So, once upon a time, there was a guy named David who just lived to be picked on.

Amanda and David worked together, and one day, Amanda told David that his face was an epidemic.

When a girl going by the alias 'Saint' and her companion, Fang, found out about this joke, they began to help Amanda think of more 'David's Face' jokes.

(By the way, David's a great sport about the whole thing. He thinks they're funny.)

Well, one night, when Saint was severely pissed-off at a certain MR character named Dylan, she decided to Maximum Ride-ify the 'David's Face' jokes into 'Dylan's Face' joke.

And the Maximum Ride equivalent to Chuck Norris jokes was born.

Fang: I helped. And gladly.

Me: 'Twas fun.

Fang: Can we get on with the embarrassment of Dylan now?

Me: Not before...

Dylan's Face Is Why Disclaimers Are Boring: I don't own Maximum Ride. -sigh- Don't own Dylan's face, thank God. I don't own all of these jokes, either, just most. Amanda, Jessica, and Fang helped with many of the jokes and some were suggested by Vera and Nat. Theirs have their names after them.

Important Note 1: I know Dylan's actually supposed to be very good-looking, but I'm making fun of him, so there. Heck, the original face joke guy, David, isn't ugly, but we're picking on him. You get it...

Important Note 2: I mean no offense to any groups, races, etc. mentioned here. Some of these are inside jokes with certain people, too. The only one I mean to offend is Dylan.

Fang: So...Anything else?

Me: I think it can all wait 'till the end. Let's post this thing!

Fang: Never has a fic of yours made me so happy...Or just happy in general...

New and Improved Disclaimer, Circa 2022: Hey, it's me. Just figured out how to log back into my old fanfic account and decided to... Clear some things up.

These jokes are NOT cool. Some of these are racist, homophobic, fatphobic... This was not a good look for me. I apologize for younger me and I implore you all to do better. I've decided not to dirty delete here, but to leave it in hopes others can learn what not to do and to remind me... That I've come a long way, and that I need to continue to do better.

Dylan's face is an epidemic.

Dylan's face makes fat people skinny.

Dylan's face makes black people white.

Dylan's face makes white people transparent.

Dylan's face makes an Ethiopian lose his appetite.

Dylan's face would make a Kenyan slow down.

Dylan's face is why Bin Laden is in hiding.

Dylan's face is the unwritten 11th plague of Exodus.

Dylan's face is illegal in some countries.

Dylan's face gives cows mastitis.

A Hessian soldier once had a face like Dylan's. He cut off his head to get rid of it. He is now known as the Headless Horseman.

It's not a monster under your bed. It's a Dylan mask.

Dylan's face is the reason ICUs are so busy.

Dylan's face turned Iggy straight.

Dylan's face is why there are so many alcoholics.

Dylan's face causes bad balance.

Dylan's face is second only to 8 year old Diet Mountain Dew.

They use Dylan's face to anger bulls before a bull fight.

Dylan's face made Iggy blind.

Dylan's face was the inspiration for Frankenstein's Monster.

Dylan got thrown out of McDonald's because his face scared Ronald McDonald.

Dylan's face is the real reason Fang left the Flock.

U2 + G(L/Y) = Dylan's face

Dylan's face is why there's a book in the Bible called "Lamentations".

Dylan's face causes frostbite.

Exposure to Dylan's face can cause low IQ test scores.

Jeb on purposely loses his glasses so he doesn't have to see Dylan's face.

Exposure to Dylan's face turned Angel evil.

There's one face not allowed on Facebook: Dylan's.

Dylan's face is considered animal abuse when he enters a pet store.

Dylan's face is the real reason people lock the doors at night.

Dylan's face intimidates Chuck Norris.

Dylan's face is why cats use indoor litter boxes. They don't want to risk going outside and seeing him.

Dylan's face is why dogs run away from home.

Dylan's face causes cancer.

Gandalf the Grey saw Dylan's face. He is now known as Gandalf the White.

Dylan's face knocked down the Ugly Tree.

Dylan's face is the new Weight Watchers.

Dylan's face caused earthquakes in Haiti, Chile, and California. -From Nat

Dylan's face is what turned Mr. Chu green.

Brigid was scared into the plothole by Dylan's face.

Dylan's face made it impossible for us to tell if zebras are black with white stripes or white with

black stripes. -From Vera

Dylan's face is the reason Mars no longer supports life. -From Vera

Dylan's face causes dandruff.

Dylan's face made Fang's pet mice lesbians.

Dylan's face is why Australia is 'down under'. They're hoping to hide down there so he won't see them.

Seeing Dylan's face is what really swore Carlisle off of drinking human blood.

Dylan's face can be used in place of a Patronous to scare Dementors away.

Vice President Biden attempted to drop a bomb in hopes of blowing up Dylan's face. (Unfortunately, he dropped the wrong one...)

Dylan's face made Clay Aiken reconsider women.

Dylan's face is what really killed Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

The O-zone, in an attempt to eliminate Dylan's face from it's planet, began to get hotter in hopes of burning him off. This natural defense mechanism is now known as Global Warming.

Dylan's face can cause you to sing off key.

Dylan's face can cause a drop in self-confidence.

Dylan's face can cause you to lose The Game. (By the way, I lose.)

Dylan's face is the leading cause of sexual dysfunction.

The reason FlockUpdates took so long to put up their last video? Well, one of them kidnapped Dylan, and looking at his face caused a drop in inspiration...

Dylan's face is an insult to the Y chromosome.

Dylan's face caused the Pillsbury Doughboy to finally bake himself.

Canada took one look at Dylan's face and threw him on the first plane to Africa. They also deny his existence.

Dylan's face made the Balrog run away.

Dylan's face can make St. Fang of Boredom get writer's block.

Me: And that's a fact. That's all I have for now.

Fang: No more?

Me: Well, unless someone thinks of more...Feel free to come up with your own! If I get enough suggestions, maybe I'll be able to make a chapter 2...

Fang: And feel free to use these insults elsewhere. They're a bit more creative than the norm...

Me: So, time to humiliate Dylan...

Fang: My day has come...


One More Note: About the 8-year-old Diet Mountain Dew, yes, I have tried it, and I can safely say that there is very little in this world that is more disgusting.