Lol, last chapter guys!! Last one!! Read on and enjoy!!!
Disclaimer: Me no ownie South Park.
Warnings: Lotta f-bombs in here, and the fact that you're gonna laugh your ass off!!
III. Lights, Cameras, Action!!
Saturday came by quickly, and all too soon Craig, Kenny and Tweek were in front of a certain house, one certain perverted blonde carrying a video camera in one hand and a large duffel bag slung over one shoulder. Kenny lead them to the front door, deftly picking the lock and opening the door, brazenly strutting in.
Tweek was totally freaking out.
"Augh!! Oh, sweet -ngh- Jesus!! W-what if we -ngh- g-get caught?1 We're totally not s-supposed to be here! He'll k-k-kill us!!"
"Relax, Tweekers, he's not even here." Kenny chuckled. "He went to go do shit; I know for a fact he won't be home for hours. We're totally in the clear."
Tweek didn't look completely satisfied, but a reassuring hug from Craig calmed him down somewhat. Kenny locked the front door, and they all trooped up to the bedroom, Kenny once again locking the door and dropping the duffel bag. Craig glanced at it suspiciously, going over to examine it.
"Dude, what is all this stuff?"
"Things." Kenny grinned. Craig rooted around in it, frowning as he pulled something out. "What the fuck are we gonna do with a...tennis racquet?"
"We'll find some use for it, don't worry." The taller blonde smirked, fiddling with the camera. Tweek was looking around nervously, sipping his coffee in loud, anxious jerks and trying not to freak out. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea...
"Alright--" Kenny began, only to be cut off by Tweek's sudden shriek. The twitchy blonde clamped a hand over his mouth, flushing in embarrassment.
"S'okay." Kenny waved it off. "Anyway, just so you know, I'm gonna have to get close during certain scenes, y'know, for cumshots or whatever."
Tweek squealed, blushing, and Craig rolled his eyes. "Jesus, man, you make it sound so dirty."
Kenny laughed, looking at them and holding up the camera to face them. "Okay, how do you wanna start?"
"Gah!! W-what?!" Tweek twitched nervously. "J-just like th-that?!" Oh God, maybe this really wasn't such a good idea...what would the others say if he said he didn't want to do this anymore?
Kenny thought for a minute. "You're right. We don't wanna start off with just a sex scene. This isn't gonna be some stupid porno, I want this to be amazing, something really cool and funny."
"You want this to be funny?" Craig interrupted, scowling darkly. "What the fuck, are you just planning to laugh at this?"
"No, no, that's not it! Dude, you don't get it." Kenny waved at both of them. "You two are so goddamn cute, and I want that to show through, I don't want this to be stupid meaningless sex. I want it to be real, something emotional, something that really makes you feel something, even if it is just to jack off."
There was silence.
"That's alot of thought for just a porno." Craig said finally, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, y'know, after all the cutesy stuff, we can skip straight to the dirty, kinky sex fun." Kenny grinned, causing Craig to roll his eyes again.
"You're something else, Kenny." He sighed.
"That I am, my boy, that I am." Kenny chuckled. He turned to Tweek, who had been watching this exchange in twitchy silence. "Okay, Tweekie, I can pretty much see you're feeling nervous, so let's take it slow." He directed to camera toward himself, pressing the record button.
"Hellooooo, people!! You are now watching Kenny McCormick's awesome, hot, sweaty, fucking amazing porno!!"
"Jesus Christ, Kenny." Craig muttered. Kenny turned the camera toward the raven.
"Let's have our cast of characters! Here's...Craig!!"
Craig flipped the camera off, scowling, and Kenny laughed. "Sunshine and daisies, this one! He's lucky he's so hot! Now...Tweek!!" He turned it to Tweek, who shrieked. "Yup, our lovable little coffee-addict! No, he is not on crack, he's just had too much coffee. The little guy loves the stuff! Ain't that right, Tweekie?"
"...ngh, y-yeah." Tweek ventured a shaky smile. This wasn't so bad...
"Awww, ain't he adorable?" Kenny chuckled, laying the camera on top of the dresser so it still had a good shot of Tweek.
"Alright, Craig, out!" With a strength and speed no one thought he had, Kenny unlocked and opened the room door, shoving Craig out and slamming it shut in his face, locking it again.
"What the fuck, Kenny?!!" Craig yelled, pounding on the door. He could hear Tweek's startled squeals inside, squeaking something along the lines of "No -gah!!- s-stop it Kenny! No, I don't wanna!!" What the hell was Kenny doing to his Tweek!?! A few moments and Tweek screams later, the door opened and a raging Craig barreled inside, ready to strangle that perverted blonde bastard until the life left those fucking eyes of his and he stopped breathing. His jaw dropped.
Tweek was standing in the middle of the room, wearing a thin, see-through lacy black robe that came just below his butt, the sleeves hanging over his trembling hands and he tried vainly to tug the hem lower. A pair of black floppy bunny ears were attached to his head, flipping over his blushing face, and Craig could clearly see the silky black panties Kenny had fitted him in.
Holy fucking Jesus, Kenny was a god.
As he tackled Tweek onto the bed, Kenny allowed himself a small grin.
Oh yeah. Let the fun begin.
When Craig was finally calm enough to stop ravaging Tweek senselessly, Kenny started tossing him things from the duffel bag to use to Craig's full creative extent. Which happened to be alot, actually.
And yes, they did find a use for that tennis racquet.
Kenny, personally, was amazed at how imaginative Craig was. Fuzzy handcuffs didn't just have to be used to restrain the hands, and the fact that Tweek could even move that way was astounding to say the least. Who knew Tweek could be in that position and still find a way to lean backwards to kiss Craig? Certainly not Kenny, and he'd thought he'd seen it all.
He'd definitely have to give Satan and his newest boytoy a couple of pointers next time on his Hell visit.
But either way, this was different than normal oh-my-God-I-wanna-laugh-my-ass-off-porn. This was pretty...hot. And it was turning Kenny on.
Just a little.
They were in the middle of a scene involving oranges, duct tape and a stepladder, when Kenny just had to ask.
Stepping closer to make sure he had a good shot of Craig, he asked casually,
"So, Craig...I can have some...fun with this later, right?"
Tweek gave a half-muffled squeak at the question, and Craig glared at Kenny, spitting out the orange slice he had (rightfully) won.
"Do it, and die."
"Hmph, fine." Kenny muttered, concentrating back on his camera. I'll just make myself a copy later anyways. Ha, take that, Tucker.
They finally wrapped it all up and cleaned the place at about four thirty, and soon Kenny was jumping up and down outside in happiness.
"Yes, dammit! Fucking God, yes!!" He laughed hysterically. "The passion! The hotness! The flippin' amazing kinky sexiness of Tweek in nothing but a damn apron! I love my life, dammit! You hear me God?!" He stepped forward, throwing his hands up to the sky. "I LOVE MY FUCKING LIFE!!!!"
Craig and Tweek both looked up expectantly. Nothing happened.
"Huh. You think that would been the perfect time for something to come along and kill you." Craig commented. "Or at least some lightning."
At that moment, a car driving by suddenly popped a tire, losing control and swerving straight toward Kenny.
"Holy shit!!" Kenny barely managed to jump back out of the way, and the car shrieked right past him, crashing into a nearby tree. Kenny flipped off the sky.
"Ha! What now, suckers?! What the fuck now?!"
"Dude... not such a good idea..." Craig warned him, his point only accentuated by the agreeing squeak Tweek gave him. Kenny laughed.
"Alright, alright. Now, I gotta get home so I can edit this and burn you guys a disc, okay? See ya!" He strode off, dodging a randomly thrown knife aimed at his head, duffel bag in one hand and whistling a merry tune.
Tweek stared nervously after him. "M-maybe we s-shouldn't've -ngh- l-let him take it..."
"...maybe." Craig looked at him. "...do you think Kenny'll let you keep that black lace thing? You looked pretty sexy in it."
The blonde blushed, chugging down the rest of his coffee. "D-d-don't say stuff -gah- l-like that!! Augh!! I-it's too much pressure!!" He looked down at his empty thermos. "...b-buy me some more c-coffee?"
As they started walking to the nearest coffee shop, Tweek spoke up again.
"...w-when do y'think w-we'll -erk- g-get it?"
"Dude, I have no idea."
A/N: Yup, that's it. I know, I know, crappy ending or whatnot, but whatever. Suck it up. That was all I got for this story, it just ran dry. Quell your disappointed cries, they fall on deaf ears!!!
The fucking end!!
Nah, I'm just fucking with you! XDDDDD The best part is yet to come!! Read on my pets!!!
Happy April Fool's Day!!
Kenny gave them the finished product the next day, and even Tweek was pleased with the result. The coffee-addict would even go as far to say he was actually a little proud of himself. Both Kenny and Craig thought he was the sexiest thing ever. And hell yeah, that was a total self-esteem booster.
Craig was still just trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Tweek had actually gone along with it.
The raven was walking aimlessly down the street a week later, heading over to Tweek's house. He'd just gotten the new Final Fantasy game, and he was itching to play it with his twitchy boyfriend.
A yell from behind caught his attention.
"Craig!! Oh my God, Craig!!!"
He turned around, and Kenny almost slammed into him, grabbing onto the front of his shirt and shaking him roughly. Kenny's eyes were wide, his face flushed with excitement and his voice completely feverish.
"Craig, you won't believe it! You won't fucking believe it! Holy fucking shit, I still can't believe it! Sweet fucking Jesus, we're famous! We're fucking famous! Fucking mother of God, dude, people are talking about the Golden Dickie Awards, man! This is big, this is fucking big!!!"
"Jesus Christ, man, calm the fuck down!!" Craig pushed Kenny off of him, keeping him at arm's length. "What the fuck did you smoke?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"What the hell is wrong? You mean the hell is right!!" Kenny laughed madly. "Everything is right!! Every fucking goddamn thing is right! We're fucking immortal!!"
"...dude. Breathe. Just breathe a little." Craig advised him warily. "Alright, what's made everything 'right'? Why're we immortal?"
Kenny made a visible effort to calm down, taking deep breaths until he was reasonably still. But the eyes that gazed at Craig were still glazed with feverish triumph.
"Okay, okay. So after I gave you the disc with your porno stuff on it, I went online to update my blog, because I was feeling pretty damn happy--"
"Wait a minute." Craig interrupted. "You have a blog?"
"Yeah, yeah,it's just something I do on my free time, y'know just to put down my thoughts and shit." Kenny said absently, waving it away. "But anyway!! I was uploading one of my videos, a really cute one between Stan and Kyle over by the park, but the thing was, I uploaded the wrong one! I was supposed to put up 0122, not 0211, and I accidentally put up your porno!"
"You stupid son of a bitch!" Craig exploded. "What the fuck, it was supposed to be private, dammit!! You stupid fucker, it was for us, not the entire fucking internet!!" He sighed angrily, taking off his blue hat to run a hand irritably through his hair, clearly trying not to kill Kenny. "Okay, but no one reads your blog, right? You realized your mistake, took it off, and no one knew about it, right?!"
Kenny looked completely unfazed by Craig's anger,a wide grin parting his lips. "Dude. No. I didn't know until today, cuz I didn't check it until today, and oh my fucking God, you won't believe it--"
"You won't believe how easily I'm going to snap your neck, Kenny!" Craig roared. Kenny grabbed his shirt, bringing him in close.
"Three million hits."
"I don't care how ma--what?" Craig stopped suddenly, his eyes widening. "...say again?"
"Three fucking million hits. In one week." Kenny was breathing heavily again. "That's more than Brent Corrigan's first video ever got, and look where the fuck he is now!!! I got a message from Micheal Lucas, Micheal fucking Lucas, saying he wants to buy the shit!! Holy mother of fucking God, we're fucking famous!! We could go on to the Grabbys!! Win the fucking awards of '10!!! Shit, man, people are talking about giving you and Tweek a fucking Golden Dickie!!! Don't you fucking get it, Craig?! We've reached fucking famous IMMORTALITY!!!"
"...oh my God." Craig's mind was in a whirl. Three million people had seen the video. He didn't know what the hell a Grabby or a Golden Dickie was, and he didn't give a fuck as to who Brent Corrigan and Micheal Lucas were, but they sounded important, and by the way Kenny was talking, it was amazing. He could already feel his heart race in excitement. Holy shit, when Tweek found out ab--
Craig grabbed Kenny's shoulders. "Dude. Dude. You're gonna have to show me this in person, cuz this is just way too much."
"Yeah, yeah!" Kenny nodded eagerly. "Oh God, I still can't believe it! I was commented on by Micheal Lucas!! My freaking life is complete, man!!"
"But!!" Craig interrupted him, cutting him off. "Tweek can't find out, man. EVER."
Kenny froze. "Tweek. Oh my God, he'll freak the fuck out."
"Yeah, exactly." Craig agreed. "So, not a word about th--"
Tweek came screaming up the street, face flushed, waving his thermos around like a madman. Barreling into Craig, he cuddled viciously into him, trembling violently.
"Oh my God, th-the people, gah!! Th-the people, a-a-all staring, coffee, g-gonna go -ngh- t-t-to the store, people, augh!! Staring, guys wh-wh-whistling, don't know how th-they -ngh- know me, watching me, saying s-s-stuff about me!!!" He looked up at Craig, panicked and hyperventilating. "Gah!! C-Craig!! Th-they know!! They fucking know!!! They're after me, man! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY KNOW?!!?"
"Uhh...." Craig looked to Kenny for guidance, but all he saw was a flash of orange taking off down the street.
"GODDAMMIT KENNY, GET BACK HERE!!!"
Craig sighed, trying to think of a way to break the news to the panicked Tweek. This was gonna take a while.
"Dude, did you hear?"
Kyle walked up to Stan and Cartman sitting on the park bench. Stan looked up at him, curious.
"No, man, what?"
"Kyle, you stupid Jew, I'm bored! Entertain me!" Cartman demanded. Kyle glared at him.
"Fuck off, fatasss."
"Ay! I'm not fat, dammit!" Cartman whined. "Man, this is so fucking boring! Kenny's not here, so I can't even rip on his po' ass! This is weak, man! What the hell are we doing here, anyway?!"
"Dude, no, I didn't hear, what is it?" Stan tried to catch Kyle's attention.
"Oh yeah. Apparently, Tweek and Craig made a porno with Kenny."
"What?!" Cartman bolted up. "There's no way them two faggots did something that gay!"
"I'm totally serious! It's all over the internet! People are calling it the hottest thing ever made!" Kyle said. Stan looked astounded.
"Yeah, no joke."
Cartman groaned. "I'm drowning in faggotry."
Stan looked thoughtful. "Dude, I wanna see it."
"What?" Cartman looked scandalized. "You actually want to go look at that faggotfest? I don't wanna see some twitchy freak getting boned by his loser boyfriend!"
"Dude, if they're calling it the hottest thing ever, and Tweek, Craig, and Kenny made it, it's gotta be something." Stan shrugged. "It's not like I'm gonna get off on it."
"Well, I was actually thinking about looking at it too," Kyle said. "But I can't at my house."
"Dude, Stan, because my mother would flip shit if she ever found out I was looking at that kinda stuff." Kyle rolled his eyes. "Duh, she'd kill me."
"Oh, true." Stan nodded knowingly. "Well, we can't do it at my house; my mom hates me looking or talking about anything sexual after that Red Rocket shit."
They both looked at Cartman. The fat boy scowled. "Oh hell no, we are not watching that crap in my house..."
Kyle held up a twenty.
"...without popcorn." Cartman finished, snatching the money from Kyle's grasp.
"Sweet. Come on, man, I'm bored. We might as well go now." Stan stood up, stretching.
They walked the short distance to Cartman's house, the fatass yelling at his mom not to bother them and trooping up to his bedroom. Cartman sat in front of his computer, taking it out of the sleep mode and accessing the internet.
"Alright, Jew rat, how do we get there?"
Kyle reached over, bringing up Google and typing in 'Twinky Fun'. Cartman looked at it.
"What the hell is twinky fun?"
"I dunno. Apparently that's what people are calling it." Kyle shrugged. "Oh wait, here it is."
They all stared at the screen, looking at a grinning Kenny announcing the beginning of their amazing porno. Kyle looked down at the length.
"Holy crap, this thing is almost four hours long!!"
"Jesus Christ." Stan whistled.
Kenny made the introductions, and Cartman frowned. "Something's off about this, guys..."
"Whaddya mean?" Stan asked curiously. He laughed. "Tweek looks so nervous."
"Don't see how he had the balls to do this." Kyle added, chucking. Cartman continued to frown.
"Still something off..."
They had just reached the part when Craig tackled Tweek onto the bed when Cartman shot up, screaming.
"THOSE FUCKTARDS DID IT IN MY ROOM!!!!"
A/N: I'm sorry, that was a low trick I used for April Fool's...but I'm still laughing my ass off. I hope you guys aren't too mad. And yes, it was in Cartman's room. Lol. XDDDDDD Take that, fatass!! Okjay, no more, seriously! I'm glad y'all follwed along on my perverted crap, thanks to all my reviewers!!! Just one thing though...
1) How many of you went to go look up the word 'twink'?
2) How many of you are gonna go look up the Grabby's, Golden Dickie Awards, Brent Corrigan and Micheal Lucas?
3) How many of you thought of something to do with oranges, duct tape and a stepladder? XDDDDDDD
Please review, if only to answer the questions!! I eagerly await your answers!!