AN: Here's my little sample funny for the Dead Pan Contest. Thanks to Pixie & NYCSnowbird for hosting the contest and allowing me to give you all a sample of what's to come. Also, thanks to Pixie (again) and Zhivago3 for cleaning up my mess and making this even better! Any other issues are all mine.
Disclaimer: Charlaine Harris owns all things SVM related, Columbia Pictures owns all things Men in Black related, 20th Century Fox owns X-Files, Warner Bros. owns Pinky and the Brain. I own this crazy idea.
Enjoy!!! And be sure to check out all of the entries at http:// www. fanfiction. net/ ~deadpancontest (remove the spaces)
I was admiring Sookie from my seat on the center stage. I hated being here, but being the Sheriff of Area Five, I was almost duty-bound to be on display at least once a week. Pam, my second in command and confidant, was standing beside me, also watching my lover.
"Are you sure she won't be up for some lady action?" she asked, touching the tip of one of her fangs with her tongue. "She's just so damn … yummy. I don't think it's fair that you don't share her with me." She crossed her arms in front of her as she stared.
We watched as Sookie danced with her best friend and roommate, Amelia. It was Sookie's night off from Merlotte's and she was kindly gracing us with her presence. I stared at her as her hips swayed to the beat of the music. Her arms rose above her head sensually and as her hands made their way back down, she caressed her neck, drawing attention to the pulse that called to me. I thought of the way her blood tasted and I let out a low growl. I took in a quick sniff through my nose and was able to distinguish her unique scent from the crowd. I was instantly hard and all I wanted to do was take her.
"Pam, take over for a while. I must … attend to certain matters." I stood up and adjusted myself, hearing Pam snicker next to me.
"Yeah, I bet you do." As I walked away, I heard Pam mumble, "You lucky fucker." I couldn't help but smirk. Yes, I was very lucky indeed.
My eyes trailed down Sookie's body taking in the light pink tank top and short skirt she was wearing. Both items accentuated her lovely tan, a tan that complemented my pale skin wonderfully. On her feet were high-heeled sandals which elongated her legs. She was absolutely mouth-watering.
I approached her from behind, wrapping my arms around her small waist and burying my nose into her long blonde hair. She smelled delicious, a salty vanilla, a mixture of her bath soap and sweat from her dancing.
"Hello, lover," I whispered in her ear. I felt her body stiffen before she relaxed into me. She turned to face me and brushed against my hard erection.
"Eric," she gasped when she felt how ready I was for her. She continued dancing, this time grinding into me. I palmed her ass, pulling her even closer to my hardness.
"Sookie, if you don't stop, you'll leave me no choice but to take you right here on the dance floor," I gritted out, hardly able to contain myself. I was Sheriff, I was a powerful vampire, yet Sookie was the only one who had this kind of power over me.
I was so enthralled by the woman in my arms that I didn't notice the two men who had walked in until Pam was at my side.
"We have company," she said, glancing towards the door. I looked over and saw the two men, both dressed in black suits. They didn't look like your normal fangbangers. As a matter of fact, they looked very much like they worked for the government.
"Go find out what they want," I ordered Pam. With a curt nod, she left and went to them. Using my vampire hearing, I listened to the conversation between the three of them.
"Gentlemen, what can I do for you this evening?" Pam asked in a sugary-sweet tone.
The older of the two men spoke first. "I am Agent Kay and this is Agent Jay, we need to speak to Eric Northman, it's a matter of national security." Still keeping my attention on the conversation across the room, I kissed Sookie's neck causing her to whimper.
"Eric is currently indisposed. Is there something I can help you with?"
"Well, can you un-indispose him, 'cause we need to talk to him like now," the younger man said. I could sense he was uncomfortable being here. Pam turned to me with a brow raised in question. I nodded in reply.
"I'll see what I can do."
As she walked back to me, I heard Jay speak.
"Um, Kay, are these vampires? Real vampires? Like blood-sucking vampires?" he asked with surprise in his voice.
"Yes," Kay answered.
"What kind of case are we working on, here? Do I need to protect my neck or something? I thought we came down here for aliens and you take me to a vampire bar?"
"You, son, need to be quiet. Vampires have super hearing. We don't need them knowing why we're here, yet. We certainly don't need to have vampires panicking. It's not a pretty sight," he chided his partner.
Aliens? My interest was piqued. Either these two were crazy fanatics, or aliens really did exist. I'd seen many strange things over the thousand years I'd been undead, but aliens were not one of those. And if they did exist, what would they be doing in Shreveport?
Pam came back to me. "I can take care of Sookie if you like," she smirked.
I looked down at Sookie, who was rolling her eyes at Pam. "You ought to talk to Amelia, you know she has a preference for the ladies," Sookie told Pam. Speaking of Amelia, she had stopped dancing and was staring at me with a hopeful look on her face. She quickly shifted her eyes pleading with me to help her out with Pam.
I ignored Amelia, causing her to huff. She was a big girl, she could handle Pam. I chuckled and bent down to Sookie, placing a chaste kiss on her lips. "I shall be back, lover. I'm wanted for a few minutes," I told her, gesturing over to the men in black. She glanced over as well.
"Do you need me to go with you? I can read them for you," she suggested.
Sookie was a mind-reader, but hated being around other humans. It was too much for her having to shield herself constantly to avoid listening to others' thoughts. For that reason, she liked surrounding herself with vampires; it allowed her to relax for a change, since she couldn't read us. I appreciated her gift, but never took advantage unless she offered. In this case, it wasn't a bad idea, so I nodded and took her hand. I let Pam know to send the two men back to my office where we would be waiting.
There was a knock on my office door right before Pam appeared with the two men. I leaned against my desk with Sookie sitting behind me on the couch. Pam came to stand next to me, while Kay and Jay stayed near the door.
"What can I help you with tonight gentlemen?" I asked, looking at Kay who seemed to be the veteran of the two.
"We're Agents Kay and Jay and we're part of a super secret sector of the government that deals with …" he paused looking at Sookie. "She shouldn't be here."
"I hide nothing from her, Mr. Kay-"
"The name is Kay, no mister," he interrupted.
"Okay. Kay. As I said, I do not hide anything from Ms. Stackhouse, so please proceed." He stared at Sookie for another moment, pursing his lips, before turning back to me.
"Right then. We need to find William Compton. Being that he is one of your vampires, we've come to seek your help in apprehending him," he continued.
"What do you need with Bill?" Sookie asked. She stood up and walked closer to the men. Her hands were on her hips and she appeared to be ready to fight.
"Sookie," I warned.
"Do you know him, Ms. Stackhouse? If you do, we'll need your help as well," Kay added.
"He lives across the cemetery from me," she answered.
"How well do you know him?"
Pam snickered next to me. I wasn't happy with the direction the questions had taken; I worried how Sookie might feel considering everything she went through because of Bill. I, personally, would have been glad if Bill was up to no good again—I could finally get rid of him. I only kept him around because of his usefulness and his ties with Sophie-Anne, our Queen.
"I know him well enough," Sookie replied, sticking her chin up. She was putting on a good show, but I could feel her getting nervous through our bond. "And I would appreciate if you just get on with what you're really thinking and Agent Jay stop freaking out, no one's going to bite you!" Sookie must have heard Jay's thoughts.
I gave Jay a curious look, making sure my fangs were visible. "Are you afraid of us?"
"I-I-uh … what happens if I say no?" I shrugged, but before I could answer Kay spoke up.
"Alright, enough. Have any of you noticed any vampires missing?"
I glanced at Pam, who shook her head slightly. "No, we have not," I answered.
"Have you noticed anything suspicious about any of the vampires you've been in contact with lately?"
I thought back over the past few weeks. As sheriff, I get all sorts of visitors from various vamps looking to enter my area. I didn't normally check up on any of them once they settled in, but they were required to visit the club every once in a while to serve themselves up to the fangbangers. Now that I thought about it, there were a few vamps that I had not seen in a while.
Kay listened as I repeated all of this out loud to him. "What does this all have to do with Bill, though?" I asked.
"We believe he's killing the vampires to use their bodies as hosts for his alien buddies," Kay replied bluntly. I was waiting for him to break out a smile to let me know he was joking, but his serious face said he wasn't. I turned to Jay.
"Hey man, I don't know about vampires, I'm just here to kick some alien ass," he said, answering my questioning look.
"Wait a sec, I'm confused," Sookie said. "How would Bill know anything about aliens?"
"He is one," Kay said as if it was common knowledge.
"What!?!" Sookie screamed. "No, that's—oh my god—I—shit." She sat back down, no doubt in shock at the new revelation. I suppressed a smile for Sookie's sake, I never liked Bill and the news just made my millennium.
There was another knock on the door. Pam opened the door enough so we could see Jason, Sookie's brother, standing there.
"Oh, hey, didn't know you guys were having a meeting. Just need to speak to Sookie for a quick sec." He peered around Pam and his eyes opened wide when he saw the two men. He pointed to them and said, "Holy sheep-shit, you guys are the Men in Black!"
Jay coughed. "Uh, the Men in Black do not exist. We are government—"
"Oh bullshit, you are!" he laughed, interrupting Jay. "Well, I'll be." He crossed his arms in front of him. "So what are you guys doing here? We got some aliens in town?" he asked in excitement, no doubt hoping he'd be able to see one.
"How do you know about aliens or Men in Black, Jason?" Sookie asked glaring at her brother. "And what the hell are you doing here? Shouldn't you be watching Crystal?"
"Well, that's what I came to ask you about. Crystal needs to go shopping for some new maternity clothes. I was wondering if you would take her. Ya know I'm no good with any of that."
"You could have called. There was no need for you to drive out here just for that," Sookie said, but the tone of her voice told me she knew the real reason Jason was here. As much as he denied it, he liked being around the vampires. With his fae blood, the vampires liked having him around and would sometimes allow him to sip from them. Yes, vampires were suckers for fairies. No pun intended.
"This is more fun though and I'm sure glad I did drop by. Look at this! Real deal men in black. So what ya'll doing here?"
"Jason," Sookie warned.
"What? It's a simple question. It's not fair that you get to have all the fun. Oh, that reminds me. Bill was looking for you earlier. He seemed all nervous like. Strange." At the mention of Bill's name, the two agents turned their attention to Jason.
"Bill? Bill Compton?" Kay inquired.
Jason nodded. "Yeah, why? Is he some kind of alien?" he chuckled. The men gave each other meaningful stares, but didn't answer. Suddenly, Jason stopped laughing. "Whoa, Bill's an alien? Ya know, that explains his lack of humor. I can never get that man to laugh at any of my jokes."
"That's because you're not funny, Jason," Sookie informed her brother.
"Am too," he pouted. Sookie rolled her eyes at her brother.
"What did Bill want with Ms. Stackhouse?" Kay asked.
Jason rubbed his forehead in an effort to remember. "He said something about someone coming after him and he needed Sookie's special gift to help him out."
"Did he say who was coming?"
Jason shook his head. "Nah, I don't remember, but if you guys are here looking for him, I'm guessing he meant you two."
Jay spoke up then. "What special gift do you have, Ms. Stackhouse that Bill would want your help?"
"She can read minds," Jason answered for her. Sookie let out a groan. To Sookie, reading minds was not so much a gift as it was a curse. Kay and Jay exchanged another meaningful look.
"Can you read vampire minds or just human minds?" Jay asked.
"Just human," she replied.
"So you can't read Bill's mind?"
"I never tried. When I met him, I sensed he wasn't human, so I assumed he was a vampire," she paused. "But now that I think about it, his mind wasn't completely blank either. I couldn't read him, but I did sense something there. It was mostly gibberish though. I thought nothing of it because I was just glad I couldn't hear his thoughts."
"Sounds like you might be able to read alien minds too then; that's a good thing for our purposes. Can you control when and what you hear?"
"Yes. It takes effort to close off so I don't hear anybody, but I can control it. Also, when I touch someone I can hear them better."
"So you can hear everyone's thoughts in the other room?" Jay questioned.
Sookie shook her head. "Anyone not vampire, yes."
"Can you hear them now or do you need to be closer?"
"Well, it's faint because of the walls, but yes."
Kay moved closer to Sookie, as did I. I didn't like anyone getting too close to my lover. "Do you hear anything unusual?"
Sookie closed her eyes to concentrate. Everyone stayed quiet, not wanting to disturb her. We waited a few minutes as she sorted through what was most likely a lot of drunken nonsense.
She opened her eyes suddenly. "There, a vampire near the bar. I can hear something, but it's the same gibberish I heard from Bill's mind."
"Describe him." Sookie did. Kay turned to Jay and with a nod, Jay left to bring the vampire in. I sent Pam with him to help in case the vamp struggled.
Jay and Pam returned a few minutes later with the vampire between them. I recognized him immediately as a one of the vampires that had just moved into my area and had asked permission to stay. I had originally denied him. His black, greasy hair and his overall dirty look told me he was nothing but trouble. However, Bill vouched for him. Now I knew why.
"Jeremy, good to see you again," I said as he was settled into a seat.
"Sherriff," he responded curtly.
"These men here," I pointed to Kay and Jay, "want to ask you some questions. Please answer them honestly. And remember, you are in my area, I have the right command you to be truthful." I saw him smirk at my last statement. Any vampire knew you follow the Sherriff's orders or face execution; that he smirked revealed that either he was really stupid or he was no longer really a vampire, as the two humans suggested.
"Jeremy, we'll start with some simple questions. Are you a vampire?" Kay asked, beginning his line of questioning.
"How long have you been a vampire?"
Jeremy shifted in his seat. "I—uh …"
"It's a simple question, simple answer." Jeremy was still struggling to find an answer. "Okay, here's another question. How long have you been on Earth?"
"Five days," he answered quickly. He realized too late that he was caught. "I mean—shit …"
"What planet are you from and why didn't you register with the ANS?"
"What's ANS?" Sookie asked looking at the men in black, but Jason answered instead.
"That's the Alien Naturalization Services. All aliens need to register there if they want to stay on Earth, otherwise they get sent back to their home planet."
Sookie's mouth gaped open slightly. "How the hell do you know all of this, Jason?"
He shrugged. "Hoyt and I have seen some weird shit in those woods. We got into watching all sorts of alien programming. You know, the Truth is Out There and We Are Not Alone."
"The X-Files does not count as alien programming," Jay chided.
"Eh, whatever, it's all the same to me."
"Oh … wow," I heard Jay whisper to himself. It was evident that Sookie received all the intelligence from the gene pool. Jason was quite dim-witted, but he treated his sister well, which was all I cared about when she wasn't near me.
"Are you done, kid?" Kay asked Jason.
"Yeah, I'll shut up now." He zipped his mouth to show that he would stay quiet. Or at least try to.
"You do that," Kay said turning back to Jeremy. "Now, Jeremy. You've been on this planet five days. Bill brought you down?" Jeremy nodded. "What are his plans?"
"I'm not at liberty to discuss and I'm invoking my Fifth Amendment rights."
Kay quirked an eyebrow. "I guess Bill failed to inform you that you do not have the same rights as a human being on this planet. Now, you will tell us," he demanded. "What are his plans?"
Jeremy looked back and forth between Kay and Jay before training his gaze on Kay. He opened and closed his mouth several times, probably deciding on a good lie. When he realized he wasn't going to get far lying to Kay, he opted for the truth. "He wants to populate the planet with our species. Because we are able to sustain ourselves on blood it was logical for us hide as vampires."
"How is he doing all of this?"
"He keeps the database of all Earth vampires, new and old. It's his job as Sophie-Anne's tech guy. He knows when there are new vamps. He tries to catch them right after they've established themselves in an area. It makes it easier for them to assimilate." He turned to me. "He saw me, well, the host body, leaving here a few weeks ago. He contacted me and we made arrangements and I am here now. I did not retain any of the host memories; I only know what Bill has told me."
"Kay, how did we miss these guys getting onto the planet?" Jay asked.
"Don't know, but he'll answer that for us," he replied pointing to Jeremy. He looked at him, waiting for him to answer Jay's question.
"Umm …" Jeremy swallowed before speaking. "We, uh, hitch a ride on the vehicles of other beings."
"That still doesn't explain how you got by us. The other aliens would have told us you guys were on board."
Jeremy shook his head. "We literally were on their crafts. They couldn't see us."
"That's awesome!" Jason interjected. We all rolled our eyes at him.
"So you grabbed on to the spacecrafts as they, what? Passed your planet?" Jeremy nodded. "Gives new meaning to hitchhiking," Jay snorted.
Kay moved into one of the corners of the room, taking his cell phone out of his pants pocket. I didn't see him dial a number, so the phone must have had a direct link to whoever he was calling.
"Zed? We have a bigger problem than we thought." He proceeded to tell this Zed person everything that we had just learned from Jeremy. "Yes, we're with the Sheriff of the area now. Hold on." He passed the phone to me.
"Sheriff," said a gruff voice on the other end. "I'm sorry to hear about your vampires. Most unfortunate," he apologized.
"I barely knew these vampires, they had not contributed anything of consequence for us to miss them," I assured him.
"Well then, okay. How well do you know this Bill character?"
"Can you help us track him down?"
"I can and I shall." I had finally found good reason to get rid of Bill and I couldn't have been more pleased. I couldn't really touch him otherwise, because of how close he was with Sophie-Anne. I wanted to get rid of him after everything he did to Sookie. He lied to her from the beginning and played to her kindness, taking advantage of her. I was almost positive Sophie-Anne would appreciate me taking care of Bill as well.
"Great. Thanks for the help, junior!" He hung up and I furrowed my brow at the choice of nickname for me. He was calling me junior when I was a thousand years older? I never did understand humans.
"He calls me junior too," Jay sympathized. "You'll get used to it."
I handed the phone back to Kay. "So what do you have in mind to lure Bill to us?" Kay asked, retrieving the phone.
"I don't think we need to do much. He's already seeking Sookie's help, so we can use that to bring him to us. However, he also knows that Sookie won't readily help him after what he's done."
"Fell in love with an alien, huh? Oh! That means you had se—" I was instantly on Jay, fangs out, my hand curling around his neck.
"Do not finish that thought little one. Sookie is already distressed as it is, no need to remind her of her relationship with that cretin." There was an electric buzz to my right. I turned to find Kay with a silver weapon pointed at me.
"Let him go, bloodsucker."
I released my hold on Jay and backed away. "Forgive me," I said bowing my head. "But, I do believe Jay owes Ms. Stackhouse an apology as well, yes?"
"Jay," he stated.
"I'm sorry," Jay said, hanging his head low.
"It's fine," Sookie responded, waving her hand. "I would just prefer not to think of what I did with him."
"I don't get it," Jason piped in. There was a groan from Sookie as we all stared at him. "What?"
"Can I please remove him?" Pam asked, annoyed with his presence.
"Please," Sookie said in relief.
Pam grabbed Jason and pushed him through the door. "But …." we heard him trail off.
"Now that the IQ has gone back up in this room, can we proceed?" Jay said.
"Hey! Don't talk about my brother like that. He may be a little … slow at times, but he's still a good guy," she admonished. "And you know Jay, you're really starting to piss me off!"
Kay stepped in again. "Forgive him. He fell in love on the job too. She was an alien and had to go back to save her planet. He's been bitter ever since. Now, we really do need to get back on track here, so let's keep the personal nonsense to a minimum, shall we? Thanks."
For the next hour we devised a plan to apprehend Bill.
I couldn't believe my ears. I was in a state of semi-shock after I was told that Bill, the man I used to love, the man that took my virginity, was really an alien. I always knew there was something odd about him, but I always chalked it up to him being a vampire. He hated the fact that he was turned; he called himself a monster often. There were times he questioned why I was with him, but I loved him, or at least I thought I did.
All I wanted to do now was go home and take a hot shower and scrub myself of all things Bill. He lied since the beginning in regards to his true intentions with me, but this was the icing on the cake. Hell, Sophie-Anne was going to have a field day with this news. I had so many questions for her, the main one being how she couldn't sense what Bill truly was. Then again, I had lots of questions for Bill, though I doubted he would want to answer any of them—if I didn't put a stake through his heart first.
I was so involved in my own little world—thinking about all the things I could do to Bill—that I didn't hear my name being called until I felt Eric's cold hand on my arm and a warm, calming sensation run through my body.
"Lover, are you alright?" I nodded. "We were asking you a question, you seemed to be thinking very hard. I'm feeling your anxiety through the bond, I hope you don't mind the calm I sent you," he whispered.
"I'm sorry, Eric!" I threw my arms around him. "I'm just so overwhelmed, it's all so crazy. An alien?"
"I'll fix this, Sookie, I promise," he said sincerely. I knew he would, Eric always kept his word.
"I hate to break the lovefest, but can we continue here?" Kay interrupted. I rolled my eyes.
"Yes, what were you asking?" I prompted.
"Just wanted to know if you were ready. You're going to call him now and we're going to head to the rendezvous point."
I nodded. "Yes, I'm ready."
I stood in the middle of the woods outside of Merlotte's. I normally would be scared, but I knew Eric and the two men in black were nearby watching me. I was safe.
There was a rustling sound to my left and I turned just as Bill appeared from the trees. With his vampire speed, he could have easily come upon me silently, but he was always gracious enough to make some noise to announce his approach.
"Sookie," he said with an exaggerated accent. I never noticed it before, but it was there. I suddenly realized that he had been overcompensating all this time for his lack of accent. "Ah you a'right? Why do you have me meetin' you here?"
"I'm fine Bill and I know these woods. It's safe. I thought this place was good for you. Jason told me you were extremely frightened about some people coming to find you. I figured this would keep you, us, hidden," I lied. My nerves were getting the best of me and I was hoping he wouldn't see through my lies. Of course whenever I became nervous, my smile grew way too big.
"Ah, Soooookeeeeh," he over-pronounced, "you're happy to see me." Yep, he was clueless. How did I never see this before?
I remembered the discussion earlier in Eric's office, and I took a gamble and tried to hear his thoughts.
"Nanunanu kupit lupadipa …."
Utter nonsense. They were right. I had disregarded it all this time because I couldn't understand it, therefore it didn't affect me in any way. I felt my knees go weak as my brain processed everything that I'd been through with the man standing in front of me. Bill caught me before I fell over and gently placed me on the ground.
"Soo-keh, dah'lin' ah you a'right?" I stared up at him. I slowly scooted away from him. I really didn't want to be any closer to him. I actually wanted these men to just grab him and do whatever they were going to do, but they wanted me to get him to "talk" so they could know if there was anything else to his world domination plan.
World domination … I was suddenly struck to sing the theme song to Pinky and the Brain. I never watched it, but Jason did often and I remembered the theme.
"They're Pinky and the Brain. Yes, Pinky and the Brain. One is a genius, the other's insane …." I sang
Bill stared at me wide-eyed. "Did ya hit yah head?"
I shook my head. "No, though right now, I wouldn't mind if I did. Then I could blame a head injury on everything I learned tonight."
"Learned? You were in school? I didn't know you were taking classes."
"I'm not. Bill, are you an alien?" I blurted out. I realized too late that I wasn't supposed to start the conversation that way, but oh well … too bad.
"An alien? Don't be ridiculous!" he said, but his eyes shifted everywhere, avoiding my face.
"You sure 'bout that? I may have heard otherwise."
"Did Eric put you up to this?" he said, suddenly angry, his accent suddenly diminishing. "Is he feeding you lies about me? It's not true, none of it is." He grew angrier as he spoke, his eyes getting darker.
"It wasn't Eric, he didn't know anything." I sat up straighter. "Bill, what are you getting into? Or, rather, what's gotten into you?"
He looked away, shaking his head. "I didn't want to get you involved, but if you know what I truly am, I will have to make you one of mine." He took hold of my arm, not-so-gently squeezing it.
"One of your what?" I gasped as he turned back to me. His eyes were glowing green orbs. "Bill, you-your eyes, they're … what the hell are you?"
When he spoke again his voice had gone high-pitched and he lost all trace of his southern gentleman accent. "I am Utatutafuta from the planet Meeso Emo. I have come to take over your world!"
"Oh no you didn't," someone said behind me. I didn't dare turn around to see who it was, but I did take a peek into his mind and saw that it was Jay. Bill, or whoever he—no, it—was, let go of me, and I fell back to the ground.
Quick as lightning, Eric ran to me, picking me up and taking me to safety. I turned back to see Bill between Jay and Kay, who both had these weird huge contraptions that looked like glowing anti-air cannons trained on him.
"You may kill me, but there are more of my kind on this planet. I have already begun the re-populating process!" he cackled with glee. "It will be over for all of you soon," he claimed maniacally.
"We already have a team gathering up your buddies. We caught one and he told us everything you've been planning. He also told us where to find the other vampires that you've changed. Just come with us and it'll be peaceful. We'll send you back to your planet and it'll be done," Kay stated firmly.
"I'm not going anywhere, and Sookie is mine. She will be my queen!" he argued with his shrill voice. I had to cover my ears from the noise—it was like listening to an opera singer hold a long high note. Bill moved his head around, looking for me. As soon as he spotted me he began running, but as he came closer, his skin started disappearing and I was staring at a thin figure with a humungous head. At first glance he appeared to be just an extremely tall human, however, he had feet for hands, a huge snout for a nose and no hair.
I held my breath and braced myself. Even Eric didn't move, he was so shocked by the image in front of him. I closed my eyes and waited. There was a loud humming noise, a pop and then what felt like a pudding shower.
I opened my eyes and Bill was gone. All that was left of him covered me, Eric and the forest floor in a dark purple goop. I wasn't sure if I should have been relieved or disgusted.
Kay came forward. "Sorry about that," he said as he removed some goop hanging from my face. "We were hoping it would be a little cleaner, but these aliens are just … messy." He had a huge smile on his face as if he delighted in this. Well, it was his job so I guess he did.
"Woohoo!!! That was awesome!" I rolled my eyes as I heard my brother and his best friend, Hoyt, running towards us.
"What are you guys doing here?" I seethed. "It's dangerous out here."
"Are you crazy? I stayed around the club and waited for you. I knew you guys were gonna go alien hunting. I wouldn't miss it for the world! I called Hoyt as soon as I saw where you guys were headin' and he drove over. This is fantastic! We got it all on tape too!"
Jay moved forward. "We'll need that tape," he demanded, his hand out.
"Aw, come on," my brother whined. "I promise not to sell it."
"Jason, just give him the tape," I said, letting out a tired sigh.
"Fine," he pouted, taking the video cassette out of the camera.
Eric laid an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close to him. I relaxed into his body, grateful that he was there for me.
"Thank you for helping us in this matter. There is one more thing that needs to be tended to and then we can go." As Kay said that last statement, he and Jay dug into their pockets to take out sunglasses.
"It's a bit dark for those, don't you think?" I asked.
Kay also took a metal rod that had a dial on it. I let out a giggle when I took a closer look at it. In no way did it resemble one of my … ummm… toys. "If you could all look right here," he said pointing to a spot on the rod. Jason and Hoyt moved closer. I did as well, but Eric held me back.
"Ooooh … a neura-" Jason said in amazement but was cut short as a bright red light flashed.
"Now, what you saw was not an alien, but an oil explosion," Kay began.
"What are you talking about? That was Bill who turned out to be an alien," I told him. "Why are you trying to tell us different?"
"Uh oh," Jay muttered.
"You remembered all of that, even after the flash?" Kay asked, bewildered. I nodded. He turned to Jason and Hoyt. "What do you remember?"
"There was an oil explosion," Jason said distantly. Kay turned back to me. "Why did this not work on you?"
"What kind of technology is being used in that … thing?" Eric asked.
"It's based on vampire biology. It's always worked on everybody we used it on."
Eric shook his head. "Essentially you are using a form of glamour that the vampires use to make humans forget certain events and even change what they saw. It works on younger vampires, but not on older, stronger vampires. Also, glamour doesn't work on Sookie, so that," he pointed to the vibrator look-a-like, "wouldn't work on her either."
"Well shit. If he's your brother, then—" Kay said gesturing to Jason, "how come it was able to work on him?"
"Oh, he's special," I whispered. Kay nodded.
"Well, short of bringing you back to New York and performing a lobotomy to make you forget, I guess we'll just have to deal. I think we can trust you enough that you won't go telling anybody what happened here tonight. If you do, we know where you live and work. You'll never be able to hide from us. Got it?" Eric and I both nodded. "Good."
Jay reached his hand out for a shake. "It was nice working with you. Hopefully your nightmares won't be too graphic."
I shook his hand firmly. "Oh, that's nothing! I've seen much worse. I had to deal with a maenad once. It was the weirdest thing. It's like this demon thing and well, I wanted that to be a nightmare, 'cause it was just hideous, but it was real. That's a whole story I would much rather forget. Really."
"Okie dokie. We'll be going now. Just pretend you've never seen us." With that, Kay and Jay left us, disappearing into the dark forest as quickly as they came into our lives.
We walked Jason and Hoyt, who were both still in a daze, back to their cars. Eric drove me back to his home, where he drew us a hot bath to wash the nasty Bill-goop off our bodies. Afterwards, he laid me down and gave me a massage.
"If I knew I would get such treatment I would have aliens come to town more often," I giggled.
"About that, Sookie—I'm very sorry about Bill. He had us all fooled."
"It's okay, Eric. I spent the most time with him and even had a glimpse inside his head, and I still didn't have a clue. No one's to blame, we just have to move on." I snuggled close to Eric's body, still warm from the bath.
I heard Eric chuckle lightly and turn off the light. "Sleep now, lover." He placed a soft kiss on my forehead and I was asleep in seconds.
One Year Later
I was so startled I nearly dropped my tray of drinks. I turned around to find Kay and Jay standing in front of me. I was surprised to see them standing in the middle of the bar, since they were supposed to be secret.
"Can we speak to you a minute?" Kay asked.
"Sure, give me a second." I called my boss over. "Sam, I need to talk to these men, can we use your office for a few minutes?"
"Sure thing, cher," Sam replied, eyeing the men. "Take all the time you need."
"Thanks. This way," I motioned to Kay and Jay. Once we were in the office, I shut the door. "What's going on?"
"Do you know a John Quinn?" Kay questioned.
"Yes, but I haven't spoken to him in a long while. What's going on with him?"
"Well ma'am, we have reason to believe he's alien … actually Ambassador Gricklitt from Jurdion 8…"
"Not again!" I gasped.