This Idea Is Original
A short rant on Harry Potter fictions.
Once upon a time there was a cliché Harry Potter with messy raven-colored hair, a lightning shaped scar on his forehead, and dazzling emerald eyes. He lived in a cliché little house on cliché Privet Drive which was a cliché number four. There, cliché Harry Potter brooded, threw up, cut himself with a rusty blade, cried in his pillow, was raped repeatedly by his cliché Uncle Vernon and cliché cousin Dudley, wrote emotional rock ballads, got a tattoo, starved to death a couple of times, ignored letters from all of his friends, got no sleep, wore leather, sniffed crack and shot heroin, became pregnant, accidentally killed his owl, grew wings and several other magical affinities, and screamed.
Why? Because all of those things are hyperboles of what normal Harry would do. They're angsty and overly emotional and that's just what cliché Harry does when his only parental figure in his life, who was creepily close to him and perhaps not as parentish as we all may think, dies. And all because of cliché Harry. And now his friends wouldn't stop pestering him about it!
I mean, why should he listen to his friends who care about him? They're idiots because they don't understand what cliché Harry is going through! Their letters mean nothing. "I love you and only want to see you get better because we've been best friends for years!" Psh! Lies!
Screw Ron and Hermione! Cliché Ron is a selfish, ginger pig who only ever thinks about himself and getting money and food, even though he blindly and loyally followed cliché Harry into the Department of Mysteries because he's truly caring and brave at heart. What an idiot!
And cliché Hermione! Her hair is so huge, and she's such an obnoxious know-it-all! She definitely never stuck by cliché Harry's side and helped him through the bad times when she could have easily turned away. No! She is power hungry.
Snape was right! For, cliché Harry realized at the end of the year that he was a great mentor even though he mentally abused cliché Harry for years.
Surprise! And cliché Harry was surprised to realize that cliché Snape was really a caring man who loved cliché Harry. Not only that, but he was his father because cliché Lily Potter cheated on her really attractive, outgoing husband cliché James Potter.
And now, because of this, the only people cliché Harry can trust are cliché Snape, cliché Draco Malfoy, and cliché Ginny Weasley. Cliché Ginny because she's been sleeping in his bed all summer because they have to stay in contact after cliché Harry got his mental soul bond with her after the Department of Mysteries; cliché Draco because they're Veela soul mates and also share the same bed and call each other by their first names even though they never developed a relationship anywhere in the storyline; and cliché Snape because he's his father.
On top of all this, cliché Dumbledore becomes hated because he secretly wants to destroy cliché Harry's life. Cliché Harry calls him a manipulative old fool.
In the end, cliché Harry kills cliché Voldemort through the use of seventy-one different magical creature Animagus forms, the ability to turn invisible, a random power gain from creature inheritance on his seventeenth birthday, and the love of cliché Ginny, cliché Draco, and cliché Snape. He also kills the manipulative old fool for fun by pushing him off a cliff. Cliché Ron and cliché Hermione go to Azkaban because cliché Harry rules the world with cliché Ginny, cliché Draco, cliché Snape, and a hundred other obscure characters only mentioned once in the entire series.
And they lived happily ever after.
The effing End.
A/N: I just saved you 678.3 hours of fanfiction torture.