All around me, people just stared. Just looked at me with no emotion in their eyes. I felt cold, alone and no one threw me a life line. My thoughts were racing and all I could hear was the hoarse gasping of my breath. It seemed like years before I could see hope. My heart, was beating so slow, with a dying breath and it made tears, dot my cheeks. I had to reach for it, I just had to, the glint of it was a star in my eyes. It was the way out of this feeling of horrid emptiness. My impulses beat my mind to telling me to reach for it. In my hands it was the only thing with life. Even though it didn't breathe or have a heart, it was alive. Slowly and gently, my fingers caressed it as a mother does with her child. At that moment, I lifted it to my skin, tracing the outlines of my veins. They seemed to have been bulging up from my pale skin, like a fish waiting for bait in a pond. The hairs of my arms stood straight up, aroused at such attraction between skin and object. With one last trace, with force, I drew the object in deep. My blood, gushing from the wound like a fountain, spurring all over my arm. How it amazed me how the red liquid was guiding its way down my arm, like it would inside of me. The first sense that came to my mind was the aroma of sweet saltiness of my own blood. I didn't even feel the pain it should of brought. For the first time in many years, I cried, cried at what I lost (besides the blood.) Each tear that fell from my eye was for every moment I regretted in my life, which was thousands. The tears sent a burning sensation through my body, like hot lava. Crashing onto the floor, I realized this is the last thing I would remember before I become nothing. With one last look at my arm, my body took in one last breath of air, oh how it stung my lungs. All around me, the colors melted together, combining, changing to the color black. My only friend, left me from my grasp as I have left him. This happened on my 25th birthday.
Blurring, and muffled voices. I thought I have gotten the rotten end of the after life. The blackness still surrounded me, like a cloak. My body didn't felt like air but it felt heavy. When I thought I was flying, I was breathing, letting the cool air kiss my lungs. It didn't hurt like it did before. From a distance I could hear a beat. It was slow and rhythmic like footsteps. Where were these footsteps taking me? I wanted to know but I didn't get any answers. The blackness that surrounded me, started to fade, and a blurriness of colors took its place. My arms, were damp and heavy, just like the rest of my body. With a quick jolt I sat up. That was when my mind connected with me. My senses burning, screaming orders. The heaviness of my body was still there but I was shaking. The cold was surrounding me I could feel it. Slowly, my eyes opened, opened to a world of blankness. Everything around me was blank. I felt even more alone then I did before. It hurt my eyes to see such loneness, a disappearance of life. This shouldn't be, this shouldn't be. What happened to the life that dominated this earth? The one that God promised to Adam and Eve, where was it? All the senses in my body seemed to shake even though covered by my skin. Deep in my throat, staggered a noise, so hoarse but needy. It crawled it's way up my throat, making my lungs wish for more air. The noise, it escaped my mouth, in a loud, blood curling scream. The scream was everything I felt, these things couldn't be put into words. My fingers grabbed my hair, pulling my head down with such force. The cold sweat burning holes in my skin. I just wanted the loneness to end. Why was it following me? Why must I be tortured by it's maddening grasp. That scream, pierced my ears but it didn't end. It was heavy with emotion and it felt good to let out. My body was letting out emotions that had encased me in it's cocoon of despair. As the minutes ticked away, the scream dispersed, quieting it's voice to a soft cry. Wetness was covering my cheeks. Out of everything, the only thing I could think of doing was cry. Deep down inside somewhere, it told me to stop and even deeper then that, it told me, it felt good. Loud sobs escaped my mouth, and my lungs become heavy with deprivation of excessive amounts of air. Little wisps of hair were stuck on my drenched cheeks while my fingers were still entwined in hair on the top of my head. They seemed to have pulled, hanging on for dear life. The tears had stopped, but my body was heaving. I felt like a murderous animal after killing its prey. Sitting where I was, was a now emotion deprived child, looking for his mother in a place unknown that has not answered any of my questions. Where was I? Was I going to shake hands with the devil or with God? And why must I always be showered in loneliness?