puckin' for love, a study of studliness
(Morgan Freeman's voiceover)
In today's society, one must wonder: what is a real man?
Well today, VH1 takes you into the life of a real, studly, manly man. A guy's guy who's loved by women everywhere. And the best part? He isn't Brad Pitt or LeBron James.
No, Noah Puckerman is just a normal guy blessed with good looks, rippling muscles, extraordinary athleticism and a pretty voice for singing sweet nothings to ladies of all ages in Lima, OH.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy the awesomeness that is Noah Puckerman if you're a lady, and experience the envy of wanting to be him if you're a less fortunate dude. Which, let's face it, is everyone.
"So I was thinking something like that for the introduction."
Noah grins, and the producers groan.
"The Morgan Freeman part's important cuz chick's'll think I'm serious and shit."
"It's like that song, y'know with Luda and that other black dude? About how awesome they are and chicks just want to bone them but they don't really care? Yeah. That's my life."
(Noah Puckerman places his hands behind his hands and smirks at the camera man before resting the chair on the back two legs. The chair slips and Noah falls to the ground. He recovers and stands with his hands in his pocket and his chin jutted out. He smirks again.)
"See? Even my chair's legs go all wobbly when it touches my ass."
Ms. Rachel Berry is perched on the edge of her couch, ankles crossed and hands folded in her lap. She is wearing a headband, a sweater, and an unusually small skirt with ankle socks. She adjusts the mug on the coffee table and erases the non-existent ring on the table before looking up and smiling at the camera with wide unblinking eyes and her head tilted to the right.
(camera pans to Quinn Fabray)
Quinn Fabray is lounging poolside in a bright red two piece sipping on a margarita with her large sunglasses perched on her nose. She pulls the glasses down and peers out over the top, a devilish smirk curling on her lips.
(camera cuts to Santana Lopez)
Santana Lopez is at her office on the top floor of the building, overlooking all of Manhattan. She's dressed in a tight black power suit with a shorter skirt than one would expect, hair pulled back into a ponytail, Bluetooth in her ear and BlackBerry in her palm. There's a painting of rainbows on her desk. She glares at the camera, which has just interrupted the call with her girlfriend.
(camera cuts to Coach Sue Sylvester)
Sue Sylvester is dressed in a purple tracksuit and tennis shoes. Most notably, she is on an elliptical. She has an earphone in one ear, and a small teenager cowering in front of her. She yells at the cheerleader before growling at the camera.
(camera cuts to Sarah Puckerman)
Sarah Puckerman is texting on her phone and twirling her hair, also chewing on bubblegum. Her legs are crossed at the ankle as she lays on her bed.
"So, how did your relationship with Noah Puckerman begin?"
RB: "Well, that's a really difficult question for me to answer. Do you mean the first time? Because that was really just a scheme to make Finn and Quinn jealous. But we most recently got back together for the 25th time. It was really romantic, which is a side of him I'd like to think he only developed after starting to see me. He serenaded me and gave me chocolate and flowers which I know he hates because it makes him look like a word I don't think I should say on camera but a good synonym is coward."
"So are you two still together?"
"Oh no. He accused my costar of hitting on me and punched in the face during intermission so I will no longer see that jealous, overprotective, selfish, ass Noah Puckerman."
Rachel smiles as if nothing's wrong, sips on her tea, and does the weird smile thing at the camera again.
"Can I interest you in some coffee perhaps? I also have seven different types of tea because it's very soothing on vocal chords and since my voice is my most important instrument it's necessary for me to take the best possible care of it."
"Um, no thanks."
QF: "We never really had a relationship. The son of a bitch just got me pregnant once in high school. It was definitely a low point. But the sex was good. Surprisingly- (she frowns) it was weird cuz Sant was always talking about how bad at sex he was but I had no problem. I mean, you don't make a baby on the first try."
"I wouldn't know from experience."
"Anyways, it was all drama drama drama blah blah blah and he wanting me because I was carrying his seed or some dramatic bullshit that he told me even though I was in love with Finn and we were perfect. We being Finn and me because Puck is so far from anything perfect."
"So, you've never actually dated Noah Puckerman?"
"Is that a problem?"
(Quinn glares at the producer and he clears his throat before shuffling some papers around in his lap and refusing to make eye contact)
SL: "We fucked. Until I got sick of his tiny dick and moved on to more fulfilling positions and partners."
"Would you care to explain…?"
"You're a fucking pervert, Christ. Chicks. I started fucking chicks."
"Bet my girlfriend's hotter than yours."
"Excuse me? I don't think this is relevant to the subject…"
"She's blonde and really flexible."
"I don't think this is appropriate…"
"Fuck if I care."
SS: "Well the boy Jew seduced me would you believe it? I believe it. Everyday when I look in the mirror in the morning I say, "Sue. You are unbelievably regal and have cheekbones rivaling Jesus. That means you're more important than Jesus." And you know what? In many ways, I think I am. Who cares about walking on water? I make Cheerios walk on each other."
"I think maybe we should get back on topic? Mr. Puckerman?"
"How dare you interrupt me? With your ill-tailored suit that makes you look like a used car salesman. Guess what buddy? I only buy my cars brand new, and will not trust your flattery and bribery."
"I honestly don't know what you're talking about Coach Sylvester."
"I saw the looks you were giving me earlier. Drink it in. Drink it all in. Just know that if you so much as come near me with your grubby, dirty hands I will slap a sexual harassment suit on you so fast that your head will be spinning with sexual fantasies of me for the next ten years in prison."
(At this point, the producer vomits in the nearest garbage can.)
"Clean that up!"
SP: "Umm…forever? Duh. He's my big brother. You guys are idiots."
"I, uh, don't think you're the type of relationship we were really looking for."
"Noah said I could be on TV."
"I really think it was a bad idea to give the kid any input in this."
"Are you saying I'm a bad idea? I'm really good TV. I can be the bitch or the good girl. I learned from Quinn and Rachel."
(At this point, the producer hits his head against his clipboard. Repeatedly.)
"Are you retarded or something?"
(All we hear is a muffled groan from the clipboard.)
"Was Noah Puckerman a good boyfriend to you?"
RB: "The thing about Noah, did you know his nickname used to be Puck? Well the thing about Noah is that he was quite the ladies man in high school, and personally I hate that he still gets so many looks from all kinds of women, even though the symmetry in his face and strange yet beautiful green hazel tinged color in his eyes make him more attractive even to men because Kurt had a fondness for him after Finn. What do you think?"
(Rachel cocks her head, the producer clears his throat awkwardly.)
"I mean- I guess he's kind of attractive-"
"See that's exactly what I mean! But despite his ability to attract women of all ages, and I mean all ages because Noah went through an older woman phase, which was totally his peroragotive of course, he was quite attentive when he wooed me. In fact, I was the first girl he ever wooed. But like any couple we have our fights, and since Oprah said communication is the key to a solid foundation in a healthy relatonship, we make to communicate a lot. Usually, we fight because I can be grating sometimes due to my overachieving ambition and overwhelming amount of talent and Noah as he likes to say "doesn't take no shit from anyone" which is a really gross phrase if you think about it."
"Can't say I ever have."
"Yes well, Noah is very satisfactory in bed and just as fulfilling emotionally. Maybe I should call him? And say that in medieval times his act of blind, stupid jealousy today would be construed as an act of chivalry worthy of my hand in marriage. I mean, he is very charming. (At this point during editing, Puck scoffed upon viewing the interview and said "Hell yes. I can charm the pants off that crazy bitch.") And I do love him. (Mr. Puckerman just smiled really big when he viewed this comment. When questioned, he just shrugged and said, "It's hard to live without the crazy once it's been around for awhile.") What would you do?"
(The producer had no comment.)
QF: "Listen, as much as I complain about the guy, he was nice about the baby. Offered to take care of me and our daughter. It's just, he cleaned pools! In Ohio! And only so that he could have sex with the moms of our classmates. I mean, hello not the top candidate for Father of the Year. I mean you probably know what I'm talking about, you look like you were a football player in high school."
(The producer blushes a deep red and mumbles something incoherent. Quinn bats her eyelashes and grins.)
"But as I was saying, he's a good guy. Wasn't too great for the reputation, but had more than compensated in other ways."
SL: "Jesus Christ were you listening? God, you're a fucking moron. We just fucked. But he was good at the kinky stuff. Against a wall, in the shower, church confessional. And there were a lot of good threesomes after Brit and I got together. "
(The producer chokes on his water.)
SS: "Look at me. Yes, you're probably jealous because I'm so obviously a winner. There's a reason I wear purple now. It's the color of royalty. And that, my tiny unsuccessful friend, is exactly what I am in these halls."
"What are we talking about right now?"
"It's ok to feel inferior. Everyone does. Little Miss Turquoise Eyeliner down here who's making sure I take exactly 55 strides per minute because I don't trust machines? She feels inferior to me all. The. Time. By the way, Molly Ringwald called and she wants her Wet n'Wild back. She says it looks horrible on you."
(The girl, who's name is Eileen, runs out sobbing. Sue smiles.)
"You people are weird."
"Those are just your insecurities manifesting into harassment for a strong, powerful woman. You'll be hearing from my lawyers."
SP: "Ew. This is illegal on like, ten different levels. You're disturbed. Ask me if I'm Team Edward or Jacob. Maybe they'll see it and I'll get to go on a date with one of them. That is if my suck ass older brother doesn't THREATEN TO ROAST THEIR WEINERS OVER A FIRE WHILE CAMPING AND PUTTING THEM IN TOASTED BUNS AND FEEDING TEHM TO WILD BEARS WHILE RACHEL SINGS KUMBAYA."
"Well that seems like an overreaction?"
"I know right? I didn't even let Murphy feel me up or anything."
(in the background, Noah can be heard screaming, "MURPHY'S A DUMBASS NAME. I'M GONNA KILL HIM.")
"GO THE FUCK AWAY NOAH!"
(Sarah returns to texting and chewing her gum without looking back up at the camera.)
"Would you ever want to date Noah again?"
RB: "Oh definitely. I think that our fights are just a sign of our neverending passion for each other. Like Allie and Noah from the Notebook! Ohmygoodness I have to write this down in my book of metaphors."
(Rachel proceeds to scribble down 'Allie and Noah' in a completely full notebook listed with other celebrity couples. The viewer can see 'Rose and Jack', 'Bella and Edward', and 'Chuck and Blair')
QF: "Eh. Why not? I mean, unless there was someone better came along of course."
(The producer knocks over a glass of water trying to write his number down as fast as possible.)
SL: "Fuck no. Brit's too much work already."
"Wait, don't put that in the video. She'll take it the wrong way and I'll have to promise to take her to the end of the rainbow to find puppies or some bullshit."
(Santana smiles fondly at the picture on her desk. When she sees the camera focusing in, she scowls.)
SS: "You know what? This finely tuned machine can handle a young man as well as the weak-boned, small fry, bleached children running around these days. I'm exceptionally limber."
(The producer gags again.)
SP: "Do you guys not understand? He. Is. My. Brother. You're disgusting! This is Ohio, not Mean Girls! I don't even have cute cousins to kiss. And if I did I bet Noah would dismember them or something. Or like this one time? My friend Kevin came over to the house to study for Pre-Algebra quiz because he's like, a total dork, but a cute one, and Noah stood in the kitchen with a butcher knife and his crazy eyes all night when we tried doing homework. I don't know why anyone would ever want to date him. Oh, GROSS!"
"Sup bitches? Now that you've spent the best hour of your life checking out how awesome mine is, wanted to let you know how to get in touch with the hottest Jew around. Check me out on MySpace and if you're lucky you'll catch me on ChatRoulette convincing babes to show tits for Haiti. Puck out."
"I don't think he's allowed to say tits on camera."
"Deal with it."
After the episode was released, Rachel and Noah got back together, only to break up again when she heard his parting remarks. Ten minutes later they were walking in on making out furiously in the bathroom. They're back together again.
Quinn Fabray is now dating the producer.
Sue Sylvester was indicted in a verbal harassment case involving thirty plus students and former colleagues. She was last on Letterman, vowing to the United States Government that Chavez and Jong-il owed her a couple favors and worst case scenarios, she would have to try to create world champions out of minorites.
Santana Lopez was promoted from VP to CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Her office is decorated in puppy, kitten, and heart posters. She refused to comment on the decorations, but Rachel tells us that Santana and Brittany just had a commitment ceremony.
Sarah Puckerman still finds her brother gross, overprotective, and disgusting. But, she would like to let him know that she has been on several dates with a really cute boy a year older than her behind his back, so he can suck it.
AN: Crack!fic much? Holy shit. I have no idea where this came from, but please review? Also, my Sarah was completely influenced by the new texts from last night chapter from dress without sleeves. Look it up if you haven't read it! God I love Mark Salling.