I read your name under words in your elegant hand you probably don't mean now… I fold the letter and think of a million and one thing's that I could have done different. – Snow Patrol.
The previous time Angel had left, which had been during my teenage years, I felt like life had stopped and I no longer needed to continue with the usual requirements of living. All my enthusiasm and passion for life slowly drained from my body and mind, leaving me as a useless and empty shell. A part of me died inside the day he left…
Things had been awfully awkward with Angel for the past month. The most frustrating thing about the unusual silences and constant arguments was that I didn't understand why they had become so repetitive. It was like a continuous battle that I just couldn't win.
Another school day ended and we drove home in the now usual frequent silence. I had succeeded in scratching most of my bright nail polish off in an attempt to keep busy and had now moved on to actually biting my once colourful nails. I kept shooting Angel glances from the corner of my eyes and realised his face grew into more of a grimace every time I looked. I couldn't continue like this anymore…
"Angel, what's wrong?" I asked.
He steadily pulled up in front of my house, though continued to let the engine run. I felt my insides squirm as I acknowledged this. Usually Angel accompanied me at home after school until it was too late for him to stay any longer. Yet our time together was now limited due to Angel's constant busy schedule, that he remained quite private and secretive about.
"I think we need to talk, but not here and not now," replied Angel, stroking the steering wheel nervously.
"No. If you have something to say, then say it," I said, straightening up in my seat. He didn't reply. "Angel, drop the cryptic. You're scaring me."
I watched as the frown deepened on his beautiful face. The sudden sense of something bad happening overwhelmed me. The paranoia soon followed. My eyes never tore away from him as he sighed, his lips twitching as though he was finding it difficult to get the words out.
"I've been thinking … about our future. And the more I do, the more I feel like us, you and me being together, is unfair on you," he frowned.
It suddenly felt difficult to breathe.
"What?" I choked out, totally and utterly confused.
I felt a burning sensation within my chest and I wondered whether the pain was my heart ripping in half. I forced myself to take a deep breath and look at him, even though his eyes were fixated on the children running past outside.
"You deserve someone who can be there for you-"
"What? You are there for me, you always are, even when I don't want you to be," I whimpered
"Someone that can keep you safe and protect you-"
"Safe? I've never been safer in my life than when I'm with you!"
He shook his head.
The pain continued to burn in my chest, killing me in the process. I gulped down another breath of air and focused on Angel's face, forcing myself not to release the ocean of tears that stung my eyes. I wanted to stay strong, like he was, but it seemed to be getting harder to do so with every second that went by.
Angel rubbed his hands over his face, though he remained emotionless compared to me. It seemed like he was unaware of any of the words escaping his mouth, as though he was oblivious to the painful torture he was putting me through.
"You deserve someone better than me," Angel whispered, tightening his grasp on the steering wheel.
"No, I don't. I could never find anyone as perfect as you! Angel, please," I begged.
I was greeted with silence, a hard painful silence that choked me with every second that passed. I could feel my head spinning, my stomach churning. It was just a silly argument that would be swept under the rug, never to be mentioned again. It couldn't really be ending… could it?
"I'm sorry, Buffy. You know how much I love you. It kills me to say this," said Angel.
It wasn't killing him. He was still alive. I, on the other hand, was dying inside.
"Then don't. Who are you to tell me what I deserve?" I snapped.
"I'm trying to do what's right here, ok? I'm trying to think with my head instead of my heart," answered Angel, his patience slowly fading.
My head was almost bursting. Why was he saying these things? I thought we were so strong, so together, like a team. He was my world, my heart. How had everything from the past two years resulted to this?
"Are you sure you have a heart?" I hissed.
I unfastened my seatbelt and threw open the car door, stepping out into the blazing sun. It was ironic how beautiful the day was.
"Don't what? Don't love you? I'm sorry. You know what? I didn't know that I got a choice in that. I'm never gonna change. I can't change!"
Angel looked down at his hands, hiding his face.
"I want my life to be with you," I frowned, my voice barely a whisper now.
Pacing up and down the pavement, I tried to control the overwhelming sensation that was ripping apart my insides. I yearned for a numbness that would save me. Two years, twenty four whole months, and it was ending…
"How am I supposed to stay away from you? How am I supposed to go on with my life knowing what we had? What we could have had?" I asked brokenly.
It was then that he handed me a letter from the glove compartment.
"Read it when I leave," he instructed.
I nodded, running my fingertips along the sharp edges of the letter.
"Hold out your hand."
Angel leant over and pressed something hard into the centre of my hand, before closing my hand around it securely. He then kissed my hand softly, resting his lips there for a moment.
"You still my girl?"
"Always," I whispered.
A single tear escaped moments later.
I ran my fingertips along the smooth wooden box. Inside it possessed some of the things I held closest to my heart – Angel's letter and ring, my Mom's final letter, Ruby's birth certificate. It was literally the contents of my heart in a matter where I went, the box was something that always came with me. I lifted up the lid and rummaged around.
Angel's letter was worn and crinkled, as it would be after the many times it had provided me with a sense of security. The ring, on the other hand, looked as new and shiny as the day I had received it. A smile blossomed across my face.
Placing the ring back into the box, I unfolded the letter…
I'm sorry I was too much of a coward to tell you this in person and chose to write it instead, though it seemed like the only way.
I know that if this letter is in your possession then we've had the conversation I've been dreading for the past few months. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you, all the tears you've cried, and the heart that I've broken. None of that was ever my intention because I know I'll love you until my heart stops beating, but this is the way it's just got to be…
I found out a few months ago that we're moving half way across the country, no need to say where because it'll be easier for you to let go, and I knew that it would be unfair on you to put you through the annoyance of a long-distance relationship. I know how stubborn you are and you'll disagree, but I've already made up my mind.
I love you and I always will. No one could ever replace you because I could never cherish anyone else the way I cherish you. You're everything to me; my girlfriend, my world, my heart. I just hope one day that we could possibly make this work again.
I could feel my heart breaking all over again. I traced my fingertips along "forever yours" and smiled. I suddenly remembered one of the last things my Mother ever said to me before she completely forgot me…
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
And I often smiled because I knew she was right.
I could feel the exhaustion overwhelming me. My eyes felt extremely heavy and my head felt as if it was splitting at the seams. The past few days had obviously had an effect on me mentally and physically, much to my displeasure, though I couldn't entirely understand why. Maybe Angel's brief return had resurrected a lot of negativity that came from my past.
Sleep seemed to be deliberately avoiding me. I was awake until early hours of the morning with nothing to amuse me except poor attempts at comedies on television. Occasionally I would have Ruby to keep me company, cuddling up with her in bed until she fell into a peaceful slumber that I craved so much. After she fell asleep, her thumb securely in her mouth, I wasted the time by thanking God for the beautiful child he had given me, the blessing he had allowed to light up my life. And even though she hadn't been born into a stable family situation and lacked any sort of Father figure in her life, I hoped that she would know in the future just how much I cherished her and the lengths I would go to in order to keep her happy and healthy.
But one night, just as I felt my eyes beginning to close and I snuggled comfortably into the warmth of my bed, there was a knock at the door.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! HOPE 2011 TREATS YOU ALL WELL AND YOU HAVE A SUPERB YEAR!
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! HOPE 2011 TREATS YOU ALL WELL AND YOU HAVE A SUPERB YEAR!
One of my New Year's resolutions is to update more often, so here's my first update of the New Year!
Hope you enjoy and please, please, please drop a review!