Boys and Girls
by Bullwinkle's Lady
Shikamaru was traumatized from the event, and devoted the rest of his life to growing strong enough to kill Sasuke and to avenge the deaths of...Tenten?...and...erm...der...never mind...
Sasuke ran off to be emo elsewhere, and never traumatized the good citizens of Konoha with his psychotic, emo ranting ever again.
Gaara remembered he didn't need to be a jounin because he was already the Kazekage! Chuckling lightly to himself, he returned to Suna, which had become a mess of war since the disappearance of their leader about thirty days prior.
After plenty of therapy, Neji came to realize he in fact, was not a mummy, and resumed his normal life. Upon noticing his testicles were missing, he immediately after killed himself.
Lee was never seen or heard from again. Some say he ran off to be an exotic dancer, living in a small log cabin deep within the secret forest of Amazonia. ...Yeah, let's go with that.
Naruto and Hinata, yes, are still inside that very closet. After the disappearance of the horrible, codependent, Eeyore/Bigfoot-type pairing, the world rejoiced, and NaruHina was never seen or heard of ever again.
And as for everyone else...well, they died.
And everyone lived happily ever after.