Title: A Peep a Day
Warnings: Peep violence, some minor language
Characters: John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Richard Woolsey
Summary: Peeps invade Atlantis.
Disclaimer: I do not own them; I would have treated them better.
Additional Disclaimer: I do not own Peeps; I only borrowed them for this silly story. However, I have been known to devour a Peep or two.
Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Spring, Spring Solstice, Easter, Passover, or whatever you celebrate during the Springtime.
This silly little story is in honor of Spring, and my very strange friends who have a Peeps fascination or fetish or whatever. Happy Peeps!
A Peep a Day
They began to show up, one at a time, in odd locations all over Atlantis. The first one sat alone next to the stargate; remaining unnoticed by the Marines for nearly two hours. The next morning, one sat next to the coffee pot in the conference room. A biochemist found it prior to the daily science briefing. Around mid-morning, another popped up next to a soil sample on a workbench in the geology lab. Later in the day a cook found one in the refrigerated case, next to the blue jello. That evening, two more appeared on a random table in the mess hall. Atlantis was abuzz with talk about where the little guys had come from.
The non-Earthers on Atlantis were extremely confused by the peculiar little creatures. At dinner, Teyla asked Sheppard what these things were that everyone seemed so excited about.
Sheppard chuckled, "They are called Peeps, and they are a pop-culture phenomenon on Earth. They're actually marshmallow candy designed to look like little chicks and bunnies. Peeps are sold during the Easter holiday, and now because they are so popular, on other Earth holidays."
"You mean marshmallows like the little ones we put in hot chocolate?" Teyla asked.
"Yeah, same stuff, just made in the shape of little animals or Christmas trees or Valentine hearts; whatever."
Ronon rose, walking to the table where the pair of Peeps bunnies were sitting. He picked them up, not paying attention to the unhappy looks from the people sitting at the table. He returned to his friends.
Sitting the Peeps on the table in front of Teyla, he stared at them for a moment. He peered up at Sheppard, "These 'things' make people from Earth happy?"
Sheppard laughed, "OK...so maybe not our proudest moment. It's pretty amazing what people do with these little pieces of fluff. They create all kinds of art. People experiment on them, explode them in microwave ovens; some even eat them…not me." Sheppard made a yucky face.
Teyla picked up the little pink Peep bunny. "Colonel; I know that I have said this before. You have some very interesting customs on your planet." Ronon nodded his head in total agreement and continued to stare at the bunnies.
The next day, things turned just a bit dark. The Peeps had taken a decidedly nastier tone. A yellow Peep chick hung from the balcony over the gate room, a tiny little noose around its broken neck. At lunch, a bunny was found bent over a trash can, strings of marshmallow spilling from its mouth. Obviously, the Peep did not enjoy its meal. In the armory, a chick had been struck by a tiny 'bullet', 'blood' oozing from the 'wound' and 'x's' had been drawn over the chick's eyes. Another bunny was found stuck in the door of a transporter, 'blood' dripping down the door; its eyes' 'x's' as well.
The following day, things were darker still. Dr. Rodney McKay entered his lab to find a Peeps chick lying on his workbench. A slit had been cut in its beak, blue dye applied around the 'lips', as if it couldn't breathe. There was a tiny, squeezed lemon wedge crammed into its mouth.
Colonel Sheppard wasn't immune to the Peeps' bandit, as the grunts started calling whoever was leaving the peeps around Atlantis, either. The colonel was scheduled to conduct pilot proficiency checkouts and was using Jumper 2. As he sat down in the command chair to do his own pre-flight check, he noticed it. On the console sat a Peeps bunny and chick. The bunny was decorated like a 'clown' with a decidedly evil face, looming over a little blue chick with wild black hair glued on its little head.
"Where the hell is Sheppard?" Through the windshield, the colonel spotted a crimson-faced Rodney McKay entering the jumper bay. The scientist was carrying a something in a plastic bag. He saw one of the jumper techs point toward jumper 2. He decided he needed to have a chat with that young woman about sending McKay his way when the crabby scientist had that look on his face.
"Sheppard, are you in there?" McKay was yelling before he got halfway across the bay. Sheppard didn't answer, wondering if he could get the ramp up before McKay reached him. Crap, he thought; he didn't have enough time.
"Have you seen this?" Rodney waved the plastic bag in Sheppard's face.
"Rodney, I can't see anything with that damn thing waving in my face." He pushed McKay's arm away. "I'm busy Rodney. I have jumper pilot check-outs today, and if I am not mistaken, you're on the certification list."
"Wha…what do you mean I'm on the list?" Rodney looked somewhat surprised. "Why do I have to get checked-out? I'm not one of your grunts."
"You are a jumper pilot Rodney, although, I use the word pilot loosely around you."
"Damn it, Sheppard, somebody tried to kill me this morning. And all you are worried about is this?" Casting his arm around the jumper in displeasure, he plopped down in the copilot's seat.
"What the hell do you mean? Who tried to kill you?"
"Someone tried to kill me…they left me this." Rodney dumped the contents of the plastic bag on the console in front of Sheppard. Inside was a slightly squished pink Peep chick, ' lips blue', and a lemon wedge sticking from its beak.
Sheppard stared at the pink marshmallow blob in front of him. He looked over at Rodney, who had an apprehensive look on his face. He sighed, "Rodney; it's a Peep. Granted, it's a Peep lock and loaded with a lemon wedge…but it's a Peep. This is a joke, not a death threat." He was trying very hard not to burst out laughing.
The colonel's unsympathetic demeanor was not lost on McKay. "Laugh it up, fly-boy but when I die of anaphylactic shock, you'll think back to this moment and regret not taking me seriously."
Sheppard looked up from the console where he was attempting to finish his pre-flight check. "You seriously need to get a grip. It's a joke; not a death threat, warning, premonition, nothing." Sheppard picked up his pad lying on the console. "You need to be back here at 1300 hrs for your checkout; don't be late."
"Shepp…" Rodney stopped when Sheppard raised his finger, giving the scientist the infamous Sheppard 'glare'.
"Rodney, do you want to fly jumpers? Nod yes or no." Rodney nodded yes and Sheppard continued, "Then be here at 1300 hrs."
McKay started to argue. However, the arrival of Captain Waters for his checkout run sent the scientist scurrying away, muttering about lemons.
The next morning brought more and more bizarre Peep appearances. Dr. Radek Zelenka found Peeps decorated like the homing pigeons he loved. The Peeps were hanging by tiny wire claws from a tongue depressor, little x's for eyes. Major Lorne found a Peep chick holding a little painting with three Peep bunnies holding signs that said art critics, thumbs down on each little sign.
Dr. Deidermeyer found an assortment of colored chicks in his shower. Written on the shower wall was a question, "Which color would you like to be next?" Dr. Deidermeyer had replaced Dr. Kavanagh as the most hated and harassed scientist on Atlantis. Somehow, at least once a month, harmless blue dye flowed from the plumbing in his quarters, only. The scientist would spend a couple of days covered in streaks of blue over his body.
Later, Deidermeyer made the enormous mistake of complaining about his Peep gift to McKay. McKay was still griping about his lemon wedge. The last anyone saw of Deidermeyer that morning was as he ran from McKay's lab dodging a coffee mug.
McKay was sitting at a bench in the main lab, engrossed in a calculation. At 1300 hours, Sheppard's voice coming from his COM shattered his concentration. "McKay, you have five minutes to get in this jumper, or you are grounded until further notice."
McKay threw his head back, uttered 'crap' at the top of his lungs, startling the other scientists. He sprinted for the jumper bay.
Ninety minutes later, Sheppard and McKay emerged from Jumper 3; rescued from a beach on the mainland where McKay had crashed Jumper 2. Sheppard was soaking wet after falling fallen into the water while attempting to keep McKay from falling in. They were trying to maneuver off the ramp, which was sitting precariously on a rock along the edge of the shore. Sheppard was a very unhappy colonel.
"I told you I was distracted by the damn Peep lemon. I shouldn't be doing this today." McKay was attempting to walk quickly away from Sheppard, who had no difficulty keeping up.
"McKay, you have piloted the jumper with the Wraith after you and didn't crash. However, today you crash because you are worried about a stupid joke. I should send you to get checked out by Dr. Warren instead of Dr. Keller. I think you need a psychologist not a physician. Now get to the infirmary." Sheppard walked past him and once he was out of McKay's line of vision, he smiled. He'd let McKay think the crash was his fault, for just a bit longer. Later, he would tell him that a mechanical error that actually caused the crash.
The next morning brought more bizarre Peeps. The mysterious Peep bandit was the talk of Atlantis. Dinner the night before had been filled with people table-hopping to find out who had gotten one of the nasty little Peeps. Many people had brought their Peep prizes along to show everyone. Breakfast had been no different; as Sheppard and Ronon sat down with their food, a scream from the kitchen had them both running to see what was wrong. They found Airman Reynolds standing next to a prep area, a carton of eggs on the counter and one broken egg on the floor…a broken egg which contained a yellow Peep chick.
"It's a Peep, Reynolds." Sheppard was attempting, with little success to maintain a serious face.
"I know that, sir; it just startled me. How the hell did someone get a Peep into an egg, sir?"
"Don't ask me, airman; I have no idea." Sheppard picked up one of the eggs left in the carton. He broke it over the bowl, and a Peep fell out. After trying a couple more eggs with the same results, Sheppard laughed as he examined an unbroken egg.
"There is a tiny line here that looks like it was glued back together. Someone went to a lot of trouble." Sheppard grinned at the airman, and picked up the carton of unbroken eggs. He and Ronon headed back to their table.
Teyla, McKay, and Keller had joined them. After Sheppard sat down, he broke a couple of eggs on the tabletop, chuckling as Teyla jumped when the first Peep fell out.
"How did someone do that?" She asked incredulously.
"Looks like they sliced the shell open, cleaned it out, stuffed the Peep in. Then they carefully glued it back together; ingenious." Sheppard continued to break the remaining eggs, fascinated.
Teyla remarked, "These things are beginning to show up everywhere, colonel. Some of them are causing unhappiness in the person they are targeting. I believe that all of this is going a bit far. Miko was quite upset at the pink Peep bunny that she received with the very large glasses and an "I love Dr. McKay" sign hanging around its neck." Jennifer punched Rodney in the ribs, laughing at the mortified scientist.
Sheppard looked up quickly at Teyla's comment regarding Miko. "Yeah, that is taking this a bit far. You know; we need to find out who's doing this before it does get out of hand."
However, get out of hand it did. Throughout the day, more and more Peeps showed up. This time they were dioramas. McKay's scene was of his recent jumper crash, with Colonel Sheppard in the water yelling for help. Woolsey received one with a little chick hiding behind a couple of bunnies, presumably Sheppard and Ronon. Ronon found his first Peep, a bunny in the gym being beaten up by 'grunt' chicks.
By the end of the day, the Atlantis personnel demanded to know who was preparing and planting all the Peeps. Search groups were organized and the quest began, in earnest. Sheppard was in his quarters reading around 2300 hours when the call from McKay came.
"Sheppard, get down here; we have the culprit cornered."
"McKay, what the hell are you talking about?"
"The Peeps' bandit; we have him cornered in a room on the east pier, building E14, room 116. Now get down here."
Sheppard smiled as he left his quarters, he loved it when a plan came together. Tapping his COM, he informed Lorne to meet him there. When he arrived at the location, there were at least twenty people waiting, most of them scientists.
"Rodney, what is going on…why didn't you go on in the room and see who it is? You need me to protect you? I don't think the Peep bandit will start shooting; probably use only Peep bullets if they do."
"Very funny, Sheppard; we don't need protection, we need your gene. The door won't open."
"Oh, you only need me for my gene. I'm going back to bed." Sheppard turned to walk away but Rodney stopped him.
"Sheppard, open the door."
"Say please…" Sheppard folded his arms across his chest and waited.
McKay appeared to count to ten before he spoke, "Please, Mr. Colonel, sir…open the door."
"Well, that was pretty snarky, but OK…" Sheppard walked back to the door and passed his hand over the control. The door opened seamlessly; Sheppard turned and smiled.
"Piece of cake, Rodney," all he received in return from Rodney was a glare.
McKay pushed passed him and Sheppard heard Rodney yell out in total surprise, "You?"
Walking in behind McKay, with Zelenka, a few other scientists and Major Lorne, who had just arrived following him, Sheppard began to laugh. "Well, certainly not who anyone would have expected. The Peeps' bandit turns out to be our esteemed director, Richard Woolsey. Who would have thunk it?"
Woolsey was standing next to a workbench covered with peeps, along materials, which had shown up on the Peeps left all over Atlantis. He was holding a bunny peep, dressed in a little paper lab coat. McKay had a very smug look on his face and addressed the director.
"Caught you red-handed; what do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Woolsey?"
Woolsey was about to say something when he caught the look that John Sheppard was giving him. He stared at the colonel for a few seconds and then replied to Dr. McKay.
"You caught me red-handed, doctor. I am a closet Peep fanatic, and I decided to have a bit of fun with everyone." He never stopped staring at Sheppard as he spoke.
For the next twenty minutes, Woolsey answered questions about how he accomplished the feats. No one seemed to notice that most of the questions were being answered by Zelenka and Lorne, who would preface their answer with statements like 'you must have done…'. When everyone finally exhausted all their questions, satisfied they had caught the bandit, they headed for their quarters. Only Sheppard and Woolsey were left in the room.
"You set me up. I got a call from Lorne telling me to meet you here." Woolsey sighed as he sat down on one of the stools.
"Yep and you did great playing along. Zelenka left a Peep trail that would lead directly here and he steered Rodney to find it. I instructed Atlantis not to allow anyone except me to open the door. Thank you; I was really hoping you would catch on."
"Why would you do that, colonel?"
"Well, the Easter and Passover holidays are approaching, and we usually try to do something to have fun on the holidays. However, this is a military base full of secular and non-secular types. I thought we needed to do something, but it had to be something that wouldn't offend anyone. I overheard Zelenka, Lorne, and Corporal Rodriquez discussing Peeps a few months ago and the wheels started turning."
"You and your holidays, colonel; always worried about your people having fun." Woolsey shook his head but he was also smiling. "How did you get all these Peeps past me?"
"I ordered them. Then it was just a matter of a couple of cases of good scotch for the supply chain officer on the Daedalus. That and Corporals Rodriquez and Brenner knowing how to keep their mouths shut."
"Amazing, colonel. Who did all the work making these Peeps?"
"That would be Lorne, Zelenka, and Rodriguez; all creative and artistic and Peep's fanatics. However, I am concerned about Rodriguez. He came up with the peep throwing up in the mess hall trashcan and the squashed Peep in the transporter door and some of the others; pretty 'night of the living dead' stuff. He also did the one with Ronon getting beaten up by his fellow Marines. I think the corporal has a death wish. I would prefer Ronon not find out who did that little diorama."
"So, what's next, colonel? I doubt framing me isn't the end of your plans."
Sheppard laughed heartily. "No; not nearly the end of my plans. I ordered cases and cases of Peeps. I thought tomorrow morning you would announce a diorama contest, and a contest for the most creative, tasteful, way to use Peeps, and the War Games. I've got prizes; movies, sports stuff, CD's."
"Yes, sir; after all, we are a military base. I have directions for a tabletop war game where you get to eat the enemy, sort of the Wraith with a twist. I had to order lots of jellybeans for that game." He paused, "Woolsey, about framing you, let me explain. Most of these people here would have expected this from me, but not from you. I wanted to keep them off-kilter a bit. Besides you just became a rock star to everyone on Atlantis, especially the Peep's crowd."
Woolsey just shook his head, "Colonel; you never cease to amaze me. I'll consider letting you off the hook if you have some of that scotch left."
Sheppard grinned broadly. "We might just locate a bottle, along with a couple of glasses in my quarters." He opened the door, "after you, Peeps' Bandit."
Hope you enjoyed!
Happy Spring! Eat Peeps!