Title: How Not to Kidnap a Vice Foreign Minister
Genre: Humor, Parody
Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge: Nothing in particular for Pokémon apart from Team Rocket's usual slogan and exit, but the entire Gundam Wing anime would come in handy.
Warnings: Team Rocket meets its usual fate. The Fourth Wall gets broken - in-universe!
Pairings: Very very slight Heero Yuy x Relena Darlian-Peacecraft.
Disclaimer: Neither Gundam Wing nor Pokémon belong to me, and I do not make any profit by combining them. (But damn, if only I could... XD )
Summary: When you get kidnapped about three times a day, it tends to get boring. Repetitive, you know? But some incidents still stand out...
Author's Note: Enjoy!
How Not to Kidnap a Vice Foreign Minister; Before Breakfast
It was a day like any other. Nice weather she wouldn't be able to enjoy because she was cooped up in her office, her limo, or someone else's board room, to babysit world leaders trice her age so they wouldn't let their egos get to them and use their nation's defence forces to attack one another; an undoubtably tiresome and far too formal social function to look forward to in the evening; hordes upon hordes of bodyguards to shield her, at all times, from the masses she served, because ohnoes, there might be a dangerous dissident out there somewhere, and what tragedy it would be if one of them took mercy on her and put her out of her misery.
All Relena could think as she slumped over the dining table after five hours of sleep, her head heavy in her hands, was: My kingdom for a cup of coffee.
But no, she just had to get herself overthrown as Queen of the World, step down from her position as ruler of the Sank Kingdom, and not run for President of the ESUN in favour of staying on as its Vice Foreign Minister. And that blasted Heero Yuy kept poking his Head of Security nose into her personal business (not just her personal personal business, either) and dictate her diet to Pagan, trying to scare the lovable old man with stories about stress and high blood pressure.
Somehow, somewhere, she found the strength to dredge up her old mantra from one of the dark, sleep deprived corners of her mind. "A normal girl would probably flip over this. But what normal girl would take up a high-ranking position in the world government while she should be partying her way through university, flirting with normal boys and - and - all those other things normal young adults do and which you can't even begin to imagine? If you're throwing away your youth for the sake of world peace anyway, don't come complaining when -"
But before she could finish she was interrupted by a great crash, caused, as she noticed upon slowly raising her head from her hands, by the severing of the outer dining room wall from the rest of the building.
For a moment, Relena was treated to an interesting, novel view of her own back yard, before a hot air balloon was lowered in front of the newly formed opening. From it jumped three forms; a woman with long, sweeping fuschia hair, a tawny cat, and a man holding a rose. As the trio landed on the ruined carpet in theatrical poses, dramatic music started playing out of nowhere.
"Prepare for trouble!" the woman declared.
"And make it double!" the man added, flicking some lavender hair from his face.
The woman went on with: "To protect the world from devastation!"
Followed by the man again: "To unite all peoples within our nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"
"To extend our reach to the stars above!"
"Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!" 'Jessie' proclaimed, turning the drama up another notch and striking a new pose that showed off the red 'R' on the front of her skimpy, black-and-white uniform, and to which 'James' added in similar fasion: "Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
Then the cat leaped in front of them to finish with: "Me-owth! Dat's right!"
Relena stared at them blankly.
Smirking, Jessie turned her attention from the cameras to Relena, pointedly ignoring the loud pang! that accompanied the crack suddenly appearing in the Fourth Wall.
"I hope you're a morning person, girly, because we're here to take you away."
Her face still a dangerous blank, Relena rose from her seat slowly. "While I appreciate the high sentiment speaking from your ridiculously lenghty slogan," she said politely, "don't you know breakfast is the most important meal of the day?!" - and slammed her fists down on the dining table with enough force to make the legs give out.
The trio jumped back as one.
"Jessie, I thought you said this girl was a pacifist?!" James said in alarm, cowering behind his female accomplice.
"S - she is!" The woman, who didn't look any less frightened by Relena's outburst than him, seemed to take courage from that fact, standing up straighter and regaining her smirk. "She can bark all she wants, but her ideology doesn't allow her to bite. Fair game. Go get her, James."
While the man freaked out ("Why me? You get her if she's so harmless!"), a slow, sinister smile formed on Relena's face. The talking cat seemed to be the only sensible member of the team; his fur stood on end upon seeing the ominous change in their target, and he inched away slowly.
"And you call yourself a gentleman? How can you ask a lady to do something so vulgar?"
"You, a lady? Don't make me laugh!"
"You haven't been reading the political section of the newspaper, have you?" Relena interrupted calmly.
Maybe these three had a more finely tuned sense for impending doom than most of her would-be kidnappers; they silenced immediately and turned their gazes back to Relena ever so slowly, as if she were a bomb ready to burst.
Which wasn't very far from the truth, if you counted young women with violent early morning temperaments in the definition of 'bomb'.
Pitch-black shadows obscured all Relena's features but her mouth, which was twisted into a wide, diabolical grin as she spoke. "I no longer advocate total pacifism. A... certain amount of force is acceptable for the sake of self-defence."
Before the trio could even blanch properly, Relena had gotten her hands on the tabletop and swung it at them. It knocked them off their feet, sent them crashing into their balloon, and the balloon flew back from the force of impact. Just as common sense demanded that it should start slowing down soon, the cat-shaped contraption exploded, and a faint "Team Rocket blasting off agaaaaaaaain!" could be heard as the trio's silouettes became nothing but a glimmer of light against the blue.
"Ha!" Relena shouted after them, now bouncing with adrenaline and shaking a triumphant fist at the skies. "Just because my show has natural hair colours doesn't mean we're bound to any sense of realism!"
The gardeners who had rushed to the site to inspect the damage done to the dining area were suddenly buried beneath the wreckage of the Fourth Wall.
Heero chose that moment to show his bodyguardly face, blowing the dining room door clean off its hinges as he crashed into the room, balancing a laden tray in each hand.
"Relena, are you alrigh - eet!" he said, bending in a rather unnatural way to keep a pitcher of orange juice from toppling off the tray. "I came as soon as I heard the noise, but these things kept almost fal - oh shit -"
Grabbing the edge of the dangerously tilted tray, Relena beamed at him. "I'm fine!"
"What the heck is wrong with me today?" Heero muttered to himself as he watched Relena waltz through the room, performing a pirouette with the tray balanced on one finger before setting it down on a chair.
"Oh Heero, now I understand what it is that gives people the urge to fight! I've never felt better in my life!"
PSAN: Stay tuned for the next chapter! More villains are bound to pop up after lunch. ^_~