This is a crack fic. Take it seriously, and I will laugh at you. Like this. Ha. :P
Disclaimer: No matter what the voices say, we do not own Artemis Fowl…wait…we? O.o
It was a pleasant, tranquil day. The earth was making its annual journey around the sun, the birds were exercising their vocal cords by testing the patience of everyone in the vicinity, and Artemis Fowl was—
—in the process of opening his mail and discovering that he was now without a job.
The young genius, renowned in his world for countless heroic and villainous deeds, and famous in ours for being such an adorable criminal mastermind, could only stare stunned at the paper in his hands that had just informed him of his new unfortunate status. He was still frozen in a state of disbelieving shock when Butler burst into the room, kicking the door open with a resounding bam, mere seconds later, armed and ready for battle.
"Artemis?" he questioned, scanning the room, ready to fire at the first sign of danger "What is it? What's happened?"
Artemis's only response was to mutely gape at the paper in his hands. Butler's attention focused on the offending piece of condensed and bleached woodchips.
"Artemis?" He asked again, lowering his gun but still wary.
His young charge finally looked up. "Butler," he said, the stunned look not once leaving his face. "I-I've been fired."
Butler blinked. "Er, forgive if I'm wrong," he said, bemused. "But when were you ever employed? Legally, I mean."
"Don't be thick, old friend" Artemis replied, slowly regaining his composure and studying the letter with now-narrowed eyes. "According to this, I have been fired as the main character of this series."
Butler's look of confusion only grew with this explanation. "Can they do that?" he asked, crossing the room to stand next to the young genius.
"According to this, they can and they have," the former criminal mastermind said, scanning the letter again, searching for any visible hints of forgery. There were none.
"What does it say exactly?" Butler asked, sheathing his gun now that there was no sign of danger.
Artemis read the letter out loud, pronouncing each word slowly and carefully, indicating that he was mentally comparing it with every other letter he had ever received from the Editors and Author, searching for the smallest hint of a variation in the word pattern. Judging by how the irritation on his face grew as the letter progressed, there was none.
"Dear Mr. Artemis Fowl II," the letter began in overly elegant dark blue shiny font. "It is with utmost regret that we inform you that your services are no longer needed by our Publisher. We hope you do not take this to heart, but we simply require a new main character, one who is more, for lack of a better word, cooperative. We thank you for working with us all these years and wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors, legal and otherwise. Sincerely, The Editors and Author of Artemis Fowl."
Silence reigned over the room once Artemis completed his reading of the distress-bringing letter.
"Well, this is certainly going to be hard to explain to the fangirls," Butler said, finally.
Artemis looked up from his study of the letter in surprise. "Fangirls?" he echoed, in a disbelieving voice.
"Yes," Butler affirmed, his lip twitching slightly in what suspiciously looked like a smile. "The ones who broke the barriers between our world and theirs in order to daily proclaim their love for you. The ones who would be camping out in front of the Manor right now if we hadn't gotten that restraining order."
Artemis merely stared at him incredulously, too staggered to reply. In his defense, anyone would be out of sorts after learning that they had been fired from being the main character of their own series.
"And the fanboys will be troublesome as well," Butler continued, tapping his chin thoughtfully and ignoring the genius's incredibility. "Not as much as the fangirls of course, but they will not take the sacking of their idol quietly."
"Butler," Artemis finally managed to choke out. "I have been fired and you are worrying about fangirls?"
"And fanboys," the bodyguard added helpfully.
"I apologize," Butler said in a completely unapologetic tone of voice. "But you've met the fangirls who have been crossed before haven't you? It's not a pretty sight. Fanboys are only marginally better. I don't envy the Editors once word gets out."
Artemis was silent for a moment as he let the truthfulness of that fact sink in. "You're right," he finally admitted, sighing. "Hell knowth no fury like a fangirl scorned."
Butler nodded sagely, suppressing a shudder as unwelcome memories of all the times he had protected his principle from rabid fangirls flooded his mind. The best of those encounters could only be described as disturbing.
"Back to the matter at hand," Artemis said, abruptly changing the topic. He too had no wish to dwell on the memories of encounters with fangirls. Really, he was flattered and all, but did they have to mob him, screaming proposals of undying love? It was…frightening, and that was saying something as very few things frightened Artemis Fowl.
"What do we do about this," he continued, indicating the letter. "They cannot fire me. I am much too loved. And, besides, who in all the worlds, fiction and non, would they replace me with?"
"Harry Potter," was the immediate and treacherous reply.
"What?" Artemis said, only just managing to prevent his volume level from rising too high. "Him? But he has his own series!"
"Actually, it ended a while back," Butler replied pensively. "He's out of a job. And, er, he does have a larger community of fans than you."
Artemis waved a hand dismissively. "He can have them, as if I care about such trivial matters. What I wish to know is why him?"
"Well," Butler replied, swallowing back a laugh. "Give him contacts, some makeup, a haircut, and he could be your twin. Furthermore, some fans think that he's much…hotter than you are."
"Never say that again." The young genius ordered, his face paler than usual.
"I don't plan on it." Butler looked nauseous as well. He couldn't believe that he had actually said that either. He really needed to stop sending so much time in the company of fangirls, they were apparently contagious. "But, he could be a perfect twin of yours, there's no arguing that."
"But he is clearly not as intelligent as I," Artemis glared. Fortunately for Butler, the glare was directed at the paper that had begun the whole mess, not the poor bodyguard. "It took him seven books to kill off the villain whereas I have defeated one in every book written so far."
"Well," Butler began, choosing to not mention that Opal was one of the main villains in the series, and she was still very much at large. He also quite wisely temporarily forgot that in the first book, Artemis himself had been the villain. Can one defeat them self? He wasn't sure. "It doesn't really matter as long as he can follow the script."
"I follow the script," Artemis replied, crossing his arms. "I have no idea what they mean by searching for a 'more cooperative' main character."
"Really?" Butler asked, raising an eyebrow. If Butler didn't know any better, he would have said that the boy was sulking. But Artemis Fowl did not sulk; it simply was not in his character to do so. Then again, he had been fired, so the boy was free to act as he wished…for the sake of whatever sanity he had left, he decided to stop thinking about it. "What about that lollipop scene?"
The boy's pale cheeks turned a faint shade of pink. "That was an accident." He protested, indignantly. "I did not mean to reveal that I possess a dislike of lollipops."
"Nonetheless," Butler replied with a slight smirk. "You said it, and it was not part of the script. You're just lucky the fans loved it, it's one of the most renowned quotes in the fandom."
"My point exactly," the former star of our beloved series said quickly. "I have only boosted the book's reputation. Why would they wish to be rid of me now?"
"Well, have you done anything to annoy them recently?" Butler asked, knowing full well what the answer would be.
"Fine." Artemis sighed, feeling far too much like a child being scolded by a parent for his liking. "I might have…hacked into their bank accounts…and transferred some of the money…just a few thousand pounds…but they should not have realized it was me, they never have before."
"But apparently, they have now." Butler replied, unable to keep the grin off his face this time. "And they are not pleased."
The former protagonist's scowl became more pronounced. "How childish," he muttered, under his breath. "Getting so upset over a few pounds."
"Hardly a few." Butler stated.
Artemis frowned at him suspiciously. "You're taking the news that I've been fired rather calmly."
"Did they say I was fired as well?"
"As long I haven't been laid off, I'm fine with whatever changes the Editors choose to make with the series." The bodyguard said. "Besides, they've already tried to be rid of me in the third book. Once your creators have plotted your demise, it's rather difficult to feel much sympathy for others."
Before Artemis had a chance to answer that, the poor, bruised door flew open for the second time that day and Juliet walked in.
"Hey Artemis, sorry to hear that you were fired." She greeted him.
Artemis turned his attention on her, eyes narrowed with suspicion. "How did you learn of that? I only just discovered the news myself. "
"I'm not the one who bugged them into sacking you, if that's what you're hinting at." Juliet rolled her eyes. "You annoy them enough on your own. It was only a matter of time before you went too far."
"I did not goad the Editors into firing me," Artemis replied indignantly. Really, he hadn't. It was not his fault the Editors were tightwad cheapskates.
Butler cut in before the argument could escalate. "How did you find out, Juliet?"
"I wrote to them a while back asking that I not become the twin's nanny." His little sister shrugged, leaning against the wall. "They replied just ten minutes ago, saying that they were making enough changes to the series already and so had to deny my request. Then they told me Arty was fired."
She grinned widely. "Did they tell you who they're planning on replacing you with?"
"I do not particularly care."
"Myles and Beckett." Juliet continued on as though she had not heard.
"They are only four." Artemis objected. "They have barely begun to develop personalities."
"And that's why they invented times skips." Juliet said with the tone of one explaining why the sky cannot taste like blueberries to a child. "Just three simple words, and bam, the twins are moody Fowl teenagers. You really gotta envy the power Authors and Editors have."
"At least it's better than being replaced with Potter," Butler offered in an attempt to be consoling.
"Yes, being betrayed by family is much better." The Irish teenager muttered peevishly.
"Was he always this sarcastic?" Juliet asked Butler. "And moody?"
"Actually, yes" the bodyguard admitted. "But it's more noticeable now that he no longer has the character of Artemis Fowl to back him up."
"I am perfectly capable of hearing you speak," Artemis pointed out. "And I am not moody."
"You're just as temperamental as your fangirls." A new voice stated from the door. They turned to see Holly standing in the doorway, a letter of similar shape to the one Artemis had received in her hands. "Heard you got fired, Artemis. Sorry to about that."
"Does everyone know?" Artemis asked, more than just mildly annoyance.
"The fans don't." Holly replied, coming into the room. "I passed a few fangirls on the way here, and none were moaning about it being the end of the world, like they did the time Minerva came for a visit."
"They did make a lot of noise that day." Juliet reflected. "And Little Miss French never came back for another visit after that."
"Did you need something Holly?" Butler asked, wondering how the fairy had managed to get inside without setting off any alarms. Maybe it wasn't paranoid to be prepared for a fairy invasion after all.
"Got a letter from the Editors." Holly said, waving the letter in the air. "Told me that Artemis was fired and that I should come here and ask him something."
"Ask what?" Juliet piped up curiously.
"If they want you to question me about the pounds," Artemis interrupted. "Don't bother. I was not responsible."
"Never mind then."
Holly eyed him warily "You're right." She decided. "I don't want to know."
"What did you have to ask Artemis?" Butler said, trying to get the conversation back on track.
"Oh, right. I'm supposed to ask," Holly said slowly, the beginnings of a smirk forming on her lips. "'Did you bother to look on the back of that letter?'"
He frowned at her and turned the letter around. Marginally widened eyes flew to the calendar pinned to his wall, or more accurately, to the date.
"Whoever thought of this," Artemis muttered, forgetting his dislike of grinding teeth and engaging in the act. The gag letter crumbled in his tightening grip. "Will regret the day they crossed Artemis Fowl the Second."
"Cliché." The other occupants of the room informed him, no longer bothering to hide their amusement.
They had all been aware of what was written on the back of Artemis's letter. Butler had seen it when he first came in, Juliet had noticed the date and made quick conclusions, and Holly had been informed of it in her letter. None of them though had thought to put the poor genius out of his misery and just tell him immediately.
"Perhaps it is." Artemis admitted. "But that does not mean I will not ensure that they pay."
"Learn to take a joke, Arty." Juliet advised. "Life'll be much easier once you do."
Artemis was too busy planning the demise of the Editors, the Author, and anyone else who could possibly be involved to take heed of her words of wisdom.
"They're trying to turn me into a cradle robber." Holly said in horror, staring at the offending piece of paper. "Look at this, they want to set me up with Artemis's little brother!
"Which one?" Mulch asked, curious.
"Does it matter?" Holly asked.
"You know if you end up with Artemis, you'll be a cradle-robber anyway." Foaly pointed out.
"Well, you have a point." Holly admitted. "But at least I didn't know Artemis when he was being potty-trained."
"I have to shave?!"
"They're making me the main character? About time!"
"They're bringing me back from the dead? As a zombie? …these Editors are more temperamental than that centaur."
Happy April Fool's Day! Hope you all are the prankers and not the prankees! :D