The Birds and the Bees
madjack89: Yay, my first Fruits Basket one-shot! Hooray!
Kyo: …I can already tell that I'm gonna hate you.
madjack89: Aw, don't be like that, Kyo! It's April Fools' Day!
Kyo: Exactly. I hate this day.
Yuki: You just hate it because you always fall for my pranks and I never fall for any of yours.
Shigure: You've even fallen for a couple of my pranks!
Yuki: How sad that the martial arts "genius" doesn't have the mental capacity to evade our tricks.
Kyo: You damn rat…
Kagure: Stop picking on Kyo! It's not his fault he's gullible!
madjack89: I love these people!
Tohru: Oh dear…
Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket…April Fools'! No seriously, I don't own Fruits Basket.
"Kyo, where do babies come from?"
Kyo stopped halfway through eating a spoonful of cereal, slowly turning to face Tohru. "You don't know where babies come from?" he asked in disbelief.
"Well," Tohru mumbled, lowering her head. "M-my mom a-always said she'd t-tell me sometime, and t-then she didn't, and one thing l-lead to another, so…"
Kyo let his spoon clatter back into his bowl as his eyes widened in astonishment. There's no way she's serious! She has to know! She's not that naïve…or maybe she is!
"Uh…" Kyo wasn't sure where to begin. But Tohru was just sitting there all doe-eyed, waiting for an answer. He had to tell her something.
Finally, he decided to stall for time. "I'll tell you later, alright?" he declared before rushing out of the room, leaving Tohru sitting alone at the table.
"I'm not so sure about this…" Tohru muttered, sweatdropping profusely.
"Why the hell doesn't she know where babies come from?!" Kyo yelled into his cell phone a few miles away from Shigure's house. Before he'd left, he'd grabbed his cell phone and Tohru's grandfather's house's number and was now shouting at an elderly man over the phone. Good job, Kyo.
"Shut the hell up, Madjack!" Kyo snapped at me before turning his attention back to his cell phone. "Now answer my question: why doesn't Tohru know where babies come from?"
"Well, I wouldn't know much about that, would I?" the older man replied on the other line. "Tohru never asked me such questions when she lived here. Why don't you ask Kyoko about this?"
"Damn it," Kyo muttered, snapping his phone shut. "I guess she really doesn't know…but how the hell am I supposed to tell her?"
As Kyo pondered this predicament, Yuki walked up from farther down the path, coming back from his (slightly pansy) gardening. When he saw the deep look of concentration on Kyo's face, he stopped. "What are you doing, stupid cat?" he asked.
Kyo glanced at Yuki, then looked away again. "No chance in hell…" he mumbled.
"What are you talking about?" Yuki asked, beginning to get annoyed. Kyo didn't respond. "Just tell me what's going on already!" Yuki shouted, finally losing his patience.
Kyo took a deep breath, and then said quietly, "Yuki, I…need your help."
About an hour later, after Kyo and Yuki had bickered about how to handle the situation, they'd finally settled on sneaking back to the house and calling Hatori. "He's one of the least annoying people in our family and he's a doctor," Kyo reasoned, though he forced Yuki to make the call.
After about two rings, Hatori answered. "Hello, Ayame," he said in a flat tone.
"Hatori, it's Yuki," Yuki replied.
"Oh," Hatori said, surprised. "Sorry about the misidentification, Yuki."
"No, I understand," Yuki muttered, sighing. Then, getting back on topic, he continued, "Anyway, Kyo and I have an…issue we were hoping you could help us out with."
"Did Tohru hurt herself again?" Hatori asked dryly.
"No," Yuki replied, eye beginning to twitch in irritation. "You see…Miss Honda…apparently doesn't know where babies come from."
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" Startled by the sudden shout on the other line, Yuki dropped the phone, eardrums practically bleeding.
Recognizing the voice, Kyo groaned. "Oh god, how did HE get on the line?"
"I happened to be visiting Hatori and happened to hear my dear brother's voice on the other line and happened to grab the phone just as he explained your predicament, Kyon-Kyon," Ayame explained as if it were obvious.
"What did I say about calling me that?!" Kyo shouted angrily.
"But my, this is quite something," Ayame continued, ignoring Kyo. "Tohru truly is the purest of all flowers, an angel trapped among devils!"
"We're devils now?" Yuki pondered to himself.
"Clearly, I must come straight away and educate her in this most delicate of subjects!" Ayame declared. "I am, after all, the best qualified for this!"
"Since when?!" Kyo cried exasperatedly.
"It's settled!" Ayame said, as if a plan had been made. "I'll be there in ten minutes! See you then!"
A moment of silence followed. Then Hatori picked up the phone and said, "You're going to want to keep Tohru away from him until we think of a better plan."
"No shit," Kyo muttered as Yuki retrieved the phone to talk with Hatori.
After several minutes of planning, it was decided that Hatori would send another person in his place to talk to Tohru since he was too busy with work.
"Well, we can rule out Kisa and Hiro," Kyo muttered, checking names off on his fingers. "I kind of doubt Momiji knows himself…no chance in hell are we willingly calling Kagura…Rin's too abrasive…then there's Ritsu…heh, just kidding!"
"Why don't we know any normal people?" Yuki said to himself, sighing.
"Maybe I should send Hatsuharu over," Hatori suggested. "He's normal half the time and there's a good chance he's semi-experienced in this department."
"Good point," Yuki agreed. "Okay, send him over. We'll keep a look-out for Ayame."
Just after hanging up, Yuki and Kyo heard a knock at the door. It was soon followed by a shout of, "Hello everyone! I have come to educate you in the most sacred of all arts!"
"Aw hell!" Kyo cursed. "How did he get here so fast?"
Before Yuki could add to Kyo's statement, Tohru's voice drifted in from the front room, saying, "Oh, Ayame. I didn't know you were coming today."
In the blink of an eye, Kyo and Yuki had run to the front door, grabbed Tohru, and begun to usher her away from Ayame as quickly as possible.
"Uh, um, what?" Tohru mumbled, feeling frazzled.
"This won't hold him off for long," Kyo said, ignoring Tohru. "His confusion will wear off soon, and then he'll be back on the prowl."
"Tohru, Yuki, Kyo! Where have you run off to?"
"The closet!" Yuki suggested quickly, shoving Kyo and Tohru into the nearby closet. Glaring at Kyo, he hissed, "Protect Miss Honda or I'll kill you later." Then he shut the door, awaiting his fate with dignity.
Holding his hand over an extremely confused Tohru's mouth, Kyo flinched as he heard Yuki being overtaken and dragged off by Ayame. "He may be a damn rat, but he's a heroic damn rat," he muttered to himself.
After waiting an acceptable amount of time, Kyo slowly opened the door. It was quiet, meaning Yuki had probably lured Ayame out of the house. Sighing with relief, he released Tohru and said, "Never mind what just happened. Just go do the laundry or make dinner or do whatever you do."
"Um, okay," Tohru agreed, walking out of the closet in a daze. Before she left, though, she turned to Kyo and said, "By the way, um, about the, uh, question I asked you…"
"I'll have an answer for you later, okay?" Kyo replied quickly, running out the door in order to get away.
Tohru stared after Kyo for a moment, looking worried. "I really don't know about this," she muttered.
"Crap!" Kyo exclaimed, punching a tree in frustration. "What the hell do I do now?"
"Uh, Kyo?" Kyo turned to see Hatsuharu standing on the path, staring at his blankly.
"Haru!" Kyo cried, actually excited to see his relative. "Thank god you're here!"
Hatsuharu cocked his head, slightly creeped out by Kyo's smile. "Uh, yeah, Hatori told me what happened. Does Tohru really not know where babies come from?"
"Apparently not," Kyo replied, signaling Hatsuharu to follow him back to Shigure's house. "C'mon, let's go break the news to her."
After a few minutes of walking, the two arrived at the house. Greeting them at the front door, however, was the sight of Shigure's editor lying facedown on the ground, unmoving.
Kyo stared at her for a second, then continued into the house.
"Shouldn't we help her?" Hatsuharu wondered, glancing at the woman.
"No, she'll be fine once Shigure gives her his manuscript," Kyo explained with a shrug. "I haven't seen Shigure all day, though. Oh well."
After entering the house, Kyo explained his hastily crafted plan to Hatsuharu. "Okay, here's what we'll do. We'll just sit Tohru down and, using each other for moral support, tell her."
"Sounds good," Hatsuharu agreed, nodding.
"Alright, I'll get her," Kyo said, taking a deep breath before shouting, "Hey Tohru, come here a second!"
A moment later, Tohru replied from the other room, "Okay, I'll be there in a little bit!"
"Okay!" Kyo shouted back, turning to Hatsuharu. "Alright, how do you think we should start explaining this to her?"
"Uh, 'the birds and the bees'?" Hatsuharu suggested, shrugging.
Just then, Kyo and Hatsuharu heard a knock at the door. "Oh crap, is he back already?" Kyo muttered.
"Who?" Hatsuharu asked.
"C'mon, we have to find some other way to stop him!" Kyo called back, already rushing toward the door and opening it to reveal…
"Where's Tohru?" Momiji asked immediately, squeezing his way around Kyo.
"Momiji!" Kyo growled angrily. "What the hell are you doing here?!"
"I came to tell Tohru where babies come from, duh!" Momiji replied, taking off his shoes hastily.
"I thought that was my job," Hatsuharu muttered, joining the two.
"It is!" Kyo exclaimed. He was about to go off on Momiji when Tohru stepped into the room, drying her hands on a towel.
"Oh!" Tohru said, surprised. "I didn't know that Hatsuharu and Momiji would be here today."
"Neither did I," Kyo muttered, rolling his eyes.
"Tohru!" Momiji exclaimed, grabbing Tohru's hands in his own. "Don't worry, I'll tell you all about—"
Before he could say more, Kyo had put Momiji in a headlock and begun to drag him out the door.
Tohru just stood still, startled and confused. "Uh, Kyo…"
"Never mind the runt, Tohru," Kyo said, shoving Momiji out the door. "I'm just going to give him a little talk outside. In fact, Haru has something to tell you, too."
"I do?" Hatsuharu asked, confused by the sudden change of plans.
"Yes you do!" Kyo hissed. "I'll take care of this distraction while you explain that thing to Tohru!"
Without waiting for Hatsuharu's response, Kyo slid the door shut. Then he turned to Momiji, infuriated. "What the hell did you think you were doing?! And how'd you know Tohru asked me where babies come from?!"
"I didn't know that!" Momiji retorted.
"The hell you didn't!" Kyo growled, noogying Momiji to within an inch of his life.
Crying, Momiji wailed, "Wah! Kyo's hurting me! Wah!"
"I'll stop when you decide to tell me the truth!" Kyo explained angrily.
"I am!" Momiji replied desperately. "I heard from Aya that Tohru didn't know where babies come from, but that's all!"
"He told you?" Kyo asked, so stunned that he let Momiji go.
"He told a lot of people," Momiji corrected. "The whole Sohma house knows by now."
Kyo's mouth hung open, stunned completely speechless. "By the way, why is there a dead lady in front of Shigure's house?" Momiji added, pointing at Shigure's editor.
"Forget her!" Kyo snapped, glancing left and right. "We've got bigger problems to deal with."
"What do you mean?" Momiji asked curiously.
Kyo sighed. "If I know the Sohmas, which I unfortunately do, you're not going to be the last unexpected guest we get today."
"Oh, that's true," Momiji pondered, nodding sagely.
"Hey, by the way, do you really know where babies come from?" Kyo asked Momiji skeptically.
"Of course I do!" Momiji replied. "The baby fairy crafts babies out of sugar, spice, and everything nice! Then she gives them to the parents!"
Kyo tilted his head slowly. That sounds more like how the Powerpuff Girls were born, he thought.
"She doesn't know!" Suddenly, Kagura had Kyo wrapped in a hug/death grip. Kyo struggled futilely, face turning red from lack of oxygen. Nevertheless, Kagura continued to squeal. "She doesn't know what sex is, so she can't seduce you into it! Hooray!"
"What does sex have to do with babies?" Momiji wondered to himself.
"Um, uh, excuse me please, if that's okay?" Kagura, surprised by the sudden request, released Kyo and turned to see Ritsu (in guy mode) standing behind her and shuffling his feet nervously.
"Oh great!" Kyo muttered, regaining his breath while glaring at Ritsu. "Why the hell are you here?"
"I-I-I'm sorry!" Ritsu stammered, bowing rapidly. "I just heard about Tohru and I thought I might be able to help and why is that lady lying on the ground and I'm sorry!"
What else can go wrong? Kyo wondered exasperatedly.
Suddenly, the others noticed a little girl walking up the path. As she got closer, they realized the girl was Kisa.
"Oh, let me guess!" Kyo exclaimed dramatically. "You're here to tell Tohru where babies come from, right?"
"Um…no," Kisa said, confused. "I just wanted to see Sissy. Oh my gosh, is that woman dead?"
"NO!" Kyo shouted, losing his already thin patience.
"We've returned!" Ayame suddenly cried, walking up to the group with a traumatized Yuki in tow. "And what a lovely stroll we had! I could just feel our bond strengthening!"
"If I didn't need a therapist before, I definitely need one now," Yuki muttered, twitching.
Kyo just sighed. "You and me both, you damn rat. Well, at least Haru's taking care of the situation."
"Actually, I couldn't do it." Everyone turned at the sound of Hatsuharu's voice, seeing both he and Tohru standing in the doorway.
Tohru looked bewildered by the group of Sohmas that had formed outside while Hatsuharu was red with embarrassment.
"Damn it Haru!" Kyo cursed angrily. "We asked you to do one thing for us and you failed!"
"You couldn't do it either," Hatsuharu retorted.
There was momentary silence. Then Kyo exploded. "Damn it all to hell!"
"Uh, Kyo," Tohru began.
"Why the hell does my freaking family always make everything such a big freaking deal?!" he continued, on a roll.
"Um, Kyo…" Tohru mumbled.
"And why is this woman here such a spaz about Shigure—"
A long awkward silence fell over the group after Tohru's exclamation. Finally, Kyo asked the long-awaited question. "What?"
"Well," Tohru began nervously, hanging her head. "I t-told you that I d-didn't know where b-babies come from as an A-April Fools' joke. I actually d-do know how babies are, um, born. I-I'm sorry I caused so m-much trouble, but Shigure told me it would be fun, so…"
"Wait, Shigure told you to do this?" Yuki asked.
Tohru nodded quickly. "He told me that he needed help with his prank on Kyo. He said it would be harmless, so I agreed to help him."
"And this turned out better than I expected!" Suddenly, Shigure popped out from the trees, grinning impishly. "I knew it would be funny to make Kyo think that Tohru was so naïve, but I never expected him to get the main house involved! What a riot!"
The group of Sohmas all stared at Shigure as he doubled over with laughter. "Good one, Shigure!" Ayame shouted, joining in the laughter. "I was utterly fooled!"
"So Tohru DOES know about the baby fairy!" Momiji concluded with a smile.
"Who's the baby fairy?" Kisa asked curiously.
"It's nothing," Hatsuharu said, dragging Kisa quickly away from Momiji so he wouldn't fill her head with his theories.
"Aw," Kagura sighed, looking disappointed, while Ritsu looked relieved that he didn't actually have to explain anything to Tohru.
Kyo and Yuki, however, were glaring furiously at Shigure, anger seeming to physically take shape around them and swirl into a cloud of fury. Tohru shrunk back in fear, eyes wide. Shigure didn't notice anything through his chuckles.
"Shigure…" his editor muttered from the ground, crying to herself.
Shigure: HA HA HA HA HA HA!
madjack89: You do know that Yuki and Kyo are going to kill you now, right?
Shigure: It was worth it!
madjack89: Suit yourself. Alright, R&R to tell me what you thought! And happy April Fools' Day!
Kyo: We'll take turns beating his face in, okay?
Yuki: Sounds good.
madjack89: You guys can't take a joke.
Kyo and Yuki: Shut up!