Choices

Life is all about choices. He'd chosen to keep her at a distance. He'd chosen not to marry her. She'd chosen to sleep with her ex. And they'd chosen to end their 'match made in heaven' relationship. Today was no different for her, still all about making choices. When the alarm clock went off she chose to get up as opposed to staying in bed like she really wanted. When she got up there was a decision to make over what to wear. She could get all dressed up like she would on any normal day but today just doesn't feel like a normal day. She pulls on some old faded jeans that have paint stains on them that used to be too loose, a pink tank top, and a Yale sweat shirt over that. She chooses tennis shoes over heels. Instead of straightening or curling her hair she pulls it back into a loose ponytail, and brushes her teeth. No make-up. She just doesn't feel like being pretty today.

It's been weeks, but the days all seem to be running together now. She makes sure to check what day it is on her cell phone as she climbs into her jeep. August 23rd, how can summer already be over? she wonders.

She drives down the road with nowhere in particular to go. She just can't spend another day in her empty house. She could go to work, but she is off today and has no real desire to go in anyway. She drives past Luke's but doesn't even turn her head in its direction. There's too much to think about. She keeps driving, out of the town square, out of Stars Hollow, out of Connecticut. She is running on nothing. No food, not even one drop of coffee, a luxury that she had been without for a little over a month now. Where her morning cup would be sits the bottle of Sprite she grabbed on her way out. It keeps her stomach settled.

She is now living the world's biggest lie. Keeping a secret from those she loves most… keeping a secret from everyone, hiding her lies as well as she can. Keeping these things from Emily and Richard, Sookie, and Christopher, that is one thing. Hiding it from the rest of the world, especially the entire town of Stars Hollow is another thing entirely. It's a hard, tedious, full time job, keeping a secret this big. Especially from her best friend, Rory. She just doesn't know how to tell her what she allowed to happen. She is gaining weight fast. Faster than she did with Rory, but hiding her weight under big jackets and baggy clothes is the easy part. It's the sneaking around that is hard.

She has to though. She needs time to get used to the idea herself before she pulls anyone else into her private world. She has no idea where she's going, but the open road seems to stretch out far enough for her to go anywhere. Her cell phone rings but she chooses to let it go to voice mail and then turns it off. She doesn't want to talk to anyone.

It's still warm for August so she pulls her sweatshirt over her head and throws it in the passenger seat beside her. She remembers back to over a year ago when things were good, and that man, who's name she can't remember at this particular moment, wanted to buy her Inn and give her a job at his company. A job with an office, a job where she could travel just like she'd always wanted too. Luke got so freaked out. She remembers the panic in his voice. "What about the kids," he'd asked her. She could almost laugh at the irony of it now, if she felt like laughing. No, now it was taking every bit of composure she had not to burst into tears at any given moment. When she was around other people, like at her parents weekly dinner for example or at work, she was able to keep herself tied together with a smile but when she went back to the emptiness of her quiet house; that was when she felt like she was coming undone.

She didn't want to think anymore, she just wanted to drive so she cut on the radio to drown out her head's insufferable rambling. The current station is static, so she turns to dial for something a little more clear. The first station she lands on is playing Nick Lachey's What's Left Of Me and it's just her luck that song is just beginning. She sighs and lets it play for a few seconds until the words to the song become just as hurtful to listen to as her own thoughts. The next few stations don't offer anything better. It seems that every genre has its way of saying screw you Lorelai Gilmore from Lips of an Angel by Hinder to What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flats to Say Goodbye by Chris Brown. By the time she finds So Sick by NeYo she is too frustrated to try anymore.

"God Dammit!" she cries slamming her hand onto the button, turning off the radio completely. She has absolutely no where to go but she also has no desire to stop so she glances up at a sign over her head and realizes that she is in New York. She pushes her foot down picking up speed as her mind drifts to turning around. Going back isn't an option, she tells herself, so she keeps driving for hours and hours only stopping to get gas when she needs to. She drives straight down the coast. When she reaches Virginia she pops in her favorite Bangles CD, the one band that could never let her down and sets it to repeat. For 17 hours she drives, from her home in Stars Hollow, CT to some town right outside Jacksonville, FL. It's a little after 1:00 a.m. and she knows that she can't hold her eyes open long enough to drive any farther, so she chooses to pull into a what looks like a cheap hotel and gets out of the car. As she walks through the parking lot she can smell the salt water in the air. She just hopes that there is a room available.

The first thing she notices is that this hotel is part of a chain, which already sets it apart from her charming little Inn. This is not charming at all. The second thing she notices is the young girl sitting behind the counter with curly blonde hair. She doesn't see Lorelai, however because she is so engrossed in the magazine that she is reading, she can't be older than nineteen. It makes Lorelai think about herself at that age. She doesn't want to stand there all night so she clears her throat catching the girl's attention.

"Oh I'm sorry didn't see you there," the girl says. "Welcome to the Holiday Inn, can I interest you in a room?" she asks with a smile. This young lady makes up for all the personality her place of employment lacks and it makes Lorelai smile.

"Yes," she replies simply.

"Okie dokie," the girl says going over to her computer. She types something in while Lorelai goes into her purse for her credit card and ID. She hands them over when the girl looks up.

"Lorelai Gilmore," she says looking at her driver's license. "Where have I heard that name before?"

"No idea," Lorelai sighs in exhaustion.

"Wow, did you drive here?" she asks. Lorelai nods. "All the way from Connecticut?"

"That's right." She yawns.

"Cool," the girl exaggerates. "Any particular reason?"

"Nope," she lies.

"I can't wait to get my own car, so I can just drive anywhere I want for any reason or no reason at all." The girl laughs. "Well here you go," she says handing over her credit card, driver's license, and room key all at once. Lorelai takes them and thanks the girl before turning to walk away. "Hey wait I know where I have heard that name before. You were in that magazine," The girl bends down a pulls out a magazine from under the counter. "You own the Dragonfly." She says as she flips to the page. "Right?"

Lorelai nods. "Yes,"

"Very cool,"

"Thank you," Lorelai says simply before walking away.

"Enjoy your stay," the hyper teenager calls behind her.

Lorelai takes the elevator to the second floor and finds her room at the end of the hall. She slides her key car into its slot and watches the red light turn to green, granting her total access to the room she paid for. It's clean and she needs to sleep so she takes off her jeans and climbs into the big soft plushy bed after sticking the do not disturb sign on the knob. She must have been truly fatigued as she is most of the time because she falls asleep practically the moment her head hits the pillow.

The combination of nausea and hunger wakes her up. She looks at the clock beside her bed and groans, telling herself that she really needs to get up, she needs to eat, but she has no energy. She grabs her phone, from beside the bed and turns it back on as all the things she let herself forget flood back into her mind. She groans again and presses the number 1 on the keypad, which takes her directly to her voicemail.

"You have…twenty three…new messages," the robotic woman informs her. She sighs and presses the number 1 again so she can listen to her mother yell at her for missing dinner.

"Message received, August 23, 2006 at 9:45 a.m.," the robotic woman reads.

"Hey Mom, it's me, just calling to check on you. You sounded really sick last night. I think we should take a break from Al's for awhile. Anyway call me later."

"Message received," the robotic repeats, "August 23, 2006 at 10:30 a.m."

"Mom, it's me again I'm going to go hang out with Lane for a while, so I'll just meet you at Grandma and Grandpa's for dinner tonight."

Lorelai puts the phone on speaker as the woman with the electronic voice tells her next message was received at 10:45.

"Hey girly, it's Sookie. Rory told me you weren't feeling well and probably sleeping in, so I just wanted to tell you to call me if you need to talk. Love ya, bye."

Lorelai felt a little bad, she probably should have called someone when she reached the point of no return.

"Message received, August 23, 2006 at 1:05 p.m."

"Hey Lore, your Mom invited me and Gigi to dinner with you and Rory tonight, I just wanted to let you know, okay, see you there."

She mentally added Christopher to the list of people she was going to have to call.

The next two were business calls that she had no aspiration to return right now. After that the messages were all after 8 o'clock that night. Each was more panic-filled than the last and begged for a return call. Rory, Sookie, Emily, Chris, Babette, Miss Patty, more Rory, Logan even, and she had no idea how he got her phone number. She listened to each and every one and finally came to the end.

"Message received August 25, 2006 at 11:52 a.m."

"Lorelai, It's Luke," she inhales a sharp breath. "Everyone around here is going out their mind because no one knows where you are. Rory is hysterical and you are the only person who can calm her down and…" she notes how broken his voice sounds. "Please, just come back, or call someone. Call me. Just let someone know that you're safe. Please." She hears a click on the other end, which means he hung up the phone. After a second she lets out the breath she was holding unsure of whom to call first.

She checks the date on her phone again unable to believe that she slept through an entire day. She chooses the number 2 on her speed dial. "Mommy!" she hears after one ring.

"Hey Sweets," she replies weakly.

"Where are you?" her daughter demands. "You didn't come to dinner, you didn't come home, it's been two days, I was so worried, are you okay?"

"Rory," she starts.

"Everyone is freaking out," Rory continues to rant. Lorelai waits for her daughter to stop talking before she tries to speak again. "Where are you?" she asks again.

Lorelai pauses for a second before answering. "I don't exactly know," she mutters trying to remember.

"What does that mean?" Rory yells getting upset.

Lorelai sighs, she didn't call to get yelled at although she did expect it. "I'm fine, I'll be home tomorrow," she knows her voice is a little hoarse because just woke up, so she speaks softly so that she doesn't wear it out.

"Mom!" Rory yells. "Please don't hang up," she begs.

"I won't," Lorelai says closing her eyes. "I promise."

After a few seconds of silence Rory speaks, "Grandma wants to talk to you."

"Of course she does," Lorelai replies mumbling into her pillow.

"Lorelai Gilmore, after everything you have put us through over the years, this has got to be by far the worst, most inconsiderate-" Emily says taking over Rory's ranting. Lorelai removes the phone from her ear for a few seconds so that Emily can get it all out of her system. "Rude!" is all she hears when she puts the phone back to her ear.

"I'm sorry, Mom," she tells her. "I lost track of time."

"No, Lorelai, being late for a business meeting, that's losing track of time. Forgetting about a hair appointment, that's losing track of time. But disappearing for two days, that is being insensitive, uncaring, and rude."

"Okay, Mom," Lorelai says as she reaches over to the lamp beside her bed and cuts it on. The light makes her squint as they try to adjust. "Look, I have to go."

"Don't think we are finished discussing this, young lady!"

"Yeah Mom, I know, you're really going to give it to me when I get home. Whatever, just please put Rory back on the phone." She throws back the blankets and stands up.

"Hi," Rory says sadly.

"I'm going to go now," she informs her daughter. "I don't know exactly where I am but I am at a Holiday Inn in Florida, however I don't think that narrows it down at all. I didn't mean to scare you, but I'm begging you to please call off the search party. I'm fine and I will see you tomorrow."

"Okay," Rory says.

"Okay, I'll call you when I get to North Carolina."

"Promise?" Rory asks in a way that makes her 21 year old voice sound 7.

"I promise."

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you, more."

"Bye."

"Bye-bye hun."

She hangs up the phone and falls back on the bed realizing what a long day this is going to be. If she wasn't deplorable before, she certainly is now. She presses the number 3, on her phone wondering why she never got around to deleting it.

"Hello?" a woman answers, it takes Lorelai a second to realize that it isn't a woman it's a child. A little girl. It's April.

Lorelai clears her throat. "Hi, um April, is Luke around?"

"Yeah, sure, hold on one second," she says. "Luke!"

A few seconds later a familiar gruff voice comes to the phone. "Lorelai?" he asks quickly.

"You asked me to call."

"Where the hell have you been?" he asks truly worried.

"What's it to you?" Lorelai asks wondering herself why she called him. It would have gotten around to him eventually that she is fine. He doesn't say anything so she chooses to fill the silence herself. "I'm pregnant," she says. Again nothing, she sighs. "Yes, it's yours but don't worry, Luke. This doesn't change anything." Another silent moment passes. "I have to go now," she hangs up before he has the chance to say goodbye. She puts the phone down deciding to make more calls from the road and jumps in the shower, after spending a significant amount of time throwing up.

When she gets her clothes back on, she grabs her purse, her phone, and her keys and heads out. She checks out at the front desk, sorry to see that the man working isn't the same chipper teenager she encountered when she checked in.

Lorelai gets in her car and stops to eat. The kid isn't even born yet and I am already neglecting it, she thinks to herself. After she eats two Big Macs, which she knows in her gut she will regret eating later, she gets back in her car and prepares to drive back up the coast. She calls Sookie, and Chris, and Babette, and everyone else who cared enough to voice their concern to her answering machine. She even calls Logan.

She gets to North Carolina by 10 o'clock and dials Rory again.

"Hello?" Rory answers. From her tone Lorelai can tell that she is still a little irritated.

"I'm in North Carolina."

"Wow," Rory comments.

"What?"

"You've got a long way to go."

"I know, but I am going to drive through the night and I should be back around 10 or 11 in the morning," she says hoping she got her time right.

"Okay," Rory says. "I'll be here."

"Good, I missed you," Lorelai reveals.

"I missed you too,"

"Alright, go to sleep, you go back to Yale next week and you need to be well rested."

"Yes ma'am," Rory salutes.

They hang up, and as promised Lorelai drives through the night and the rain shower that has taken over New England. She finds that her road trip isn't as much fun the second time, but at least the radio is a little more bearable.

Pounding rain and rapid winds is a deadly combination, especially in the darkest hours of the night on the interstate. Most of the people on the road tonight are getting ahead start on their day Lorelai thinks. She turns off the radio, there is nothing but static playing anyway. The noise is distracting her from watching the road, but it is only one of the things keeping her sidetracked. Being on the road alone all this time has given her the chance to think about the baby she is carrying. She has been avoiding thinking about it for the last two months. Covering it up and pretending not to notice as her stomach stretches. She goes to the doctor and takes her medication and does everything that the doctor tells her to do. She even gave up drinking coffee but she can't bring herself to get attached to her baby yet.

Even after she found out she was pregnant dating Christopher still seemed perfect. She was lonely, he is Rory's father, and he loves her but he's not Luke. She missed him, and no matter how hard she tried to forget and fill her time with working she knew she just wasn't herself without him. He was the other half she needed to survive. She realized on this little trip that no matter how busy she is or how many people she fools she is nothing without him. She just wishes that she'd have told him on the phone. She doesn't want to raise their baby without him.

She hates herself for leaving; it was stupid and irresponsible, a mistake she would have to spend some time rectifying. She was just so tired of her everyday life. She would wake up empty and go to bed as lifeless as a ghost. It isn't like her, but that is what she was without him, a ghost, whose dreams were haunted with the memory of what she let go of. Her days are filled with regretting the choices she made.

As the rain gets harder the memories became more vivid. She tries to remember how much fun she had with Rory when she was a baby. She was single then too, and she did it all on her own. She raised the perfect daughter. The lonely nights were a small sacrifice but she got back to dating eventually. She tries to tell herself that it'll be exactly the same, she can do it again but there is that voice in the back of her head reminding her how old she is. Telling her that no matter how hard she tries to find it, true love just isn't for her.

She tells herself that she is being immature and that this baby will be a wonderful experience. She loves being a mom to Rory and she'll love being a mom to this child too. She tells herself that things are finally going to change. She makes another choice. She is going to tell everyone about the baby as soon as she gets back.

She just hopes everything will work out.

Tires screeching against wet cement interrupt her thoughts; it then changes from the slick sliding sound to the sound of metal slamming into metal. She can see an 18-wheeler up ahead. It falls on its side and skids upward. The three cars in front of her collide trying to avoid it. She quickly hits the brakes but it's too late. Her car spins out on to the road. She hears something explode and the shattering of glass. Everything is moving so fast but so slow at the same time. Her car slams into the others. She feels her body break through the glass windshield before the car completely flips. She hears her bones crack as she hits the ground. It doesn't hurt at first, but as the rain falls onto her skin so does the intense sting. She soon becomes oblivious to everything around her. She can't move. She can't think. She can't breathe. Everything goes white then black then white again. Voices faded in and out. She tries to stay conscious but the pain becomes too intense. She opens her eyes to chaos and uproar people screaming and crying. She doesn't want to die she has too much to live for. She thinks about her baby and clings to her abdomen as she strains to hang on, but as quickly as she went from her car to the cold wet interstate highway, she lets go.

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