T! M! N! T! Does not belong to me!

Mari Dark'ness Dementia Raven Su jumped across the rooftops, her long blonde hair billowing behind her like a flag on a pole on a windy day. Her large blue eyes were wide because she was scared. The Foot were chasing her because they wanted to experiment on her, as she had the blood type D². She leaped really far and landed perfectly, for she knew ninjitsu despite not being born into any sort of clan. She was so naturally good at it that she had taught herself it and had defeated all the bullies at her school when she was five. You would have thought she was cool and popular but she wasn't. Everyone picked on her because they were jealous of her as she was so pretty, smart and kind.

She suffered this uncalled for cruelty everyday, so she stopped running. She was sick of life and decided right then to end it. She would let the Foot capture her and stuff. Then the pain would go away as she would die. Everyone would be happy when she was dead. Well, that is what she thought but it wasn't really true. She was just being hard on herself.

"Hey, look! It's the girl Shredder wants!" shouted one of the Elite Foot ninjas, catching up to her. "Let's capture her!"

"NO!" bellowed a voice.

A dark figure jumped out of the sky and landed on the Elite Foot ninja. Mari watched, confused. This dark figure was kind of small and fat, but it moved really fast. One of the standard ninjas managed to brush past it, knocking the mysterious figure to the floor.

"I kill you now," screamed a Foot ninja, getting out a knife and standing over the defenceless figure she did not know.

Mari couldn't let the ninja kill the person who had saved her. The person didn't deserve to die. The person had only tried to save her. She closed her eyes and used her aura to kill all of the Foot. Then, she ran over to the figure.

"Don't look at me…" it moaned.

Mari knelt down and looked at it. 'It' turned out to be a 'he'.

"You're a turtle," she said in a monotonous tone of voice.

The turtle looked up at her. She was really pretty and slim, with not too pale and not too dark skin. She had really big breasts and they were close to his face, hanging inches away from his nose. He reddened. Her pink sweat suit was really tight and it made her look even more attractive. Even though he couldn't see them, she was wearing shiny red shoes with 12cm long stiletto heels. Under them were snow white tights. In her hair were large glittery butterfly clips, which made her untangled blonde hair stand out even more.

He gulped before saying, "Yer… yer not scared of me?"

"Of course not," she said. "Just because you're a potentially dangerous large mutant turtle that I didn't know existed until now, doesn't mean I should be afraid. What's your name?"

"I'm Raphael," the potentially dangerous large mutant turtle said, getting up and accidentally putting his face into her large chest. It was so cushiony that he stayed there for a moment, before standing up completely. "Why were the Foot after ya?"

She put her hands on her face and began to sob. "They want to capture me so they can experiment on me. They did so before and they all harassed me because I was so pretty and they thought I was fit. Shredder tried to do stuff to me but I stopped him and he called me ugly and stupid."

"Yer not ugly and stupid!" exclaimed Raph, horrified. "Yer sexy and smart and beautiful!"

"That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me," she murmured, stroking his chest. "Are you lying, or do you really truly mean it?"

"I love ya, of course I mean it!" he said.

"I love you too," she said, kissing him. He kissed her back and they fell onto the cold hard ground. They rolled over so they were lying on the soft dead body of one of the Foot ninjas. Their hands explored each other's bodies and they COUGH COUGH Use your imagination COUGH COUGH.

"Now we have had sex, we must tell my family," Raph told her, taking her to the sewers. It was cold and dark and wet. She stared at it with a horrified expression on her face.

"Oh my god! You live in a sewer?" Mari exclaimed, more surprised at this fact than him being a giant talking turtle.

"Yeah. Everyone else is mean and tries to hurt us, so we have to live here," he explained.

"I know how you feel; people are like that with me. Hey! That's another way we're similar!"

This was so amazing that they started to make out again. They were really getting into it when something dropped from the ceiling, a camera in its hands. It grinned at them, dancing around.


"Who is that?" asked Mari.

"That's my brother Leo. He is such a teacher's pet dat sucks up to our master all the time," Raph told her kindly, before looking at Leo angrily. "Ya can't tell Sensei. It ain't none of yer business."

"But I will and you'll get into trouble, resulting in Master Splinter punishing you and praising me for alerting him of this!" Leo gabbled, running away.

Raph stood there all frozen but Mari ran after him. She couldn't let Raph get into trouble because of her. She caught up with Leo in a few seconds and punched him in the face. He hit the wall behind him and began to bleed. She went in front of him, gazing down at his bruised body.

"Wow…" said Leo, impressed by her superior fighting skills. "You're so strong and skilled. You defeated me so quickly. Not only that, you did it because you didn't want Raph to get in trouble. Such selflessness. Also, you're really pretty."

"Really?" she said, pleased.

"Yeah." Leo stood up, even though many of his bones were broken, and began to kiss her. She didn't want to kiss him but he was overpowering her. She tried to break free but couldn't. She began to cry but Leo was so nasty and cruel that he didn't stop.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Raph punched Leo in the face. "Stop!"

"I'm sorry, Raph," Mari cried. "He overpowered me. I didn't want to kiss him but… but he made me. I don't love him. I love you!"

She began to kiss Raph and he kissed her back. Leo watched as they fell onto the floor, making love to each other. He got so upset that he got out his katana and stabbed himself, before jumping into the sewer water.

Raph and Mari didn't notice this and returned to the lair. It was really nice, with a big TV and lots of things that normal homes had. Raph's other two brothers, Michelangelo and Donatello, were sitting next to each other on the armchair. They looked up when they saw Raph enter with Mari.

"Who's that hot babe?" asked Mikey.

Mari giggled modestly. "I'm not hot, but thank you."

"Yes you are!" exclaimed Don. "If I wasn't gay for Mike, I would so do you!"

Mikey giggled and continued kissing Don.

"Where's Master Splinter?" asked Raph, putting his arm around Mari, "I wanna show 'im ma new girlfriend."

"AH!" screamed Master Splinter, coming into the room. "I'm having a heart attack because I am so very old!"

With that, Splinter dropped down dead.

"NOOO!" the three turtles and Mari cried, rushing around him. They cried for a few minutes before recuperating and standing up.

Raph gulped, his eyes red from crying. He was tough on the outside, but he was secretly soft on the inside. It was all an act, him being tough, and he really loved Splinter. He tearfully looked at Mari. "At least now we can be together. Master Splinter pro'lly wouldn't approve, so at least there is one good thing about his death."

Mari kissed him, before widening her eyes and rushing to the bathroom. She came out a few minutes later holding a pregnancy test. She showed it to him. "Look, I'm pregnant."

"WHAT!" Raph screamed, before fainting. He woke up after an hour and hugged Mari. No one had moved since he had fainted, for some reason. He kissed her tummy. "I'm gonna be a Daddy."

There was an explosion and the Foot came in. Behind them was Karai, whose arm was around her new boyfriend… someone they knew all too well. Her boyfriend smirked, looking at the turtles and Mari with disgust on his face. Karai bent down and kissed him.

"No… way," said Mikey, rubbing his eyes. "Who would have thought that she… and him…"

"We trusted you!" blurted out Don. "How could you betray us and love her like that? I thought we were family!"

Their ex-friend glared at them before breaking into a smile. "You can't choose who you love, noodle. I love Karai with all my heart and she loves me. Right, smoochums?"

"Yes… Ancient One," said Karai happily, kissing him again.

Shredder pointed at his enemies and bellowed, "Kill them, slaves!"

"You're no match against us!" shouted Don, getting out his long stick and pointing it at the approaching Foot ninjas. "Right, bros?"

"Right," said Mikey.

Raph and Mari didn't answer, because they were too busy looking up baby names on the computer.

Karai cut off Mikey's head with her Japanese sword. Don blinked, backing away from the Foot. He looked over his shoulder at his only remaining brother. He began to tremble. "R-Raph? I… I could do with some help."

Having chosen to call their child Destinie, Mari and Raph began to cuddle and kiss each other gently.

"Raph?" Don screamed, getting his head chopped off by Shredder. His head rolled out of the lair and went into the sewer water, never to be seen again.

"Capture her!" screamed Shredder.

The Foot went forward and grabbed Mari. The Ancient One farted in her face, knocking her out. Raph tried to save her but Shredder got hold of him from behind. The poor turtle could only watch as his soul mate was dragged away.

"Now…" Shredder whispered in Raph's ear, using one of his arms to undo his metal skirt. Then, the nasty old villain kissed Raph and ran away.

Raph lay on the floor, feeling dirty. He wanted to kill himself but he couldn't. He had to save Mari from the Foot. She needed him like he needed her. He got to his feet, completely recovered, and went to the Foot headquarters.


Mari was all tied up. Various members of the Foot had beaten her and had touched her up but she still looked as beautiful as ever. She glared at Shredder. "You won't get away with this. Raph will come save me."

"Uh, no," said Shredder.

Mari began to cry. He was right. Why would he save her? She was obviously ugly and stupid. How could she ever think that Raph would waste his time with her? She didn't deserve him. She was going to rot here for the rest of her life. She would have slit her wrists to divert the emotional pain inside of her if she wasn't tied up.


Raph stormed into the room, anger in his eyes. He stabbed Shredder with his sai and untied Mari. The reunited couple hugged each other and kissed, happy to be together.

"I'm so full of angst, though…" growled Raph. "Shredder kissed me and I feel all moody and sick."

They went back to the lair AKA their new home. Raph was angry for a while and quite sick, but it wasn't because of what Shredder did to him. It turned out he was…

"Pregnant?" Raph stared at the test. "I'm pregnant? Oh man… I feel so sad. I think I'll go punch myself to dull the pain."

"No!" said Mari. "It didn't ask to be conceived. We must take care of it."

So Raph and Mari lived together. Mari had ten turtle human babies: Destinie, Fate, Hope, Raphael Junior, Michelangelo Junior, Donatello Junior, Splinter Junior, Leonardo Junior, Mari Junior and Enoby. Raph gave birth to Shredder Junior.

Life was all happy until one day, Raph woke up…

"A human!" Raph stared at the mirror. "I'm human? Oh man… I feel so sad. I think I'll punch myself to dull the pain."

"No!" said Mari. "You didn't ask to be human. Um… well, now we can go live topside. The kids can have plastic surgery so they look normal."

So they went to live topside. Mari became a model and they lived in a big house. There, they were happy for the rest of their lives.

The end

I read deathoftoast's awesome fic and had to write this. XD April Fools!

PS Many things in this I do not approve of or like, but don't take this too seriously. ;)