Disclaimer: It's JKR's sandbox, I am merely playing


Ten things I suppose I like by Severus Snape


1 - Madam Malkin's Extra Billowy Robes

In my tenure at Hogwarts I have found that nothing tends to strike fear in the hearts of first years quite like a set of Extra Billowy Robes. I have several sets in a variety of colours; charcoal, ink, onyx, raven, slate, coal, jet, ebony and of course black.

Delicate charms are woven into the fabric to ensure maximum flappage whilst walking. Because of my personal wardrobe choices some have accused my entrances as 'flouncing,' 'prancing' or 'swaggering.' I maintain that these descriptions are merely the projections of those whose robes do not swish at all.

I have often pondered placing a charm on my classroom so that ominous music sounds out when I enter the room. I think it would be most affective in letting the first years know that I am not one to be trifled with.

2 - Tea

Perhaps it is because I may be placing being an Englishman above being a wizard but I personally have never liked the taste of pumpkin. Watching students swill their mouths out with pumpkin juice every morning is nothing short of a tragedy. There is no flavour in the world that can match the taste and texture of a good cup of tea. Morning, noon or night it is the best beverage I can conceive.

The preparation of tea is an art form, it should be brewed in a pot of course (one bag or spoon for each person and one for the pot) but if there is not one to hand then the bag should be placed in a cup before the milk is added. If one is adding sugar it should be placed in the cup before the water so it dissolves straight away and prevents lumps being left in the bottom. Water should be poured to be level with the handle or just below if one prefers milky tea, milk should always be added last if you are using neither china cups or tea pots. Tea bags need to be scalded to get the proper flavour of the tea, so many neglect this important step.

3 - Words that are fun to say

Say them with me; transmogrify, glockenspiel, coagulate, plethora, obsequious, floptical, absquatulate, pie, bibcock, ruffles, expiscate, fernticle, miasma, dragoon, rotund, octopod, undulate, permeate, apricot pantaloons, lattice, Tuesday, myopic, aquatic, boing, glottal stop, antiquate, corpuscle, lolly, pizzazz and ensnare.

4 - Battenburg cake

Sweet and delicious, everything from the tasty pink and yellow sponge to the marzipan wrapping to the apricot jam holding it all together. There is nothing quite like cutting a large slice of battenburg for your elevenses to go along with your tea. There are other sweet treats which I am fond of; Bakewell tarts, Cabinet pudding, Jam Roly-Poly, Rhubarb pie (with Brid's custard), Syllabub and Eve's pudding but a Battenburg cake takes the biscuit.

I only wish I had taken more time to learn to prepare them myself - culinary magic never interested me much as a child. I am forced during the school term to Madam Puddifoots as the main source of my Battenburg cake. The school house elves cannot get the correct ratio of jam to marzipan and Muggle supermarkets don't send batches of Mr Kiplings by owl no matter how much you try and persuade them it's like carrier pigeon.

5 - Making the first years cry

My personal best record is 5 in one lesson. First years are easily intimidated but can be surprisingly mouthy considering that they know absolutely nothing. Never give a first year an inch or they will take a mile, your sanity and any chance you had to teach them anything along with them.

Here's a professional tip for aspiring potions masters, carefully observe which students bring a cat when they initially arrive (kittens are more effective.) Match the cat to the student and then during one of their lessons tell them that the key ingredient is cat and describe the appropriate student's moggy as the one you used for that particular potion. If you can pull an identical collar from the potion pot you can be sure there will be tears following quickly thereafter.

6 - My Mother

You can stop your sniggering this instant. Yes, I like my mother, anyone who has a problem with that shall be sent to the dungeons and tortured with burrowing brain leeches until they recant. I have a small portrait of my mother in my chambers, it used to be in my office but she kept trying to cheer up the student I was punishing and she had to be moved.

7 - Teaching

Even though it pains me to admit this I do actually get a mild feeling of satisfaction from knowing that the students in my class are leaving Hogwarts with at least some valuable magical knowledge. Some of them may never use it but at least I know they aren't as big idiots as when they started in their first year.

Sure teaching is a very hard job with long hours and a pay packet that's shockingly tiny and I could probably make more money if I opened a potion emporium in Diagon alley and sold home-care remedies to the masses. Yes most of my students hate me and I hate most of them but there is some joy to be found in teaching... What am I saying? I take this one back, I think I need to look into how much it costs to start up a business in Diagon alley.

8 - The Malfoys

The Malfoy family are counted amongst my very good friends. I have watched Draco Malfoy grow over the years into a fine young man and possibly one of my best students, although he has a healthy hate of Potter sometimes it could be bordering on obsession which I have tried to discourage. Narcissa Malfoy is a wonderful woman and despite popular rumour I do not know nor have I ever 'fancied' her. (Besides Lucius would have a conniption fit if he ever heard about that.) Her sister is much less agreeable of course but let's face it she is bordering slightly on insane. Lucius Malfoy is a perfect example of a great pureblood wizard, strong, caring, handsome, a philanthropist, a friend to many and an outspoken and well respected citizen of the wizarding world whose upmost concern is it's preservation.

9 - Winding up Arthur Weasley

Someone who is obsessed with muggles is an easy target for those with a basic knowledge of the muggle world. I invented a game called 'How much false information can you give Arthur before he starts to doubt you' - I remain crowning champion of this game.

During a meeting of the Order of the Phoenix I once had Arthur completely convinced that muggle airplanes get off the ground by sheer will, the royal mail service uses trained octopods to sort out letters and Hoovers were initially invented as a means of transportation. He believe every word - the fool.

10 - Making Potter's life a misery

If I only do one thing everyday it is to make sure that Potter is certainly not enjoying his.

Authors notes:

Special thanks goes to Slytherin66 for the billowy robes suggestion. Thanks to TheWindisBlack601, palforpolkadots and SShappiness for the feedback. Harry next?