me as well.


"Does he really need to be here?" I asked her, shooting him yet another glare.

"Not exactly..." Madame Pomfrey answered, glancing curiously over at James while she slathered some goopy ointment onto my hand.

"Actually," James interrupted smoothly, "...Professor McGonagall insisted that I stay with Miss Evans because she is in such a fragile state right now and who knows what else she could accidentally transfigure."

She did not say that!

And I most definitely will not accidentally transfigure anything else into something crazy.

I don't even have my wand.

Madame Pomfrey looked disbelievingly at him but said nothing. She grabbed a set of bandages and began to bandage my hand.

When she was all done she stood up, saying: "I'll just get a potion for the pain, Miss Evans. I'll be just a minute."

I stared moodily at the doorway she had just disappeared through. There was a cramp in my leg from sitting for such a long period of time so I got up and started pacing about the room in hopes of getting rid of it.

James eyed my movements for a little while before speaking up. "So what exactly were you thinking of when you transfigured that thing?"

Oh nothing. Just your delicious body...

"Nothing," I snapped.

He smirked and stood up, coming over to where I was pacing.

"You know, Evans, when I said relax...I didn't mean quite that much. I mean, you did have to think just a little bit."

I gritted my teeth as he stood directly in front of me, minimizing my pacing capacity.

"I know that," I muttered.

Great, the arms inside of the rolled up shirt sleeves that got me into this mess in the first place were in extra plain view.

He grinned mischievously, "...and I thought your teapot with legs was funny..."


"This is all your fault!" I blurted out.

Uh oh. Maybe that came out a little more harshly than I intended. He looked somewhat affronted.

James raised an eyebrow. "My fault? How the bloody fuck is this my fault?"

"Because," I cried, all the frustration of the afternoon finally catching up to me, "...I was thinking about how hopeless I am at Transfiguration and how good you were and then that made me remember what you told me last night. So I tried to concentrate but then that made me think about you in the common room without your shirt on-"

Oh my Merlin, Lily. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up this instant.

But I couldn't stop. I just kept on rambling completely missing the slow, almost wicked grin that was now spreading across James' face.

"-and then you were just sitting in class looking like that and I couldn't stop thinking about your stupid arms and before I knew it there was a giant, deranged bird staring me in the face-"


"-I didn't know what to do and Marlene was obviously no help and then it started attacking everyone and I was too stunned to even think about stupefying it which just goes to show maybe I really am not cut out for this stuff-"

"Lily stop-"

I cut off James' attempts to shut me up once more. "-really, they should not have made me Head Girl. I mean what Head Girl is so bloody lousy at Transfiguration that she can't do a simple spell which by the way, really isn't that simple. McGonagall must be sniffing dungbombs or something if she thinks that is simp-"

Before I knew it, I felt a pair of arms grab me and almost roughly push me back against a countertop with a bunch of medicines on it, successfully cutting off my tirade as a pair of very soft lips descended upon mine.

I was too stunned to move.

James Potter was kissing me. Really kissing me. And it was...incredible.

There was no gentleness in his movements. His lips moved against mine urgently (after I finally realized what was going on and kissed him back, probably twice as eagerly) as his hands skimmed the length of my body before coming to a stop on my waist. He pulled me even closer to him, those arms of his (finally) wrapping themselves around me completely as my own hands wandered (probably in a very slaggish manner along with probably very slaggy noises on my part...but I was too far gone in his kisses to care) all over his chest, his back, feeling those lovely Quidditch muscles tense under my touch. He let out gruff moan as my wandering hands ended up in his hair and without warning, I felt myself being lifted up onto the countertop behind me.

I distinctly heard a few medicine bottles crashing to the floor beside me but ignored it because...well, what would any sane girl do if she had an incredibly hot guy who could do incredible things with his mouth, snogging her?

Yeah, I thought so.

I let out an involuntary moan as his teeth lightly nipped at my bottom lip, allowing his tongue to slip inside my mouth...where, I mean...wow-I was in heaven...


I almost toppled off the table at the loud shriek coming from just inside the doorway to the hospital wing, as I practically ripped my mouth away from James and shoved him backwards away from me. His hair looked even more dishevelled than usual...yum...

I chanced a glance at Madame Pomfrey who looked positively livid.

"I cannot believe this...Head students...in my hospital wing," she paused, glaring at us, then: "OUT!" she shrieked.

"Umm...what about my pain med-"

"OUT!" she shrieked again.

Well, I didn't need to be told again. Hurriedly, I jumped off the table and grabbed James hand, pulling him along with me. He did not seem fazed in the least. In fact, the stupid prat had his usual cocky, smirk already plastered on his face.

"Poppy," he said simply nodding his head at Madame Pomfrey who looked about ready to kill him as I tugged him out of the hospital wing.

We made it all the way to the end of the hallway before we both started laughing like crazed lunatics where I found myself being pushed up against a wall once more.

"Did you see her face?" I giggled.

James nodded his gaze fixated on my lips as he bent down to kiss me again. "Uh huh..."

"Mmm..." I sighed as he sucked my bottom lip into his mouth.

"Miss Evans, never would I have expected such behaviour from you," he mumbled against my mouth. I felt his grin. "Snogging a boy in the hospital wing? Tsk tsk."

"Well I am in a fragile state of mind right now. Remember?"

James chuckled and I pulled away from him as a thought occurred to me.

"Do you think she'll tell McGonagall? Maybe we should go back to Transfiguration..." I trailed off as I noticed the expression on his face. One that clearly said: who in their right mind would consider going back to class right now?

I guess he did have a point.

"Evans love, I've waited a good couple of years for this," James said pulling me even tighter to him (if that were even possible), "...and we have about twenty minutes before our next class. That's twenty minutes for me to find a broom closet somewhere and snog you senseless...so I intend to make good use of that time."

Well, who was I to argue with that logic?

"Good idea," I whispered as his lips claimed mine once again, all thoughts of Transfiguration and deranged birds (thank you Ostrichicken by the way – who knew the psychotic bird would work to my advantage?) completely leaving my mind.

The End