Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or anything associated with it whatsoever. Alas, and woe.
Tsunade shuffled sleepily into the silent office of the Hokage, golden eyes squinting, a tired, grumpy scowl on her face and a steaming cup of joe firmly in the hand not holding the door open. She was never a morning person, never had been, and years of training as a shinobi not withstanding, she never would be either. She yawned without a restraint, curling her tongue as her jaw popped in protest. It should be against the law to make the Hokage work at the butt-crack of dawn.
She drifted drowsily over to her chair and slumped down into it heavily with a sigh. She carefully placed the coffee and its precious caffeine to one side of her workspace before reaching for the first leaf of paper in her inbox, one eye checking the chakra patches on her reply stack for instant answers.
Let chaos reign.
Incoming Message from Escort Shiranui Genma
We have had a minor diplomatic "incident". The ambassador from Tea had a run-in with Might Guy. Guy appeared in the Town Square without his pants. He seemed to be challenging Kakashi-sempai to something. That's all I know at this time.
Please, Hokage-sama, don't order me to be the one to find out what was going on.
The Ambassador wants an audience with you.
You won't believe the great offer I just got! The daimyo of the Land of Rice changed the tariff laws so I can sell my latest work of literature there at my normal price gouge! It has been a true shame for the land to be starved of culture, bereft of the enrichment of my work. And have you seen his daughter? Talk about jailbait! But by the time I get there she'll be legal! The scratches on my face have almost healed from the last time we meet so I'm sure she'll have forgotten about it!
Where was I? Right.
Anyway, he said he'd fast track my precious works to the wholesalers if you'll put your stamp of approval on it as Hokage! Why not? You've been walking around with those big ol' titties since we were chuunin so it's not like you have too much self-respect for your name and face on my novels.
Whadda ya say?
The Magnificent Jiraiya
Dispatch from Ebisu-sensei
Hokage-sama I implore you not to blame the conduct of my student Konohamaru on either him or myself! I have a most challenging time correcting the behavior of my highly influenceable ward following each encounter he has with Uzumaki Naruto. I blame his behavior on his deviant sensei, who if he would spend less time in books of a questionable nature and running from Might Guy when that man isn't wearing pants, could focus on his charges and Uzumaki wouldn't have time to teach my student such perverted and shameful jutsu. And he should take responsibility for his actions and not flee the scene.
And I have no idea why Guy had no pants.
Dispatch from Jounin Commander Nara Shikamaru
I'm sorry to bother you with such a small thing, but Yamashiro Aoba's crush in Mitarashi Anko is getting to be a nuisance. I tried to have her transferred for a special case my squad is working on to help him get over it, but she sent me the following post-it:
Solve your own damn problem- Anko
Could you cut me a break and give them a field assignment so she can break his face as well as his heart and things will get back to normal?
Report from Jounin Hatake Kakashi
Just as I was about to return to the faithful execution of my duties as a loyal ninja of Konoha, I was accosted by Might Guy who insisted I, as his rival (I still don't know what he's talking about), must participate with him in a Toe Wrestling Contest. I said no.
How he gleaned from 'no' that I said, 'Prove to me we are evenly matched', I don't know. And after he removed, his shoes, and then his pants to prove to me he wasn't cheating, I wasn't going to stick around for the loincloth.
Message from Escort Hagane Kotetsu
It seems Konohamaru saw the Ambassador's son in shock after their encounter with Guy and decided to cheer him up by showing him Naruto's 'Sexy Jutsu'. Naruto think it's really funny. The Ambassador, not so much.
PS- The son wants to learn the technique, and has asked to formally petition you to learn it.
PPS- The father found out. The son now wants diplomatic immunity.
Nearly Illegible Note
Baa-chan! You can't let these people get so upset over nothin'! It was just a prank! Besides, that kid was really happy and that says a lot after seeing Guy in just his loincloth-dattebayo.
Did you know he waxes his legs? I didn't want to know that.
Tsunade, why such a stiff?
That note you wrote back was totally unfair. Why wouldn't you help out your old friend and teammate over so petty a thing as my mentioning your bust line? Boobs shouldn't come between friends, although in your case they can come between you and several friends at once! (Hey that was pretty clever! I'll write that one down.)
Say, I'm trying to pass through the border of Tea on my way to Rice and it looks like there is some kind of bizarre little hang up with my passport, like maybe it was revoked, and they're threatening to throw me in the slammer.
I know, right? So, could you write a letter explaining the whole thing?
Message from Chuunin Medic Haruno Sakura
Don't worry about, Naruto, Shishou. I fixed him. After that stupid 'Sexy Jutsu' of his made an appearance, in front of an ambassador no less, I grabbed him by the scruff his neck and hurled him down the street. He left a good trench and should be out of your hair for at least a day.
Disconcertingly Enthusiastic Message from Might Guy
I am utterly ashamed that the flames of my youth overflowed so in front of person of such importance! I would have never deliberately committed such an act and am horrified that it should have come to pass! For my transgression, I shall run 5,000 laps around Konoha on my hands! If I cannot do that, I will 10,000 pushups on one finger!
Don't worry Hokage-sama I shall endeavor henceforth to uphold the honor of our magnificent Village! And I shall do it with my pants on!
Dispatch from Escort Kotetsu Hagane
The ambassador from Tea says all will be forgotten if he can hire Haruno Sakura at a discounted price. He has a building project he needs finished before a deadline. Something about a venue for what honestly sounded like 'toe wrestling'. Have you heard of it?
Report from the Konoha Department of Municipalities
The underground sewer lines on Main Street near the town square will be laid ahead of schedule.
Okay, Tsunade, very funny. Time to be serious now.
I know there is no way you sent Mitarashi Anko to be my advocate. That would be totally unreasonable of you. She isn't known her patience or light touch! She's going to get me in even worse trouble, and she didn't say anything about validating my passport!
You couldn't possibly be that mad about a little boob joke. That would be beneath you, Tsunade. Beneath you!
"Tsunade-sama." Shizune opened the door slowly, her voice polite as she caught the groggy Hokage's attention. "Your 6:00 AM appointment is here."
Tsunade blinked once as she made a face. "Shizune," she said hoisting up her drained mug. "More coffee."