A/N: The full name for the Story is 'Lessons Extracted Through Using Sex For Underpaid Knuckleheads'. Work that one out for yourself.
Big thanks to my wonderful co-author Shoefreak37, your Sparkly Peen is in the mail, with a big super sized jar of Nutella. Not for use at the same time btw.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, nor do I own Zack & Miri Make A Porno. Those rights belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Kevin Smith.
Chapter One - Booty & The Beast
I only had another half a block to the house, and Jesus-fuck it was cold; seriously, if it got any colder, my balls would've been migrating toward my asshole for warmth. I could barely feel my fingers as I shoved my hands deeper into my pockets. I picked up my pace, anxious to get out of the chilled night air and really looking forward to a hot shower. The week was dragging more than usual; maybe it was because I was looking forward to the weekend, or maybe it was because the customers had been extra annoying.
I mean, who doesn't back up to a zip drive? Customer service would've been a great job if it wasn't for all the customers.
Growing up in Detroit I was used to the snow, but the cold was another thing entirely, and, man, it was fucking cold. The temperature was twenty-four, to be exact, with a wind chill factor even lower. I was wearing two shirts, a hoodie and a jacket, but could still feel the cold penetrating right through to my bones.
I was almost to my driveway when I spotted Mr. Berty, our landlord, walking his pitiful excuse for a dog on the path in front of our house. I pulled my jacket collar up higher, trying in vain to cover my face as I lowered my head. My day had been relatively shitty as it was, and an earful from my landlord was not what I wanted this late on a Thursday night.
I was almost there; only a few more steps and I would be home free. I turned up the short driveway to the house, walking as fast as I could while still trying to be stealthy enough for him not to spot me.
But it was too late.
Mr. Cullen!" he called, the ball of brown fur attached to the end of the leash barking loudly as he dragged it up the drive towards me. I contemplated making a run for it, until I remembered that he knew where we lived.
Pretending as if I hadn't already seen him I looked up, watching as he crunched through the light dusting of snow that covered the strip of grass that passed as our front yard. Malcolm Berty was a middle aged, over weight pervert with a lazy eye. Bella called him Dirty Berty because he had a tendency to leer at her and make inappropriate comments; I always had to remind myself not to call him Dirty Berty to his face, as much as I wanted to.
"Hey, Mr. Berty!" I called, trying to turn away and slip inside before he held me up, but my evasion tactics were too little, too late.
"So, you still hold gainful employment I see?" he said, pointing to the collar of my work shirt that was poking out the top of my jacket.
I looked at him, confused.
"Well, you haven't lost your job, and you're not in hospital, as you're standing here in front of me in perfect health. So I'm amiss to see why your rent is late again, Mr. Cullen."
Damnit! I knew I should've run when I had the chance. He was glaring at me so hard that his lazy eye slipped even further to the left and was wobbling slightly from side to side. It took all of my concentration not to stare directly at it.
"You uh…mean you didn't get the check I sent?" I stuttered, scratching my head and feigning innocence. "Huh, I was sure I mailed one out to you last week."
Don't look at his eye!
Don't look at his eye!
"Don't give me the bullshit, Cullen," he said, panting heavily as he waddled closer. "Your rent is a week late. It was two weeks late last month and two weeks the month before."
I was trying my absolute fucking hardest not to look at his crazy eye, and I'm pretty sure that if it had not been below frickin freezing, my palms would've been sweating profusely. I was completely devoid of any excuses, my brain was frozen from the sub zero temperatures, making it about as useful as a dick flavored lollipop, and he knew it.
He grinned widely, a row of yellowed and stained teeth appearing from behind his lips. "Have the rent paid by next Monday, or I'll have you and your girlfriend evicted so fast your heads will spin!" He glared at me one last time before he turned and trudged back through the snow, stopping only to let his bastard dog shit on the front lawn.
"Yeah, well…maybe you could come and fix the front door? And she's not my girlfriend, douche bag! And he's gone, and didn't hear me," I mumbled, as I watched him cross the street.
I pulled the front door key out of my jacket pocket, my cold fingers fumbling with it as I slipped it into the lock. I shoved my right shoulder against the door to push it out of its warped frame, and it popped open with a jolt, sending me stumbling into the tiny apartment. Feeling along the wall for the light switch, I almost lost my footing on a pair of Bella's shoes that were lying haphazardly just inside the door.
I caught myself before I face planted into the floor, throwing Bella's shoes aside. As much as I frickin' loved that woman, she was such a slob. There were always shoes lying all over the floor, clothes strewn all over the house, or toothpaste all over the bathroom sink. Man, that girl sent me in-fucking-sane sometimes.
I pulled off my gloves and jacket, slinging them over the back of the couch. I checked my watch, 6:15 p.m., Bella should've finished work fifteen minutes before, which gave me some time before she got home.
My stomach gurgled loudly, obviously not satisfied with my pitiful excuse for lunch, which consisted of a diet coke and a bag of potato chips, almost seven hours ago. I pulled open the fridge, the light inside throwing a yellow glow over the kitchen. The scene inside the refrigerator was bleak: three beers, half a cheese pizza, and half a carton of milk, which, by the smell wafting from the carton, was out of date.
I grabbed a beer and one slice of pizza, leaving the other two for Bella. One thing I learned from being best friends with that chick for ten years? Never, ever, ever, ever, stand in the way of a hungry Bella and cheese pizza. Switching on lights as I went, I made my way down to my bedroom at the end of the hallway, noticing as I passed that Bella's door was closed and the light off. I stripped off my hoodie and hung up my work shirt and pants for the following day.
I grabbed some sweats and the cleanest smelling t-shirt from the floor, draining the last of my beer before making my way towards the bathroom. My phone buzzed in my pocket alerting me to a text, and I flipped it open. I'd hoped it would be Bella telling me that she was bringing home food, but it was even better; it was Tyler telling me that he had finally gotten his hands on a pirated copy of the 'World of Warcraft' expansion pack. I don't know how he got it, but who cared? I got it!
I was so excited I broke out my happy dance, doing the best robot ever down the hallway towards the bathroom.
A high pitched squeal blasted from the bathroom as I threw the door open, and I looked up to see Bella, my roommate, sitting on the toilet flailing her arms around like crazy. I wanted to turn away, but I was stuck in place, my feet rooted to the ground like some deranged pervert.
A loud thud snapped me out of it, and suddenly Bella was lying on the floor in front of the toilet, her pants still around her ankles as she screamed at me.
"Shut the door! Shut the fucking door!"
Out of instinct I took a few steps closer to try and help her up, still unable to form a coherent word as she struggled to cover herself.
"Edward! Get. The. Fuck. Out!"
I turned and grabbed the door handle, closing the door as quickly as possible, the ridiculous image burned into my retinas as I threw my hands over my eyes.
"Jesus, fuck, Bella, close the door if you're going to do that!"
Seconds later the door flew open in front of me, a red faced Bella glaring at me from the doorway, "It was closed, Edward!"
"Well it wasn't closed all the way!"
"Whatever," Bella said as she pushed past me. "Geez Edward, lighten up! If I'd known you were into that kinky shit I would have let you watch."
I stood in the doorway of the bathroom; my mouth opened and shut a few times like a fish. How did I end up being the one embarrassed?
"Cram it up your cramhole, Swan!" I yelled down the hall. "You're such a nasty bitch!"
She laughed loudly, even snorting a little. "And you're a sexual deviant Edward. Lucky we have each other right?"
"You mean, lucky you have me?" I asked, now standing at her bedroom door, watching as she searched through the mounds of clothes on the floor for something. How did she discern what was dirty and what was clean without smelling anything? Must be a girl thing.
"Ha!" she chuckled. "Cullen, who'd get you laid if I wasn't around? Huh? Who'd take you out and get you ridiculously drunk? Emmett? I think not, his wife would kick his ever lovin' ass, and yours!"
I gasped, grasping at my chest in mock pain. "You mean what would I do without you to pimp me out to all your friends, and then get me so drunk I can barely walk, let alone take the random chick home? You're right, what would I do? Where would I go?"
She slapped me playfully on the arm as she passed on her way to the laundry. "What are you doing home anyway?" I asked, watching her pull everything out of the wash basket onto the laundry floor, tipping the basket upside down.
"Fucking Bill, that useless fuck. I go around all day in that ridiculous dress and those goddamn roller skates, I don't complain..."
I laughed quietly to myself and Bella stopped momentarily to glare at me.
"Okay, I don't complain much. Anyway, I dropped three plates, three, and he has a spaz attack! That asshole pays, like, two bucks for those plates and I get docked fifteen bucks from my pay. So, I told him to shove it, and I left early."
She was sitting on the laundry room floor, lifting up every item of clothing and shaking them vigorously before slamming them back into the basket.
"Bella, what the fuck are you looking for?" I shouted.
"My black yoga pants. I swear I had them yesterday, and now I can't find them!" she answered angrily, tossing an errant sock across the room.
I turned back to the bathroom, leaving Bella to her search. Knowing her, they could've been anywhere. The week before I'd found a pair of her socks in the top drawer in the kitchen. Why? Who the fuck knows.
I showered quickly and flopped down onto the couch next to Bella who was eating the last slice of pizza. "You still on for tomorrow night?" I asked, nudging her slightly with my shoulder.
"Ugghh," she groaned, flopping sideways and burying her head in the couch pillows. "Do we have to?"
"Please, Bella, I can't go on my own. You know that I need my wingman!"
Bella sat up, turning towards me and crossing her legs. "Look, Edward, I'm sure there are people who are actually excited to see their classmates. People who are happy to plaster the fake smiles on their faces and act interested in all the bullshit, but I am not! There's only one person who I'm even remotely interested in talking to, and he's sitting right next to me. Don't make me go!"
I took her hand in mine, rubbing the back soothingly. "Bella, remember that time I drove you all the way across town so that we could watch that band because you wanted to screw the lead singer?" She nodded sullenly. "Remember me driving all that way so you could try and fuck THE GAY lead singer of that band?" She nodded again, her bottom lip between her teeth. "Well, I think you owe me, and this is me calling in that favor."
"Oh come on! How was I supposed to know he was gay, Edward? And anyway, I seem to remember you got some action out of the road trip."
I laughed at the memory. "Okay, One: They were called Queens of the BoneAge, and everyone knows Jacob Black is gay. Two: The "action" I got was from a cross-dresser, and it couldn't really even be described as action, seeing as how she just licked my face and told me I tasted like marshmallow peeps."
At that point Bella and I were both laughing so hard she had fallen off the couch and was curled up on the floor in hysterics. "Oh my god, I forgot about that! Her name was Chi Chi LaRue, and she was taller than you are, and wouldn't leave you alone, so you hid in the men's toilets, but then she followed you in!"
"You would hide, too! She had hands as big as Andre the Giant!" I yelled. We sat on the floor laughing like two hyenas, until tears were streaming down our faces.
I smiled. "So, you going to come with me tomorrow night?"
Bella grimaced as she sat beside me again.
"Look, we'll go for an hour, tops. You can drink as much free booze as you can, and then we'll leave."
"Or," reasoned Bella, "I have an idea. We could just not go at all, stay here, and watch The Goonies on T.V.!"
"Bella, we have The Goonies on DVD. Anyway, I'm never going to be able to make a move on Tanya if you're not there."
Bella sighed, resting her head on my shoulder. "Tanya Denali? Really Edward? Didn't she call you Edward Penishands at school?" she asked, looking up at me from my shoulder.
"Yeah, okay, but that was then, and this is now. I've changed since high school... Haven't I?"
Bella looked at me, her eyes squinted. "Not really."
"I have so!" I exclaimed, pushing my glasses further up my nose.
I looked down at my ratty sweats and my favorite t-shirt, the one that Emmett had given me for my birthday the previous year that said, "I'm not a Geek. I'm a level 9 Warlord."
"Okay, well, that's a moot point," I conceded. "Whatever. What I'm saying is, I want my best friend in the whole world there with me. Please?" I gave her my best, sweetest smile; the one I knew I could bring out when I really wanted something from her.
"Ahhh okay!" she yelled, throwing her arms in the air. I grabbed her and tucked her under my arm, messing up her hair roughly.
"Thanks B, I promise it won't completely suck balls."
She pushed my arms away, fixing her hair. "It better not Cullen, or I'll kick your fucking ass!"
We sat in silence, watching a rerun of 'The Golden Girls' until I was almost asleep, my head in Bella's lap. When the show, like we always did, I turned my back to her, and she jumped on, wrapping her arms and legs around me.
I walked the two of us to her bedroom, dropping her on her bed. "Night B," I said.
"Night," she replied. "Hey Edward?"
I turned her bedside lamp on as I passed it. "Yeah?"
"I'm prettier than I was at school, right?" she asked.
I turned at the front door, squinting my eyes at her, pretending to think really hard about it. I shrugged. "You look about the same."
I closed the door, laughing at thud that was probably a shoe hitting the door behind me.
"Edward, get up!"
I rolled onto my stomach, stuffing my Star Wars pillow under my chin. "Five more minutes," I mumbled, burying deeper into my warm and cozy bed.
Another loud banging shook my bedroom door as Bella screamed, "Edward, get the fuck up!"
"Alright, alright, I'm up!" I called, sliding out of bed.
Half an hour and two cups of coffee later, we were sitting in Bella's rusted out truck, waiting for the heater to warm up. The truck rumbled and sputtered as the engine warmed, the ice on the windshield slowly melting as the air from the vents heated. I blew into my gloved hands, trying to warm my fingers as Bella slid into the passenger seat beside me.
"Goddamn it's cold. My fucking nipples are about to bust through my dress," Bella stuttered, her teeth chattering noisily as she rubbed her hands over her chest.
"Jesus Bella, put your nipples away!" I said, reaching into my jacket pocket and pulling out two hand warmers, ripping open the packs.
"What's that?" Bella asked, leaning over the center console, her hands still planted on her chest.
"Hand warmers," I said, shaking the pads to warm them.
Bella reached over, snatching the warmers from my hands. "Gimme that."
"Hey!" I protested, but she leaned away from me and proceeded to shove the two warmers down the front of her bra.
"Ahhh, yeah, that's the shit, toasty warm," she purred, sitting back in the seat with a big grin on her face.
I just stared at her, contemplating whether or not to reach into her top to retrieve the hand warmers. Thinking better of it, I just shook my head at her and put the car into reverse and made my way out of the driveway.
"You want to come with me at lunch? I have to go to 'Pants Palooza' to get some new pants for tonight," I said, rounding the corner of our street.
"Nah, I'll just pull something out of my extensive wardrobe," Bella said, rubbing errantly at her right breast. "Actually, I'll just borrow something from Angela."
"Okay, well I'll bring home dinner then and-" I was interrupted suddenly by a loud yell from Bella.
"Oh, fuck! It burns! It burns!" she screamed, clawing at her chest, her hands digging down into her bra. Apparently the hand warmers she had stolen from me had warmed just a little too much. She pawed and grabbed at her chest as I doubled over in laughter, trying my hardest to keep the car on the icy road.
"It's not funny Edward! OH SHIT, they're stuck... my nipples are on fire!" she yelled, ripping her jacket open. "Pull the car over!"
I was laughing so hard that my sides were hurting. I could barely see out of my tear filled eyes, but I managed to pull the car over to the side of the road where Bella immediately opened the door, diving face first into the snow.
"Ohhh," she sighed loudly as she shoved her tits into the snow. "Ohhh, yeah."
She picked herself up, reaching into her bra and pulling out the offending pads, tossing them into the snow beside her. She lifted herself back into the car with a huff, and I burst into laughter again, unable to stop.
"Fuck you!" she spat. "My nipples are burnt, you spaz!"
"That was...oh, fuck...that was the funniest thing I've ever seen!" I laughed, pulling the car away from the curb.
I pulled over again a few blocks down, outside of my work. We both jumped out of the car, meeting on the sidewalk.
"I'll see you tonight then. Pick me up at six?" I asked.
"Sure, Sure," she said. I held out my arms for our morning hug; Bella huffed loudly, but came in anyway. "Six o'clock. And Edward?" she called, moving around to the driver's side. "There better be free beer and food for me to eat, or I'll stick hand warmers on your balls when you're asleep."
I laughed and waved goodbye, making my way inside. Emmett was already at his desk, swinging from side to side on his chair.
"Edward, you tappin' Bella's fine ass yet or what?"
A customer walked in, a hard drive under his arm, and rang the bell at the service counter. I threw my things under the front desk and hung up my jacket.
"How many times to I have to say it, Emmett? B and I have a good thing going. She pays the rent and she helps with the bills. Why would I complicate that with sex?"
Emmett looked at me dumbfounded as the customer at the counter rang the bell again: twice.
"Uhhh, let's see, because you haven't been laid in fucking forever, and your dick is going to morph into a vagina?"
I shook my head. "I've known her since high school, and you don't fuck someone you've known since high school."
"Excuse me?" asked the man the front counter, looking over at us.
"Hey," said Emmett, "I met Rosie in high school and we've been married for twelve years!"
The guy at the front counter tapped the bell impatiently and said, "Hey! Can someone help me out here?"
Emmett poured us both a cup of coffee, adding three sugars to each.
"How is Rosalie by the way?" I asked, smirking.
He groaned loudly, "I love her to death, but I swear, that woman is the bane of my existence!"
I laughed, sipping the hot coffee slowly and setting it on the desk.
"Hey, fuckers, is this a computer repair shop?" shouted the man from the front counter.
I walked slowly over to the counter, putting my glasses and name badge on as I went.
"Hi, welcome to 'Your Motherboard.' I'm Edward. How can I help you today?"
The guy lifted his hard drive onto the front counter. "I bought new software, and now I can't download, and I keep getting error messages."
I picked up a clipboard from the counter. "What operating system are you running?"
He looked at me blankly.
"Operating system, XP? Vista? Windows 7?" I said, passing him the customer registration forms.
"Oh, it's uh, Vista I think."
I heard Emmett chuckle from behind me.
"Well, there's your problem! Vista is a piece of shit system, full of glitches and bullshit system errors. The only way to get rid of Vista is by booting off the CD and formatting the computer. It will wipe everything out and allow you to start all over with Windows 7, but you're gonna lose all OEM software and any other preloaded things on the computer, so I'll make backups just in case you ever want them back. Then once Windows 7 is installed I'll need to reinstall all the other windows updates, software, and drivers. It takes about 2-3 hours, and you will have to purchase the Windows software which is $259.95, plus the labor, so you're looking at $328.95."
The guy's jaw dropped, and he moaned, "Well, fuck."
What a way to start a day, I thought.
Other than the reboot, business was slow. Emmett and I played a game with spit balls for an hour, and then spent another hour arguing about who played the best Dr. Who, which, by the way, was Tom Baker, no contest.
I took an extra long lunch, making my way over to 'Pants Palooza' to get a cool ass pair of black pants for the reunion, and damn, I looked all James Bond in that shit. And I could have pulled off the James Bond, too, if I hadn't gotten all tangled in my pants and fallen out of the changing room in just my underwear.
Lucky for me, there was no one else to see it.
I was standing at the front desk at work again, this time arguing with Emmett about DC comics versus Marvel, when the phone rang.
"Good afternoon, Your Mother, this is Emmett...Have you tried turning it off and on?"
He sighed loudly.
"OK, the button on the side, is it glowing? Yeah, you need to turn it on...," I watched as Emmett ran his hands over his eyes.
"The button on the side turns it on…"
The buzzer on the front door sounded, and I turned to see Bella stroll in, still in her uniform and almost three hours early.
"Yeah, there you go. I just heard it come on. Okay… Thank you for calling Your Mother, and have a nice day." Emmett hung the phone up and smiled widely at Bella. "Hey Bells!"
Bella reached up and gave Emmett a high five and then threw herself into the chair across from me.
"What are you doing here?" I asked. "You didn't leave early again did you? Bella, it's your turn for rent this month!"
"If by left early, you mean got into an argument with a customer and then got fired, then yes, I did leave early."
The wind exited my lungs in a loud whoosh. "You what!"
Oh, Jesus, we were so fucked.