Author's Note: This story was written several years ago, therefore suggestions and bitchy whiny complaints are generally impotent.
Warning: This story contains cannibalism, bestiality, castration, prostitution, death, violence, impalement, mauling, stalking, molestation, animal abuse, masturbation, disfigurement, anorexia, bulimia, promiscuity, pedophilia, S&M, decapitation, drug abuse, freakish deformities, witch-hunting, child abuse, and pokemon. Also, it gets stupider as it progresses.
Summary: Locked in a house for 30 days with several embarrassing tasks to complete, fifteen jounin examiners slowly lose their minds.
Boys and Girls
Kakashi sighed. He had been tricked into treating his annoying subordinates to a free sugar high. "So what did you get?" he asked as the three exited the small shop.
"Crackers," declared Sakura, holding up a small package. She, after all, had to keep an eye on her figure.
"Hn," said Sasuke, holding up a bag of trail mix.
Kakashi glanced at these items from behind his naughty book. The healthiness was sickening. Well, at least he had Naruto to count on. "And you?" he said, looking down at the boy in question.
"I got this!" Naruto said, enthusiastically holding something up into the air.
...Kakashi's beloved book slipped from his fingers.
Naruto was holding a...a...
A cherry flavored condom.
Waving his arms a few times through the air in an effort to keep his balance, Kakashi failed, and fell face first to the ground.
"Huh...?" Naruto blinked. "What's wrong?" He slowly turned to his teammates.
Sakura's face was bright red, and Sasuke - it was the first time Naruto had ever seen him blush.
"Nar-Naruto!" Sakura growled.
Sasuke shuddered. "Idiot," he hissed, before sauntering off, his shoulder twitching oddly.
Sending Naruto dirty looks, Sakura hurried off after Sasuke.
"Naruto, I think it's time you and I had a talk about the birds and the bees," Kakashi groaned from the dirt.
Naruto was traumatized by the next morning, not only disturbed, but shocked by all the disgusting stories and lies Kakashi had told him the previous night. Pah, like men and women actually did that at night! And not only had Kakashi-sensei scarred him for life, but he had also gone as far as to steal Naruto's candy and slip it into his own wallet, to salvage later, no doubt.
No matter, thought Naruto. He'd eventually figure out a way to get his candy back. Perhaps he'd even do it publicly, so that the entire leaf village could acknowledge Kakashi for the foul thief he truly way.
Today, however, Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura were required to attend an official chunnin meeting together, oddly enough, at the Hyuuga house.
The meeting wasn't exactly what the three had expected. It seemed that all the chunnin of Konoha had arrived, including Ino, Chouji, Shikamaru, Neji, Tenten, Lee, Hinata, Kiba, Shino, and curiously, Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro from Suna.
What's going on? he wondered, as she entered the meeting room. "Maybe if I ask Hinata-chan..." he said, and drifted away before either of his teammates could protest.
Sakura watched as Naruto squeezed himself between Kiba and Hinata on the other side of the room. The heiress' face seemed to ignite as Naruto sat down beside her.
"She really likes him," Sakura mentioned, weakly smiling. "Naruto's such an oblivious moron."
"Hn," Sasuke agreed.
Sakura watched as Naruto asked Hinata something, most likely for details concerning the meeting. Hinata looked down at her lap, still blushing, and shrugged. The blonde sighed.
Sakura looked up to meet Sasuke's eyes.
"Let's sit down."
"Ah - right," Sakura responded, following Sasuke. A mischievous smile crawled across her face. Yes! Naruto's finally out of the picture! I wonder what Saskue-kun would do if I tried to grab his thigh under the table...
Naruto, meanwhile, busied himself with interrogating Hinata. After she had said, for the fifth time, that she had no clue what was going on, the blonde retired. In boredom, he leaned back in his chair, attempting to keep balance on the back two legs, and vaguely wondered why Hinata was impersonating a tomato.
The Hokage's here too? he thought, as the woman in question entered the room.
"Listen carefully," Tsunade called over the chattering chunnin. Kakashi, Gai, Kurenai, Asuma, and even Baki, entered after her.
No one was listening. Neji was industriously combing his luscious locks, and Kiba and Akamaru were conversing loudly over them.
"By the end of this month, one of the people in this room will be promoted to the rank of jounin."
This got everyone's attention.
As Naruto gasped and fell backwards in his chair, everyone else in the room leapt to their feet. "What!?"
"I'm glad I caught your interest," Tsunade said humorlessly. "If you want a chance to become a jounin, the fifteen of you are to stay inside this house for a month and complete three tasks, each assigned to you by your respective jounin sensei. These tasks will be challenging, designed specifically to combat each of your weaknesses in physical, mental, and social skills. If they cannot be completed within thirty days, you will fail."
A month? thought Sakura. She eyed Kakashi. And exactly what kind of tasks?
"Social skills," Sasuke muttered to himself, his eyebrow twitching.
"Of course," Sakura whispered.
Sasuke threw her a glance.
"We're the future of Konoha," Sakura continued. "Social skills are imperative to politics – especially when we have to enter neighboring territories for missions."
Sasuke frowned but turned away. How far will he go... he wondered, eying Kakashi's elated right eye. Creepy...
"The first task will be given to you this evening," the Hokage was saying. "But after tonight, we leave everything else to you. You will be alone here, and you will have to find your remaining two tasks."
Sasuke walked through the guest wing that evening, giving each of the doors a quick glance. He stopped at the one at the end of the hall. Uchiha Sasuke, it read beneath a few other nametags. Sasuke entered the room. There was a window, a television, and...three beds. Sasuke approached the one closest to the window, and looked up as the door opened again to reveal-
-Shikamaru and Chouji.
"Hn," Sasuke said, eying them like diseased birds. "Where's-?"
"-Sasuke?" Naruto said, looking at Kiba and Shino oddly.
Kiba raised an eyebrow. "He's in a different room," he said.
"I...don't...understand," Naruto said, beginning to sweat.
The five teams were summoned to the Hyuuga's large cafeteria-like dining room that night for dinner. Naruto had somehow gotten stuck at a branch house table, the lowly Hyuuga Neji chomping on slop just a few seats away. Naruto glared jealously at Hinata, whose table had roast duck – and fresh caviar! He groaned when they broke out a bottle of tequila.
The blonde sighed. He sat between Kiba and Shino, and across from Sakura, Chouji, and Shikamaru. Sasuke was nowhere in sight. The fox boy had taken to glaring at Tsunade who was also sitting at a main house table surrounded by the beautiful people, all laughing inanely.
What's with the freaky room arrangements? Naruto wondered.
"I'm with Hinata," Sakura mentioned. "Naruto?"
He looked up. "Oh, just Kiba and Shino," he said disgustedly.
The men in question twitched.
"Hmm," mumbled Sakura, sipping her tea. "That's odd."
"Yeah," Naruto agreed. His eyes slowly shifted to the person beside Sakura. "Chouji, who are you rooming with?"
As hard as it was to do, Chouji pulled himself away from his plate to quickly state, "ShikamaruandSasuke." Precious food spurted from his mouth and in all directions. He expertly lapped up what he could, before burying his head back into his plate.
Naruto leapt to his feet and pointed an accusing finger at the boy. "You!" he said, narrowing he eyes. "Yooouuu!"
Everyone stared at Naruto in shocked silence.
"You have to switch with me!" Naruto demanded, grabbing Chouji's collar.
The fat boy, interrupted from his scarfing, was shocked and - um - appalled. "No can do," he said as he attempted to reach his food with his elongated purple tongue.
"Grrrr," said Naruto. "I'll fight you for that room!"
A fight? thought Chouji, on the brink of tears. During dinner? Is he mad? Just let me eat, dammit!
"C'mon, let's do it!" said Naruto, flexing his muscles and preparing himself for a spinning bird kick.
"Fine, whatever, you can have the room, just leave me alone!" Chouji wined.
Naruto gasped, quickly releasing the bigger man. "Alright!" he said, flipping the table in his excitement and hurrying off to his new room.
Shikamaru, Kiba, Shino, Chouji, and Sakura jumped to their feet in surprise, Chouji having broken into a fit of violent tears. Sakura stared down at her dress, which was now covered in slop. "Grrrr, Naruto!" she screamed.
Later that night as Shikamaru, Kiba, and Shino accompanied Sakura to the bedrooms, Sakura continued to fume.
"I don't get it," Shino muttered. "Sasuke and Naruto's need to be roommates...are they gay or something?"
Sakura blinked. "Oh, no-no-no," she said. "They're just really close friends. Brothers, really. I don't think they can function without each other," she sighed dreamily. "They even wear these cute heart-shaped friendship necklaces with each other's pictures on them."
Everyone paused for a moment.
"I say they're gay," Kiba coughed.
"IIE!" screamed Sakura angrily.
Ironically, the pink-haired medical ninja knocked Kiba unconscious with a swift kick to the family jewels. Being that Shino and Shikamaru were shitlessly terrified, they continued to walk as though nothing had happened.
At the end of the hall, Sakura and her temporary entourage spotted Naruto and Sasuke in front of the Uchiha's room.
"Hn, what are you doing here, idiot?" the brunette was saying.
Naruto stuck his nose in the air. "Chouji couldn't stand you, so he made me switch with him," he said, pushing passed Sasuke and entering the bedroom. "Arrgh, dammit, it already smells like you!"
Sasuke sighed. "Idiot," he muttered, entering the room after Naruto.
"Weird..." muttered Shikamaru as Sakura giggled nervously.
"Well, I guess I'll wait here with them until Kakashi-sensei shows up with our first task. See you guys later." She glanced behind her, but Shino and Shikamaru had mysteriously disappeared.
"I wonder what's taking Kakashi-sensei so long," Sakura said with a yawn. Two hours had already passed, and she was growing tired.
On the bright side...
What if we end up waiting for Kakashi all night long. Me and Sasuke might fall asleep in each other's arms, and while he's still unconscious, I can... Inner-Sakura chuckled psychotically. The kunoichi glanced out the window-
And then released a high-pitched scream at the sight of someone's face pressed tightly against the glass.
As Sakura fell over unconscious (neither boys bothering to catch her), Naruto and Sasuke looked up at the window. "Kakashi!"
Naruto opened the window, and in hopped the jounin. "Sorry I'm late," said Kakashi. "I was molested by-"
"Yeah, whatever, just give us the damn task," interrupted the Uchiha.
Kakashi sniffed hurtfully. "Ah, yes," he muttered. "Naruto, you first." He motioned for the blonde to come closer.
"Yes!" said the blonde, approaching Kakashi.
Kneeling down to Naruto's ear, Kakashi whispered, "Your first task is to...remain in sexy no jutsu...for three days."
"NANI?" screamed Naruto. "WHAT KIND OF TASK IS THAT?"
Ignoring him, Kakashi stepped over the unconscious Sakura, and whispered to Sasuke, "And your task is to betray one of your roommates."
Sasuke blinked. "Betray my roommate?" he repeated, loudly enough for Naruto to hear.
Naruto, recovering from his shock, clapped his hands together. "Eaz-zeee," he said. "Shikamaru likes Temari. Temari likes you." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Sasuke twitched. "Idiot," he hissed for the twelfth time that day, turning away in an effort to hide the faint blush on his cheeks as he thought of the girl he really liked. Ooooooooo.
As if on cue, Sakura stirred. "Kak-Kakashi sensei," she mumbled drowsily, opening one of her eyes. Realization quickly dawning on her, she sat bolt upright. "Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura said.
"Good morning - ah, evening, Sakura," Kakashi said, again kneeling down to whisper Sakura's task into her ear.
When he had finished, Kakashi unearthed an odd-looking board with the three names: Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto written on it. The words, First Task, Second Task, and Third Task, were written beneath each of their names.
"Each time one of your tasks are completed, a check mark will appear on this board," Kakashi said, hanging the board on the wall. "When this board indicates that all three of your tasks have been completed, you may leave this house and head to the Hokage's office. The first one, out of the fifteen here, who gets there with all his or her tasks completed will become promoted to jounin."
His three subordinates nodded, determined expressions on each of their faces.
"All right then," Kakashi muttered, walking out the door. "I'll see you three in a month."