OK so I've decided that I need an April Fools Day fic! So I also needed to pick characters who would hate the idea of this holiday. Sasuke was the first one to pop into mind. But through current conversations I've had with Alrye…I need to find a way to kill someone with a chicken finger, without choking on it. Regular PV-----
Sasuke had hauled up in his house. He'd locked all the doors, windows, and the refrigerator, for some reason. He shut all the curtains and turned off all of the lights. He sat on his couch determined. He wasn't going to come out today. Not even if Naruto was doing naked cartwheels in the middle of the road. Was there a vicious murder running loose? No, Sasuke could handle that. Were his fan girls drugging him and trying to marry while he was passed out? Not since last year when he had woken up in a random motel…
No. Today was quite possibly the worse day in history. Today was…APRIL FOOLS DAY. The Uchiha cringed thinking of all the possible pranks that could be played on him. Not like most of them weren't obvious. Its just that people tried them anyway. And once in a great while…he would actually fall for one. That person was lucky, to say the least.
So in fear of being pranked. Sasuke had locked every exit and entrance to his house. Well, all except one…( Get it?)
' This year nothing with go awry!' Sasuke thought walking into his kitchen. His stomach grumbled and he tried to open the refrigerator. He was greeted with a padlock swinging in his face. 'Easily fixed. I just need the key.'
Sasuke dug around in his left pocket and came up with nothing. He dug around in his right. It yielded the same results. He ran to where he kept his shoes and dumped them both out. Nothing. Next was under the mat. A bit of shiny spare change but no shiny missing key. He ran up the stairs to his room and turned it upside down. WHERE HAD HE HIDDEN THAT KEY?! Sasuke took a deep breath and sat down on his tossed bed.
" Ok I have to approach this rationally, otherwise I could spend the entire day searching for the damn key…where was the last place I had it?" Sasuke muttered to himself. Then he snapped and ran out of the room. " It must be in the bathroom!"
He switched on the light to his bathroom and searched. It wasn't on the ground next to the toilet. Nor was it on the counter. So he checked the tub, which also yielded nothing but disappointment. The Uchiha was a mere seconds away from slamming his head against the wall in frustration.
" I can't loose my cool. I'm Uchiha Sasuke for god's sake! I should just order take-out and pick the lock when I've eaten my fill. Yeah, such a good plan." Sasuke said walking out of his bathroom and to the kitchen again. He glared at the fridge before picking up the phone. He noticed that the only take-out menu he had was from Ichiraku, probably left by Naruto. So he sighed and called the ramen shop.
" Ichiraku's Ramen, how may I help you?" Teuchi said grabbing a pad of paper from the counter.
" I would like one order of pork ramen please." Sasuke said politely. He had manners, after all. The owner told him his total and asked for the address. " The Uchiha manor."
" Alright we've have your delivery there in no time!" Teuchi said hanging up the phone. Naruto was sitting at the counter drinking down the broth of yet another bowl of ramen. The owner looked at him and smiled. " Hey Naruto, would you like to make a quick buck?"
" Can we change that buck into a bowl of ramen?" The blonde asked slyly.
" I think we can work something out."
Naruto walked down the all too familiar path to Sasuke's house. Why the Uchiha had ordered ramen instead of making something himself was beyond him. But whatever he was only supposed to play delivery boy and get back to get him free bowl of ramen. Naruto grinned happily, but then grinned even wider realizing it was the best day of the year… April Fools Day. Naruto reached into his kunai pouch and pulled out the one thing Jiraiya gave him that was of any use. Everyone's favorite hallucinogenic drug, acid. He opened Sasuke's ramen and poured the drug in. He swirled it up a little before doing something to change his appearance.
Once he looked like Teuchi he walked up to Sasuke's door and knocked. The Uchiha opened it quickly and handed him the money as well as a good tip. Naruto bowed before walking away from the door. When he heard it close again he jumped into a nearby tree and let the amusement take place.
Sasuke gulped down his ramen quickly. He hadn't realized he had been so hungry. He even drank all the broth. The Uchiha licked his lips and noted that they tasted strange. But he just blamed it on the aftertaste some foods have. He relaxed a bit more on his couch and started to watch some random soap opera that came on. He wasn't really watching it, but wanting some back round noise.
ABOUT AN HOUR LATER…
Sasuke was tweaker status. All the colors of light had flavors when he breathed them in. The ceiling was getting lower as the floor deepened. He sat on his couch, knees huddled to his chest. His eyes were fully open as well as his mouth, drool gathered in the corner. Naruto just sat out in his tree and laughed. Sasuke perked up then. He heard this mysterious laughing and looked around. There was no one else in the house but him…or so he had thought.
" Hello?" He called out. Naruto saw this and decided it was time to break into Sasuke's house. He walked up to the window and gently busted it open. He knew Sasuke would forgive him eventually.
The Uchiha jumped out of his skin and tried to run over to the window. His vision tunneled itself and made the room narrow, impossible to run through. But he tried anyway. Sasuke, loosing his footing, tripped on the coffee table and smashed his head against it. Naruto screamed and ran over to his injured friend. He was unconscious but wasn't bleeding or anything.
" Great now I have to make sure he doesn't die in his sleep." Naruto muttered to himself as he pulled Sasuke into his lap. " Unless…I could bring him to Hitoko-Sama. She would know what to do."
Naruto pulled Sasuke up into his arms and kicked in his front door. Hitoko-Sama was close but not close enough. The blonde noticed that Sasuke was drooling and tilted his head. He knew Sasuke would never forgive him if he let him choke on his own spit.
TO SASUKE'S DREAM THING…Sasuke's PV
There was water everywhere. All it did was fill my throat and force its way into my lungs. My only thoughts were of how I was going to die. I wondered if anyone would find me, drown in some unknown lake or area. All of a sudden, the water tipped and I was poured into some room. I coughed and looked around. I didn't recognize anything. So I kept moving forward.
In my journey forward I hit my head on a low ceiling. I had to dunk under it to get into the next room. Once there I saw a door with a riddle written on it. Simple enough.
" This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. "
"Anyone found listening in, will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching is bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What Am I?" I recited. My mind started to wonder. I started to lick my teeth and noticed that I needed to brush them. The answer hit me like a ton of bricks.
" Toothbrush." I smirked as my answer made the riddle fade from the door. It opened up. I stuck my head in first and noticed that it was just a long dark hallway. So like I've told myself many times to do. I just keep going forward.
I should have turned back when I had the chance. This tunnel was leading to no where but more tunnel. There wasn't even a light. At least then I would have known I was dead. But I just kept walking. I took another step and felt the stone sink under my foot. A wall opened up next to me. The light that was coming from it was blinding. But it was my best chance to get out of here. Before I could step through the door, I was grabbed by a hand. It pulled me forward and onto the ground. I looked up to see Sai.
" Sasuke-kun what do you think your doing?" He asked looking down at me. His outfit was way different from what it usually was. He was dressed in some fancy yellow suit, that was decked out in pink and purple rhinestones. He was wearing a mask with eye holes cut out of it and a large furry hat that mimicked the colors of fire. I was confused to say the least. He pulled me off the ground.
" Come on Sasuke-kun, you need to finish your mission! Remember to hit it in the soft spot! " He said speeding off into the distance.
" The soft spot?" I looked down at my hand and saw I was clenching a frozen chicken finger. The ground started to rumble and I looked off into the distance. A gigantic pink thing was in the distance. Was that…Sakura? Her foot slammed down right in front of me and she looked down, smiling.
" Sasuke-kun, me love Sasuke-kun…" She said reaching down to grab me. My eyes widened. I focused the chakra to my feet and climbed up her arm. She growled as I jumped onto her head. I drove my chicken finger down into her skull. It split the bone and she screamed loudly before throwing me to the ground. I rolled into a nearby bush and watched as Sakura screamed in pain. She fell to her knees and exploded.
A fish flopped in her place and it flopped all the way into a near by lake. Sai ran full speed out of the forest. He did a double handed back flip before spinning into some kind of spinal twist and landing on his feet in front of me. I blinked a few times as he smiled brightly at me.
" Great job and now you get your reward!" Sai said before whistling loudly. I had to cover my ears to keep them from ringing. But when I looked back I saw him. And he was beautiful. Dressed scantily in only see through cloth of orange and black. I couldn't help myself. I ran full speed for him, only to have Sai grab the back of my shirt.
" Be gentle with such a tender soul Sasuke-kun. For his very existence may just rupture the very fabric of existence and the fate of the world will be on your head….HAVE FUN." Sai said before disappearing in a cloud of green smoke. He was going for all the colors of the rainbow today.
" Come to me, my love." I said in a husky voice. A playful glint was in his eye and he giggled at me before taking tentative steps. I met him half way and took him into my arms. He wasted no time in crashing our lips together.
A BREAK AWAY TO THE REAL WORLD
Naruto had made it to Hitoko's house. But the journey was met with some difficultly. Sakura and Sai saw Sasuke in his current condition. They bitched him out completely before the pink haired slu-girl, punched the blonde in the face. All the commotion caused him to drop Sasuke into some bushes. After that encounter he passed by a fish market. The fisher men were tossing their catch to one another to be sold. But as Naruto passed one of them threw a fish right onto Sasuke.
He was thankful when he reached Hitoko's place. He knocked urgently on the door. She opened the door in nothing but a robe. Her wrists looked chaffed, like she'd been tied up. Definitely looked like someone had worked her over. The blonde stared at her, mouth agape. She glared at him before shoving him and the currently unconscious Sasuke inside.
" What the hell happened to you?" Naruto asked plopping Sasuke onto the couch. Hitoko looked back at him before disappearing into the kitchen. Alrye was sitting on the couch typing away.
" It was a long night." She called. " Since Rye and I…Heh that rhymed, since we've been collaborating so much, I've been writing non-stop. I got me the carpal tunnel."
" What the hell did you do to Sasuke?" Alrye asked looking over at the Uchiha. Naruto grinned sheepishly while he rubbed the back of his head. "Let me guess…since its April Fools Day, you decided to add acid to the food he ordered so you could play as many lame tricks on him as you wanted and them make it up to him with lots of sex?"
" Its like you're inside my head." He answered. " So what can we do to make him wake up?"
" Well, we can do what they did in 'Pulp Fiction' and inject him with adrenaline. That'll probably do something. Cause he looks like he's on the boarder of life and death." Hitoko said walking over to the Uchiha. She poked Sasuke as hard as humanly possible. No response. She walked over to a wall and knocked on it in a strange pattern. The wall opened up to reveal medical supplies. She pulled out a really long hypodermic needle and a bottle of clear fluid.
" Where the hell did you get that stuff?"
" Rye got connects." Alrye nodded as she continued to type. " Don't question the connections."
Hitoko calmly dragged the Uchiha onto the floor and ripped open his shirt. She filled the syringe with adrenaline and positioned it over Sasuke's heart. She pulled her arm up…
" Don't die Sasuke…" Naruto muttered.
BACK TO SASUKE…Reg. PV cause I'm lazy
Naruto was going up and down on Sasuke's hard cock. The Uchiha was actually seeing white for the first time. It was going to be the best orgasm he'd ever had. His eyes began to roll back into his head, he bit his lip. Yes! This was it. The coil in his stomach tightened and he tugged on the blonde's erection. Naruto moaned out his lover's name before capturing his lips.
" Sasuke! Can you do one thing for me?" The blonde asked biting his lip as sexily as he could. The Uchiha nodded furiously. " Don't die Sasuke…"
The white light became blinding. Everything in his vision was gone, except the bright light. He reached out to touch it. It was tangible. But there was something else…blonde? Was that Naruto in the light? And Hitoko? Why the hell was she holding that giant ass needle so close to him? He tried to reach out and felt his limbs being held down. He struggled but nothing happened. It was like he was trapped…
" I'm Uchiha Sasuke, damn it. I don't give up." The Uchiha muttered and he reached for it. He reached for Naruto and Hitoko. There was no way in hell she was going to shove that needle somewhere.
" Come on Hitoko, you can do this!" Rye cheered. She shook her head and dropped the needle.
" His eyes are open. Its like he's watching me…It's creepin' me out."
" If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself." She said pulling the needle out of Hitoko's hand. She made the other two scoot over and touched the needle to the Uchiha's chest. She brought her arm up and Sasuke sprung up off the floor.
Hitoko screamed and jumped onto Alrye, fearing her life. Naruto screamed too, like a little girl. Rye just blinked and lowered the needle. Sasuke was panting and looking around the room confused.
" WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" He screamed. The three people in front of him looked at each other before pushing Naruto forward. The blonde laughed a little from shock.
" Uh…April Fools?"
" Oh I'm going to show you the best April Fools Day prank of your life!" Sasuke said getting to his feet. He dragged Naruto out of the house, leaving Hitoko and Alrye to their writing.
Sasuke threw Naruto into his house and made sure to triple lock the door. Even the most skilled ninja would have trouble unlocking the door in a timely manor. The Uchiha dragged him up the stairs into his bedroom.
" Sasuke please, I'm sorry!" Naruto whimpered as he was unceremoniously dropped onto the Uchiha's bed.
" Saying 'please' and 'sorry' won't save you from what I plan to do to you." Sasuke sneered jumping onto his blonde. Sasuke stripped Naruto down and tied his wrists. He kissed down his chest until he reached a dusty nipple. He bit down hard, making Naruto scream.
The Uchiha kept biting his chest and stomach until he was covered in painful, red, teeth marks. Naruto had ceased to scream after a few minutes of the rough treatment. Sasuke abandoned biting and decided on something else. Something much more torturous. He trailed down Naruto's stomach and avoided the blonde's cock by taking to his thigh. He gave it a long sultry lick, making sure to capture Naruto's eyes in a dead stare. The blonde had to look away from Sasuke. It was just something about his eyes that made him dangerous during sex.
Sasuke moved lower, his tongue flicked the blonde's entrance. Naruto moaned in bliss. He loved it when Sasuke would touch him like that. The Uchiha shoved his tongue in a little, testing how far he could get it in before Naruto arched, causing it to fall back out. Sasuke shoved three fingers into Naruto's mouth. The blonde sucked them teasingly. Licking between fingers, making them dripping wet with saliva. Sasuke had moved his head up slightly. He sucked gently on the blonde's sensitive balls. He alternated between licking and kissing. Naruto moaned and Sasuke's fingers slipped out of his well trained mouth.
The Uchiha brought them to Naruto's entrance. He slid in all three at one time. The blonde screamed in pain but was soothed by the suction Sasuke was providing. Naruto relaxed letting Sasuke thrust his fingers in harshly. Naruto clenched his muscles while throwing his head back in pleasure. Sasuke knew he was ready and pulled his fingers out.
Sasuke torturously started to remove his clothes. Bringing them down slowly, exposing the skin of his body to Naruto, like he had done so many times before. Sasuke found himself licking his fingers and rubbing the wet digits down his stomach. Naruto's eyes were glued and he was entranced by the display. He unbutton his pants. He pulled them off his hips and shimmied out of them. Next was his boxers. He gave them the same treatment.
" Do you want me Naruto?"
" Yes! Please fuck me Sasuke." Sasuke positioned himself at Naruto's entrance. He brought his hips back as he was about to thrust in but stopped halfway. He grinned and mischief danced in his smile.
" APRIL FOOLS!" He shouted. " And the people reading this thought I was going to fuck Naruto. Ha, wasted your life! Greatest prank ever! This was Hitoko-Sama."