note: Not mine. EDWARD/BATMAN FOREVER!!!

Tragedy Porn

Thunder rolled with a vengeance. A faint air of depression hung over the city of Gotham like a fire-retardant blanket, and perfectly diamond shaped drops of water fell straightly towards the ground. Edward Cullen, aged really old, but not in a gross way, because he still looked like he was seventeen, knew that they were all aimed at him, thrown by some wrathful god who hated him and wanted to make his wrath known.

That was okay. Edward was used to being hated, used to being misunderstood. He was not anyone's hero. He was a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight. Right now, he was wearing a beige jacket over a shirt that was a slightly darker shade of beige. His shoes shone beigely. His beige corduroy trousers were half an inch too short, and his socks showed in the gap between the shoes and the trouser edge.

They were beige.

Suddenly! A dark shape dropped from the platform roof (a/n: Edward is standing on the train platform because he likes watching trains. This is a terrible, tragic, depressing, tear-inducing, tragic condition which happens to people who are really old and virgins.) like a bat on steroids.

"Cullen," Batman growled like a man with chronic bronchitis.

Edward stared at him intensely, his golden orbs flashing like broken taillights. "Batman."

Batman returned his gaze, or at least Edward thought he did - with the cowl, it was kind of hard to tell. "We meet again."

"Yes," Edward lamented, because it was true. "It has been a long time."

They embraced sexily.

"Too long," Batman growled, with tears already clinging to his eyelashes like a fine mist. Edward Cullen always did this to him.

"My girlfriend left me for a demi-God," Edward ejaculated flatly in a monotone as he scrabbled for the opening of Batman's suit, "do you still have buttons on this?"

"My parents are dead," Batman growled emotionally, reaching for Edward's buttons, "no, I use brute strength to get it off."

"My five year old daughter is getting more sex than me," Edward bemoaned prettily, and tore Batman's suit off, "but how do you get it on?"

"My parents are dead," Batman growled lovingly, and ripped Edward's shirt away. It blew away with the changing wind. Batman stared at Edward's stygian, onyx chest hair, transfixed by the wondrous sight. Then he changed focus to Edward Cullen's face, and smiled a Batman smile, which is like an insane smile but tethered to reality and proper ethics with a tenacious, crooked finger. "Let me show you."

And then they sexed.

~FIN~